General

There’s nothing more painful than feeling I’ve let down my two year old daughter, because it’s always a constant battle with my mind to let me be the mother she deserves… And too many times I feel like I lose. I honestly can’t help but feel that me being a shit mother was pre-determined before she was born, and that I had no business having her. What kind of life will she end up with, with me? She deserves better, and I can’t be better. But I love her so much… This fucking hurts.

I’ve been feeling really alone for months already. That feeling when you’re surrounded by all these people and you just can’t feel them. I feel like I constantly have to do something to be appreciated. I feel like I’m in this fight on my own. Sometimes, it almost seem like I’m on a battle with my own sanity. I can’t keep it in tact with anything anymore.

The truth is I’m breaking. All the little secrets that were left unsaid but were everything I am well aware of. What am I supposed to do? I keep on running and running, reaching the edge, realizing I couldn’t […]

Goodbye, for now.

Most of my dreams are set in childhood, between 10-15. Sometimes it’s horrible. But sometimes it feels great, and I don’t want to wake up. I wasn’t happy back then, but I still had hope. I still felt alive. Things still seemed meaningful. I still felt connected to others. I was still part of society.

I want to go back so badly. Tear up the laws of space and time. For a chance to do it differently. To do it right. Avoid what I’ve become.

I’m left with the feeling that I have to do something. Change something. To escape this reality. Break through to the alternate […]

I’m wondering if Hope Dream Love, Rocketman and Cause of Death : Suicide are still here. I  have been on this site for a few years, these are the only names I can remember. but after joining the ‘wonderful’ world of SS I haven’t come back. I hope you guys are ok. I’m going soon, (ordered poison, won’t name it) not sure when it arrives.  So anyway that’ll be my goodbye for SP.

I don’t want to feel like this. I want the old me back. I don’t miss her but the people around me would love to see her. She was better in everything than me. Just bring her back to life and kill me. She deserves to live. I deserve to die. It’s that simple. Everything would get fixed once she comes back.

I see no way out. I have been trying to stop my mind from torturing me for 25 years. I have tried everything I could. I have focused so much on trying to find salvation and a surrogate parent (therapists, healing techniques, friends, etc) that I have been more and more losing touch with reality. I am afraid of too many things: of not being a good parent, of not being able to support my family, but basically i have been afraid of my mind mostly. It keeps on taking me to checkmate, to keep me in a maze where I cannot find a way […]

i thought i was okay. i was doing good. i was doing a simple task when i felt a tear rolling down my face and i just broke down. i am not okay. i fooled myself into thinking i was fine.

made everything seem absolutely fine even though i was highly depressed, skipped worked, drank and played a game with my friend, he had no idea about any of it. i didnt mention anything about depression. he doesnt know i didnt go to work today. and he doesnt know that the whole time we were playing a game that i was drinking. i would have been high too but my weed was with my husband…at work. now i just need to keep up with everything seeming fine. break up with my husband. move out on my own. keep hiding everything from my friend and get involved […]

…of stupid world. Can I exchange it for different world?

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*elevator music*

It’s rather strange to think about how short yet dense a lifespan is. Relatively speaking, people don’t live that long. It seems like a while, but in reality life is less than a blip in the grand scheme of things. The thing is, it’s oddly dense though. A lot happens in those years. So much happens that it feels like it’s been a long time to us. It’s weird to think that sonething that was important to you a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, a decade ago means absolutely nothing yo you now. I vaguely […]

This morning I left my house and put on some uplifting (haha) Radiohead as I walked to work. I didn’t cry this time, because I find the act of crying fogs up my glasses with the stupid mask I have to wear. Which made me wonder, why am I wearing the mask to begin with? Why doesn’t someone just infect me with this fucking virus so I can die because god knows I’M TOO CHICKEN TO TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS.

I thought about not showing up at work. I thought about not coming home. I think about these options a lot.

My dog, who was […]

I don’t care about winning anymore. I just want it to end.