General

I know I’ll never get over my ex. I didn’t get over him over the first breakup, and I’m not going to ever get over him after the second. He’s like a drug… I’ve installed and deleted the chat app so many times, I’ve tried to take breaks from him, it doesn’t work, and I relapse and I talk to him for hours again, mostly telling him about how I feel and I want him back. He has feelings for me but doesn’t want me back in a relationship.

Yeah I’m really not going to live like this. Nothing has really changed since my last post. […]

Too bad im in another hell. One that isn’t just deluded thoughts, or a different kind of them. Honestly fuck this life. I dont give a shit about anything except ending my own life for the past year. Why am i still here? I have nothing left to say anymore. When i finally off myself i hope its painful, and i hope i can regret it before i reach my fate.

It sucks. I hate what she does to me, I feel like shit, and it’s all because of her.

But I love her. She is the most perfect girl on Earth. However, she has a boyfriend. Fuck that asshole.

Normally, because of that I wouldn’t even consider going after her. She’s taken! But she teases me everyday, touching me, she’s all over me. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I just want to be with her. And it destroys me whenever I see her and her boyfriend, knowing they’ve had sex and done countless things. She knows it’s hurting me and that I’m obsessed with her, […]

Today, I find it very peculiar for me to open up myself to people that I don’t really expect that the words that I need to hear would be coming from them. I discussed it to my organization adviser, the school Dean, and the person that I didn’t really like…

Yet the words that I needed to hear came from them with sincerity and assurance… They assured to me that they don’t mean to invalidate of what I’m feeling… That whatever happens to me is still my own choosing. And somehow I feel better.

Still… I can’t believed that she’s gone and I’m here still standing. I […]

I want to believe in this quote. I really do.

But each day in my school makes me feel that there really isn’t anything worth fighting for. I probably became less patriotic than I already was in grade school compared to now. My country is shit (but less shit perhaps than Venezuela or something).

What am I even fighting for now? Why am I pretending to care about everything when in reality, all I care about is…nothing. I just want life to end peacefully. I don’t even know what true happiness is like.

I want help. I want to drop out of school, even if I’m supposed to […]

The nitty gritty of therapy declares you get your head taken off enough as a kid then you start taking off your own head ad infinitum. Other to self (an external force denigrates you repeatedly) self to self ( you start denigrating yourself). My mother took my head off constantly as a kid, a difficult woman, one of the most difficult women on the planet, subject to mood swings, hostile, spiteful, a nurturer of everybody else’s kids except her own. I remember once when I was 9, my brother 7, she was in the kitchen like a demon, clattering plates together, a friend of hers […]

he said my disorders control me. he said all i do is grab a bottle or joint. and hes right. but thats not what hurts the most. what hurts is that he doesnt think i can change because its difficult…..i want that drink so bad though. no i have to prove him wrong. ill cope, some how. ill find a way, i can do it.

The terrible thing that my mind and gut been telling me finally happened…

I lost… I lost a huge part of myself after receiving her letter yesterday… her one last farewell and confession…

I was not even able to say or do anything… or to reply to her feelings properly…

I failed as her best friend.
I failed as a psych student.
I failed as a person.
I failed as her hero.

I failed the only person who might only be the one who believed in me and at the same understood me…

Now… I feel nothing except the throbbing and aching pain and chaos that is rapidly surging throughout […]

They don’t deserve it, and neither do I.

to be honest i tried to write something for the past ten minutes but i dont even know what to say or how to start. its past midnight and i cant sleep (again). i dont know what to do with my thoughts, i dont have anyone i could possibly talk to, i did it once and i immediately regretted it. its not like they dont care or dont listen to me its just that i dont like other people knowing about my personal struggles and thoughts. theyre mine and i dont want anyone to know what goes on in my messed up head. thats why […]

It has been about a year since I’ve visited this site. I’ve still been struggling to make it through every day but they last few weeks have been hitting me harder than usual. I’m all alone in the city and my isolation is taking over my mind. I have been fantasizing about how to end it all but I know it isn’t an option because I don’t want my cat to think I’ve abandoned her. I don’t know if that is a silly reason or not but at least it’s a reason. I’d like to think that she cares about me.
I haven’t talked to […]

So i havent been on here since forever. Anyway, greetings to all of those that are still around. I hope you find your reasons to stay.

I’m still alive. I’m not in a bad place. I’m just fine. Occasionally the thoughts came to mind but nothing I would act upon. I just want to give up hoping altogether though to be honest but it’s not that bad.

Ah. I dont know what else to say but sometimes i really do wish I havent made connections with anyone. It would be easier to just go off.

To Tony:

Maybe there are times when I’m not a complete burden to you, but the fact of the matter is that, because I’m so fucking depressed, suicidal, and otherwise fucked-up, I am now a burden to you, and it shows.  I wear you down, and since I have no one else to turn to, you feel obligated to listen to me.  I never wanted to be an obligation.  The things you liked about me were the happy me, and I don’t know how to bring that version of me back.  I’ve become a cross that people feel obligated to bear now, and that’s the last […]

i dont want anymore of this life i want to be gone i dont want to suffer evryday i want be loved and needed not sadness and loneliness all day long,
i just want peace thats all i realy want just peace, no more overthinking, no more worrying of losing important people in my life, or getting replaced, no more pain evryday, no more crying at night. just peace that feeling i get when i sleep i want that forever

Just like any other previous days, I still don’t feel any changes in my mental health except I’m falling deep into despair..

All I did today was study the whole day and played my all-time favourite online game in which I have no other choice instead of doing nothing and feeling depressed. Then, a friend of mine messaged me about my mental health and told him that it’s worst and I stupendously told him that I don’t want to talk about it. Yet this is what I’ve been asking for… And now someone took noticed but I guess it’s too late for that – I’m beyond […]