General

I look in the mirror,

who are you that I see?

Only portrayed words,

of what you call me

Cheers! Tomorrow is my birthday. Every year for years now I never thought I’d make it another year older. But here I am. Unhappy and still wishing I was dead.

Cheers!

Why would i keep trying my life is a huge mess im almost turning 20 and i have achieved nothing in my life, I have been suffering from anxiety from young age and depression for the last 5 years and it only gets worse, i wish i had the balls to tell my parents how fucked up i am but i don’t want to disapoint them. So i just sit here alone again thinking how crap my life is and why i keep trying? normaly i had an amazing friend to go to about how i felt and it was just amazing to have somone […]

I drag you down..

I shouldnt tell you my story
I shouldnt make you fall in love with me

I regret everything..

The monster keep wanting you besides me
The monster keep wanting you to love me

I should let you go before..

I can see what happen next
Its not a good thing its not

This cant be undone..

I hate you
I hate myself

I hate..

1And just like that everything shut down. Im hurt and want to cry but i cant. I can barely move. Picking up my phone to write this pained me. I feel empty…hollow. and at the same time like im going to explode. I see no reason to continue. No reason to keep going. Im missimg a “happy” moment because of this. A christmas present for my husband and grandfather just got delivered. I was SO happy earlier. It made me realize how many happy moments i missed and how many im going to miss in the future.

i feel like a disease i need to cleanse for the rest of the world around me. I feel rejected here, to the very atoms of my being. Everything is so tragic, to the point where i question the universe. But at the same time, its all meaningless. I don’t want to experience any longer. I’m sick of wasting time.

Why do you feel too much? Why do you hurt too much? Why do you care too much? Why do you think too much? Why do you love beyond rationality? Why can’t you outrun your mind?

Why do you cry too much? Why does the tears fall from your heart instead of your eyes?

I invest hope in dumb shit that’s none of my business. Politics should be of no concern to me. However much my fellow citizens want to fuck things up is entirely up to them. It’s a reflection of how little I have going on in my own life that I let myself get hung up on the idea that external forces will somehow improve things.

The world is fucked, and I should be indifferent to that fact, instead of allowing myself to be hurt time and again by entirely predictable political outcomes.

i hate to be another statistic but…….fuuuuuuuuuck idk what else to say.

How many horrors have you seen, lived on tv or in real life? What are some that shocked you the most?

Does anyone know why someone would commit suicide sitting down in the shower by a noose. It takes just 1 second to stand up. Is it a rare depression.

I look into the mirror. I’m already dead. I’ve been dead for a really long time. Maybe my folks don’t know it, or my “friends.” But I know it. My body is decrypted, my teeth are gone, my body is dying, my brain is going crazy if not braindead by the time I’m writing this. Life is over as I know it. I already set a date one month from today. If your wondering what the date is, it’s not with a hot girl, or even chillin with homeys. This is the day I’m going to kill myself and I’m going to tell you […]

Just a heads up. This is another of my rambling, somewhat unfocused, rambling posts I tend to do. Anyways:

It’s been a while. Few months since I’ve been lurking around here.

I have my own room now, which is good. Need a bed, but I have no money so, I sleep on a flat air up mattress. Fun.

Started college, for the like 4th time overall, last month. I guess that’s good.

It’s been 4 years and I still lurk around here.. Not sure how I feel about that tbh.

I’ve more or less busied myself with class and trying to once again find work. Employment woes should hopefully end […]

I cant stand it. He treats me like a queen dont get me wrong. But hes just so negitive. He acts like everyone hates him and the worlds out to get him. All i hear all day long is i hate this that and the other thing. Hes doing it right now. Ive talked to him about it before and i understand that hes tired and stressed but that doesnt mean i can handle that much negitivity. I dont want to leave him over this but i just cant do it. Hes been this way for years. I understand you cant change over night. I […]

That civilizing force. Everything’s boring now. It’s all scripted. You have you entire life laid out for you, like noble children of old, only now it’s everybody. I don’t think this is the kind of egalitarianism past generations dreamed of.

Now everything is cheap. Cheap, yet expensive. It’s cheap to make, expensive to pursue. But pursue it, we must. Why? I don’t know, because all the other lemmings are doing it. And if you or I don’t do it, too, the lemming police with baton you in your lemming head. The boundaries are strictly defined – in this world of blurry, hazy transitions, it’s mind boggling […]

It’s been a long time since I published something here, maybe you don’t even remember my story.

Some years ago, I had the oportunity for to begin my PhD, I got all I needed, the scolarship, the place to live, the research grant.

But being all alone in another country made all the things inside come out and I lost the control of my mind because of my depression and social anxiety, eventually got interned in a psychiatric ward, lost my grant and everything else because of that. With no money letf, soul-broken, I had to return home and try to start my life all over again.

Some […]

Hello. You do not know me, but I go by Fern. I was recently diagnosed with depression and perscribed medication. Unfortunately, it does not work very well.
Right now, I’m sitting in my room, because my father has yelled at me. He is NOT an abusive man, but he took out his anger on me and my very young brothers for making a mess. Unfortunately, I am not a confrontational person and let him yell at me.
What was the consequence, you might ask? The removal of my only true antidepressant, video games.
I know he is not aware that this is the only thing […]

I don’t want to be here anymore, but I’m too afraid to die.

I started to imagine what people’s lives would be like without me in it. I wondered what would happen after I died. I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts, suicidal feelings, urges to hurt myself, and feelings of despair.

But there was one thing contradicting that: I was scared to die.

So many questions would run through my head when I thought about actually ending my life.

What if I attempted to kill myself and it went wrong? What if it went right, but in the last few moments of my life I realized I had made […]