General

i don’t understand what is real anymore. i don’t know if i’m overly sensitive and overthinking or if i’m just feeling everything. i understand what’s going on in their mind about me, yet i don’t.

last night, i was so happy, i woke up this morning and my head was clear, i don’t understand why i am feeling this way right now.

i can feel it, i’m sure of it, they find me annoying in one way or another. i don’t understand why they feel superior to me, i actually do understand, it’s just me. they cant love me for who i am if i can’t love […]

it is 1am and I am beyond drunk on fatigue… I am angry and oddly aroused and it stirs in me a wonderful fascination. Anger and lust – the most primitive functions of the brain! The sole catalysts of the most heinous acts of man… man, simply a monkey motorized by a heightened ability to absorb data and infer that data’s behavior and its sequential result… and what does it do with this extraordinary capacity for complex reasoning? It materializes the nightmares conjured by the stupid, oafish monkey that lurks within that marvelous, meretricious shell of false civility! of false refinement! All of dignified society […]

What can I do? I don’t want to take these pills anymore, they are killing me but in a way I am addicted to them. Is there any solution? I tried some, they don’t work. Nobody helps.

coming soon.

I often think about how life is such a waste… a wealth of experience that culminates to nothing. Every day is intended to bring grandeur to the next or a day in the far future, and how useless it all feels… There are things I desire, some burn with feverish intensity… but then it all feels useless, as though its achievement is nothing more than a formality of life. What use is experience if it is unbearable, endless and ultimately unproductive? I could throw it all away, everything I’ve worked for… but then what is achieved? I could fulfill the purpose I’ve initiated, but when […]

i almost lost a friend to suicide. it has changed my view now knowing how much fear and pain runs through you in the situation i was going to put my loved ones through.

I appreciate those who choose the way
They are so brave
I wish i have that much of brave
But avtially im jist getiing smaller amd shrink
I poor myself because of the path i choose
Mau parents always tell what to do
But if i think again…
Im part of that fault
Cause I dont try my best to persuade them
Cause I dont try my best to tell them what i love to do
Im ended up here
Tainted and hurt
Everything I love already gone with the thin air
I hate myself
I hate how i look amd smile
And trying to […]

Every so often I get a reminder of how bad existence in this world can really get. A common theme is a depiction of someone burning to death. Today it was a film clip of someone caught in the blast of a nuclear explosion. Apparently, if you’re a certain distance from the centre, you don’t get vaporised, but it’s so hot that everything around you catches on fire – your hair, your clothes, everything. Now obviously this was played up for dramatic effect, but the level of agony, terror, and sheer animal desperation depicted on this character’s face rang true.

Every time I come across something […]

Ted Talks – Near Death Experience

half a year ago, i overcame the fear, self loath and reached to her for help, with nothing in return. “if you’re so depressed, you know you can go to therapy without your mother?”that was what my closest friend said to me.

it’s so selfish for me, but i want to be sick, cancer or some incurable disease. i want someone to take my life away, instead of me doing it to myself. the result is clear–she would, or people around me would feel like it’s somehow their fault if i took my own life, but that’s not the case. this shell, this person, the thoughts, […]

I’ve missed out on so many life experiences, I have no idea how to function as an adult, my mind is trapped at a young age. And the worst part is, this is beyond my control. We cannot control how others treat us, we cannot fake “confidence” without being confident in the first place. My place is in a grave, and the sooner this happens, the sooner I don’t have to feel pain anymore.

Call me pathetic, but it hurts my heart. I wish someone could romantically cuddle up to me… I haven’t had any feelings reciprocated before. Needn’t comment on this part though, my problems […]

I just always feel it in my conscience and it’s always in my head; that I’m gonna die young. It doesn’t even feel like I’m gonna reach 20 years old. I can’t even picture a future for myself, I can’t even imagine having kids, family around, I’m so reckless in life sometimes cuz I feel like “Why does anything even matter? I’m gonna die soon anyways.”

I just feel like I’m meant to die. I fucking hate living so much.

I honestly was doing good up until now.
I started exercising, started a new relationship, made time for myself and my studies…
But now it just feels like nothing anymore.
Im just exhaused 24/7 wanting to self harm and just give up.
I feel lonely even though im not.
I know im appreciated but it hurts because my mind keeps telling me im not.

Therapists don’t look at what CAUSED the problem, only the SYMPTOMS of the problem. And that is what hurts. You can keep on tackling the symptoms of a cold or cough, and then it turns out to be bronchitis. Actually I did end up with a typical cough/cold that year, and yes it eventually turned into bronchitis. I know it isn’t the BEST comparison, but hopefully you get my point. It’s like putting a plaster on a gaping wound, that wound is going to stay open and collect bacteria and get infected to the point where that limb might need to get removed or it […]

I’m guessing that some of you, not unlike myself, are ‘resistant’ to antidepressants and/or counselling. Would love to hear if any of you have personally tried ECT, and if so, what the side effects were like and if it proved beneficial to you. Thanks in advance.

I can’t do this shit for much longer. There’s not much point in having a boyfriend who lives so far away. Now I’m back to my boring, crap, miserable existence. I really want to help him out but what’s the point… I don’t know how I’m meant to wait to see him in person again. Fuck there really is a reason why women go after rich guys or guys with money at least… well I wanted to not be such a shallow ***** but I can’t pretend I don’t ponder this, or at least that I don’t ponder getting a local boyfriend instead. Because, I […]

Late at night around 10:00pm or 11:00pm, (10:49pm right now) I get so sad and upset. I don’t know why, but i just do. I guess it is around the time i feel lonely and my mind is just active.

I see all these posts on instagram and VSCO, people always seem so happy. Yes, i do know that they don’t post the sad and depressing stuff on social media, but like i also see them in person all happy and energetic, yes i also do know they could be acting. But anyways i see the happiness, and i get even more sad and wanting to […]