I am either not enough or to much and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. I hate being me, but I also know I like the person iam because iam good. Alot of other people don’t see that… They don’t understand. I don’t want to fight myself anymore. I want to be out in the ocean, stranded, contemplating my life because these days it just seems like to much. I feel like iam drowning but my lungs just won’t collapse under the weight of the water. I’m left stuck gasping for air, and my head is already above water. I don’t wanna live this life anymore.
My Suicide Note
A year ago i was at this same point thinking life is meaningless and that i should just end it all, but now a year later i can confirm that, the last year i had spent in a relatioship, i didnt feel pointless and my life was meaningless because i had love, but i was still depressed, ive turned to drugs and that the only way i feel normal, i dont do hard drugs just yet but i can tell i will one day soon….. i want to give up on life completely, ive quit going to school and its at the end of year 12 im still enrolled just never attend im failing in every aspect in life i have nothing to keep living for, i hate this world i want to get doped up and forget i ever even existed or just die…… im not at the point of suicide yet but ive been there many times before even going to the emergency room at the hospital i dont want to continue livin, everyone is a pointless person so it just doesn’t fucking matter. Ive tried giving my self a reason in life i bought a plant, its kinda helping i enjoy looking at it and seeing it growing, but a plant isnt gonna save me from suicide.
I FUCKING HATE waking up in the morning and just feeling the anxiety depression adn sadness hit me at once!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know im not gonna last much longer in life, DIE YOUNGxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Okay, so I know it’s supposed to be 1 post a day but I need to get this out too. I’ve just been thinking about how hard it is to live – and how hard life is really. But death, it’s such as easy escape. It would be so much weight off my shoulders. It would be all of my problems solved. And for me especially, I have so many ways that I could die like to be honest I should not have the “luck” to be alive today. I could die from eating a peanut, having an asthma attack, cuddling a horse, eating as much wheat as possible so that I get cancer, “accidentally” have too much of one of he medications I’m (btw, a couple hours ago I slightly tried to overdose but it didn’t work, I’ve just got a fast heart and shaky hands), or god knows what else I could do, become a smoker so that I can get horrible and scary asthma or get cancer or both. Who knows really, but what I do know is that living is so hard and dying is so easy, especially for me.
I realize daily now there truly isn’t a reason. Im 23 its not that im bad looking or unsucessful at all or even that im unintelligent. I was quite blessed to have a good looking face, thousands of people who called me their friend and a wonderful job where the people are always kind. I was also lucky to have the drive to pretty much accomplish anything i wanted and being intelligent enough to have been that kid in school who tutored everyone…
The truth is Im planning on my permanent solution because everywhere i go i just end up hurting people and my past.. growing up i had it really hard. Most nights i didnt know if i was sleeping outside or in another shelter and food was terribly scarce. My parents were horridly abusive and cold. My mother specifically was sexually abusive and mentally abusive… i never really knew love as a child and to this day i struggle with it. And ive realized that coming out of all that i acquired problems. Things people dont just come back from. I feel like some kind of sick freak and the most horrid part is i fear i cant control myself. It seems to be spreading from a specific point in my life… between the ages of 8 and 9 my older cousin (22) slept in the same room as me and he would… do things to me often at night. I remember just shutting down and accepting it after a while when nobody would listen to me. And from there i carried this issue of mine. Its almost like i feel comfort now thinking about what happened i feel unable to lead a normal life and i truly dont think ill ever come out of this.
Im a 23 year old man with sexual abuse issues.. my family hates me because of my issues.. i dropped all my friends. The love of my life and i have trapped myself in the middle of nowhere with no car and no one knowing where i am. I dont feel safe to be around anyone anymore its time for me to go. I only wanted to write this because no one else knows why i am the way i am, and it feels so good to share my story with someone. If anyone reads this…
I feel nothing but pain. The smile on my face is fake. The happy, carefree woman who was a mascot two consecutive years in high school, who sang for small crowds, who wished for world peace when she was younger, who wanted to be beautiful, has died. There is only a broken, tearful, world-weary woman in excruciating pain. A woman who spends her days crying. Who spends her nights crying. Who can’t take the pain.
I feel like I’m a burden to people, and I want to free them from their burden. I make everyone else sad because I have crippling depression, and I’ve had it since I was in elementary school. I cry harder each day and I’m never able to feel happiness.
No one has done anything wrong. But I have. Breathing the same air as human beings. I’m so tired. I find it hard to get up at all now.
I’m 20 and I feel three times my age. I’m tired and in constant pain. Crying is more common nowadays than laughter. If I die tonight, I’ll be happier than I’ve felt in years. Please don’t cry because I’m gone.
I love you all.
With love, Blair
I don’t know where to start but I’ll just state points. I’m not being negative, I’m just being honest. I almost had 3 attempts that were so thoroughly planned these 2 yrs. I know that the 4th will be attempted with no reverse;)
1) I am too naive for this world. Meaning; my crybaby ass self-has never faded. Somehow it got worse. I am the weakest person to the point of not being able to function properly for at least a min.
2) It’s obvious that I have a mental disorder. I know that it can be managed if I had my mom by my side or someone who I love as much as my mom, her nick is “Angel”. Since being alone is absolutely making me feel suffocatingly pathetic, I can’t live a minute with myself. Only these two people can help me.
3) I have a younger brother whos life will be better when I erase myself. Because then my family could EASILY afford to pay for his priv school and future uni. He would have anything he’d ask for. My family thankfully love my brother tons and I know that he will have a good life. I won’t be there making his life miserable.
4) My suicide won’t be selfish since I have no friends “thank god”, not responsible for anyone and anything and my so-called “Angel” officially left me without giving a second thought about my well being. My dad doesn’t want me to have a good life so he won’t be sending me to my mom, he wants me to rot and that whats literally gonna happen, how ironic. My family will have my brother as their main focal point.
5) If you reached here ,damn, cool. But I hope you didn’t misunderstand any part of my shit writing:)
If hating me makes you hate yourself a little less, I’ll do that for you…
I’ve long since outlived my welcome and my usefulness.
Precious little goodness have I contributed to this world; nothing to my own credit do I leave behind. Nobody here depends on me, all will be relieved when I’m gone.
I’ve nothing left in this cold, desolate place to hold me here.
I’ve lost it all. There’s nothing left now for me to lose, anymore.
There’s just nothing left. C ‘est la vie.
Sometimes I just feel down and sometimes I feel as if im being held down by something so big I cant breathe It casts a shadow over me I cant quite tell how big but its big enough to cover my mind its so dark I struggle to smile people think they know but there just as lost as me they offer advice but it passes by my head like a breeze not a small breeze its like the breathe of the shadow it inhales and I feel blank then it exhales and still nothing happens im at a stand still but I don’t know where to go its like being hungry but not knowing what to eat because there is so much to choose from but suddenly all the food is gone and there’s nothing there and your still wondering why its so hollow, I just want some comfort but there’s no warmth there’s no cold its just a humid breeze you know its there and it doesn’t feel right my life just feels wrong like I’m out of place like a missing cog in a clock but something has taken the whole clock, I don’t mean to be pessimistic but I am I don’t belong he but, that’s fine…
I’ve repeatedly been suicidal in the past number of years becoming more and more frequent. That meant that my note has changed over this period naturally. The latest note wrote today is as follows:
I’m sorry to everyone Mum, Dad i’m sorry. I just can’t continue my life means nothing and all i do is cause pain to everyone inside it. The closer you are the worse it is, so i’ve ended it to save everyone from the pain. You will feel better when i’ve done it.
I can’t help but wish i made different choices but all i see is death at the end of the tunnel. There are no diversions, no side paths or roads just straight into the abyss. I can’t see a future for myself in this world, i don’t belong here, i don’t deserve this life. Therefore, i will no longer allow anyone to suffer on my part or get in the way of someone who wants to live.
I love you all i really do that’s why i’ve made this decision.
[name goes here].
This may very well be the final note i make.
- dear anonymousie
there you go
ruining everything again
without even trying to
how pathetic are you?
you want to die,
and it’s so rightfully justified
because you’re mediocre at best
no matter how hard you try
you could eat healthier
erase your past
you could do everything he wants
but who says that will make love last?
you’ve made mistakes
most were accidental
you can try blaming it on
being a millennial
but not all of us
are fuck ups like you
“consistency is key”
the only thing you’re consistent at
is ruining everything for me
you’re the one that won’t let you be happy
you know just how to make him hate you
you wonder why he ripped your
pictures off the wall
it’s because he can’t stand looking at you
more than he already has to
there’s no need to wonder
because he literally told you
you have a book in your heart and mind
listing every reason he hates you
it’s synonymous to why you need to die
you find a new reason every day
it’s a surprise you still manage to try
i guess you really want to redeem yourself
you really want to make him love you
you still have hope
you try not to cry
but you just can’t cope
you still think about cutting
the only reason you don’t do it
is because he will hate you even more
if that’s possible
everyday objects around you
turn into potential ways
you could end it
i heard you wondering
if the weight bench could break your neck
i saw you looking for bleach
under the bathroom sink
i was there when you couldn’t find it
so you sat there with your own hands
around your neck
but you stopped because you didn’t
want his son to see you unconscious
and that couldn’t have killed you anyway
you’re smarter than that
i heard you hoping that the procedure
you didn’t want in the first place
would end your life
you wanted to be among the few
that the procedure would kill
i saw you eyeing the ceiling fan
wondering if it could hold your weight
i’m here to say that it can’t
and before your sensitive ass gets sad,
it’s not because you’re fat.
it just wasn’t made to carry the weight
of a human with a perfectly
healthy body that you hate
and want to abuse and throw away.
i saw you holding the kitchen knife
thinking about dragging
it across your tattoo
then i saw you throw it across the room
it might have been just because you didn’t
want to hurt chibi but i’m still proud of you
because you have another arm
that would’ve worked just fine
i think that moment was a sign
a sign of control or maybe a sign
that you just don’t want to give him
another reason to leave
either way you have to believe
that you can keep fighting the urge
you’ll die one day anyway
hopefully soon but probably not
let life kill you slowly
don’t be mad that you wake up
from your slumber
be happy you got through the day
and are now one day closer to your death
and if that’s all you can be happy about
celebrate that shit
everyday you live you are one day closer
to crossing the finish line
where you can sleep and never wake up
that’s all that you want
What do you do when you can’t feel anything?
Just emptiness, numbness… I can’t do anything. I’m suicidal. Ive tried so many times. I tried to get better. I stopped taking antidepressants for 2 months now. I didn’t want to depend on it anymore.
I wrote my suicide not last night because everything is fallen apart so here’s what I say
Dear Family, Friends, and my Boyfriend,
So sorry to do this but if your reading this by now I must be dead there’s so many reason why I’ve decided to end my life here they are
- Ever since I was born I was placed in so many fosters homes with so many schools and all the bullies I had dealt with
- Dad it was just the two of us before she came in the picture you let her control you and me and I hated it I learned to love her but she still thinks she can ruin my life and her kids
- All this bullshit you two put me through dad and HIS GIRLFRIEND never letting me go to friends house because of the kids always crying that I wasn’t home that’s not my responsibility its yours you had the kids not me so why put the pressure on me.
- when I found out you got her pregnant back in 2011 I knew life would change I was hoping for the better but it didn’t I became the mother of them you guys never took charge I was always feeding changing bathing everything a mother should do and I was only 10 only 10 I had my whole life ahead and all you could was nothing while I played mommy then you did it to me again 2014 I was almost 14 I believe here I was playing mommy to yet another child who wasn’t mine.
- My dear bother who wants nothing to do with me wont talk or nothing can’t tell me what I did wrong all I wanted was for my brother to see me graduate and he missed it on June 4th I was heart-broken.
- Feeling like a failure all the damn time like wtf is there an answer or no idk anymore so what ever.
- my mom who left me age nine I just hope the asshole doesn’t end up killing you like he killed me inside.
- babe I love you so much your my everything you did nothing so don’t think this is because of you it’s not if you read backwards it tells you who all did it and made my life hell.
- if I was still here today do you all think you’d changed the way you treated me I don’t know but it’s for the better that im dead now because I don’t have to feel this pain anymore
YOUR DAUGHTER, FRIEND, GIRLFRIEND
Having been hating myself for a long time, I’ve decided that now is a good time to reflect on my good sides.
I’ll start first.
- I have a high pain threshold.
- I’m witty enough to minimize leaving scars when cutting.
- I can’t tolerate hating anybody except mine.
Leave yours in the comment section.
I’m 30 and just wish I had never been born! People who say oh it gets better are just lying or on some powerful drugs. Most of my problems are self inflicted but some aren’t. I’ve tried sucide 3 times and each one failed I’m definitely going to complete it next time fuck life.
I’m 30 never held a job besides a temporary job from a government program. I did county work. That was like 9-10 years ago. I haven’t got a license and I’m obese a virgin can’t even talk to the opposite sex. I hope I die soon. I was molested by a friend of the family when I was like 9 or 10 I developed social anxiety my parents never pushed me to do anything! Now I’m 30 fat ass loser who just wishes he had the balls to kill himself. Now I have MS and memory problems and I’ve signed up for ssi but they denied me. I’m killing myself that’s for damned sure if God exists then I have 3 questions for his sorry ass. 1: why did he allow me to get molested? 2 why do I have such bad social anxiety? And why did I develop MS? This life is a fucking nightmare! Fuck life! I don’t give a fuck anymore I just want to die! The system doesn’t give a fuck. I was called stupid by one my school teachers. It destroyed me because I really was trying my best. But she basically called me stupid in front of the entire class. So I hate life nothing about this fucking life is good! Fuck I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and go to sleep and never wake up. I just can’t handle life I wasn’t meant or built for this. I’m a failure fuck everyone and everything! I’m done.
I’m trapped. I desperately want to die but doing so would leave my partner in a terrible position financially and as such could lose her daughter and her dog. My mother recently passed and has left me her entire estate in her will. I have been struggling against these feelings for so long and do not want to live another day. I have massive amounts of Seroquel and other rx drugs for the taking and I just want to take a walk to the woods tonight with a case of beer and down as many of them as I can. If I provided a written and recorded statement that expresses that I chose to end my life and that I want all of the inheritance that is coming to me to be passed on to my partner instead so that she can afford to live and keep her family together, along with the contact info for both my mother’s attorney and paralegal, would there be any chance for that to be taken as valid? I live in New York.
I am so at the end of my rope and I just don’t want to create any more damage than I already have in my life.
It’s hard for me to know
Where everything went wrong
Nothing’s getting better
I’ve felt bad for so long.
I’ve fought my inner demons,
But now it’s time for me,
To end this life I hate
And finally be free.
I don’t want to be mourned,
I don’t want you to cry,
I just don’t want this life,
Please; let me die.
Mum, don’t be upset,
I don’t know when I’ll go.
It might be this year,
I honestly don’t know.
I’ve got a guilty conscience,
For what you’ll go through.
Don’t blame yourself, or anyone
It’s what I want to do.
I don’t want to live. I’m going to pick a time that will upset my family the least, then I’m done.
I’ve been keeping myself alive for so long. Failed suicide attempts in the past but none since the birth of my son, who is 6 years old. I love him. Oh how I love him. But I can’t fight anymore.
I was a bit problematic ever since I was in elementary, my dad had another family and left us although he supported our family financially, I still need a dad and I was just around 11 when that happened. When I entered middle school, I had new friends and I was really happy, I started to change and forget the problem/s I encountered. I even thought of studying Psychology and help people overcome their fears, issues and problems. But then recently, I found out I’m suffering Borderline Personality Disorder, I’m impulsive, have low self-esteem and do self-deprecating. I think of myself pathetic. My friend showed my a funny video of me rolling my eyes, K was seriously laughing but then something triggered me when she said that she’ll post it in social media, we had a short fight but then I asked forgiveness for being so sensitive and such. But she didn’t replied and started to backstab me. I was immature to start a twitter fight, so she asked me to confront her the next day, the night before we will meet one of my friend send me her conversation with friend #1 and I was truly hurt with the content. She said if I’ll not meet her up around recess she’ll never talk to me for 15 years. I was shocked, for a small and immature fight she’ll go to that extent of not talking to me for 15 years. I’m already having anxiety, overthink, and I’m having a breakdown. But something scared me and decided to seek advice, I started to doodle about suicide and just death. I was truly scared but then the more I think of it the more I realize that I’m not worth living here. Please help me, I still want to live but then these thoughts bothers me. When I see razors or anything that are sharp I feel crazy and like happy, then thoughts would swirl around my head.
first of all im not a native english speaker so this post might look terrible
I tried partially suspension
I thought Ive done more than enough research
so I tried it and tried it for like 3 hours
I just can’t fucking black out. I mean I felt the pain
my head felt like gonna explode
everytime I ‘fine lets do this properly this time’ and then I’m just trying to bear the pressure to my jaw and skull for like 1 min
WTF am I doing wrong
I even ordered a rope on the Internet??????
I’m even starting to think ‘is it my neck too thick?’ sth