I’m going to do it I just need to know how to let people down easy. I really can’t stay here. Any ideas on what to write for my mom would be amazing. Thank you!
My Suicide Note
I have no idea how to start or where to start. This letter suppose to give you answer/s why I did that. I hope it would. As you are reading this, I hope you can feel my presence by your side. And as you proceed, I can tell that you’re already holding my hand, I hope you won’t let go because I will lead you to this journey of mine. From how it all started and how it ended. It is not easy, it is not easy to end it. While writing this, I am stuck between wanting to live and wanting to die. How can I live if I have no courage to live? how can I live if everything around me is falling apart? I’m like a bridge that falls down through troubled waters, I’m sinking and drowning yet no one dares to fix me or maybe no one could actually fix me because I know everyone in this world also need their own fixing. I’ve seen enough. I’ve seen cruelty, violence, pain, darkness and fear everywhere, not just outside but also inside the thing I used to call ‘home’. I’ve seen those and I think I possessed them. I fear of living when I know I could possibly manifest them and become a monster in the future. I don’t want to harm anyone specially those who’ve been part of my life. I don’t want to be a big burden in this broken world. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t be a successful person like what my mother thinks. I know, she believes in me. I’m sorry. I am an average, I can’t prove myself that I can be better for I stick on mediocrity. I am afraid of heights, I am afraid of being on top, I’m afraid of expectations. I just want to be me, I just want to be accepted not because of my medals or achievements but because I fail but keeps on dreaming. But no one did that. Maybe there are some but I can feel that they’re not there for me. This world is a big competition for them. For people I thought who were there for me.
Maybe if people did become strong for me, then I could be strong for myself.
Maybe if people didn’t give up on me, then I probably would not give up for myself.
If people did forgive me, maybe I could forgive myself.
If people fought for me to stay, then I could probably fought for myself and stayed.
If people taught me not only to be strong and told me that it is okay to fall sometimes, then I probably didn’t tried so hard to be strong and faked myself of being strong.
If people didn’t judged me on the way I am, then I probably didn’t judge myself.
If people didn’t pity me for the way I look, then I shouldn’t have to pity myself.
If people tried to listen to me, then I could’ve listen for myself too.
If people didn’t told me to die, then I shouldn’t have to think of this.
If people respected me, then I could possibly respect myself.
If people talked to me about sadness, then I probably didn’t hide it away.
If people cared before it’s too late, maybe I could’ve saved myself.
If people didn’t think of me as a challenge and a foe, then I wouldn’t have to think that my greatest enemy is myself.
If people showed me what love truly is and taught me to be loved and how to love, then maybe I could’ve love myself. For I can’t see what love is. I don’t know how to love. I tried to love myself, to fix myself but I can’t see anything around me.
Maybe darkness has blinded me.
It is me who should be blamed for being like this. It is my fault that I’m a weakling, it is my fault that I didn’t look for my own way. It is my fault that I was carried away by this broken society. It is my fault that I let darkness win. It’s like I’ve been stuck in this long dark tunnel and I couldn’t find an exit. I am lost and all I can see is pure darkness with a smell of blood, fear, and death. All I can hear is what my mind telling me and I’m terrified. I am afraid of taking one step, I don’t wanna move, I don’t want to face them. And I’m tired. Tired of standing alone, tired of searching for someone who could help me. But how could someone help me if I can’t help myself? the thing is, I can’t. Fear is drowning me, it devours me and it may turn me into a monster that I couldn’t imagine. You may think that I’m too selfish not to think of what may happen to others specially to my mother. Yes, I’m selfish. And this is why I deserve this. I deserve to die. Because I’m not strong like what you’ve think. I also feel like I’m a burden. And if I’m gone, the financial problems would be lesser. There will be no problem for my education, food or any needs anymore. I’ve hurt a lot of people, I’m too selfish. But I never regret this, the thing I regret is that I was born. I regret that I exist. And I finally killed the monster that is growing inside of me before it devours my whole system. I hope that I finally answered your question. But I guess, even if I wrote this, I can’t still explain the whole thing to understand me. Because no one would understand you clearly except yourself. Unfortunately, I don’t even understand myself, I can’t seek for an answer. But the whole story will remain as a mystery for most, and I better hide this for myself.
Tuesday May 1st 2018
Koralie. Or Koraly. Or Korallie. That’s your sister’s name, Maggy.
I like Koralie better.
I want to see you both.
I’m not doing well now.
I took how many pills?
I feel pathetic.
Manilla asked me how I do it.
She’d kill herself if she were me.
If only she knew.
I love you two so much.
I want to meet you both.
And your brother without a name.
I love you three so much.
Because you’re me.
And you’re mine.
And I’ll take care of you.
I want to walk to you.
Talk to you.
Feel your nappy hair rub against my chest as you sleep.
I have to stay alive.
Write my will.
I want to live to love you.
I’m failing everything, my babies.
But you’re there, I hope.
You’re reading this, I hope.
You’re my everythings, you know?
My love, my life, my safety nets.
And you don’t even exist yet.
But you’re the only things that make me happy.
I can’t wait to be there for you.
To love you the way I never loved myself.
But I want to end it all.
Because I can love you,
But I’m not good enough.
I won’t be good enough.
You’ll leave me, too.
But I’ll love you anyway.
But you’ll break my heart.
But it’ll beat for you anyway.
I’m trying to fight.
And you’re worth the fight.
But I can’t fight anymore.
I’m so tired of fighting against it.
But I still love you.
I took 15 pills.
That’s how many.
But I still love you.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
You know what’s attractive about a self-sabotaging, incessantly angry, overly-formal asshole? Yeah, me neither. Looking back on my day, all I can see is me screwing up every single piece and part of my day. Not little fuck ups either. No, of course not. That would be forgivable and we all know I’m far beyond any kind of forgiveness. Instead, I not only ruined my day, but fucked up the lives of those around me. That’s right, folks! I’m a goddamn irredeemable piece of shit!
You know what’s funny? I can’t stand the thought of anyone loving or even liking me. It’s an absolutely abhorrent thought to me that someone would settle for me when there are better people out in the world. I’ve sabotaged several relationships because of this, and I’m sure it will continue. I suppose I don’t exactly feel like I need to worry about someone actually loving me, because I don’t think anyone will ever be able to feel love for such a self-sabotaging piece of dog shit. This is understandable, and I say this without jealousy or anger toward anyone. I’ve come to terms with myself as the piece of dog shit that I am, and I suppose I hope everyone comes to terms with this as well. Perhaps it is naivety that people will protect themselves from me. All the same, I will pursue this naivety.
Don’t tell me you love me. You don’t. No one does because no one can. (What makes you think you’re right, Kid? Who’s to say you’re not just being a narcissistic asshole control freak?)
I swear to god, I’m just one big conglomerate of unforgivable sins. I am fucking shit and I just want to be dead. Nothing is working anymore. I’m sure I’ll be gone soon enough, though, and I’ll stop being such a burden to everyone.
But hey, at least you’ll all get a good show the whole way to my death!!!
i really hate calling you that. dad. you don’t act like one. i swore to myself five years ago that i would never call you dad or tell you that i love you ever again, yet i did, because you scared me. but i never meant it. what you did, i can never fucking forgive you. she was my best friend. we were only eleven years old. she saw you as a father, she trusted you, she trusted me and you took that away from me. i remember coming to school the next morning. it was a monday morning, and she pulled me aside before class started and told me she wasn’t allowed to come over to my house anymore. i was so sad. when i asked her why? god i wanted to fuckinf throw up. “because your dad molested me.” i’ll never ever fucking forgive you. sure, you denied it, because “you would never do that”. but a fifth grader doesn’t fucking make that shit up. you’re disgusting. i hate youihate you. my mom won’t tell me what you did to her when you guys were still married because she’s afraid you’ll get mad at her. i don’t even want to imagine what you put my poor fucking mother through, and god i want to break you and my stepmother up, because she’s such a good woman, and i couldn’t fucking bear to see you corrupt her too. i hope you never forget this. goodbye dad.
I don’t know why, but you never seemed to give two sh*ts about me. You always cared about yourself and always expected everyone else to be perfect. No one ever measured up to your high standards. You always thought you were right about everything and that your way of doing things was the only way. You were a coward and a bully, my personal tormentor all these years. My very first memory of you was not one of a loving father, it was of you taking personal enjoyment for beating me over something that wasn’t even my fault. I tried so hard over the years to make you happy, for you to be proud of me, to avoid any of the pain you caused me. I lived in constant fear of you and remember times when I was younger where I would bury report cards for fear of being abused. Too many times throughout my life I would be abused by you just for telling the truth because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear. So I learned to lie to try and avoid your anger. But even that never worked. All I ever wanted from you was your love, to feel like you cared, to make you proud. I just wanted you to encourage me, to help guide me, to give me the emotional support I needed. But all I received was pain, physical abuse, being called a r*tard, that I would never amount to anything. Well, at least you were right about the last one. I never did amount to anything. I’m 40 years old and a complete failure because all I ever did was try and make you happy and tried to do whatever you wanted, but I never found my own happiness. But in a few days I’ll at least find peace.
This is my first time writing here and also writing about this so openly. I don’t know where do I start, but I do know when will all of this ends, very soon actually. I’m on the edge now which isn’t so very surprising considering there are about millions who are like me too, some, worse than me. It saddens me that I’m just one of those millions who suffer like this, that I’m only a part of some statistics scientists conduct every year. That I’ll never be someone, I’ll just be a part of something bigger. And soon, no one will remember that I was even a part of that thing.
Anyways, let’s start.
I’m an average girl just like everyone else, none of my attributes nor personality makes me special. Maybe my wounds made me special? Maybe not. I think special isn’t the right term too, but rather a monster, a freak. And that’s all I’ll ever be.
At first I don’t know what should I write or how would I express this unsaid feelings or whom this messages for but it turns out I want to write for everyone, even for myself.
To my family- I’m sorry that I was such a big disappointment. I’m sorry if I could never be the child you always wanted. I’m sorry if I had to do something stupid and hurt you, I’m sorry for making these deep wounds in my arms. I’m sorry if I added more pain to you guys after he passed away. The truth is, he was very close to me too, you all knew that but there are also many things you don’t. I had so many wishes and messages to him that I didn’t get the chance to say. It was already too late for him, he had a great life ahead of him and I know how that must’ve hurt. But you didn’t know that it was already too late for me too. You didn’t know that I was a part of his “why’s”. You still don’t know about it but everyday it haunts me realizing that I should’ve done something. That maybe thing would’ve been different. But it was already too late.
Mom and Dad, there’s some secrets that’s buried here, you’ll probably never find this and that’s a good thing but something inside me hopes that you will. In my room, in my desk, in the cabinets. By the time I’m gone from this world, if you search long enough there, you’ll find papers containing my “why’s and apologies.” I wrote a few which almost push me into doing it, I wrote a few that was the reasons for my scars and I hope that’ll be enough for you guys as my explanation. I was supposed to burn it, making it like beautiful ashes that scatters in the wind and ever fading away but realize you should have it. And I’m sorry.
To my friends– You guys have done so many things for me that I could never thank you enough for. You’ve been a family to me and I wish I was the same for you guys. You saw something inside me that no one else saw. Even though I was that freakish cliche loner girl that was always in the corner reading a book, you still saw me. Even though I had so many knives in my back, you all tried your best to remove it and never added in it. I know you all were scared trying to approach me for the first time, I know everyone were but you guys had the guts to do it and I want to thank you for that. But you will probably never see this, but that’s okay, I just wanted to let this feelings out. I’m sorry if you saw my wounds, I’m sorry you had to worry. You guys are really important to me.
To James– You have made an impact on my life which really surprised me. You helped me on my darkest nights, you were one of the reasons that I didn’t add more wounds in my skin. You understood me and you helped me even though I wasn’t worthy to be helped. I was happy, talking to you, making horrible jokes, being with you. You saw so much, maybe too much in me that I was too blind to see. I want to thank you for helping and being with this broken girl you liked.
To Someone who made a very big impact on my mind, my heart and my life– I never thought it would be like this. I never thought it will go this far. I never thought it will actually happen. We were just both random highschool kids that was always facing the cruel world that was never on our side. You wanted to help me, you wanted to fix me even though it means you were willing to put your pieces in me to make me whole. You made sure that I was okay, you cared so much about me but cared so little about yourself. Maybe in another universe, we were both okay, happily talking with our happy lives, always smiling but I know that this will never be that universe we always hoped about. Why? Because you’re gone. And it’s all because of me. I cared so much about you too, I’m sorry if I could never repay the feelings you had for me. We were both so unstable and I only made it worse. I tried to be there when you had panic attacks, I tried to be there and talk to you like you always did for me. I started caring too much and decided to let you know about the wounds, and that was a big fucking mistake. You got scared and I got scared also, it was because of my scars that made things worse for you, for us. You didn’t believe in yourself but you believed in me even though I didn’t believe in myself. You fought for me even though I couldn’t fight for myself. You loved me even though I couldn’t love myself. When the nightmares began I didn’t know what to do. Until everything got worse for you, for us. It got worse and worse until one day..
Maybe the thing that made me feel afraid the most was the fact that we both knew what was gonna happen to the both of us but we tried our best to prevent it but in the end we couldn’t. That we weren’t afraid of the things that we couldn’t see but rather the things that was right infront of us. That in the end we both stopped trying, or was that only me? Because you never stopped trying to help me. You never stopped loving me. Maybe I got tired first but you were the first to give up. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry if the world was cruel to us. I’m sorry if you felt hideous, I’m sorry if you feel that you fuck things up but you didn’t when you helped me. I should be happy to tell you that I’m not slitting myself anymore, but how could I when it’s already too late for you? You were one of the big reasons why I stopped, maybe because you died stopping me? I don’t know. I want to tell you so many things. So many unsaid feelings, because I know you were always there to hear my scream and pain. You were. But you’re not here anymore. And I don’t want to let you go yet. You made me feel weak, you made me want to die of regrets but you also made me feel special, that I was someone. You made me happy, for a while. I wish I could’ve repaid you. I wish it wasn’t too late.
For me– You. You’ve done so many fucked up shit in your life and you still are. You were always afraid of everything. Afraid to stand up for yourself, afraid to be yourself, afraid to be judged, afraid to risk, afraid to love, afraid to be forgotten, afraid to fight, afraid to live, afraid to die. Maybe that’s why everybody hate you, maybe that’s why you hate yourself. Everyday seems to be an endless cycle of unfortunate events. You should be happy, you have a home, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, couple of friends, good grades, a broken family, even though they are a mess, you’re lucky to have them, and finally, you have a life that you get to live. It’s not too late for you. It’s never too late. You got tired, you fall down. And I’m sorry things have to be this way. I’m sorry about the people. I’m sorry for all the messed up shits that you’ve encountered that made you like this, that pushed you to the edge. Please don’t be an egotistical lady. Please realize that there’s a bright future ahead of you. Please don’t go blind. I know things are getting blurry everyday, I know it’s so hard to hold on, I know it’s much easier to let go. Please hold on a little longer.
For someone who continues to try– For someone who continues to try and help others, for someone who tries to hold on everyday, continue trying if you still can and I hope you can. The pain keeps getting worse everyday, I know. And you’re strong for that. The world is a dark place and we use dying to find light. But sometimes there are tiny lights around us that maybe we’re just too blind to see. And maybe, we could be lights too. So don’t go blind. Don’t be blinded by the lies of this world, don’t be blinded by the regrets. Fighting might be hard and I’m hoping none of us lose. Thank you for trying.
x x x x
At first I didn’t really know why I wrote this. Maybe I just needed this feelings out. It gets hard when you bottle all of the feelings inside, it’s a lot harder when you can’t contain it anymore. I don’t know where all of this will lead to. I don’t know whether if this is what’s gonna make me whole or this would be the end of me. Will I survive? Right now I’am, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it.
Most people looking into my life would think I have everything, A happy marriage, 4 beautiful children, a good education and a decent job but….. My happy marriage is anything but happy. We’ve been together 15 years, literally half my life. He says he loves me but his actions prove otherwise. He recently reported me to police saying I was selling the pain meds I got from a doctor. Not true. Well, now police are saying I could go to prison for 20 years. I can’t prove I didn’t do this but Florida law says just having a script filled is trafficking. For the past month, I just go through the motions waiting for the day the police will come to haul me off to jail. I feel like I’m in a fog I cant find my way out of. I’ve cut off all contact with my so-called “friends” I have even stopped talking to most of my family. They don’t care. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I try to think positively but end up finding it pointless. I know everyone will be better off without me. I’m just a burden to them. I’m never happy. I want to spend time with my kids but I find myself pushing them away. I already have a plan to end it and all the supplies I need, I’m just deciding on a place and time. More than likely I will get a hotel on the beach somewhere. I will watch the waves until I drift peacefully off. I’ve written down all my family’s favorite recipes and wrote many letters to each of my children to be open on certain days in the future, such as birthdays, weddings, babies and so on. There is only one letter to my husband, thanking him for doing absolutely nothing while he watched me sink into this deep depression. I don’t blame him really, He doesn’t love me anymore, so as a result, he doesn’t notice. it wont matter soon anyway.
I’m only 16
I should be writing
Not suicide notes
I’m only 16
I should be drawing
Not with razors
I’m only 16
I should be wanting
To go out with friends
Not wanting to be dead.
if i killed myself tonight who would really care?
I have no friends. Nobody cares, if I was starving or if I was in mourning
Blood dries up. Tears do too. I have nothing, & no one cares, or is even wondering.
I hate myself enuff to cry about it daily.
I love them all so much, they’re the only pains that faze me.
I want it to be over soon. So there will be less pain.
But, my pain grows, & what was strong weakens with each day.
I’m a failure for my past, & yet each day I really try.
By the day’s end, to the distant moon I cry.
Filling the holes of my heart as I sleep;
My dreams of us, are all that steady me.
I’d settle for a fone call, I’d like to get a card.
Yet I am here alone, a piece of nothing in no one’s heart.
I know I will lose my mind. I hold no key, I have no time.
I spare all besides my life, I am no hero, I am the crime.
I wondered.. so I said it, then found it was true.
That day my world crumbled; I hate seeing things the way that I do.
Soon it will hurt them, as it once did hurt me.
But. I won’t be here to care. Even if I appear to be.
You will forget my smile, you will no longer know my face.
My voice will ring through your mind, & then be gone; No warning. No trace.
You’ll claim to have memories. That we were “good friends”..lol.. it’s”a diss”
My funeral is “MY goodbye!” You can keep your tantrum fits.
I won’t be a dream, a transfered thought barely a hazy memory.
Sad sad sad, how i cared about their lives; & their lives forgot about me.
Moments deceived my hopes when I was excited for conversion,
But, an asteroid would hit the earth as I was avoided for every situation.
I needed a heart to care about me outside of my husband and kid.
Family was busy, broke, or working, while not handful with parties with their friends.
Friends were busy, broke, or out of town and so I had no desire to pester THEM.
If a tiny minute could’ve been when we may have had a chat…
I wonder would THEN you remember if I ever even laughed.
Who was my favorite country singer?
What food did I like to cook?
Who was my favorite poet? Ok, maybe you know if I had a favorite book?
Oh, you will tell your friends you knew me. Say to people “I’ll tell you all about her!”
But, the TRUTH is you never called, wrote, text messaged, or thought or cared.
You CAN’T tell anyone of me, or my grieving, or my despair?
My daily rituals of wake up, miss her, then to fail. Are over now, & you all have prevailed.
But, did you really?….
Did you ever wonder, hope, think or care for anyone other than your friends?
Can you tell me the last message you sent me? Or when?
Can you tell everyone again, how we were “always together” or “she could laugh all night!”
Lie about how “she had my shoulder..”, or “she could’ve called me! I don’t know why….”
Tell them how “nobody liked her when she was drunk…..she was mean!”
Or Lie & tell how “she never gave up the drink!”
Because she can’t tell you now how she did, & was STILL seen as a CHILD.
She wanted to go out, but no one ever arrived.
It wasn’t something she liked about herself, she never liked to beg.
But even when she needed help, no one came in the end.
Worrying about the world & wut whose children will grow to teach their own.
She was worrying about the world, while the world left her alone.
She’s not worried anymore, she’s not sad, she not alone.
Baby is with Daddy. And now Momma is at peace & forever near, & all her pain is gone.
No more tears, no more frowns to see, no more sad Momma. You all deserve to be happy.
So do I.
Death comes in many forms. I see it all around me. It’s lying in each others arms, and you haven’t even found me. It’s taking on my soul and left my poor heart pounding. I am losing all control. Have you come to find me drowning?
Because I smile when I can see your smile
Because Im breathing when I can see you live
Without you Im dead inside
The death is no different with what I feel without you
If I can switch my life with you
I would love too
Ill be happy to die first
Than seeing you off first
Or should I just go with you
The pain I hold
The scar I have
I cant stand with my own feet
Should I just go with you..?
My story has gotten quite a bit worse since last May and my last post. Still on felony probation. I managed to fail upward and drop dirty for weed on another like 5 tests in the last year. Got a PTR for it. Been fighting that since December. The judge was actually a sorta decent human being and told me to stop getting high and he would let me complete my probation. Asking me to stop getting high is like asking me to stop breathing. So I quit weed and started snorting dope. Heroin… I got in a car accident a while back so I got a Vicodin script. It’s fucking hilarious. They are so proud of me for not smoking weed. I’ve shown them 2 “good” tests now weed free and when it says I come up for opiates it’s all good cause the doctor gave me a script…only 12 5mg pills but that’s 12 excuses “as needed for pain” good for a whole year. I got my paper shield to tell them to piss off. What most people don’t realize is that Heroin can only be detected as different from other opiates for 12-18 hours after last use. If I know or think I’m going to have to go for a test all I have to do is not do dope the day of or I can make poppy-seed tea. I was supposed to be done with probation on February 16th. I didn’t get all my community service hours done 78 out of 200 done and I been doing this sober living class for 100 hours credit. I’m living in a different county than this case so of course the class I graduated from in my county when I go to court last time the other county person that supervises me is like oh that class isn’t compatible how many more months do you need to do another 122 hours and I’m like wtf are you talking about. I was told this was an equivalent program. Turns out the prosecutor is actually a semi decent person too seeing as I’m being such a good boy. He was like no-no he’s supposed to get credit and wrote up a court order to get me credit for 100 hours. I went to that class high as a kite on heroin almost every time. It’s ironic that I’ve kicked my “weed addiction” by using heroin.
I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago because she was selfish as fuck and judgemental. We argued about the same thing we argue about every 3-4 months for the last 5 years. She says she can’t be with someone who does drugs and that she can’t be around it. I told her as soon as I’m done with probation I’m going to start using weed again every day. She made me choose her or drugs so I obviously choose drugs. Drugs make me feel good and she makes me feel bad. Easy choice. I said this isn’t like it’s news I’ve been telling her forever that I use weed and will continue to do so. I haven’t told anyone about the heroin. It’s a dirty shameful addiction and of course nobody that hasn’t done dope really understands. I guess curiosity killed the cat. After many times watching people do and being offered more than once and clearly because the dope fiends wanted me to be more inclined to giving them a ride for the shit I tried it anyway. I’ve been chipping it for 6 months now. I can’t afford a daily habit even if I wanted to but I know how shitty it is to go cold turkey. Worst flu I’ve ever had and knowing you can make it better in a flash is even worse. Heroin is the most addictive thing I’ve ever tried. I don’t smoke cigs so I can’t compare it.
I’m so sick of being used by everyone I’ve ever met. I let my girlfriend abuse me for years. I was just her sex object. She would use me for her pleasure and leave me sexually frustrated as soon as she got hers… She was a whore for attention. Good bad didn’t seem to matter to her. She constantly asked me if I thought she was fat (she runs marathons) or if she was pretty. She understood me I guess and that’s why I didn’t leave her before. She could be a complete sweetheart and at other times be a cold heartless ***** to protect herself from rejection or whatever. The longer we were together the more she seemed to think she could use me as her emotional punching bag. I never responded to that in a positive way. If she was abusive to me I would ignore her for days or whatever till she apologized. I cut her off of the attention she wanted by throwing these tantrums. I guess I’ve grown and she just stayed the same or even went backward.
I guess what really hurts is that I loved her more than she loved me. I accepted her for who she was and she gave me ultimatums. That never ends in me doing what someone wants. I just can’t live with letting someone run my life.
I wish I was dead. It’s all I think about. The closer I get to putting my life back on track the more I try to fuck it up and the more I want to just give up. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being a decent person to everyone I meet and that kindness and generosity being mistaken for weakness. My heart just isnt into being an asshole. People keep trying to take advantage.
FIrst thing first please DO NOT leave a comment saying “It’s just a boy get over it.” or anything in that category because I wouldn’t make tell you something to make you feel like your problem(s) you may be having less daunting all of our problem(s) are a big deal to us…and I would like it if you would make mine seem smaller than it is..cause it may not be big to you but it’s huge to me.
Okay…My name is Gracie,i’m 14 years old about to turn 15 in 5 months.My life has had it’s up and downs,just like the rest of you.I just can’t seem to get anything right these days my life used to be perfect.The perfect boyfriend,the perfect friends,the perfect grades everything was going fantastic almost too good to be true.Until…I lost him….he left like it all meant nothing to him,like he couldn’t care less if I died right this moment…I was so damaged and broken I had nowhere to turn….I cutted every night for 4 months,cried myself to sleep every night for 4 months.He dumped me a week and one day before christmas,not because he wanted to his mom had made him…he said we could still act like lovers,he had came to my house that night to tell me in person he was dumping me.He told me to video chat him the next day at school at lunch,so I did and as soon as I saw his face I broke into tears,I told him I couldn’t talk to him right then without crying I would talk to him later…not knowing I wouldn’t hear from him again for the next 4 months…..that was the last day he texted me.I was really hurt…I felt like I had done something wrong…and I had the urge of wanting to go back and fix what I had done..but I couldn’t and thats what made it worst.I slowly started getting back to my old self,the happy me,the funny me,the hyper me.But he popped back up in my life again,out of nowhere…I get on my messages and I see I have a message from him…and I text back,when I do he’s pouring out his soul to me.Saying i’m sorry Gracie,I didn’t mean to hurt you,my mom had my phone so I couldn’t text you kind of bullshit.He tells me he still loves me..and being a dumbass I am,I fell for it,I believed him,I took him back.I loved him…or what I thought was love.it wasn’t even a week after we were dating that he started ignoring me again….he ignored three days straight,and I wasn’t gonna let what he had done happen again,I wasn’t going to let myself go through that bullshit again…so I go to message him this morning and he had blocked me,so I get on my friends phone and had texted him this:
Are u fucking serious? if your gonna dump a girl tell her don’t leave her wondering if he still loves her or not because he’s been ignoring her.And you didn’t have to block me all you had to say was hey it’s over or some shit,just shows a sign of immaturity…I wanted to believe that it wasn’t you who was truly doing this I wanted to believe that someone else had access to your phone and you couldn’t talk to me….but now that I see it’s you that has looked at my message and then decides to ignore me(I believe it’s you,my gut instinct is telling me it’s been you) and then block me but hey it’s okay..you don’t want me in your life i’ll just walk out…if this is truly daemeon why did you do it again after you said you wouldn’t? Why did you lie and say you loved me? I still love you Daemeon but I can’t continue to be with someone who can’t talk to me….when you are allowed to be with me and still want to be with me we can give it another go but till then I can’t be with you…I can’t have a boyfriend that doesn’t talk to me…yes I will still wear your jacket,Yes I will still say your mine,and yes i’m here for you…text me back soon if you still want to be together but if you don’t i’ll have to go my separate ways just till we meet again or are allowed to talk again.
Still no word from him,it was the hardest thing i’ve had to do…I just hope I made the right decision…
Ever since I was 14, i’ve been depressed and wanted to kill my self. In year 12, I started getting better, I got closer to my friends and I was happier. When I started uni, I got worse, I was anxious, my family were cold, distance, and always had something to complain about. That’s when i started cutting myself. Then, for the last few months it’s been up and down. I was getting better, happier, closer to my friends, spending more time with them and talking to them when ever i felt down.
But now, I…I just don’t want to. I just don’t want to live anymore. This world is cruel. It’s doomed. I just want to rest. Be free and at peace.
My friends are good. My family relationship, for the most part, is getting better, slowly. I’m halfway through getting a degree, that I’m probably going to fail. I have friends which love me. But I still want to go.
Last month, someone I knew from school killed their self. I hadn’t thought about suicide in a while before than. But when i heard that they’d died, let alone killed their self. I couldn’t believe it. I always thought that everyone else was happy, that I was the only one who would die by their own hand.
I don’t know whether I should post this. I just fell like I need to do something. About 5 minutes ago, I had a rope around my neck, and my vision was blurring, but then just as I was going my instincts kicked in and pulled it off. Now I don’t know what to do. Every time I’m about to do it, my brain tricks me. It makes me think of everything. Everything happening, everyone i know…everyone I love.
I just don’t want to be sad. I want to be happy. I want a life full of love, someone to love me and hold me at night. But so far, despite my best efforts, that doesn’t seem likely to be possible.
Woke up some time after 4pm again for the millionth time in a row when I could have been productive today. I know over sleeping makes your body feel worse but I just can’t will myself out of bed until I absolutely have to. Because of this, I eat one meal a day at most (the term meal used loosely).
Thinking about a commenters words of finding a calm place. I’m not really sure I have one. Sometimes sleep can be freeing, but tbh I am often plagued by reoccurring nightmares of traumatic experiences and will cry in my sleep. I never really feel well rested or energized.
The only other place I have felt calm would be one of the places where I had planned to kill myself 2 years ago. I just got kicked out of school because I was too poor to afford the rest of my tuition, my boyfriend was caught cheating on me for months, and I was beyond broke with a week to find a new place to live or be out on the street. I tried to call my parents for help in an act of sheer desperation and was told “that sucks, hope you figure something out” and that was it.
My school was near a river and one day I just turned off my phone so no one could reach me and walked out of my room, not looking back. I had never learned to swim so any large enough body of water would do the job. When I got to the pier along the water, a lot of people were around as it was a sunny day so I decided to wait on a bench in front of the guard rail until no one was there who could stop me. I ended up sitting there for hours, completely disassociating while staring aand listening to the moving water. It’s kind of corny in a way that water can have such a calming effect on people. It helped me settle the demons in my mind long enough that by happen stance a friend ran into me and sat with me and my plans by that point were called off.
To be honest though I really wish I jumped into the water that day. That friend who accidentally “saved me” later became my lover- then one of my biggest abusers which still haunts me.
Hi, “artaria” 21, gnc intersex/transgender and hating life
I’m almost 22 but I feel as if I am generations older from all of the messed up stuff that has happened in my life. Every year seems to have un-ending sadness and awful events. So many horrible things I couldn’t begin to list it all.
It is embarking on the anniversary of the last really big traumated thing to happen in my life last year. Months of intense emotional and physical abuse culminated to me finding myself in an even worse situation that I don’t really want to get into right now…
I still blame myself in a lot of ways for not getting out of that situation but many factors stopped me. I’ve been poor my whole like so I couldn’t just leave or I’d be out on the street. My parents have had a physically abusive relationship my whole life- my dad was an alcoholic and abusive to my mom and all of the children. so I’m socially conditioned to think it’s ok… that people are fucked up because they love you.
I was always the weird one and got made fun of and threatened for it. My parents would hold secret house meetings when I was at work and ask my siblings for private details about me. I have always been queer and artsy and that doesn’t fly in my family, my parents instructions were to “beat the gay” out of anyone who acted out.
When I discovered my true gender identity, it was frightening. I had to hide it from everyone out of fear of being beat. Thus intensifying the lifelong hatred for myself I still harbor. At this point I’ve been living on my own terms since I was old enough to run away from my awful family and town when I turned 18. Ive almost been homeless several times but managed to hustle some kind of temporary situation before I could start making enough money for myself to just barely survive… but no matter how hard I work I still feel stuck.
I still hide my trans identity from almost everyone around me, save a few internet friends. I feel so isolated but I know it would be worse if they knew. I already feel so disgusted with myself I don’t want others to degrade my body even more. This disgust is made worse through my traumatic memories of multiple sexual abuse. I also live with chronic pain that I hide from EVERYONE. Mostly because I’m in denial. I have confirm tested for precancerous cells and over the past year have been developing worse and worse alarming symptoms… but tbh I secretly hope it ends up to be something bad enough to kill me so don’t have to.
Transgender people have one of the highest rates of suicide and I completely understand why. I have written a suicide note many times and have had one failed attempt. The suicidal thoughts come in intensifying waves to the point I either can’t sleep at all or I will sleep for over 15 hours of the day, then get up in the night and go out and drink on a cycle for a week in a row.
I feel so alone all the time, I have friends, but I still keep a level of mystery up for my own protection and can’t even let them hug me or they might feel my body is different.
I feel my gender has made my life exponentially more difficult than it has to be. As a queer person, I don’t feel like I can fully express myself. I constantly have to hide behind certain clothes and never feel right. Recently, I feel like I fucked up one of the most beautiful relationships I could ever have because I couldn’t accept myself and nobody finds that attractive. He tried to love me, but in the end my self depricating and disgusting body was too much, he admitted that he just wanted a “real man”.
I feel so lost in this world. I don’t think I could ever love myself unless I cold just wake up one day and be normal. I don’t know if it’s real, but I have always felt like some people are just meant to suffer and end it on their own terms. I’ve been considering writing a new note just to have on hand for when it all breaks. I already know exactly how I would end it and have always had it in the back of my mind…
I came here to see ways of committing suicide that would make my death look like natural.But as the site rules are that we are not suppose to give people tips so this doesnt seem to be a right place.
I am suppose to tell my whole life and problems to people who are complete strangers and they will show empathy of some kind.As pathetic as it sounds my religious believe does tell me that suicide is an unpardonable sin by God.The here after will be hell for eternity which doesnt sound great as well.Your believes might be different.
The first thing I ask is I never asked to be born so it IS my right to end it what ever they way and when ever they way i like.
So we are supposed to be sad and depressed for the rest of the life till death comes naturally ?
There is not one thing I like about myself and I have nothing to offer as well.Since we all live in a society and nobody i think is actually alone there is always atleast one person there and now I am ranting.I always have suicidal tendencies and i think there are for reasons and the list is humongous.Its always better to leave because one way or the another we all are going to die.Everything which has a beginning must have an end.Hope and will are over rated.
There are ways of going out with discretion but means to them are to hard to get by.
BTW I am 28 male with college degree but no job experience I mean i quit as soon as possible because these jobs are also very depressing apparently everything is.
Almost a decade ago i started smoking weed and got caught doctors treated me and from there this is a cycle last year when i did get a job i quit after 3 week training and a 2 week on a job and everyday on my way back home i was getting more and more depressed so i told my parents and got treated again those meds they work for sometime i mean i didnt wanted to kill myself but i wasnt happy either since then i am tutoring to students and counseling them as good as i can.but even that isnt worth it … infact nothing is worth doing … the amount of sleeping pills i take everyday should technically kill me but fuck i am a survivor but a survivor who just alive i mean this isnt life
I have never hurt anyone mostly i try to avoid that i dont even kill a cockroach or any insect.
On top of that i think if you have nothing to give to this world I dont think you should continue to live and I dont have anything not any skills or anything the finances arent great either but even if they were they would lead me to substance abuse more i abuse myself and i am a very secretive person even if i am dying inside i dont think theres a soul on the planet who would know.
So I gotta take care of somethings before I go out and to find out the best way to go.
I am straight but at this point i dont even find anyone attractive I used to jerk off a lot but even that has lost its pleasure.So I am a virgin but I did fool around with a girl at the age of 18 who wasnt very pretty but i was in love i guess that wears off too so i broke it off in a couple of months and that had been on and off for some years the last time we got physical she got drunk and sucked my penis but i was too drunk to ejaculate so we just cuddled and she passed out and after some time so did I but I woke up before her this whole thing lasted for some hours We dont consume a lot of alcohol from where i am and i dont even remember how long ago was that.
To sum it up which is quite difficult I am highly unstable emotionally not that this has ever affected anyone because i cant take it out on anyone and i think the blames on us rather than to put it on others.
I dont even know why i came here spilled everything out but then IDGAF attitude i always have.