Rants

I just finished my school year. Great! I should be happy, but instead I’m in complete panic mode because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with all of my sudden free time.

Look for a job? Write a book? Do gardening? I suppose they’re all valid, the only problem is that I have a terrible and constant upper back and neck pain. It would probably be fixed by something, but I don’t know what that something is.

Last week I attempted to occupy myself, and I just overworked myself and apart from that, I’ve been thinking about my past a lot recently because people […]

I havent used this space since last year, that’s pretty shocking… Around the same time as well, March 3rd, 2023, was the last time.

Nothing else really changed, i assume it got worse but that’s just my silly brain sometimes. It sucks having strong emotions and no place to put them into, and I feel like that’s something people can relate to in a sense that life progresses. Life is such a funny word to me, and I get bored thinking about it. So it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here, but it still remains comforting (the same way it always was yk?)

Is purpose the sole source of meaning, or can we find fulfillment in appreciating what we already have? Many of us strive for improvement, setting ambitious goals. However, in our ever-changing economy, the vast majority will never fully achieve or surpass these lofty aspirations. Amidst this struggle, I’ve lost enjoyment in many things, leading to a sense of inertia. The burden of consequences often outweighs the motivation to act.

Interestingly, our world teeters on the brink of a new industrial revolution, driven by factors like the economy, wars, and artificial intelligence. Jobs vanish at an accelerating pace. Yet, instead of addressing these critical issues, we squabble […]

I had a forgotten drunken one night stand years ago with a former coworker when i first had my psychotic break. Weeks later i noticed she had been doting over me and smiling like her first christmas whenever she seen me even though we we never close emotionaly atleast. Then one time we were working the same shift overnight and i noticed the baby bump. Not remembering sleeping with her then(xanax will do that) i chalked up her excitement at seeing me as horny pregnancy hormones or something. I seen her shopping two years ago with a guy i know and a young child thats […]

I want there to be something wrong with me. I wish a doctor could diagnose me with terminal inability to make friends. I want a scapegoat for my problems, instead of acknowledging that most of my problems stem from my own actions.
And then one might say to me on that subject (and I certainly have to myself, many a time) “why not take action, try to get out, try to meet people, try to focus, try to work on yourself. After all, nobody can do it for you – the best motivation comes with within.”
And I must say “but I have failed before […]

So i don’t post much on here. I usually read people’s post on here and see if i can relate on here. I know we’re all hurting inside and we all have our own problems. I figured I’d share something to see what others think about the subject I’m about to talk about

So i knee surgery today. Didn’t seem they found much bad in my knee, but only clean up the inside of it. To keep the story short, i just wanted to say this. When they put me to sleep, i felt i was at peace. No pain, no sorrow, no depression, slno sadness, […]

The feeling always lingers in the back of my mind… I cant remember a time where it’s been gone completely, even for just a moment. A dark and cold feeling. It’s hard to talk about because I’m not good at explaining it, and I dont want to bother anybody… but I cant just… let it sit, I guess, for very long. Fear, pain, a sort of bitterness, a horrible burdensome feeling. I have fantasies that killing myself will actually help the world somehow. Like a brutal sort of death I put myself through. I think about that pretty often actually. A sort of sacrifice I […]