If it wasn’t for my boyfriend idk where I would be at. I’m honestly so blessed to have him. as some people know that have read my rants and stuff I’ve been crying everyday for a couple of months and almost 2-5 times a day and just been hurting really bad and hating who I am and suicide was a heavy thought on my mind. But if it wasn’t for him I’m pretty sure I would be gone. He deals with my mental break downs and when I cry and when I get angry and when I’m numb. We do argue a lot but he […]
Category:
Rants
“Life is a gift! Live, laugh, love! You only live once (YOLO)! Thank God! Life is beautiful!” etc etc. Well, not really. Wake up and open your eyes to reality.
by niki
written by niki
Only those people who are lucky & fortunate in life who can loudly say that life is a gift. The reality is, not everyone is fortunate. In fact, most people on this planet live in pain & sufferings just barely enough to survive. And then, even if people live in the first-world developed countries like in U.S or Europe for example, there are ironically still people who are depressed, and even suicidal/commit suicide. If life is a gift, like most people nowadays keep saying, then why all those reality exist? The only answer I can think of is: it is human’s nature perhaps for (most) […]
I keep thinking back to that night 28 November at 03:58, when i wrote my goodbye note on my computer just minutes before the attempt.
Why did it have to fail again, it does not gets better like everyone promise it will.
I have never succeed anything in my life not even my last attempt, why I’m such failure in anything I try to do in my life. Everyday, every night I dream back to that moment. I’m going to try again and hope this time I get some good sleep from it.
I don’t frequent these feelings often, but when I do I’m scared. I get lost in the thought of hating everything I am. No faith for change, for adaptation. I wake up the same each day, my mindset doesn’t change. My energy comes sporadically, periodically through the day I’ll find small bursts of motivation. I know at the rate I’m going, I’ll be nothing. I’ll be nobody. Yet, with this knowledge, I still can’t get out of bed in the mornings. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, or take a shower. The dirt clothes have been piling up for over a month. […]
I’ve always thought of this place as a place for people who are diagnosed. I guess that’s why I never felt like I should write here. Now I’m pretty sure I need some kind of help because I saw that I actually have written entries here.
Schoolwork overwhelms me + Im @ my parents
Started abusing some meds that lay round at my house, e.g. zolpidem, which is horrible, I’m just wobbling round the house all day. Wish I could find somewhere more xanny but I popped them all. All of this is probably because of the ecstasy I took like 3-4 weeks ago (1st time doing […]
This constant hate for myself has been getting overwhelming. Honestly suicide has started to become a huge option. I try to think positively of myself and about my life but I can’t and it’s really hard. I know there are peoples life’s worse than mine but I just don’t like myself and I always feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been crying everyday of my life for the past couple of months non stop about 2-5 times a day. My body has become so weak and I always feel exhausted for all this crying but get 4 hours or less sleep a day. […]
y’know, maybe i should be working on the assignments i said i would instead of letting one email get to me like this. But I can’t. I already put this up on a vent channel elsewhere but I deleted it because my friends were on there and I felt like such a bother. I mean, the person who got me here was me and me alone, why should I involve others like this? Then again, I just really wanted to get something out there other than keeping it in my mind and have it tear me down. I’ve always felt better after getting it out […]
i first found out about ‘suicide forums’ when i was reading from a (shocker) suicide book. i quickly looked at the website, convincingly telling myself it was out of curiosity. closed the tab as if spending any more time on it would spread to me and infect me. it did. it became something i did a lot. reading through pages and pages of people and their thoughts. ironic to see so many alone people feel alone together. at this point i wouldn’t say i’m sad, i’m still. i wish i could write about how everything has messed me over. i feel drained, empty, tired of […]
i drive away the people i love. they lose interest. i destroy myself. all i feel is pain all the time and when i’m happy its naive because it never lasts. ill never last in this world. im 18 now, but i feel like a child still. i cant manage responsibility. i let people down. they’re sick of me. i’m a waste. i build myself up just to crash and burn in the worst way at the very last second. and this fucking pain, why do i hurt so much? i’ve tried so many medications, they don’t seem to work. my intrusive thoughts come, and […]
So for a while now, probably a couple of months I’ve been crying every single day about something it could be the littlest thing but I just start crying and I just going to this episode of hating myself and wanting to just be alone and away from everything and everyone and then it turns into anger and then anybody who tries to help me I give a attitude to. And I do know that I’m clinically diagnosed with bipolar depression But for years it’s been under control and I’ve learned how to control it so much that years ago the Psychiatrist felt like I […]
tell someone = burden someone, make them frustrated with me, I become vulnerable and unlikable = wrong
don’t tell someone = bottle it up until I kill myself = wrong
talk about it anonymously = no relief + vulnerability = wrong
kill myself = no more of this endless cycle of mistakes = maybe right, but slightly inconvenient for certain living people
fix myself = impossible, make no reasonable progress, hurt so many people on the way = wrong
run away = coward, escape all the people I’ve hurt, start over and fuck it up again or just kill myself = solid outcome
Well I used this website before and honestly it’s a really helpful and supporting place and I’ve never experienced any type of hate being here so I decided to use it again and I thank the people on this website for being so nice to me when sharing my feelings really means a lot and would gladly do the same . I don’t even know how to put all that I’m feeling into proper words. I’ve been going through a lot in my own head. I constantly put myself down and I’m always saying that I hate myself. And the worse part is everything I […]
I can’t fit my whole life into just this page, but I have dealt with depression, multiple types of anxiety, anorexia, adhd, insomnia, chronic migraines, and ocd almost my whole life. There have been times where I have been one step away from suicide. I have called the suicide hotline, wrote suicide letters, etc. I was supposed to be admitted before this coronavirus panic started and now I am stuck in my house with a father that doesn’t understand. I have my good days, but my bad days are so much lower than my good days are high. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth dealing […]
I love what my life has come to. It’s been a couple months since I tried to kill myself. Even though things are getting better, it also feels like they are getting worse. I have been through a lot but not a lot at the same time. I completely understand people how have no reason to feel they way they do because that’s me. I had no reason for feeling so sad. I live an okay life. My parents can afford to pay for necessities, I’ve never been bullied, I have nice friends but I still felt that way. Anyway that’s enough about that, the […]
is it sad, that i always find myself back here? whats sad anymore.. i feel numb, no feeling lasts more than 5 seconds. and i have gotten used to it. i bared with that empty feeling for so long, so hard. even my tries to die weren’t so genuine.. i am too tired to even die. if the world collapsed this very second i would just blink and probably feel nothing still, maybe a glimpse of relief but thats all. i just really wish i never existed. i didn’t want to exist i never asked for it, and i feel like im ungrateful because of […]
always get out of the hole to get sucked right back in. i mean nothing to anyone and im lying to myself if i think anyone will give a fuck when im dead.
A couple of years ago I had many attempts of suicide, since then I’ve been trying to get help. Everything gets in the way, stopping me from helping myself. I try and find reasons to start over new or someone for that matter. Now I feel numb and without a single care.
In our household music is everything. I push myself every night to add more and more hours onto my piano practice, until my hands cramp and I can’t play any longer. I sometimes get really angry where I pull at my hair and make my skin bleed, usually screaming my head off, there is […]
Some people are lucky; Some people are not.
The more you learn about this world and society, the more you will realize that Life is random (chances), and yes, Life is not fair. Reality is depressing.
Most people who still always keep saying that “if you work hard, you will be successful!” are naive, ignorant, and simple-minded typical “optimistic/positive/happy-go-lucky” people you always see everywhere. And even for those people who realized it and therefore said that what’s important is to “work smart”, it also usually often means to be sly, cunning, opportunistic bastards who are too often selfish, pricks, ruthless, cold, heartless, and only care about […]
Ive been on this site a while reading everyone else’s thoughts, I would have said so much to all of you but I didn’t want to register.
I’ve been struggling with thoughts of suicide since I was 14, I am now about to turn 30 so it’s been more than half my life. I attempted at 16, as much as one can attempt to shoot oneself without pulling the trigger before getting caught. The good news is that the past 7 years were an easy fight, I felt purposeful and had a job I loved, but now that job feels like a cage and I […]
Once again I’m here to read ppl’s agony. It grounds me whenever I have suicidal thoughts. It’s tragic to know that people are there for you but eventually they’ll get tired of your shit and toxcitity then leave you knowing that it would make you misery. Makes me want to kill myself more. I know that I don’t have to depend on people and get their validation but it’s hard not to when you rlly love those ppl around you. I feel like a burden. Always have been. I blame myself for everything and for the existence I found no purpose and not thankful for. […]