H A P P Y
happy
H A P P
Y aren’t I
H A P P
Y don’t I want to go outside?
Sunshine used to make me
H A P P
Y does it now sting my creaking mind?
H A P P
Y is my room such a mess if I can’t even get out of bed where I spin dreams of HAHAHA happiness, a heavy heaving chest
I’m so incredibly un
H A P P
Y now I can’t even smile?
Now at least not on the inside
How can my brain spell so well but my body can’t make […]
Category:
Rants
If it’s a surprise I’m gay… wow right? Sometimes I think I can find love but I know I’m never gonna get it, my mind plays tricks on me saying “He likes you” but then just have my heart ripped out and broken into pieces. Turned into dust, having dreams where I’m happy and everything is right but it can’t be like that can it? So why do I care he’ll never like a disgusting broken boy, yet I still want to try. Whenever he wanted to ask me to go somewhere with him, see him at the park, or even when he acted like a […]
After living with myself for years upon years, I figured out how much I can handle. I surpassed that limit long ago.
I started to succumb to the agonizing effects of depression and suicidal thoughts. I don’t try to fight it when it pushes itself into my mind, infiltrating my thoughts. It makes me lash out. I have become less than a person. I ruined a friendship with someone I have known for more than seven years. I fell out of touch with everyone else. But that’s good, right? I don’t have to worry as much when I pass on. Not that I will anyways. Worry. […]
Mental illness sucks. You can have everything you’ve ever wanted and still be so unsatisfied. I would never wish depression or anything else on my greatest enemy. It really fucks you up when you can never be truly happy with anything in your life.
I never thought I would be where I am now. On medications to stabilize my mood, in therapy, and not wanting to experience life. I’m in a relationship I’ve always wanted, and yet so unsatisfied because I consantly worry about him leaving me suddenly even though he does nothing to make me think that way. I thought with the help I’d be doing better but I hardly leave my bed and its so hard for me to do anything. Most days I’ve considered myself to just be giving up in school considering I can’t focus long enough to get anything done ever. I’m almost a […]
I’m eyeing this blade that I pulled out of a pencil sharpener…. It sucks, I hate it and it sucks, it just doesn’t do enough for me. I tossed pretty much everything else I have into the trash a long time ago and never really bought anything back, my xacto blade broke so badly and is so dull that it can’t even do anything anymore, it’s just a dull piece of metal so all I have is this little blade from a pencil sharpener, hey at least my xacto served me one last time by unscrewing the scree on that pencil sharpener that the screwdriver […]
all i do now is bs my homework for grueling AP classes i barely care about or fall behind and get chewed out by my parents who i hate to disappoint, but i’m a disappointment anyway i guess lmao what else is new right
my family and friends might love me but i’m starting not to care anymore because i just hate myself so much and become so jealous of their flourishing lives that i’m pretty sure if i were to show how i really feel to other people i’d truly be the burden i believe myself to be deep down
i’m just surviving day by day […]
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
by niki
written by niki
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in […]
Anxiety is fucking awful, you probably all know that. It’s constantly consuming me and forcing me to stress over every tiny thing, but I’m not motivated enough to actually act on any of these fears. “Worrying about work due in the next day that you haven’t done yet? Never mind, it’ll only make you more miserable.” I can’t go on like this- it’s killing me.
Every second, every minute, every day, my guts twist and ache inside me, even when there isn’t anything wrong. There’s an endless, nagging terror of:
“If things seem to be going well, then something’s got to go wrong soon.”
And so I wait, […]
I’ve never posted here before, or ever really posted anything about my feelings publicly before. I never learned to properly express my emotions, either. I think that has led to me having a lot of things bottled up inside me. My childhood wasn’t great, so I have a lot of feelings built up about that. I ended up having to act like an adult before I got the chance to really have a childhood. I think that’s really taken a toll on me. I may end up posting here more. It can never hurt to try another way of coping.
Hey everyone.
I just want to start off by saying how glad I am this website exists. I’ve only been here for a couple of days, but reading through the comments some of you have left on other people’s posts, you all seem pretty decent.
Which is why I am posting this here. Because I hate bottling this up, and you all know what it’s like. So…
I’ve always had suicidal thoughts floating around in my head going way back to when I was about 16.They were never more than idle ideas, never more than me just wondering about it. I was never seriously depressed or anything. These […]
I had some training to help people dealing with suicidal thoughts. Which is ironic considering I’m here right now, about to tell you more about how I never feel enough and how I’m just angry and sad and frustrated and I just want something or someone or anything anything really to help me but I don’t need help because I SHOULD BE FINE. I should be. I must have some mental illness or something because other people only seem to need parents and friends to free them from their dark tunnels. How it is that mine hasn’t ended yet? How is it that I haven’t […]
My life is going fine, but my mental state is deteriorating.
I feel myself getting more and more paranoid. I keep getting weirder and more horrific intrusive thoughts. Some of them I can’t even say. Some of them are ones that make me do odd things, like, “If you don’t wash your hands for exactly 20 seconds you will kill everyone in the world.”
My depression and anxiety are getting worse. I’m relapsing constantly in self harm. I want to cut deeper but I always end up pussying out of it, out of fear of receiving more pain than I want to give myself.
I feel like I’m […]
my girlfriend broke up with me.
she says she is scared to hurt me.
afraid I will get too close
but she said she couldn’t be in a relationship right now
her parents are making her pay for rent.
she is 16
I am hurting for her
I can see her childhood going
she is getting a second job to pay rent to her family
they are not poor
she is assembling documents and researching emancipation
I cant do anything
I can see her falling apart
she is seeing this guy.
they have a
thing
It’s been a while since I’ve last been on here. As a matter of fact, it has been a while since I’ve confronted myself about what is going on around me. For the most part, I blame it on school. I have loads of work to do and having to balance it while also dealing with my parent’s bullshit takes up all my time. I guess part of the reason I have not been putting anything on here is also because I fear someone finding out that this account belongs to me. Anyways, things have been all over the place. I have relapsed twice last […]
Why can’t this pain stop ? Why do have to always go through drama,fake ppl and bullshit.I fuckin hate this world and would have died if not for my family.Everything was fine until 17yrs of age.From the time I started higher studies,life started goin downhill.
Sometimes Wish I’ve never been born at all.Fuck this place im livin in right nw.There is little hope once I finish uni,but its so hard to go thru it all.I still hav abt 3yrs left.I feel like I dont belong here,the ppl ovr here suck and are bullies.Fkin hate the hell im livin in rn
If there’s someone calld God, I […]
I was looking for a way to take my own life when I first came across this site and this project. In reading the stories here and knowing that I was not the only one who was suffering, I found some measure of solace. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that I, too, should share the story of how I ended up here. However, because I am not at all a good writer (as a non-native user, writing in English actually makes me anxious), I find writing down my life story a difficult and agonizing task. Day after day, I opened […]
I have never seriously talked to anyone about my depression before and I’ve always kept this part of me a secret due to the mental health stigma in my family.
Both of my parents see stuff like “depression” or “anxiety” as weaknesses rather than an actual mental illness.
Because of this, I felt as if it’s shameful to feel this particular way. My parents also looked down upon me whenever I’d cry, especially as a young child.
Rather than comforting me, they always got upset for seeing me be sad or stressed. Just a week ago, my dad yelled at me for being frustrated over filling […]
They asked me.
“Why do you cut yourself?”
They asked me.
“Why are there scars in your body?”
They asked me.
“Are you crazy?”
They told me.
“Attention seeker at its finest.”
And i sighed. Breathed heavily and walked away.
Whats the good in telling them what my demons tell me what to do, it’s better to keep my insanity to myself.
Because it’s better keeping everything inside rather than telling the world who doesn’t know how to listen.
I’ve never believed this before.
So naive of me.
Naive enough to settle around with the idea that people are to be trusted and to be humbled the fact that they will always keep you sane.
Never believed in such saying until friends turn to enemies and laugh turns to frowns and until then when my heart has been shuttered by the awful truth that friends can be a sharp tool towards the breaking of your own sound mind.
And so when i felt my world crushing down, I came to the standing ground of believing that the only one you can trust is yourself.