Category:

Stories of Loss

For those who have passed on.

i miss you, i hate you

by system 6/25/2021

written by system

OH, MY DEAREST ******,

i hate you beyond comprehension. i miss you so much. why do i miss you??? why why why why why, ******?? do you know why??

ever since the abuse i have felt that there is something intrinsically wrong with me.

****** your hands are so cold!!!! pl e ase let go i can’t breathe

****** DID YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU DESPITE IT ALL

DESPITE THE THINGS YOU FORCED ME TO DO???

DID YOU KNOW THAT, ******????

I’M SO SORRY IMSORRYIMSORRYIMSORRY IMSORRY, ******

DESPITE IT ALL I LO VE YOU SO MUC H

6/25/2021 5 comments

Afterlife

by SamLight 6/21/2021

written by SamLight

What happens after we die ? I wonder. Am I gonna find myself in a beautiful village with habitants full of love attention who would care for me when I’m sick, be happy for me when I succeed, accompany me in the worst times. We would laugh together about silly jokes, eat every meal together, play outside and take care of Farm animals. The view from our house would be breathtaking and everyone would get along. But most importantly, I would have forgotten everything,, every little bit of abuse, self hatred and abomination from this current life. I really hope this heaven awaits me for […]

6/21/2021 2 comments

…

by meltyhands 6/20/2021

written by meltyhands

I honest to god don’t know how much longer I can take it anymore. Life from my birth to 16 has been awful: watching my mom almost die, groomed and attempted molestation from my brother, watching my mother try to kill herself daily by overdosing, my dad choosing women over me, school abuse, the list goes on. I can’t go into detail without writing a novel’s worth. When 2020 came….that January I finally looked into my mother’s death after five, going on six years. And it solidified something I wanted to do in life: be an autopsist. I studied my heart out into anatomy and […]

6/20/2021 2 comments

I Died Inside

by ravenna121 6/15/2021

written by ravenna121

I woke up today feeling absolutely dreadful. Getting up was so difficult to do; I was struggling in bed just wanting to sleep or, better yet, to die. I knew that I was going to be late to Homeroom but I didn’t care. It took me around ten minutes just to get my laptop from the drawer of the nightstand next to my bed.

It’s so beautiful outside, but it feels wrong. The stunning appearance of experience is a deceitful facade that conceals its horrors. I’m looking out the window right now and thinking, “How is it that the world has so many beautiful things in […]

6/15/2021 1 comment

twenty

by system 6/12/2021

written by system

why.

6/12/2021 1 comment

eighteen – nine

by system 6/12/2021

written by system

im nearly eighteen. i have less than a month

how. how and why?

why do i have to become an adult when i didn’t get to be a child?

i want those 9 years back. give them back.

give it back. i want my innocence back. why did they steal it?

why did they take so much from me?

i don’t want this. i don’t.

where did the time go

where

6/12/2021 3 comments

******!!!???

by system 6/11/2021

written by system

******!!!! ******, ******, ******!!! it’s summer once again, ******!!!!

do you remember last august, ******???? last september??? nOVembEr????? hoOW ABOUT OCTOBER, ******???

DO YOU REMEMBER, ******?

DO YOU???

DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID LAST AUGUST???? LAST SEPTEMBER??? NOVEMBER? HOW ABOUT OCTOBER, ******????

ARE YOU GOING TO FIND ME AGAIN, ****** ??

ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME BLEED AGAIN???? ARE YOU?

ARE YOU GOING TO TRAP ME AGAIN?? CUT ME OPEN?? ARE YOU GOING TO, ******???

YOUR HANdS Are SO CoLD, ******.

iLOVEYOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

6/11/2021 2 comments

Back In 2013

by madetofade2 6/11/2021

written by madetofade2

I used to come to this site a lot as a 13 year old. My username was MadeToFade.
Im Jamie. I’ll be 24 in late July of 2021. Before suicideproject was a .org, I came to type out my feelings. I expressed my frustrations and sadness, but I also conversated with a male 22 years older than myself on that website, underneath the old username Ive given above.
Due to observation by members of the site, it was pointed out that “Nolen” was in fact an adult, and “MadeToFade” was in fact a minor.
I am thankful that someone noticed and felt alarmed enough to […]

6/11/2021 3 comments

disgusting

by system 6/7/2021

written by system

i am ruined. i am disgusting. i am used. i am repulsive. i am unclean. i am filthy. i am tainted.

disgusting.

6/7/2021 16 comments

filth

by system 6/6/2021

written by system

the memory of what you did to me makes me feel disgusting
you ruined me
im filthy
i will never be clean

6/6/2021 2 comments

Things are Getting Awful

by ravenna121 6/2/2021

written by ravenna121

I’m so sick and tired of living this nightmare that is my life. I have been deprived of all happiness and feel nothing but pain. Life is a terror and bad things keep happening to me. I don’t feel safe at all. I’m not even me anymore. My mind is deteriorating and I have trouble thinking straight at times. I feel extreme, unbearable anxiety that makes me feel like I’m dying. I loathe myself and wish I never existed. I wish I had been fucking aborted at least, goddamnit. Things will never get better. There’s no way out at this point; it’s too late to […]

6/2/2021 3 comments

Break up

by Unsheard 5/31/2021

written by Unsheard

My girlfriend, well ex girlfriend, broke up with me about a week ago. I’ve had relationships in the past where i have been broken up with and i thought i loved those people but this one hurts so much more. Her reason was because she felt like she lost her self worth, not because of me and she said that i deserve the world but she needs to focus on herself. My last 3 ex’s broke up with me for pretty much the same reason. They all said that i was great and it’s not my fault but all i can keep thinking is what […]

5/31/2021 3 comments

Each and Every Passing Day: A Deeper Look at Life

by SadG 5/30/2021

written by SadG

Each and every passing day I get closer and closer to being able to fully commit to killing myself and throughout my life its caused me to take a deeper look at life including my own as a whole.

Life is rife with issues and has begun to feel like its not even worth living for, even with all that I have in this life. Family, friends, acquaintances, and activities are the only things that really keep me in this life living through it all. But even now I find myself giving into these horrid thoughts, even with the kind of blessings I have had. I […]

5/30/2021 5 comments

Nothing to Live For

by ravenna121 5/29/2021

written by ravenna121

I hate being alive. I’d kill myself, but my parents would freak out and my siblings/friends would be sad. So I literally only live because other people expect me to…

This lack of meaning in my life has led me to focus excessively on the superficial things such as how I look, what I have, and what other people think of me. The raging philosopher in me condemns this, but I can’t help it.

Whenever something goes wrong or I experience a setback in my life now, I get so upset, as if every good thing in my life has gone. I guess the feeling is kind […]

5/29/2021 4 comments

Nothingness

by LoneSoul 5/25/2021

written by LoneSoul

emptiness feelings. I try to do things to keep me looking stable live. But when I get caught up in my Imagination/daydream like state. The Thoughts becomes a scenes like from movie’s trying to find place for the roles. I lose my role as a director and end up finding Myself as a viewer to my own life. I watch everything go by. I’m used to this. I’ve seen these same events. I know where it leads to. But don’t know why I let it happen. I’ve really stop caring a long time ago about my well being. When I do something that hurt’s myself […]

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5/25/2021 1 comment

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The way I live

by SamLight 5/23/2021

written by SamLight

It is very difficult to express the way I feel on a daily basis. Today, I was supposed to study for my finals but i didn’t. Thoughts kept running through my mind, and I imagined a whole conversation with a psychiatrist and kept talking to him for 3 hours. It felt like I was in a bubble, it felt so real. I’ve always been like this, since I do not have close friends, there’s no one to share my thoughts with, so I imagine people in my mind. Oh lord loneliness has become my home. I feel very awkward when engaging in a real conversation […]

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5/23/2021 2 comments

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My own imagination….

by LoneSoul 5/23/2021

written by LoneSoul

Live in the present moment, no time no space just yourself and your surroundings. Breathing in the same air the same environment. Not knowing the known. Erasing the the way of living that was taught since birth.

“imagine what would it feel like to be In peace?” Freedom, gratitude? What are those really like? How come these thoughts Always Intrigues my mind… Is it because I’m so used to the pain suffering that I’ve caused myself.

Easily influenced by the outside world. But hard headed when it comes to Helping myself. Thinking about not deserving to have that kind of life which I desire.. sad truth. I […]

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5/23/2021 2 comments

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I just don’t know what to do anymore.

by Itsgonnabeokay 5/9/2021

written by Itsgonnabeokay

I hate even talking about it because I am scared I will convince others to feel the same as me. My thinking is wrong I guess so don’t follow me. I am 27 now I’ll be 28 soon. I grew up being hopeful so hopeful and happy like I had the world I could go anywhere I had the feeling like things will go up and I still have things to do.

I was listening to music from 2011 not even sad music and I just started sobbing. I remembered how happy I was I really think I was so happy then. But each year after […]

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5/9/2021 5 comments

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the feeling of being watched

by system 5/3/2021

written by system

what if he finds me? what if he hunts me down again? what if he’s still watching me?

i can’t shake the feeling. i haven’t been able to ever since the abuse started.

i can still feel it. on the back of my neck. i never feel safe. he continues to have a suffocating grip on me even after i mustered up the courage to get as far away from him as possible. listen to the fbi. lock everything down. deactivate all my social media accounts, lock my phone number, get my school e-mail changed.

but he’s still here. he’s left an impression of himself, it’s seared into […]

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5/3/2021 9 comments

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foreign feelings

by system 4/30/2021

written by system

i have a friend overseas who i’ve known for around 4 years now.

he’s really important to me. but i’m scared.

i’m scared because he hasn’t betrayed me.

i’m scared because he hasn’t gotten rid of me.

i’m scared because he hasn’t dropped me.

i’m scared because he insists that he cares about me.

i’m terrified of all of it, it’s so foreign to me. to have someone who doesn’t want to break me down until i’m nothing.

whenever he says he cares about me

the only thing i can think of is “i don’t believe you.”

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4/30/2021 1 comment

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