I want to sink into this bed and fade away from existence. It’s a comfortable thought. I’m weak and tired, and in the long run I truly think it would be better. Soon I will have to really become an adult and prepare for the future. It terrifies me. College sounds scary. Work. Just life in general. I feel like I already failed because I’m not on the same level as everyone else in my class yet.

I’m so tired. I already feel like dying. Hope is snuffed out every minute. It’s hopeless. I’m worthless. I wish I was something my parents could be proud of, […]

I haven’t met enough good people in my life. I wish that I could leave this place and find one with better people and conditions to live. Or even to live alone in a remote place. But I am afraid. Or excited. But where is that place? How should I proceed? I don’t even know where to go. What if I end up in a worse or similar place? I tried in the past a couple times and I haven’t succeeded.

There’s always something new.
What more can I say?
There’s just always something new.
And it’s never a good thing

Well really, I do want to say more than that, but I thought it sounded pretty neat. Speaking of the word neat, I always thought that it would rhyme with caveat. But those two words dont rhyme. 
I’ve been kind of, “productive” these past few days. If you can call it that. Well, yeah, I guess it’s the right word, the problem is that everyone says it’s not good enough. They just go “Hey man, you seem fucking miserable and you need to eat more. Just […]

Been weirdly feeling happier about realizing that I’m slowly building up the courage to finally do it….

I’m still not sure that I ever will but today I felt just a bit closer to that point and somehow that makes me feel happier for some reason… maybe its just the sense of having a goal

i died 5 years ago. i’d say i’m a survivor of abuse but every time i’m in a similar situation or talking about something that reminds me of what happened i can’t breathe and i fall apart all over again every time. i’m not a survivor. i’m nothing. he took something so special away from me and i’ll never get it back. i’ll never be able to experience it in a nice way without being suffocated by flashbacks of him

There is nothing left inside me. I had a small hope in this world, it is gone. I’m exhausted, don’t want to talk. I lost feeling. I feel nothing only despair. I’m not disgust how things can go, and how I face this evil world. I’m not surprised. I always expected the worse. I saw a lot and had to deal with the worst humans. I have been under the wheels. At the bottom of the hole. I can’t fall deeper. It’s over. No one understand. Like a cockroach, I have been smashed like there was no one inside. I lost purpose to live. It […]

I can’t believe such a horrible person as me could be allowed to live. I’m awful. I ruin everything I touch. I hurt everyone I love. I don’t deserve to live. I’m a toxic asshole who doesn’t deserve to be forgiven or loved or anything. I always had a vague idea of how horrible I am, but this just hit me so hard. I don’t deserve friends. I don’t deserve love. I definitely don’t deserve forgiveness. I hate this I just want to die. I deserve to die. I’m the problem. I’m always the problem

What once was by Her’s is a song i always find myself going back to. When I lost my brother roughly a month after losing my dad I didn’t know how to rightfully process the grief I was experiencing.

I remember just being in my bathroom and putting on a random playlist (because am I really showering if I don’t blast music) and this song came on, I can’t explain exactly what it was that I felt but it was everything I needed in that moment. I cried (i had cried previously) but it wasn’t the same, it was different, it felt different. I don’t know if […]

My problem is that i hear too much voices and too much noises in my mind , i have hallucination and i derealize very often but that’s ok

I was raised that men do not express feelings aside from anger. We certainly don’t cry, we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps suck it up and move on. When I was molested on a daily basis for years as a young boy, my other(non assailant) sister tried to protect me. What did dear old dad do? Dismiss the accusation as absurd. What did Mom do? Dismiss the idea as absurd because that’s what dear old Dad said to do.

Torment is reliving those days, which is constant. Torment is not being worth appropriately dealing with the sexual assault when it was proven. Torment […]

I feel like I’m a God in human form that has no powers.

It’s crazy to think after what 6/7 years, that I would, not only be back here but be experiencing every feelings I ought to have stopped feeling a long time ago.

Truthfully I don’t think I ever got out of the state I was in back in 2015. It wasn’t all bad tho, from time to time I did have “episodes” were i felt down but I’ve never felt this sunken since 2015. I won’t say I didn’t have good moments, i did, even amazing and perfect onces (which I continue to have) but I just can’t get out of my head.

Back in 2020 […]

Do you ever dissociate on your couch at night and casually talk about suicide with your friends, though usually you keep it to yourself.?

Welp, I didn’t just spend a whole hour, writing a whole monologue on the matter of the meaning of life, nooo, I did not… This is going to be awkward tomorrow, I can tell. Not sure, if 50 deleted messages are worse though, seeing as I do that a lot, when I am hurt about something or think: Eh, it’s irrelevant (in a few hours) anyway (’cause my mood is like a pendulum of shit).

I think I’ll leave it. I don’t want […]

Taking some time for self, IE trying to make peace with unemployment is putting a few uncomfortable truths in front of me. The big one is there is a reason I’ve held onto unhealthy career relationships, having work to do soothes me in a way I haven’t found any replacement for. Maybe it’s self fulfilling prophesy, but when I work hard all day I don’t feel guilty if I get less than everything done…

yet I struggle to self start. If someone external doesn’t give me a deadline, then it is unlikely the work will be done. Which is a source of quite a bit of […]

i have all symptoms , it’s not new .

what should i do?

Hi, not sure if anyone will remember me but I used to post here pretty often. Things are going pretty okay-ish for me, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because I want to apologize for a post I made months and months ago, where I was quite disrespectful and irrationally accusatory towards people who tried to help others by encouraging positivity.  Something along those lines, I’m pretty sure (the post has long since been deleted by me). Looking back now, I think my post was toxic and could have hurt someone. I’m very sorry, I didn’t know any better. Most people on here […]

Hey SP, it’s me again. I have been on and off this website for the worst part of 6 years. I’ve tried everything, medication, therapy, mindfulness, everything. But yet, I always end back in the same place. I’ve exhausted my options. The doctors don’t know what to do with me. Fuck, I don’t even know what to do with me. I’ve been working on the same degree for what feels like forever. But between the suicide attempts and my highs and lows, it makes school tough. It makes holding down a job tough. I have an endless amount of support from my family and friends, […]

lmao for all of us “struggling with misotheism”

I didn’t suffer through a cult just to find this shit here, though.  Jesus Christ.  I’m back in college after taking a couple years off following the loss of my entire family to the cult I grew up in (praise the Lord!), and I’ve got a person in one of my classes who keeps making all of her comments about God and it’s really fucking with my head.  18 years of Sundays wasted and all I got was this stupid mental illness that convinces me that God had one of my closest friends assault and try to rape […]

I guess I should say things are sort of better now, in some ways. I heard from my partner again, so much has happened with them, I’m just so glad he’s okay, that he’s alive. I feel really guilty for a few things, but he ofc said it wasn’t my fault. They talk to me every day, check on me, tell me they love me, and they think I’m a good person. I haven’t heard anything of the sort for so long. Close to 2 years, I guess. I feel more okay with living now. I don’t think I’m worth it still, but I guess […]

Hello there, friends. I just ran across this website tonight. At first I was shocked because it seemed to be promoting suicide, but then I read the rules and realized that wasn’t the case. However, I didn’t worry any less about the people on this site. I don’t know any of you but I’m guessing I know the feelings you’re feeling. Please take a look at what I have to say.

Disclaimers

I’m going to make a few disclaimers before I start. First of all, if I accidentally say something that offends you, I apologize and recognize that your viewpoint exists. However, I don’t apologize for speaking […]