Earlier today I was looking in the mirror, looking at my eyes which have become more hollow and empty these days. Looking, it was obvious why;

I dedicated my life towards trying to make my fellow humans more empathetic, more kind, and came up short on resources. The millions of people who worked on this same thing, they are giving up. The forces of cruelty and division are persistent, and the defense has surrendered.

I don’t think we can call ourselves “human” anymore, because we are not humane.

Us, the ones so pained by the loss? We’re the canaries in the coal mine. The air has gone bad, […]

Utterly ungrateful: that’s me in principle, I should be content, but I’m not.
The medication I take barely even compensates the sheer lack of physical strength the human body has, but anabolic steroids is the best I can do. As for the mind, well, that’s perhaps a lost cause.

I’ve banged on and on about how humans lost most all physical potency to metabolically compensate a bigger brain. And I’ve whislted Dixie as to how our Slaveconomy disproves any benefit of said brain.
Imprisoned with a lack of toolage, mentally and physically, the system uses this to force my compliance.

I […]

I want us to work but I can’t see it…

Everything about me is problem causing. Every second you have to be watching out for me. I thought maybe I’d do some reading on being in a relationship with someone like me but…. Everything I read, even helpful information, makes me feel worse. Borderline sucks, they might as well just call it the “get it over with” disorder.

The highest rates of hospitalization, self harm and suicide. A stigma so bad the world hates us. Constant physical emotional pain.

The amount of work I’d be can’t be worth it. At any second I can crash. Becoming […]

Everyday I wake up the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “wish I was dead” and every night right before sleeping I say “best part of the day”… I am not a very happy person (obviously). However despite this I have something to look forward to to which I want to share my experience with the rest of you. And that’s taking mdma along with some magic mushrooms and let me tell you now that after spending 8+ years fantasizing about blowing my fucking brains out with a pistol what being on mdma is like. So the first time I did it […]

I want to cut i want to cut so badly right now i swear i was doing better i really was but now i just really really really need to  —- okay. I mean, honestly why shouldnt I? Who is to say it is a bad thing? Sure, its self-destructive, but the only thing I’m damaging is myself right, so why would anyone else care about this? Its my issue. Mine. Should I not do it, just to comply with some idea of health propagated by a society that cares more about functioning than well-being anyways?

I will be good to you

How to Commit Suicide the Right Way

How to Write a Great Suicide Note

I always want to help people. But despite this, I can’t even help myself. I always try to be a good son. I’m the good one. The happy one. The prodigy. I’m supposed to be smart but I do dumb things. I try to do good at school but I these voices screwed me up. I have no one. I always am good for my parents. My dad is always stressed from work. My mom has bad bipolar and depression. She also has anxiety. I try to help my dad whenever I can. I always obey them. They are kind, but the voices in my […]

I don’t recall how I came across this, now I have to pass it on like those haunted VHS tape movies.

Seriously I wish I hadn’t listened to this last night trying to sleep. It induced a sickening feeling that in a few years, probably a decade, my parents might begin their old age decline and all their hopes and feelings they put in me will wither away with them. And even if I’d have succeeded in not killing myself before their time, I’d still have failed them and left them at the banks of styx unfulfilled and even wronged. Unable to sleep rn, thinking […]

I been sick for over 6 months now. Since I got the covid vaccine I started having tachycardia. I believe that there is mold inside my house and some how the covid vaccine lower my immune system. I feel like there is mold growing inside my body. I had to quit benzos and antidepressants because they stopped working for me.  I cannot take this anymore. I have electric sensations inside my heart, fast heart rate, unable to sleep, weak heartbeat, body tremors. I been thinking of taking my life. I haven’t slept in 6 months. The pain and symptoms are too much. I either ride […]

Going through the motions as usual. I wish that I didn’t exist. I’ve been pretty much done with life for a while but I’m still here and still need to exist and still pretend that I enjoy life to some degree and…
That’s the gist

I have been on this website for a while now but i never dared to post because i was too scared but today im feeling a bit confident so i will just go for it. I am a 17 years old female. I have been diagnosed with depression since i was 14 and have been on meds since then. I have theraphy every monday and i go there. But nothing has really changed it just gets worse and worse. I was 16 and in 11th grade when i dropped out of highschool i just could’nt do it anymore. I always had huge dreams that i […]

I want to cut. I know I shouldnt. I know I probably should have talked to you earlier but I didn’t want to. I hate talking about this stuff. I hate that everything about me is a thing. I hate that its always going to be. I want to die. I want to give up. I hate it. I hate all of this. It feels pointless. But I push it aside hoping for something better with you. Just maybe a chance my life isn’t complete hell. I know part of that means getting new, healthier coping mechanisms. I’m hopeful spending time with you will be […]

I don’t want to say “I realized”, because that implies that I’m right about it. I don’t know that I am, so I say “I suspect”, and that seems too little. The idea came to me out of the blue, this morning at about 4 AM. First that I’ve gotten really good at talking my subconscious mind into dealing with things that I don’t want to. Take enough pills to sleep, subconscious kicks in and goes to work. It’s a very delicate balance, because if I tick it off I get nightmares, or in the case of this morning waking up into a panic.

The other […]

Today i had a fun day and to eat we had a vegetable soup and i said i didnt like it and my mom and step dad are coming at me like “its because your used to fat foods and chocolate all the time” “does your dad pay you to eat” just because i didnt want anymore today im going to start starving myself because if thats my problem im going to fix it. Im tired of this constant yelling i get it every day every other week. I want to leave already. This has been going on for 4 years since i was 8. […]

I just want to say that depression is forever, been dealing with it for 4 years now….. but I won’t give up!

It was a Monday, there always rough so I decided it was the best time. I researched the most painless ways but I didn’t have any options other than a knife. I tried multiple times before but I didn’t have the courage, but I knew this time it was it. I secretly grabbed a knife and sliced my stomach, I realized that I should have done it on my heart afterwards and fell to the floor. It was so painful and I saw my family members all crying while I was lying down. Honestly, its not worth it unless you have no family because your […]

I’ve never imagined my life would be this empty. For years now, my life became some kind of loop of the same failures. Every time I started something new, to improve my life and started hoping again, I ended up here, and wanted to end it all, still I tried again, but I don’t think I can do that now, I’m way too tired of feeling like this all the time, to know I would just fail again, and seeing how people around me either hostile towards me or feel sorry for me.
Now I have a method and a date to finally end it, […]

All I wanted was to write this book. I want to help others, but the more I chase it, the more things get in the way or put me down. I share pieces of it for feedback, only to have incoherent disgust thrown at me. I can’t work a job long before I have to quit because I don’t have the energy to work in two places at once. I disappoint my family every second I do this stupid shit, and now all I’m left with is this passion that is slowly dimming out with the impossible odds. I know that without fulfilling that, I’m […]

I am waiting for you.

I’ll always be waiting for you.

Even if it takes years.

Even after I die,

I’ll be waiting underground.

And if there is an after life,  I’ll be waiting you there.

My relationship broke down Halloween 2021. It has been a couple of months now and my state of mind has plummeted. We occasionally write to one another and I am trying to get her back. I know she will be in a park in Manchester end of this month. I am going to confront her and propose to her. Otherwise, I am off to Mexico to spend three months spending all the money I have or I might visit Canada one last time. I was once married to a Canadian woman. Maybe I should find another? In Mexico, I am going to get some medication […]