My body is getting better at saying no, and I’m getting worse at talking it out of it. Yesterday at work I had a two hour long anxiety episode. It was just rolling panic attacks, and I masked my way through it, I thought I was going to get away with it and bounce back….

but things got worse when I got home. I was too tired to do anything, and my struggle for self care made it so I couldn’t calm down and sleep. Finally at almost midnight I wrote my resignation, turned off my alarm, and decided that there wasn’t any way to keep […]

It’s been 13 years since I was betrayed. Still not over it. Never will be. My best friend died a few weeks ago. I wish it had been me instead. I hate life.

I’ve completely broken down this time. It’s like no matter how hard I try, it ends in failure and more agony. I thought this damn time, I could finally recover my health…hah, what a joke! At the same time, what did I expect? I feel dead inside, don’t give a shit about my future, not to mention my health is like this because of being self destructive from wanting to die.

I have no one except for my family, the very one that plays a big part in why I struggled so hard to not hate myself. I feel a little bad about writing […]

I wrote about this a couple of months ago and I did not see myself being able to make it through the holiday season, well the holidays are here and so am I.   I wish I were not.   What is stopping me from making this transition.   Surely not the notion that things will get better.   Nothing has gotten better since then and most things have actually gotten worse

Earlier in the year I shared how my depression took a major downturn when my wife informed me that she was leaving me.   I did not act hastily and do something stupid then, that to me is just […]

Damn, I wish so much that the things that happened didn’t, because you are like the only person I could EVER trust in so many aspects, and for sure because you are the only person I haven’t ever felt afraid to handle my laptop to. Because I knew you were good at this. Fuck, yes, I am desperate and I know you won’t help me, but I need this laptop, ok? I need to deliver it to the service in the morning and I already feel the crippling fear that they will fuck it up even more. Like the last time, you remember? Why the […]

I’ve made no progress over the years I’ve been on here. The link between pain and what’s the right thing to do has driven me mad. Basically working causes me terrible terrible pain but not working forces other people to do it for me like slaves and it’s just awful. It’s one of those catch 22s. There is no way out. And it’s not logically possible there ever will be. It feels like I’m in some hostage situation but the bad guy is also me.

Unavoidably, being responsible for stuff comes back, and a near enthusiastic engagement with my experiences.

I’m so over it though. Maybe that means doing these things “ironically”, all the while in the back of my mind, my bags are packed, fuck this place, fuck these people, and none of this will ever really matter.

My only true love is the void, dancing with it fascinates me. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like it is worth going on.

Today someone said to me “fuck death” and I thought about the game fuck marry kill, and I’d marry death, there are way sexier things out there, but […]

living alone

what can I do to stay alive?

at this point all I do is survive

for what?

for who?

family?

yeah, well OK they get a pass, they’re pretty cool

then why are you the one actin a fool? are you jaded?

no, not really

abused?

nope

are you financially burdened?

nah… doing OK

then what the fuck is wrong with you?

are you blessed?

relatively… yeah

do you feel privileged?

absolutely

are you loved?

yeah, I am

then where is the problem, asshole?

there’s one answer I don’t have

well you ain’t good for shit then, are you?

totally useless

what […]

Every now and then, when I’m feeling especially low, I find myself wondering: “Why aren’t I going back to it?” To the worst things I’ve done. It’s what I used to do when I felt like this. A huge part of me wants to, and to do much worse. It’s been nearly 5 years now since I last sunk so low.

I think it’s mainly for selfish reasons. It’s finally clicked in my head that it won’t make me happy. Sure, it’ll feel amazing in the moment. But then I’ll have to deal with the guilt again. The guilt never goes away. But it will be […]

Most of the time, the only option left for us is to die. It’s not like we deliberately want to die, maybe some of us do, but it is just the only viable option the world gave us.

I did try to fight. I really did. I didn’t try to fight because I wanted to live. I tried to fight because other people wanted me to – people that actually do love me. But it seems like the world is going against me. It feels like the world is a better place if I am not here anymore. Fight you say? What’s the point if it […]

i don’t see how i can continue to ‘hold on’. most people have something that might distract them or keep them happy. all i have is alcohol but all it’s doing is drowning me. if i don’t drink i can barely function but if i keep drinking i’m scared it’ll trap me in a dangerous cycle and never let me out. maybe it already has

New Years I decided to do something different. Right now I’m back in my college town instead of back home because I needed to work on a school project before the semester started. So I’m by myself in my one bed room apartment. Instead of just drinking by myself as I would, I went out to a bar. Since it’s a college town, there’s a district in town that is essentially 15+ bars lumped together. I went, ordered a burger and a cocktail and left. I didn’t even stay until midnight. I reasoned that I could just feel […]

I never know what to say. I’m so bad at talking about myself and my problems. I’d rather distract myself with someone else’s. Maybe that’s why I’m here, I don’t know. I know I’m sad. I’ve been sad. It’s getting harder and harder to hide.

I’d rather lay here, alone, crying, drowning in music…

Just send a message….

But I can’t bring myself to do it

I attempted once when I was 21. This was before google. I was naive to how to go about it. I thought if I just took a bunch of pills then I would die. I took the whole box of pills and  got in the bath. I floated for a bit then I called out to whatever was out there to come take me. I wrote a quick note to noone in particular, and closed my eyes. I woke up hours later, and it was like I had an unbelievable will to live. I got myself to the hospital where they treated me like shit, […]

I was doing good throughout the pandemic. I had been taking Benzos for over 9 years. I had decided to come off Benzos and start life all over again, because Benzos were now damaging me. In February of 2021, I went to my psychiatrist to get me off these drugs. Instead she put me on another drug that turned out to be more evil called Effexor. I was able to come off Benzos on my own and the psychiatrist cut my benzos refills off. I stopped sleeping and functioning. I then started taking Effexor and after two months of no sleep, I started sleeping again. […]

Early hours in the morning really are quite nice. It’s been a long while since i was last awake this early all by myself, i should do it more often. There’s a certain… feeling of belonging at this time. And it just feels kinda right.
I didn’t sleep very well, it was actually kinda strange. I was dreaming, but my eyes were burning because i felt awake. Kept fully waking up and trying to go back to sleep quite a few times, so about an hour ago i just gave up.
It’s true what they say, that the sky’s darkest moment is right before the […]

What did I do wrong?

Why are you angry with me?

Am I a burden?

Am I a problem?

If so, I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to make you suffer

I Know that I am a problemi, and I am sorry.

I really want to help you.

But I don’t know how.

I’m sorry, really really sorry..

Hey everyone, I just wanted to share my story here. Currently I am nearly 30 years old (dutch male) and a long time reader of this site. Since the age of 20 I have had a problem with my gums. They get infected regularly despite everything I do to prevent just that. I brush twice a day with an electric toothbrush, I floss and rinse afterwards with antibacterial mouthwash once a day. Besides that I visit the dental hygienist 3-4 times a year for a thorough clean. I eat, exercise and live healthy. Despite all that my gums are bleeding all the time and just […]