The first time I attempted suicide, I was only 4 years old. I grew up with abuse and that (along with genetics) led to a long list of crippling mental illnesses, including two personality disorders. After a decade of trying treatment after treatment, I’ve only been able to find help for my OCD. Suicidal ideation has been a constant throughout my near 24 years. I’ve attempted more times than I’ve managed to keep track of, and have been involuntarily committed over and over again.
All that is bad enough, but early 2020, I got sick. It’s been progressive, and after seeing all sorts of […]

what’s the point?  it’s like a ball and chain is tied to my chest and it’s trying to drag me into an early grave. i got diagnosed with complex ptsd and all my trauma hit me like a ton of bricks. i drowned out what she was saying but one bit has been replaying in my mind, “it’ll take at least two years to get through it…” is that true? i pushed everything he did so far into the back of my mind and it got ripped out and put on a silver platter right in front of my face. two years. at least. two […]

I don’t care about companionship anymore. Many people would ask; “what’s life worth living without a companion?”. I made up in my mind a long time ago that I’m no longer living for me. I don’t care if I have to be alone all my life. I mean alone as in absolutely no connections whatsoever. From that sentence alone one should know I’m DEFINITELY not in the mood to get close to anyone romantically. I refuse to even become friends. It hurts too much now. I have been committed to being alone for years now. Whenever I sense someone trying to pry me open I […]

I feel like everything is dying around me. People, society, nature, friendships, ideas, communities. And I don’t know if I or anyone can do something about it

You messaged. I should message back. Why? So you can say hey? So the conversation can stop? I want to message but about what? We have nothing to talk about and i feel like I’m better off shutting up anyway.

I had been wanting to die for about 6 years now. It still feels so normal. The intrusive thoughts of self harm, the gut wrenching pain of existing, the struggle to be productive, and my self hatred all feel like they have always been there, I forget what life was like without them. It took me a very long time to realize I needed help, to realize that I was allowed to feel this way and to begin to alter my mindset. However, now that I have, I am scared that it might have been too late. My boyfriend has helped a lot. I feel […]

I don’t remember the last time I’ve wanted to die this badly. I’ve been working my ass off, doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing: regular therapy appointments, taking my meds somewhat consistently, spending time with friends and family, going outside, started working out and prioritizing eating better, purging and organizing my home so I’m not living in chaos. I haven’t been this active in over 8 years since my mental health first plummeted. And yet my mind is telling me over and over, “Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.” Why isn’t anything I’m doing enough?

I don’t want to live, but I can’t die. I don’t want to live but I have to. How long can someone live in this state until you decide it’s the end? Do people who kill themselves do it impulsively? Can it be planned? I don’t want to plan my death, but sometimes I get intrusive thoughts (come on, jump under that bus! Or why not take all the pills you can find!), and I’m wondering if one day I’ll act on it impulsively, or if deep down, I have been planning my death since the day I was born. 

I’m so angry.
I’m SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME.
I feel like the whole world is against me, but you know what?
At this point, I’ve had the biggest epiphany. I don’t care anymore.

Imagine that.
Do, whatever the fuck you want.
Be a slut, dress how you want. Be an asshole, be kind, go out at night. get drunk, fall in love, make huge mistakes, lose and gain friends, burn bridges.
I don’t care what your parents say.
Do it.
Fucking do it, cause you know what, you only live once and no one is going to hear about us in those […]

I wish telling myself this was enough. That I could just be confident that I was coming across like a normal person. Either I try to just “be myself”, and worry that people are looking at me funny. Or I try to act “normal”, and constantly worry that I’m getting it wrong and acting weird. I wish I could just not care, either way.

I’ve really tried to not think about it. So people think I’m weird – so what? But I feel exposed – vulnerable. It feels dangerous. I suppose at some point in my childhood I decided that saying or doing weird/dumb stuff […]

My family visted me for Thanksgiving. One thing that stuck out to me is a brief conversation on whether or not I waould get married some day. I shruged it off and said if it happens it happens. But this was one of the first times I saw my Mother worried about it. She said she wants ne to put myself out there and find a “companion”. Usually she never seemed bothered or interested in the fact I was alone. I played it off like I didn’t care, but obviously this is one of the things that keeps me […]

I’ve booked a weeks leave. That will be plenty time enough for me to do what I need to do. No one will notice me missing until I don’t show for work a week later. I’ve booked in “catch ups” with everyone I need to say goodbye to before hand, it’s not many but I feel I should see them one last time, to say the usual “Bye, take care of yourself”. It’s time I guess.

Most of the people qualities I encountered: shallow, vain, self centered, cold and unavailable

Sometimes, I feel like you only reason I’m here still is because I care too fucking much about other people, especially my mom. That fucking sucks, I don’t want no one to care about me, so I could just leave this world without hurting anyone. I hate caring more about others than myself, Because then I have to stay here for them. I’m tired, i’m exhausted, Hurting myself doesn’t even do it anymore. The only thing getting me through it is the idea that an addiction to benzos is always better than death. If I’m going to stay on this world, might as well try […]

Today I woke up with a stomach ache. Want to know why.? Because the past few days have been a walking nightmare. My government decided on some Covid measures, on which I can’t take the public transportation anymore, even though I rely on it.

I live in a capital city. No, I am not vaccinated, ’cause I don’t trust it yet. In 3 years.? Maybe. (Please, if you have a toxic opinion about that, don’t drag me down even more) I just want that person, who clearly didn’t think about ill or old people who have risks taking it, to suffer. It’s without logic. A few […]

up down left right, gaining control losing control losing my mind and going back to having a clear head. Suicide, future, planning for the future, I’m not sure why or how I am still alive and planning for the future. I have lost all control to my thoughts and emotions, good thing that my brain is all fogged up

Ive been getting “randomly” sick for a bit now. Ill have a headache, an upset stomach, and just generally feel like im dying (in terms of how sick i am. Literally curled up on the floor.)

Last night we were watching a hells kitchen episode. One of the contestants laid his head on the counter and i was like “lol he looks like me”. He comes back “the doctor said i havent eaten enough”. I internally drop, “oh shit”. The ‘funny’/worse part, i got my typical sickness shortly after. I ended up throwing up 5-7 times. My husband even noting “theres nothing for you to even […]

Tonight is the night. I’ve felt no reason to go to work, no reason to commit to something for more than an hour. Once my father goes to bed I will too. I cannot keep doing this. I’m so sorry.

I have a crush on someone!

So there’s this girl i met who caught my attention a few weeks ago. The first time meeting her, i could not help but notice how pretty she is! It’s not just the ”conventional good-looks” she possess, but it’s her eyes, smile, body language and just overall aura that struck me the most !

I instantly got along well with her! I was pleasantly surprised to find out that we both have playing the piano in common. We chatted quite a bit and i noticed how […]

I just blocked my friends again. I went on a random chat as kind of like a whatever thing. And now I’m talking to him offsite and wondering….. What were the chances? Is this a sign to move on? I’ve already destroyed what i had with my friends… With them i feel horrible but away from them i miss them.

I’m going to hate myself if i continue with this…. :'(

But, it gives me a blank slate. I’ll just hide my disorders. I can be “normal” like back in school….

He doesnt need to know i cut. That i have “irregular” eating patterns. That i have a […]