Again I am taking my medication and again I am still struggling but am back to not talking. Externally I seem fine but internally my problems are all still present.
My psychiatrist asked if I could handle it, yeah I was going to say no and get sent to psych, PASS!
Idk, maybe I can use this to silently go away. I hate talking about my problems anyway.

Reconnecting with some friends and i just feel more alone…

I’m not sure my ex best friend and i will ever click like we use to.
Her bf/my ‘bf’s friend is my ex so i feel i have to […]

Everything is like a mind game. Why are we even alive. Life sucks and I don’t like this fake game

Everything feels fake and I feel like shit because of it. I have something real in me, call it consciousness, and I recognize the fake things and people that I’m surrounded by. Even my body might be fake. What do I mean by fake? For example something that is created from something else. For example, a chair made from the wood of a tree but it goes deeper because it feels like even the trees are fake. Trees, houses, animals, you name it

Nearly everyone will try to take advantage of you, and they may do it in sneaky and deceptive ways.

They may try to find out information about you, not because they are interested, but to see how vulnerable you may be, and how sensitive you may be. They try to find all the so call ‘weaknesses’ in you. They will soon use this information to best determine how they will take advantage of you.

They may seem nice at first, or even seen nice for quite a while. But you’ll end up seeing the cracks sooner or later. Appearing nice might be a stepping stone to taking […]

There is nothing here of value, but we know that’s what you intended. Nothing that you can give me, but: by everything did you try to convince me that I needed you. And you succeeded …somewhat. Can’t even say it was hard for you. The form that I come in makes it so easy for you to do what you want with me. The form that I come in makes it so impossible for me to do anything. So there you sit in your narcissistic glee raping me for all that you can get.
But YOU couldn’t get all what you wanted, I’m not […]

whats on my mind is death. an overwhelming want for and pull towards it. i have no joy in life because there is no joy in life. everything is a lie. there is nobody i can trust, not even myself. i question my sanity almost daily at this point. i can feel it. the end is near.

I don’t know what your life has become since this pandemic started but it’s obvious for lots of people, the quality of life has dropped. It’s everywhere, this madness. In the news, they talk non-stop about covid and how it could kills us. On the street, people weak masks. They say on the TV: “Wear the mask, it can save your life”). And then, ‘Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine’. Go and get the vaccine. (despite all the side-effects and being still  unsafe and not enough tested).

If you didn’t know, I am no longer suicidal. I try to live my life the best I can. But I still […]

I told you. I warned you. I need time away, idk if ill be back….

I cant do this….

i cant find a place to hang. I was supposed to be normal, i just fixed myself she wont give me a break. I am going to go crazy. this isnt real. I woke up at the wrong time, i wasnt supposed to wake up, i woke up in the wrong world in the wrong body, this is jusyt a bad dream. I never knew this. If someone could recprd me. I wil nver remember what happened, I cant find a place to hang. the doorknob is too low, the rail of the bed soesnt work, cutrain pole tooo soft it curves in. I need […]

I’ve gotten to the point where even though I know I’d hurt people by leaving, I don’t care. I’ll be dead, so they can feel their pain and then move on. Is it selfish? yes. do I care? no. I don’t know if I could ever actively kill myself, but if something were to kill me, such as a deadly car crash, I wouldn’t fight to live anymore.

Sad but true.

Talking to people i can tell. They get this lost feeling about them. They have no idea what to do with me. How to handle me. I can tell they dont want me to die.

I feel like an injured animal one has to put down. You dont want to. It kills you to. Your chest hurts, eyes swelling with tears. But you know the animal is hurting. You try everything, anything to save this poor creature. After the life its had, this cant be how it ends…

I’ve made so many mistakes that whenever I pause to think on how things came to be the way they are, my head starts to hurt. Every time things go slightly well, a million reasons why things will inevitably get worse come to mind. With such a bad past, such a bleak present, and such a hopeless future, I don’t know what to do really. It’s like the world will never let me forget. I can’t forget how people are. I can’t forget who I am, and what I’ve done, and what has been done to me in turn. There’s this wall of shadows between […]

Not going to be topical/current, rather talking about another of my shameful habits

Every now and then, I visit the graveyard of my desires. There were people that I loved, and some of them died. Those are the easier to square with than the ones that went on living, with no interest towards me being in their lives.

I’ll say their names, because I’ll never be able to anywhere else;

Laurel
Tiffany
Amber
Todd
Stephanie
Lindsay
Sarah

This isn’t to say that they chose to end it, often enough it was me that decided I couldn’t bleed for the relationship anymore. The ones still alive, I tend to check […]

reconnecting with some old friends. more battle worn then before so trying to walk on a damn tight rope. ill start to feel fine. ill start to get comfortable and then i get stabbed in the chest as anxiety brings me back to reality

“why did you say that!? youre stupid”

and the worst part:
do you listen to it because you dont want to push them away or tell it to fuck off.

and the even worst part….. you wont know the right answer until the anxiety gets so bad that you push them away, or you get so annoying they push you away.

mental disorders ruin everything

Losing all my friends, my family wants to give up on me. I been feeling psychotic all this time. Nobody loves you while you’re here but they will miss you when you’re gone. Atleast pretend they will. The older you get, the worse it is. You know that stupid show “Everyone hates Chris” well my theme title would be “Everyone hates Mike” just for any sympathy, you ever been told since you’re suicidial, “why dont you do it” Also a reminder, just human nature “people will leave you once the convience stops. Like money, good friendship or the best one yet, the guy who is […]

currently i wish to die, not because I want to actively die, i just want relief. i have had 5 attempts before in the last year and a half and i still want to do it. but i know if i do it people might miss me, something that i don’t believe is true, but my friends say it’s true, but can i really call them my friends. i have a lot of trust issues so i can never tell.

this is my first post so i don’t really know what i’m doing. i just hope anyone i know finds me on here, not that they […]

A Bob Marley Quote ^

But who is worth suffering for?
I’m so tired.

Severe depression?

I haven’t been properly diagnosed, but i’m wondering if my depression is perhaps more than circumstantial. Allot of shitty things have happened this year, last year and honestly throughout life. A few of the things i’ve been experiencing being depressed are

Overwhelming sadness and hopelessness

It gets so bad that anyone could tell that something is wrong with me. My facial expression goes blank and my body posture is slow and slumped over. I often experience uncontrollable crying so intense that’s accompanied by me hyperventilating and literally curling up into a ball. Those episodes of depression completely drain my body and leaves me with a headache.

Self […]