C’mon, man… I know we’re all here because our situations supposedly preclude any real sense of hope… But I don’t think that’s really true for all of us. For some of us, recovery is a practical impossibility. But for others here, there’s still hope, even though life is shit, to go on, and at least not allow it to become any worse. Sometimes you need to let go of shit and focus on the future if you wanna survive at all. It’s the ego that wants things to be the way they were before. The ability to change things only comes with accepting them as […]

I can’t clean the blood…

i barely can distinguish three options…

i can’t decide…

i can’t listen to this song over and over again, that reminds me of my son when he was a newborn, 18 years ago, my collicky boy, dad always had your back…

i can’t envision a future with my boy and my girl…

i can’t ask for help…

i can’t deal with this hurt…everyday is the same…i cry and miss them…i can’t do it anymore…

working from home, no one knows, not even my best friends, and i cant fool them anymore…he knows…he’s seen the scars…i can’t…

i can’t decide get what i had, and what i need, so […]

that uneasy something-is-about-to-happen feeling grabs me by the throat,

“all of them are the same. all of them are the same. trust no one.”

i can’t look adult men in the eyes.  i can’t stand within arms reach of them.  i can’t have a one-on-one conversation with them.  i can’t ask anything of them, even if it’s something as simple as asking for directions.  i can’t trust them.

it fills me with guilt.  i don’t want to fear them.  i can’t control it.  i’m even wary of family members (not immediate).

i can’t undo the years of trauma, i can’t erase it.  i was abused at an early age and […]

For the last eight years, I have been acutely aware that my health is failing, but I have been too afraid to go to the doctor. I’ve tried to live my life as normally as I could but when the symptoms pop up, I always tell myself it’s one thing or another. I know what it is but I cannot/will not tell a single soul. Everyone would judge, and I do not trust anyone at all. The sad thing is, it’s entirely treatable. I just do not have the courage to get it looked at by a professional because the weight of a diagnosis would […]

Wish everytime i took a step forward, i didnt get knocked back 3. Life has been kicking my a** for over 3 decades and i just cant seem to get it to back off and let me be happy or just let good things happen.

Even the shelter “therapist” told me today that normal people do have bad things happen to them but that I seem to get hit alot more than most normal people and that she feels bad for me. So even my downfall baffles people n stresses em out cuz they know theres no loop hole for me to escape these intense hits […]

I’m young, and some people might think that i haven’t known real pain. I’m turning 19 this year and life isn’t going good. My depression first started years ago when my parents degraded me, even calling me a moron for not doing well in my exam. I was humiliated so i started to do well in my next exams and i did well in highschool. It wasn’t enough for them, they still degraded me even when i got an above average result. I got an offer to enter a uni but i got rejected, probably i wasn’t good enough for them. I don’t have enough […]

I think I’m settling in on method. Given that no one is at all interested in preserving my body, I’m thinking about killing my liver. Yes, I’m planning to drink to death. It might take decades, but it is relatively certain.

Right now I’m at the stage where I need a drink to get through the day, meaning I should be on to full day drinking alcoholic within a few years, non functional a few years after that. The difference is that I’m not keeping it any level of secret, my doctor knows, my therapist knows, they don’t have anything better to give me. I’ll take […]

A friend texts “How are you doing today?”

And so, as I prepare to reply, it is time to lie.

‘what quality of art do you make?’

me:

there is a song that i would listen to back when i was still being abused in august.  it’s your dog by Soccer Mommy.  most of the time i’d just sit on the floor and sob while it played on repeat in the background.  i still listen to it, it’s a great song and i love it, it’s just really difficult to listen to because of the content of the song itself and the time period i associate it with.

here are the lyrics:

I don’t wanna be your fucking dog
That you drag around
A collar on my neck tied to a pole
Leave me in […]

the last few days, as i was falling asleep, there was this one thought running through my mind: “people need bullshit to stay alive – they have to be brainwashed into staying alive – couldn’t i brainwash myself too? what would be the best way to do that?”

i have been looking for a good reason to keep going. i didn’t see a point in anything during the last few months.

when i was a kid, i wasn’t surrounded by people who would appreciate my presence, and signal to me that it’s okay to just be me and do my thing.

i would keep asking my parents: why […]

People always say it gets better, but it doesn’t.

How much long do I have to keep going?

How long till I’m allowed to quit?

mere andar kuch nhi hai. kabhi kabhi sochta hu mujhme aur ladne ki takat nahi hai. peechhe mudkar dekhu to rasta bhi gayab. mein apne aap ko pehchan nahi pa raha. esa lag rha hai ki chati ke beech dil ke jage vishal sa ched hai. usme se hawa chalti hai. mein koi hu hi nahi. sirf ye ched.

It would almost be funny, if it wasn’t so pathetic. The thing that consumes my mind, that seems so amazing and essential, is also one of the worst things in the world. What feels good is also terrible. What kind of exquisite mindfuck is that? Almost as if I’ve devised the perfect method to mentally torture myself.

It’s been almost 4 years since I last went to that place. I think about it often. I might go back at any point. I might’ve gone back today. I seriously considered it. I still might. 4 years teetering on the edge, barely holding myself back. Why? It’s not […]

I wanna look up at the stars and be one. I want to become a star in a consolation. I wish I could be a free spirit. I love to just be able to clear my head at night in the starlight. All the trauma and shit. Nothing I can do in this world will be able to even remotely relate to his touch, his voice, his touch, his smell, literally everything about that man that was in my life. He was my soulmate and my stars. I wanted to go star shopping with him. Look at the star, look at the moon, look at […]

im being ignored irl and online
thats good for me
im worth nothing

it doesn’t get any less unsettling.  it’s just as disturbing as the first time i experienced it.

hands.  hands that aren’t there.  gripping my neck, my shoulders, my face.

the feeling of someone standing directly behind me.  i feel their breath on the back of my neck.  i can feel their eyes on me, an unforgiving gaze.

but there’s nobody there.  nobody is ever there.

sometimes, things he said replay faintly.  but there is no noise.  the room is quiet.  i am alone.

but he’s still here, watching me.  suffocating me.  controlling me.

he still, in some way, has managed to lay his hands on me.  he never did, he was […]

There’s not a single day that has gone by in the last six years where I didn’t think about killing myself. How I would do it. Where I’d go. What would I do to prevent anyone from getting to me. It’s scary, because I’ve been thinking about it for so long now, I’ve gotten good at it. I know what would kill me, it’s so easy. I don’t want to share it because of how readily available it is. But I’ve run the scenario through my head over, and over, and over. I can’t get it out.

I don’t talk about these feelings with […]

I study misery, so depression would be a common and understandable outcome. I’ve been thinking though about why I keep coming back to that state of powerlessness, of wanting to walk away from the project. I have a degree in psychology, published research, and I work with trauma victims.

The thing that irritates me, and I’ve been trying to find a way to discuss this with anyone who will listen… Though the violent people, the angry people, the judgemental people, may look like the problem, the problem is us. Those of us in polite society who are willing to dismiss; “evil”, “sick”, “racist”, does it matter? […]