In the past 12 months I’ve attempted suicide 6 times. The most recent was last week. I failed at that just like I’ve failed at life. How big of a god damned fuck up do I have to be to fail at literally everything I do? I hate life, I hate myself, I want out.
Today, I went to a farm. It’s owned by a friend that I used to work with, and her wife. I went to discuss some personal issues. I’ve never really been that close with her, but she’s the type of person I felt I could open up to about having suicidal thoughts, and about my excessive drug use this past year. So I opened up, just a bit. She opened up about periods in her past, periods of extremely deep depression and suicidal thoughts. She talked about excessively drinking to deal with her pain during these times. I was surprised to hear this […]
I loath myself and the existence I am in. I don’t fit in. I’m hideous. I’m a loser. I try to help others, I try to learn what I do that makes people hate me so much. I’m just an outsider. I’m just a freak. I have so much rage and pain. I don’t know where it truly comes from. I don’t know why I can’t forgive the people who hurt me, even so many years later. Why do I obsess? Why was I even born?
ifuckign hate flashbacks i can feel everythign
he’s in my head he won’t leave he won’t leave he won’t leave
i can hear him yelling at me like he used to
i can see him smiling when I cry
****** please get out of my head please please please go away
i can’t stop crying im so scared
i don’tlike crying because he loved it when icried
but the tears won’t stop falling and i can feel the hallucinations starting to creep up on […]
My doctor took my advice and put me on klonopin. Which is doing wonders for my anxiety which was all day every day. It doesn’t change my feeling of wanting to hang from the rafters. I don’t know exactly whats stopping me. I’m selfish and I know this because of my children. What is stopping me? I don’t know. Sorry for the ramble but F*** this!
I got new blades. These are razor blades. Before, the blades I used were just ripped from pencil sharpeners and they were pretty good at first, but got dull fast. I wanted more. I was having a sort of decent day, until I decided to go out and get these blades. I dont know why I did it. why did i do it. I put it to my skin, and I could immediately tell how sharp it was. I could see a small small drop of blood come out my skin just from touching it against my arm. im scared. fuck
i really relate to this song a lot and i just would like to share it
how to never stop being sad by dandelion hands
Time has proven
That fooling yourself into believing a lie
Is the most effective way
To deal with things you have no control over
Keep listening to the mixtapes they made you
Overanalyze every single word you hear
“Was this a sign that things were going wrong”
No no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them
Stay up every single night staring at your phone
Either attempting to gather up the courage
To turn these demons, these constant reminders
Of your […]
I called you. I called you, and you just asked if it was important, because you were busy. That’s why I decided I wouldn’t call again. It was important, I was looking for a lifeline, but I couldn’t say that, I couldn’t trouble you when you were busy. I had said my goodbyes, but not to you yet, I had a handful of OxyContin and an anti-nausea, I was checking out. I couldn’t bring myself to call the crisis line, I could text the crisis chat. You know what saved me? The stupidest thing; my fitness tracker watch. I walked and walked, there was a […]
I’m sorry if this post is just disconnected ramblings.
I love you, goodbye. So innocent and so powerful. You might say these words at the end of a phone call, or as you leave for work or school, a short term removal of someone you care about. You might say goodbye to a stranger you will never see again and it won’t affect you at all. But then there is goodbye to someone special, a goodbye that means losing a friend, or telling your dying grandma that you love her. That’s when goodbye is not such a simple thing. What about saying goodbye and not […]
NOT SUICIDE but still important
The spiders are coming back.
For the last two or three years, there have been these really awful spiders in my house, and they terrify me. Last year, I got crawled on multiple times, and I’ve gotten in trouble for the way I react/try to get rid of them.
I used fixatif once, and I’ve broken furniture, and I got so paranoid. They don’t like the light, so I started sleeping with my lights on. That was way too bright for me, though, so I started waiting for the sun to come up before I even layed down. I spent the entire summer […]
had a thought that no one would miss me if i died
my fa ult myfault my fault myfaultmyfaultmyfault my fa ult myfault my fault my fault my faultmy fault myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kxLivJwk2OU
Tell me why do we as an Living being’s longed for Life or death?… The Meaning of living and dying altogether it’s kind of like a questioning that we tried to seek. For instance all living humans, animals or etc..have a thing or two that we all relate too… We all breathe, also eat to get by the day.sometimes we all look at life and ask is it worth keep living for the moment?… I always been trying to find the answers for all my problems. Since i was a kid. Alotta emotional Feeling’s were being Planted since i was young. Im always optimistic […]
if i could survive one more night..
maybe i could wake up,
and feel
alright..
my optimistically set alarm clock time
serves only
to mock me
with
*beeping noises*
so, today I went to a support group for suicidal people…. and they talked about the effects of stress on the human body, and breath training…… I have BS in psychology and have been in therapy for over twenty years. You seriously think I don’t know how to breath? or the effects of stress? For pity sake, I was doing breath exercises when I was 12…. here I am 21 years later realizing that there’s nothing better.
so, I also got an appointment with a therapist out of the whole thing……. not optimistic. The theme today was finding hope. What fucking hope? It’s a miserable species […]
his name is censored and the lines have been recolored for safety reasons. i’m a minor. please don’t sexualize any of this. please. this is vent art that I made during the time I was being abused. everything written was taken straight from voice memos, emails, and messages.
edit: how many times do i have to reiterate that this wasn’t a relationship. leave me alone. please.
I’ve been feeling pretty dead inside, everything just been feeling so pointless. But today I actually really felt something; hate, bitter envy.
I don’t know what caused it I’ve seen it all before, but today when I saw someone with everything I ever wanted, everything more, everything I never will have. It was suffocating.
After having a breakdown and pushing those feelings away and thinking clearly again I don’t know why it bothered me so much. I’m not sure I even actually want those things anymore or if it’s just a holdover from when the old me died. Maybe even knowing I’ll never have any of it […]
And again some guy always has to ruin my way of venting and freedom of speech. Constantly bein shunned by men my whole fkn life and its like who tf asked u? I never said they could talk to me. They never think that sometimes women dont need that “tough love” bs in their life. But thanks again for thinkin i needed your 2 cents. Im done venting on here, not even gonna bother comin back. Just keep my life to myself and continue being bitter towards every1. Yall basically stab me in the back n ask why im bleeding anyways. So yea this site […]
why the hell do i exist