It can be quite a shock to see yourself. Not a casual glance in a mirror, more extensive. I just took a video of myself, rambling imcoherently.  It’s very early and I should be sleeping, but I’m not because my cat smells funny and it’s making me anxious. So I figured I’d make a video of some random thoughts that noone will ever see, although my intention was that this video, as well as others I will make, might serve as a diary of a bad time, of sorts. I watched the video, and it’s so depressing.  What have I become? Where did […]

i’ve been having terrible, terrible nightmares. the locations in my dreams are consistent, there’s a whole world, i can always remember and recognize the places, i can even draw out a map if i want to. the dreams are so complex, i can’t even write them out, there’re ridiculous, they’re so obscure i just can’t express the scenes in words. i don’t want to dream anymore. it’s so disgusting, even, the dreams. i’ve been free from them for almost a month, but yesterday the dreams got physcial. i don’t do drugs, but i felt like i had a really bad trip. before i fell asleep […]

I haven’t been able to focus  for weeks and I have finals tomorrow. I know I’m gonna fail. what’s the point of trying anymore?

i don’t think i can do this anymore. i’m tired. i’m going to sleep.

Ok so i found this site 2 weeks ago when i was in a really dark place catalyzed by another hostile attack from my dear mother. i live with a lazy hoarder mom, an even lazier hoarder, narcissistic, abusive dad and my dirty lazy twin brother. all the housekeeping falls on me and i sob internally as i watch our 2 year old house become the disgusting, filthy, embarrassing house we moved out of. whatever anyways, i’m numb, i don’t even know if u can consider it a depression. i just feel nothing. it’s been like this for 5 months, i have no passion, absolutely […]

Not suicide related

Great. I asked a valid question about the course and they (training provider) don’t even reply. But they replied to other things, quickly as well. Now I’ve submitted all my enrollment documents on Friday… so have they even looked at them yet? Maybe I’m just such a joke that I shouldn’t bother studying.

I may not end up doing the whole course anyway. I mean, if I even begin the course… if it interests them to look at my enrollment………………….
I hope they are just really this busy! Doubt that though.

Maybe whoever sees my emails is laughing at them behind the screen…

i just see too many problems with everything

My days are just so fucking pointless. I’m not doing anything and I don’t want to… What will give my existence meaning.? Here’s my theme-song:

Here I doubt that this will truly significantly change anyone’s perspective but in Thus Spoke Zarathustra, which is a parody of the bible, Nietzsche, or rather “Zarathustra”, his fictional mouthpiece/prophet talks about a concept called the eternal recurrence of the same. From the liner notes:

“Every time he thinks about this concept, it’s as though a dark cloud passes over him. He becomes brooding and silent. He now confronts its implications. Life is Will to Power. Will to Power seeks to overcome obstacles. What is the greatest obstacle of all? To will the past. How is it possible to make my past life, past human history, […]

I’m not sure what to do, I just want to die.

I’m being kicked out from the last family I have left. I escaped a four year, extremely abusive relationship, and begged to the last blood relatives I have for shelter. It’s been nearly a year since February, and they’ve decided I don’t “fit in with the family” and am “not getting better,” so they want me out. I have no health insurance, I’m on disability for major depression, BPD, and a myriad of physical health problems. I’m not able to navigate Medicare or anything, I honestly just have panic attacks when trying to do anything […]

I was going to be melodramatic about the whole thing, extend my description to include others. The fact is, I don’t have a clue what is going on with the rest of our species. I have ideas, but it can’t be proven, proof is the biggest act of faith and delusion of all.

I can’t prove that I was born any different than any other human larva. I was a hyperactive kid, a little introverted, who had the misfortune of being born into a society that needs something to be wrong with people that don’t enthusiastically engage with it. So, thanks to hours of therapy and […]

This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]

I’m friendly, I smile, I act interested in and welcoming towards people. I ask them questions about themselves, laugh at their jokes, agree with them, just generally try to be pleasant to be around.

I try to be extroverted and zany and funny, since that’s what people seem to like and respond well to, but it never, ever lands; people just look at me weird, then go back to what they were doing like I never spoke.

If I’m my quiet, introverted actual self, people quite literally don’t notice me, let alone talk to me or include me or invite me to things. It’s […]

Saw this on one of the two accounts I follow on social media today.

Cut again today for the first time in 6 months i think. It felt really good and i had to stop myself from going over board. I just am starting to get in a relationship and i feel awful because i know she deserves better. I don’t think i am ever supposed to get better.

i’m honestly so tired of all this. whenever i get to feel a glimpse of light i always feel the shadows following me so i can never escape this dark hole i am in. this all fucking sucks. i was supposed to die last month on my 18th birthday but i’m still fucking here and i hate it. i don’t want to live anymore.

I think im going to fail calculus, and maybe english too. Although, its kind of hard to do anything about that when you want to kill yourself everyday. And everyday I just do worse and worse in those classes. I do not want anything from this life. I was thinking of telling a random under trained guidance counselor that I wanted to kill myself to see what they would do. Maybe its a good idea, not because they’ll help me, but because they’ll do something about school. Senior year kind of sucks. I hope that whoever, if anyone, reading this is feeling ok. I wonder […]