I’m so unbelievably fucked in the head. Emotionally, in terms of my desires. When I’m honest with myself about what I really want, it’s the darkest fucking shit.

And it’s not like I’m going to do any of it. Most of it is next to impossible even if I had the consistent motivation.

But it leaves me feeling so fucking alienated from other people. From society, humanity, my family, who I used to be.

There is this part of me that just wants to use and exploit people. That isn’t capable of love, or trust, or even friendship. That would happily wipe out or enslave every other creature […]

It was a tough morning. One of my kids needed something and I drove 50 miles to take it to them. Trying to help out. Bought lunch. Ended with being yelled at–again.

Driving home, I was pleading to God to bring someone who gave a damn that I exist, across my path. I stopped at a Circle-K on the way home. A random woman walking out of the store actually engaged me in a polite greeting.

My wife passed 11 years ago. All of our friends have abandoned me, because I am the third wheel. There are so few social events where one […]

Hi. This is my first time on here. I just need a place to go to let out everything.
My mom loves me. I love her. She always calls me beautiful and lately I’ve been going to her when i feel depressed. Today i overheard her telling her boyfriend that she hates me. She was talking about how i hate her (because im mean to her when shes drunk and shes ALWAYS drunk) and she started talking shit really loud. I hid under my sheets and cried so hard because i thought she loved me. Ive never felt suicidal before. Ive never wanted to kill […]

If i had a gun I’d shoot myself to die and let my relatives see me because they made me do this

I was on the road early. I don’t relish the idea of chasing weed too close to Paddy’s day. Christmas, Easter, bank holidays etc, it is always better to procure your pot early.  Nothing puts a dampener in my day like inferior quality weed, the last bit I had was just not quite right, this can happen, it’s rare but happens, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he’s got a lot on his plate right now, I had voiced my dissatisfaction with the weed and insisted on the best of the best next time.  When it comes to illicit substances don’t think about […]

Can’t say anything’s changed. I don’t know if I know how to be okay or not. I’m falling into habits again, as I always seem to when I know someone and they’re around long enough. Its ridiculous and it’s something I’m very frustrated about. It’s like I’ve not even changed at all. I’m the same parasite I always was. I dont know how to like- not be? But I’ve decided if me feeling ok requires dragging others down, I’ll pass. Because that’s just not ok, obviously. This shit needs to stop. Hell, it’s part of why I used this place as frequently as I did/do.

I […]

Therapy happened today, and it came down to that I’m never really happy unless I’m neck deep in the utter horror of the awful things happening around me. I don’t know how to make anyone other than another mental health worker understand. Well, cops and medical workers seem to get it also. So my therapist helped me find a way to apply for a job in crisis response.

It involved talking to a company that….. I have a lot of doubts about. I feel like an addict in need of a fix. Because this company can connect me with local cops, I can be on the […]

My mentor from my internship this past summer said he wouldn’t write a letter of recommendation for my PhD application. He said I wasn’t ready from what he saw. Someone finally said it. No bs. Maybe a little bs. He did say maybe in a few years after I worked in the private sector a bit I might be ready. Probably just to soften the blow. But someone finally said I couldn’t do it. No carefully chosen words, no false niceties, no lies. I respect him for it. Still going to apply. Because I […]

No more pain. No more fear. No more regret, longing, shame, self-hatred or despair. Freedom. That’s the yearning that brings me back here.

It seems unlikely that would be the reality. Freedom is experienced. What I really want is to experience existence, free of all these negatives that make it seem unbearable. Whereas death seems likely to involve either the end of existence, or the end of any kind of self that I could identify with.

So death would not bring freedom. But it would likely bring an end, And that sometimes seems appealing to a delusional part of me. Because the pain seems unbearable, and intolerable. […]

What will be left of me when I’m gone? I know no one cares. I am but a scream in the void, and will be missed about as much.

It irritates me when I find a talented author, and they have but one work. Such is the case with the book I’m reading right now, Sins of the Flesh by Don Davis. There are multiple men named Don Davis and none of them ever wrote anything resembling this book ever again. This book was released 36 years ago. A distant scream in the void. He released it, I think with his son Jay Davis who also […]

??????????

?????? ?????? ? ??? ???? ? ???????? ?????????
??? ????? ?????????? ??????? ????????
???????????? ? ??????????? ?? ?????? ?????
??????????? ? ??????????? ?????? ????????????
????????? ? ????????? ?? ?????? ???????
??????? ?????? ? ???????? ???????
????????????? ?????? ?????????? ?????????

?????? ? ??????? ??????-???????? ? ???????? ?????????????? ????????? ??????? ????????????? ??????????? ???????????? ?????????. ?????? ???????????? ???????????? ? ????????????, ??????? ?????? ??????? ?? ?????? ????????. ???????? ???? ???????? ?????????? ??????????? ??????, ?????????????? ?????????? ??????????. ???? ?? ????? ???????? ????, ??????????? ????? https://kra-dark.com ??? ???????? ?? ?????????. ??? ????????? ???????? ?????? ??? ????? ?????? ??????? ? ??????? ???? ????????? ?? ?????????? ?????. ?????? […]

I don’t know how to feel about this.

I don’t wanna go see him once he’s born.

I’m so estranged from my older brother.

I’m so estranged from all my immediate family members and relatives

They’ll all say I did this to myself and they’re right but that doesn’t help. It just makes me want to get further away from them.

I love them but I don’t wanna show them for some reason.

I haven’t gone to funerals, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, weddings in years.

The only way I can cope with these events […]

I keep going over and over it in my head; what did I do to deserve this? I can’t have done anything that bad. Then I think about some of you that I’ve gotten to know, I know some of you think you’ve done something bad, but bad enough to be stuck depressed and hopeless? I don’t think you’ve done something that bad either.

Maybe it’s an immature approach, assuming that people should get what they deserve. I keep going back over all the awful things I ever did, but haven’t I done penance for those awful things?! I tried to kill someone once, okay, a […]

-_-

For all my ability to shake off chemical dependency, there’s one thing I’m still stuck on; this blasted machine.

A few minutes ago it did that thing that it does every now and then, click goes a fuse. I don’t understand why on a perfectly sunny day, almost no wind.

What it means though is that I have to reboot. It’s almost the only reason I ever have to. Which means I have to close everything… and it’s just irritating and it highlights how dependent and attached I am to this whole machine I am. I’m watching my afternoon show, so that has to shift.

I did notice […]

and your drs- especially Primary Care Physicians- do not listen to you, do not give you the proper lab tests to find out what you have, or refer you to specialists bc they just don’t believe you?

It’s fucking insanity with PCPs act like cockblocks- they are literally gatekeepers keeping you from seeing specialists and from getting proper labwork.

Why does life have to be so sucky? Like tons of stress, worries, money worries, health issues, etc. Just a litany of crap and more crap in our lives? I mean look- most of us are here with REAL LEGIT issues that leads us to have depression- whether it’s a shitty job, lack of a job, shitty pay, shitty boss, shitty asshole neighbors, or our shitty lot in life. Our depression isn’t going to be gone or solved unless our REAL life issues gets solved. And many of our life issues are hard or near impossible to “fix” or get […]

Tell me something to make me feel better. Not the usual “everything will work out and be fine” stuff we always hear bc apparently, everything has NOT worked out well for most of us here on SP.

Maybe a joke. Maybe some funny story. Maybe a link to a YT short. Feeling bleh. -_-

I tell myself that there are certain things I won’t endure, where I’ll overcome my fear of death and end it if they seem imminent. If my past ever catches up with me, for example. Or nuclear war. Or degenerative illness. Points where it seems outright stupid not to kill myself, to spare myself pointless suffering.

But what’s troubling is that my life is already at the point where on balance, it would probably be better for me if I stopped existing. I’m in near-constant discomfort. The pain isn’t agonizing or anything, but it is enough to make sleep difficult. I’m chronically depressed, and I feel […]

Been a while since I’ve come here and posted. Going on 10 years on this platform in some capacity. Some things have improved. Some have worsened. I’d like to think that my semblance of self is still there somewhere.

I was a teen when I started here. I’m more of a man now. Things for me aren’t bad, but I’m wondering about my mental state.

I go to therapy. It does help. I’m glad I finally went.

I think something is wrong with my brain. Maybe I just process things differently. I could well have the mentality of a young teen […]