deadlines are coming and going and the help i’m set to get still feels so far away.

i can only feel negative thoughts recently, ive been numbing my brain with social media, games, alcohol, and such.

i feel incapable of literally anything productive. i havent left my room today, hardly even left the bed. not unordinary.

havent shaved, brushed teeth, showered, did laundry, or did any of the work ive needed to do for a while now.

disgusting. my soap is out, havent even bought more. isnt that fucking gross?
everything is slippping away i want to die so bad its what any train of thought leads to now.

i […]

Got through more than a 1/3 of Jameson but less than a half. Comfortably numb. Still haven’t talked to my friends. Don’t really plan to anytime soon. Just feel no reason to talk to them. Did 2 interviews for an internship for amazon. I think it went well. Got nothing to complain about. Except the sprain. Other than that, I’m all good. Still think about her. Wish I didn’t. Wonder when it will stop. Flipped to see if i should call her. Landed on heads of al things. Doesn’t mean […]

There’s a kind of mental suffering that’s hard to put your finger on or express, but I guess I’m trying to process that. I’d say one aspect comes from the awareness that you’re not a good person. Not just in terms of your actions, but also your emotions. Your desires. What you want from the world is not good. And you can’t just stop desiring something. That’s not how that works. So you continue to feel the desire, while simultaneously being aware that it’s wrong. And I think as a result you become alienated from yourself on a fundamental level, which is deeply painful. You […]

There’s always a very short window of opportunity in every facet of life which closes very rapidly, and once closed, is closed forever. When it comes to recovery, shall we say recovery from suicidal thoughts, that wndow of opportunity has closed permanently should you find yourself still suicidal after 21. I recall as younger man being able to feel the window of opportunity close in respect of trying to score weed with the lads. If you like weed you don’t just like it, you fucking love it passionately, like the passionate love between Heathcliff and Cathy in Emily Bronte’s celebrated novel.

I recall vividly standing under […]

seriously, out of nowhere, I get this invite to a webinar, and usually webinars are crap, I have an ongoing invite to one about grad school, ha ha.

but it’s from the state, for a job, and dang it, it’s a job I’d be good at. It’s tomorrow.

I don’t know how much to believe in it. Maybe they just sent it out to everyone who filled out an application in the last year. Not too special then, am I? The other end though, maybe I was picked. Either way, we’ll see how bad they want to fill the role.

Seriously tight turnaround though. I can’t imagine that […]

I swear, I was almost to the point that I could portray myself as emotionally well balanced. After all, I’m well liked, and I like myself. Really my one fault is my career, and I’m working on that.

This is going to be a story of effective therapy, because what therapy does better than anything else is hold up a mirror to parts of the self that are laying low from your own awareness.

What’s weird is that I don’t know how we got there. She was talking about how I’m a very emotionally reserved person, and I reflected that yes, I am. So she inquired as […]

Is purpose the sole source of meaning, or can we find fulfillment in appreciating what we already have? Many of us strive for improvement, setting ambitious goals. However, in our ever-changing economy, the vast majority will never fully achieve or surpass these lofty aspirations. Amidst this struggle, I’ve lost enjoyment in many things, leading to a sense of inertia. The burden of consequences often outweighs the motivation to act.

Interestingly, our world teeters on the brink of a new industrial revolution, driven by factors like the economy, wars, and artificial intelligence. Jobs vanish at an accelerating pace. Yet, instead of addressing these critical issues, we squabble […]

And we’re supposed to be the superior apes? The highest level of beings? I swear humans are DE-volving, not evolving.

I know there’s tons of Karen videos, but these top the cake. Like what the actual fuck? How are there SO many fucking insane and entitled ppl out there?

The Karen of All Karens

Our society is done for. These Karens are not an anomaly- they are the norm, they are our neighbors and our drivers, they are all around us- they are the masses.

You had me give up on my own future because you “needed” me to not go have my own space and take care of myself and my own life.

You talked and acted like you’d kill yourself if I didn’t, like you talked about how you got drunk and smashed your car a little while before.

You didn’t care then that you were emotionally blackmailing me into turning myself into a wreck and throwing my future away.

You didn’t care then that I gave up on everything I wanted for you because of that stupid intense fear and anxiety you made me feel.

You didn’t care how disgusting I […]

I had a strange dream, and it got me thinking about something I observed about a different type of anti social behavior; when you’re the one experiencing the anti social tendency, you tend to sell it as a positive.

I don’t trust anyone at all, including myself. This is years of trauma and frustration manifest. So when I meet a true believer, someone who trust the world and themselves, I recoil. It’s probably why I like the mentally ill and developmentally disabled; the world has failed them, so I don’t have to work to explain how someone who appears trustworthy can rip your heart out. It’s […]

I’m falling so far down. It’s been a week today that I’ve cut every day. I’ve never done a full week straight before, I usually leave a few days because of the sting.

I can’t do anything my peers can do anymore. How can I write university essays when I hardly leave my bed? I can hardly eat. I can hardly be.

There will be consequences. I know there will be. I deserve them for not getting better soon enough. I’m so scared of them, though.

I’m losing the people I love. I don’t have the energy to contact them, and none […]

Went to the orthopedist today. Good news is whoever read my x-rays was wrong. I don’t have a fracture. Just a sprain. Pretty happy about that. Doesn’t change that my ankle hurts like hell, but I don’t need to be afraid of worsening a fracture in my foot. Things have been ok. Not horrible. Just ok. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. I was doing great with only thinking about her sometimes. But I’ve had her on my mind a lot lately. Been bummed about that. Drinking right now. […]

Patience is the hardest thing there is. It’s a commonality within a lot of us. Maybe depression is a rational response, to waiting too long, getting impatient.

but as dangerous, is acting thinking that the waiting is pointless. There’s some kind of counterforce, stealer of dreams, or maybe just a root of ruin in every mind. It says hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…. and it thinks, I could push through, I could make it faster.

The shame, when I was younger and more foolish I gave into it. Trying to be less foolish, less wasteful.

because there will be time enough, in the right time. I wanted […]

prioritizing our lives over others’ … what a concept.

i have some psychotic beliefs/magical thinking

talked to a woman on a hotline. mixed reaction. talked to brother. i was seriously considering suicide, but it’s all made up in my head. i’ve been telling others and myself various stories since i’ve been young, and no one spots the discrepancies because i’m smarter than them. but paradoxically, less common sense. acting against my own best interest. this looks like extraordinarily low empathy, but it’s more like empathy towards the wrong people, like to concerning degrees. i became various people i wanted to save, and what did i get in return? such shit responses. perhaps firm, but lacking. mental health everywhere is so […]

My birthday was at the end of last month.  I turned 59, but was very depressed to see the day come and go because I prayed throughout last year that I would die at 58.  I’ve had treatment resistant depression and PTSD for twenty years and I can’t articulate how tired I am of living.  On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 indicating a great quality of life, my life is about a 2.  And that’s only because I can walk, talk, see, hear, smell, taste and use my arms and legs.  It’s almost impossible for me to have any hope of things […]

Moreso I hate the people who ride them. I just did a ride to downtown and back and it was almost perfect, so close. However, fricken urban renewal, in the middle of the ride I had to pass through the new park. I’m trying to be inclusive and not hate on it, even though it adds a mile of unnecessarily complicated and frustrating trail to what is otherwise an absolutely lovely bit of riding.

I got through the north bound with no problems at all. Lured me into a false sense of security. I thought surely I had seen all the silly things I would see […]

well, after hyping myself up for it, looks like the grocery store is a bust, or at least the one I wanted to work at. Maybe I’ll apply for others, but I’m feeling let down by the whole thing. I wanted to walk into a job, literally, that’s a thing that used to happen.

First, they require people apply online…. what’s the point being a job of last resort if you require as much work as actual good jobs (and I mean work to get, not work on the job). Then they also only had one opening, for overnight. I’m not doing overnight, it’s the one […]

It’s been 40+ years of this hellscape.
40+ years of pain and suffering.
40+ years of loneliness and never belonging anywhere.
40+ years of never being loved or cared by anyone.
40+ years of being fucking poor.
20+ years of being chronically sick.

Just tired of it all. I just want a DECENT life. Why can’t I even have a DECENT life?

When will I have love in my life?
When will I have joy in my life?
When will I be happy??
When will I be ok with myself?
When will I have a secure future?