I have a virus in my mind. If I could just let it go, then things would be so much easier. But I can’t seem to. A part of my brain is fixated on pointless unhealthy delusions. It’s almost a religious conviction at this point. If I could just have these impossible things, then everything would be ok. Land of milk and honey. But I can’t. And it wouldn’t.

But knowing that rationally doesn’t change how I feel. It’s been over 13 years now, and I’m still fixated on this shit. No matter what I do to distract myself or focus on other things, I always […]

It’s cold tonight.

this isnt really a rant but rather a question.

i want to change my personality so badly. i’m the most annoying person you’ll ever meet and it hurts badly when people yell at me for being so annoying and talkative. like i’m so insecure about it. how can i be less annoying? i’ve tried everything and tried to be less annoying but it just doesn’t work.

Shit is pretty fucked right now in my opinion and those who are reading this might not think so if I explain it to you but my brain is freaking out about everything and I think im going to try to write and post when I’m upset and having a panic attack. I’m also just figuring out how the website works again. I used to read on here when I was 12 but it’s changed a lot since then

All I think about is killing myself. All day I fantasize about dying or how I will kill myself. I don’t even feel sad that much anymore just numb. It’s the worst feeling to feel nothing at all.

I took these antidepressants when I was 17 that fucked up my brain It was like my brain was being ripped apart like a wet tissue in a blender. The words don’t come out right anymore. It was like they erased a part of me. Part of my soul. It’s like a part of me is just… Gone. Like a mild lobotomy. I met this person who sort of filled in the blanks that they erased. But I had a mental breakdown and alienated myself from them.
We were so similar in nature, it’s like we connected on a spiritual level. They always understood how I […]

im tired of being like this, tired of overthinking, tired of sharing and not sharing tired of you telling me you know it but you don’t l’m tired of hearing false shit made up by myself knowing I’m comepletely fucking autistic. I’m tired of thinking that I deserve to get walked over on but when I do it still hurts l’m tired of letting you know l’m tired of keeping it to myself. I’m tired of the memories, l’m tired of the days I can’t go back to but do you know? But can you see? Contradictions over and over again what’s seemingly pretentious what’s […]

I know loste of people feel like this alot but I just feel numb right now. I’m anxiety is at a peak and I guess in having an episode and I know im not dealing in the best way but I know im doing  somethings to help. Instead of doing alot of self sabotage I’m only doing alittle. I’m not cutting like I know I could and very well want to right now. I took a xan to hopefully take the edge off of all this in my head and Im getting drunk. I know I don’t really want to because you don’t […]

Today was a bad day. Symptoms are very bad. They get worse and not better. Crazy to think how even 1 month ago things weren’t as bad. 6 months ago the symptoms first started. At this rate, I’ll be dead in another 6 months. Begging for the hospital and my doctor to help me. Admit me to hospital and treat me properly. Still waiting for the neurologist to give me an appointment. I’m convinced they think I’m making it all up in my head. I wish I was. I want to make it through this illness and get better. I have so much to lose. […]

Give me like if u liked it.Thought i should share it.If there are any kpop fans here enjoy it!

Breathin’ but I’ve been dyin’ inside
Nothin’ new and nothin’ feels right
Dejavu so I close my eyes
Let the demon sing me a lullaby

Today’s a present that I don’t want
So I’m wonderin’ in this world
Am I really the only one
Who’s been wantin’ to hide out from the sun
And run

When we live a life
Always dreamin’ for a dream to come true
So I live this life
Wanting somethin’ I can’t see
And something I can’t reach
Or somethin’ that could not exist

I […]

…and that’s depressing (at least to me personally), when you then finally realized that basically everyday all we’re doing is just small, mundane, insignificant ordinary life. Nothing more. It all just seems so pointless & meaningless, like there is no point in the end, and in the grand scheme of everything (let alone in this vast universe). It’s what causing the existential depression in me, and it can get really bad to the point that I’m also feeling suicidal almost everyday, due to all the meaninglessness.

I’ve lost near all hope, yet idk what that entity is and why It keeps this flame alive. But when that time comes I’ll know I would be free to do anything without guilt and insecurities.

All i know is that this hope holds me here, chained, while oxygen feeds into my soul. The air feels thin. The weight feels heavier. The people.. those parasites. They refuse to understand that we are barbaric by Nature. Crule and capable of extreme physical and mental dangers to the living. Pretending that Light is bright enough to chase out the darkness. But in this world you cant have good […]

We gather here, we line up, weepin’ in a sunlit room
And if I’m on fire,?you’ll?be made of?ashes, too
Even on my worst day,?did I deserve, babe
All the hell you gave me?

Cause I?loved?you,?I swear I?loved you
‘Til my?dying day

I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace
And you’re the hero flying around, saving face
And if I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet

We gather stones, never knowing what they’ll mean
Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring
You know I didn’t want to have to […]

I’m crumbling. I recently came out to a few people as queer and now I feel like I’m lying to everyone else. The person that I like told me they don’t like me back but still want to be friends and I honestly don’t know what to do because they’re the only person I really trust right now but I need boundaries to move on. I can’t tell anyone anything going on right now so I feel trapped and suffocated. I feel devastated because I’m never someone’s first choice in life. Like besides immediate family, friends never rank me as number one and everyone throughout […]

Why am I this way? I wish I was handsome. I wish I had a nice smile but I’m ashamed of my smile. I have so few friends, there has to be something wrong with me. I wish I was the type of person to draw people towards me. I wish I accomplished something in my life so that I could have something, so that my daughter could have something.  I wish I had a real family that really loved each other, unlike the weird, finite, or selfish love that is shown everywhere. I wish that I wasn’t a single dad. I wish I was […]

A Joke:
Someone says: I have good teeth, they are white like sugar. A friend replies: mine are better they are like brown sugar.

I’ve been fighting my battles my entire life, attempting to just be “ok”. I look back and feel such sadness for the younger versions of myself. My past doesn’t hurt me, at least not the same way anymore. It has made me a different person, angrier and worn down. Before me dying was a simple solution to complex suffering I couldn’t seem to get past. Seeing it now I know why everything in my life happened the way it did. I was meant to care for my relative I am her keeper and I wouldn’t change anything. I have watched her suffer far more than […]

It was back in January. Our friends and I were sat all of five feet away from her casket during the service. She wasn’t religious, but they held a service anyway.

I felt like I couldn’t be seen crying. My friends were distraught, feeling sick and bawling like newborns. I was like a rock. I don’t think I cried at all. How sick does that make me? The monster who didn’t cry at their friend’s funeral. What’s worse is I’m now realising I never got to break down like them. I didn’t cry for hours or get comforted by doting parents. I was left […]

I have some suicidal thoughts now

I really don’t know how to explain this but I’m going to try anyways.
First of all, I honestly planned to die this month, it seems I made it through, that’s not surprising. I really was serious about it, then when everything was ready and I could die I just was so relieved I haven’t felt that I should. So that’s positive, I guess.
So I’m less suicidal but I feel kinda out of it. It’s really like a disconnection in a way, I’m just doing and not thinking, like I’m on autopilot. That is making it hard to maintain conversations, and thereby relationships, because […]