I wish for

A day
without crying
without feeling bad
without want to suicide

ok so a bit of backstory to the question first. im watching river monsters and a child got eaten by piranhas (piranhas theyre from the amazon (sorry for the nemo reference it just kinda popped in my head))

anyway my question: if someone is dying and you have the chance to save them, do you?

morally the answer is well yeah duh. but if they are dying they will most likely (depending on the cause obviously) will be really messed up, either physically mentally or both. is letting them live the rest of their life like that really better then leaving them for dead?

My lovely bluebird
My cute dove
My beloved
And all your likes
Spread your wings and soar
Soar!
High above the trees
The mountains
Spread your wings
My loves
And soar!
Soar high above the land dwellers
Soar!
Theyll watch in envy as your wings graze the heavens
My beauties
My lovelies
My beloved
Ill watch from below
Far below
From below the land dwellers
Ill watch
As your feathers graze the heavens
Ill use them
Ill thank you
Your feathers replacing mine
Your feathers repairing
My tearing
My weary
My torn
Wings
Hopefully Ill soar
Hopefully well soar
Hopefully
One day
Above the heavens

Not suicide related

I feel like I’m on such rocky ground with my ex, although I kinda always was.
He recently cut ties with a couple of local friends he had, due to disagreements (won’t put the topics here). He told one of them to ‘fuck off’. The two friends were also friends with each other. I think my ex has been blocked online by both of them now.
I’m really wondering inside if I actually caused any of this, but not like I cant tell my ex that, he’d just tell me I’m being silly and worrying too much if I did. 😛
He’s also […]

It’s hard not to have these suicidal thoughts every day. I don’t have a solution for my problems after all this time. How much more can I hold on? I don’t know.

There are so many events that stain the soul,

That create a mental prison of infinite pain and remorse, a chasm in my mind deeper than Mariana’s trench.

How does one undo their own terrified actions wrought with the confusion of age and inappropriate exposure?

How does one reconcile all the feelings of self hatred for things they don’t understand and didn’t.

How do you live with yourself even though you attempt to define your moral compass with the utmost ethos possible.

How do you live with yourself?

How do you ever come to accept yourself as a person […]

interesting analogy^ i came across this article sometime in 2018, thought i’d add a few lines of my own and share it here.

observe the images carefully. the one on the left is A and the one on the right is B.

the black box represents a person. the green ball represents grief/pain […]

Downward spiral,

falling forward,

depression wave is tidal,

the ache is suicidal.

let me off the ledge,

a life lived on edge,

anxiety out of control,

the hell has swallowed me whole,

wallow as I wake,

I can’t take another day.
Too broken to ever unbreak.

The coos cold echoes,

sweet terrible whispers,

life feels pointless,

I feel subjugated.
yet there is tomorrow,

and tomorrow, and even a tomorrow after that.
It feels impossible to be comfortable,

it makes each breath a painful exhale,

it makes each smile feel hollow,

wishes spent and moot over birthday cakes,

and it takes.
life takes.

yet there are moments to live and feel alive,

and when they come full circle,

we again rise.
(A response to hopelessness)

Me
And my fellow torches
Deep within the caverns
Cold
Unlit
Me
And my fellow torches
At the entrance
Burning bright
My torch
Is it burning bright?
Has it been burning bright?
Forevermore?
My torch
Has it been cold
Unlit
Forevermore?
Did you
Light my torch
To a crisp?
Did you
Drown my torch
Out cold?
Our torches
The rumble
The wave
The earthquake
The tsunami
How am I to get it back?
Through the bottomless sea
Through the fire
Behind the island
Behind the boulder
Deep within the Earth
My torch
Where can it be?
Our torches
Whatever has become of them?

I often find myself wondering: is there some other version of me, amid the countless alternative universes, who is able to interact with others in a functional way. And if so, what are the differences that allow them to do that? Are there things I could learn, so that I too can deal with people without  behaving like a pathetic weirdo?

It feels like a disposition I was born with. So maybe all the versions that share my dna are isolated losers. But perhaps some had some life experience that jolted them out of that. I don’t know what that would be. What would it take […]

i’m gonna swear a lot, bear with me. it’s 22:22. no one’s enjoying this lockdown. but i seem to like it. university’s shut down, i’m away from toxic people. i’m on my phone, laptop and ps4 for almost the whole fucking day. i’m an 18 y/o guy btw, but it’s super tough living with my family. maybe you’ve heard of a “conservative hindu” family, maybe you haven’t. i REALLY don’t like talking about my family to anyone. not even my closest friends know exactly what i’m going through. i have a strained relationship with my dad from 2011. fucker used to beat me a lot, […]

In the end we all die anyways. The only thing we can control is when and how.

Conversation I had and my thoughts:
Question: How have you been feeling lately?
Response: Better.
Unspoken truth: I’m still suicidal, just not drowning in a pit of despair like I was. I don’t feel the urge to jump in front of a semi right now. The sinking feeling has lessened. That’s still better than I was though.

Question: What about the other thing, are you still cutting?
Response: Yes
Question: Why?
Response: I don’t know.
Unspoken truth: I love the feeling, the pain, and the feeling of relief […]

Not so dear P,
You wanna help me? Huh? You wanna fucking help me? Then stop whispering from that little shadowy corner of my head. Just have some balls and take control over me. Stop giving me those minute rays of hope like they’re helping me. They fucking suck. Your little hopefulness just messes up my mind even more. Just don’t speak if you don’t have any voice. If you really wanna help me then take control over me, fully. Kill your rival– negativity. What? You think this is too hard? Ok then I am a genius so I have a solution for that […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Come
Come hither
Come hither
Come
Come hit
Come hit
Hit me
Like a tidal wave
(Like a tidal wave (tidal wave))
Hesitating?
Hesitating when
Smacked in the face?
By whom?
I havent moved an inch
Are you sane?
Insane?
Im sane
Going insane
Dont look at me like that
You hit
I take
With each and every passing day
I loose another piece
The world should just swallow me whole
Swallow me
Into purgatory
Into the depths of hell
I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere but hell
One moment it’s hell
The second, a marathon
The third, mass homicide
The fourth, peace
The fifth, what […]

no one deserves this much pain.

Birds flying too low

from a bird’s eye view,

can you see them too?

The few,

the abused.
The broken the miserable
coming to you all on cue.

The lay of the land,

the eyes above the trees,

like tinfoil soldiers,

and the lions’ mane, the dandelion seeds.

The sandy waters of rivers with no name,

to you bastardous birds,

I guess life is just a game.

Omniscience must be a *****,

to see all this agony and become immune,

to the pain of others,
Even you above us apathetic,
I hope your soul can still be exhumed.

I hope you are not too far gone,

I think to say for all the shame and the horrific memories,

the clocks that mock […]

I really should stop doing it. Every time I open my mouth I hate myself a little bit more.

there i went, fucking stuff up again. i really would be better off dead

friend: if youre reading this ( i know you arent. i dont even know why im doing this. just in case i guess) anyway…

if youre reading this im sorry. you…..i dont even know what to say. i didnt want to. you know that….why am i even doing this. im sure you wont be gone for long. its for the best though. i know you dont agree with me. i know for the past […]

I’m so fucked up in the way I think and feel. Any idea of bettering myself is immediately contaminated by the way I approach reality. I suppose I’m a severely disordered personality. Avoidance and possibly some form of narcissism. Along with whole new levels of twisted shit I’ve developed as a coping mechanism.

But there’s no normal for me now. No peace. Everything is infected.

I lack the resolve necessary to end it. But I have no idea how to cope with being this fucked up. Which leaves me paralyzed – failing to pursue a better life and face reality, and failing to put myself out of […]

You ever hear that song “Pushit” by Tool? Your poem about your mom reminded me of it. Here: