the people are miss i met in delusions.
I’m in greed to kill me. it’s not worth that.
happiness seems like surreal accompany.
sick of food and drinks, even drugs and air.

I remember when I was happy, or at least content. I wonder now if that’s forever gone. But I plod on in bland obedience to meet life’s demands and expectations all the same. It’s as though some never-ending grocery shopping list..  Just items someone else has scribbled down, and I read and retrieve without investment nor ceremony.. Very mechanical, making the choices in response to what’s written there to select.. Completing the task of grabbing the carrots, and now on to the cereal isle..

Tonight I stayed sober cause work in the morning, and am grateful for work. It’s one thing to stay accountable for. And […]

I’ve seen what’s happening in China since coronavirus outbreak. So many deaths, suffering of all kind, violence against Chinese citizens, people dying and families cant say goodbye, people being sealed inside their buildings to wait to die, crematoriums working aroind the clock, it’s terrible. No hope in a near future. May be all of us will die infected by this virus or infected by globalization because Economy will be broken worldwide if China break down as we all depend hugely from Chinese products, specially pharmaceuticals. (It means there wont be drugs to kill yourself if China stops)

I have seen videos every day since the coronavirus […]

Am I in an abusive relationship or is it just me? I don’t know anything anymore. My dissociation has me so far out of it if I wasn’t smarter I’d swear everything is fake. That I’m not actually here. That what I see as life isn’t real. Idk. Part of me hopes it’s just me but idk. All I know for sure is that I’m becoming more and more suicidal again.

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I’m tired of this life, I’m not satisfied with the way things are and look right now, I wonder if they will change or if I’ll be able to change them.

Sometimes, after a single tear dries, a stain is left to mark its place. A constant and forever reminder of what was lost.
Ive had that tear. I am that stain.
Each and every night tears fall like small stars. They weave themseves through the fabrics of time, each day to the next, allowing me to pass into the next day without passing into the next life.
Sometimes i wish i could just close my eyes, even if for a moment; to reopen them again in some far distant galaxy, far from everything that has brought me here.
I have always wondered; What comes next, […]

Has anyone seen or heard from them? They’ve been quiet a while

for collecting toxins
firearms
narcotica
opioides
laws to infiltrate
official gender robes
corpses

i am for real only suicide idealizing.

to murder is just a hobby. this love of my time is confabulation that adheres to social disorder which can refract to an mental disorder and is at first place a political treat of occurence.

I started cutting again. I stopped for a while but started again and it feels like it’s going to get worse. I’m so tired.

That’s all it takes… a moment. Everything in our lives is affected by every decision we choose to make in every present moment.

Earlier today my Mother chose, in a moment of despair, to go to her closet and get her handgun.

Earlier today I chose, in a moment of awareness, to go upstairs in response to the out of the ordinary noise I heard.

My life could have changed in a moment, and hers could have ended, had I not walked upstairs just as she was about to lock her bedroom door.

I just wanted to remind everybody of how important a single moment in time can be. […]

I’m asking this not because I got dealt a bad hand but rather because I just don’t understand the purpose of life. Even when things were going right in my life I still asked this question and so I’ve always kinda been depressed about life in general. What are we here for? What’s my purpose and whats the purpose of other peoples lives? If this planet will be gone someday then what’ s the point? No one really leaves their mark. That’s just way to make oneself feel better about themselves. 50 years is nothing, 100 years is nothing, 2000 years is nothing, 500,000 years […]

But I can’t.

You say you’re anxious, but you don’t even get panic attacks.

You say you’re depressed, but you haven’t even been properly diagnosed.

You say you’re suicidal, but you can’t even bring even the slightest harm to yourself.

Face it, you’re a fraud.

You’re just a failure.
Weak.

Hate yourself even more.
Kill yourself. End it at last.

But you can’t.
Pathetic.

I lost my job last week. My 5th job in 18 months. I haven’t told my family yet. I’ve signed up for some independent contractor jobs so I can bring in some money. I’m such a coward that I dragged my ass out of bed at 3:30am just to sit in my car all day and maintain the illusion that I have a job…all because I’m too afraid to tell anyone I lost another job. Some agent from the attorney generals office is calling me about the last job I lost. I got an order from the licensing board to appear for an evaluation, so […]

this week i went out with some of the closer friends i have, and noticed that i can actually act normal and conceal everything now. i feel the same no matter what they say, what i say. we watched the film searching and eventually i gave up on killing myself in somewhere hidden.

if you don’t know, searching is about a father searching for his disappeared daughter, i don’t know, it scares me that people’ll look for my rotting body and everything

i don’t know how long it’ll take for people i care to die of old age. i don’t know if i can make it that […]

Life is not fair

Some people are lucky,
Some people are not

Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide

Everything is just only a random chance

The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe

Nothing matters.

One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe.  It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence?  Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary […]