I cant stand it. He treats me like a queen dont get me wrong. But hes just so negitive. He acts like everyone hates him and the worlds out to get him. All i hear all day long is i hate this that and the other thing. Hes doing it right now. Ive talked to him about it before and i understand that hes tired and stressed but that doesnt mean i can handle that much negitivity. I dont want to leave him over this but i just cant do it. Hes been this way for years. I understand you cant change over night. I […]
That civilizing force. Everything’s boring now. It’s all scripted. You have you entire life laid out for you, like noble children of old, only now it’s everybody. I don’t think this is the kind of egalitarianism past generations dreamed of.
Now everything is cheap. Cheap, yet expensive. It’s cheap to make, expensive to pursue. But pursue it, we must. Why? I don’t know, because all the other lemmings are doing it. And if you or I don’t do it, too, the lemming police with baton you in your lemming head. The boundaries are strictly defined – in this world of blurry, hazy transitions, it’s mind boggling […]
It’s been a long time since I published something here, maybe you don’t even remember my story.
Some years ago, I had the oportunity for to begin my PhD, I got all I needed, the scolarship, the place to live, the research grant.
But being all alone in another country made all the things inside come out and I lost the control of my mind because of my depression and social anxiety, eventually got interned in a psychiatric ward, lost my grant and everything else because of that. With no money letf, soul-broken, I had to return home and try to start my life all over again.
Some […]
Hello. You do not know me, but I go by Fern. I was recently diagnosed with depression and perscribed medication. Unfortunately, it does not work very well.
Right now, I’m sitting in my room, because my father has yelled at me. He is NOT an abusive man, but he took out his anger on me and my very young brothers for making a mess. Unfortunately, I am not a confrontational person and let him yell at me.
What was the consequence, you might ask? The removal of my only true antidepressant, video games.
I know he is not aware that this is the only thing […]
I don’t want to be here anymore, but I’m too afraid to die.
I started to imagine what people’s lives would be like without me in it. I wondered what would happen after I died. I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts, suicidal feelings, urges to hurt myself, and feelings of despair.
But there was one thing contradicting that: I was scared to die.
So many questions would run through my head when I thought about actually ending my life.
What if I attempted to kill myself and it went wrong? What if it went right, but in the last few moments of my life I realized I had made […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Here it comes again, the self-loathing. If this makes me retch, I don’t even want to know what it makes others’ feel. It’s a disgusting scream looking for a way out.
Today, the kindest person I have ever known and with the most patience told me he was putting distance between us once and for all. Finally, my fear-centric behavior was too much as well for him to bear. He tried to help for two years, helping through two crisis periods (where a good deal of my understanding of the world crumbled). Nice piece of work from my side to push him away, too.
I find no […]
It connects to the ocean. Give me a month or 2 to get you a better one.
Well, I’m almost 16 years old and a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with depression, and I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for quite some time, but I’m not sure I should do it, because of how my family would react, since I don’t want them to believe it was because of their fault, i also dont want to hurt the feelings of my family, but I feel that the world is crap and doesn’t give you what you really deserve, and that people don’t treat you as they should, I need help, I don’t know what to do, and im really thinking on doing […]
I feel like the biggest waste of space. I feel like I am unwanted. I just want to be accepted. I just want to have friends that always want to hang out. I want to be the one in the picture, not the one taking the photo. I don’t want to be the fifth member, or the other one. I wish I was different. I wish I was happy.
I love having BPD. I love it so much, those abandonment issues. Those rocky relationships. Whenever feelings go south I keep thinking about suicide, I don’t know how to cope normally. I don’t know how to not think about killing my self when I feel negative emotion. I broke up with my boyfriend today and now I feel like dying. This isn’t normal I know. And I’m not going to tell him how I feel. Because that is Unfair to him. But I want someone to know this is how I feel. I’ll never be someone’s number 1
I was talking to my friend today about this and he said that yea I have been an asshole lately and he knows that’s not who I am but everyday I have to try harder and harder not to do something offensive or be an absolute dickhead. I don’t know why I used to always think of myself as the nice guy but for some reason I can’t help it.
I tried to kill myself earlier today by downing a bunch of pills. I haven’t seeked treatment yet and I know that I made a mistake doing that. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t want to hurt my family. I’ve been hospitalized for being suicidal before, I tried to get help then, but they ended up sending me to child protective services because I wasn’t safe to go home and I’m scared I’m going to be sent back there again if I go to the hospital. I know I should go to the hospital, but I’m really scared. I know I’m going […]
The last time I cried in front of my family happened when my mom scolded me for not doing my project in grade 2. Out of the youngest girls cousins, I was the oldest. Oldest in the youngest. I was given the task not to cry whenever there’s a relative who dies so that my cousins will not also cry. For a reason they really like me and follows what I do so they told me not to cry. I never knew why I was so obedient I carried it into adulthood.
You know, it’s lonely. To stop your family from breaking apart. I know this […]
It was only when I was in 11th grade that I really paid attention to myself. During our personal development class we were discussing mental illnesses. Only then did I realize (as I consulted my teacher after class) that I had a phobia of clowns. I thought I was just more afraid than average people who are afraid of it. She then suggested that I try exposure therapy if I don’t want to consult a professional or even our school counselor.
Tried it but failed thousand times. For a few months I just open google in my phone but even before I type the word clown […]
Throughout my childhood I’ve been comfortable with anyone and anywhere since I grew up with most of my male cousins. Sure I enjoyed barbie and disney but often I preferred playing outside with the boys getting dirt all over our clothes, playing with fake guns, playing basketball with most of my brother’s friends, and getting all my clothes from them as I was the youngest of them all. That’s how a girl like me grew up to be kinda boyish. Well I admit I got confused for a while. Nothing new since I attended an all girls school all through kinder to highschool.
Never did I […]
I know i cant be alone. I think everyone hates me. Im seeing anger where they swear up and down they arent. There has to be some way to cope. Some way to figure out what is true vs whats not. I feel like im going crazy constantly asking if people are mad at me. Everytime they say no. Are they lying? Am i seeing emotions that arent there? What do i do?
My world feels evil. Nothing makes sense, and i just want to die.
There’s a suicide in the movie “An officer and a Gentleman”. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie but the scene in question I can recall vividly. The Richard Gere character cradles the lifeless body of his friend who moments earlier took his life and rebukes the dead friend with these questions ” why didn’t you come to me?” ” Why didn’t you talk about it?”. Both those questions strike a chord with me because I HAVE CAME TO MY LOVED ONES and I HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT. There’s is nothing more I can do. I exhibit every sign of a guy who […]
I understand that I am a complete waste of space because of how badly I weigh on people. I’m truly, genuinely sorry I even exist. To have even the smallest impact on someone else is too great of pressure. I have to do good. I have to help. I have to. If I don’t, what was the point of even being here?
But here’s the thing: as hard as I try, I don’t even make an impact. If there’s any sort of effect I have on people, it’s negative and it’s minuscule—so small that it can be ignored.
It’s funny. I put myself in this dilemma. Do […]