I have Medicine that makes me unable to make Memories, unable to know any Perception, no thoughts or things in my Mind that I can sense.

And then I’ll jump.

I think I just have to accept that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I think I have to accept that she just doesn’t want anything to do with me. As much as I try and reach out, I think I’m only making things worse. I just have to accept it. I don’t know how, but I just have to. On the extremely small chance you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Sorry if I screwed up.

Does it ever feel like you live in a house full of strangers? However, the outside world is as clueless too. Every bit of you that they’re supposed to know are the little truths they don’t.

The  world is absurd. Politics are absurd. The news is absurd. Even an absurdist would feel depressed looking at this sheer lack of exploitable material that exists in the present. Everything is doing the work for them already, and there is nothing left to make fun of. It’s all making fun of itself.

Hourly jobs are absurd, and yet countless humans the world over continue to clock in precisely on time every day.

Healthcare is absurd, and yet countless people stress over how they’ll pay for their procedures (in the States, at least) every day.

The economy is absurd, and yet countless people worry that the housing market […]

When I was 3, my father told me that I was the cause of all that was wrong in his life. It was my fault he was stuck married, and that we were poor, and so on.

He told me this often.

From as far back as I can remember, my mother was extremely violent. Beatings until blood flowed, black eyes, and so on. When she was done, she would lock me in the closet. Sometimes for days.

When she came to let me out, the sexual abuse was next.

Both parents were violent, but mom was the worst. My only way to deal was to black it all […]

I’m 21 years old, pre-medical student. I killed myself, some would say it was an accident but I crossed the street aware that the incoming traffic will kill me. I didn’t leave a suicide note, I didn’t need to let my parents know how much a mess I was and they did not do anything to help me. I didn’t want any help I just wanted it to end, I don’t want them wandering the ‘what ifs’ just let them think it was an unfortunate accident.

Why you ask? I barely remember anything at all, new information would go over my head, my temper always rising […]

Ok this is my first post on this website, and it’s pretty much going to be a little bit of a rant. Nobody I know understands me, and hopefully someone online will…
Two days ago, I attempted suicide. I won’t go into detail, since I know that’s not allowed on this website. I’m a senior in high school, and two years ago my parents found out I was self-harming. I’ve been safe since then, but this year, my depression returned, worse than ever. I am well aware that I am luckier than most — I live in a two-parent, middle-class household, get straight As, etc […]

“3-12-2019”
A man jump from 4th floor and die
Its a suicide

“1-11-2019”
The day when I decided to kill myself
There is a mall near my house, it only takes 15 mins to walk
I keep walking around the mall to search the best place to jump
And I found it..
And thats the place a man choose to die
Its a good place he proves it
He die

I wanted this tiny issue resolved, after wasting a whole day on it. So I persisted. I faced my fear. I tried other avenues. I panicked. Now I feel shame. I feel fear. I feel…pathetic.

Some people were nice. Some were alarmed. The minor issue is somewhat resolved, though threads lie untied.

But I feel…worthless.  Pathetic. Inferior. Disgusting. Inadequate. Hopeless. Like the ground should just swallow me up.

Nothing significantly bad will result. Those who think worse of me are unlikely to do anything about it. Nothing major will happen.

But I have exposed myself as unworthy – as inadequate – as weird, erratic, inferior, pathetic. I have allowed […]

Im happy. Im less angry. All things i wanted. Except one. I feel fake. I feel like this isnt me. Overall im happy with my new self excpet for that one thing. But its for the best. Physically health wise it’s good for me. Having high stress levels the way i did was going to cause me to have a heartattack or something. Me. 20 and a heartattack. And i mean why do i feel fake anyway. All it really did was remove the bad stuff. Like how cold medicine kills the bad bacteria. I am surprised that im on day 3 and already noticing […]

An empty space. A canvas of clear paint. That’s what my mind is right now. So, hello? To anyone that might be out there. I don’t really know how I ended up here. Again. After 2 years? But then I guess I kept falling. Down, down, down the rabbit hole.

Day by day, it goes on.

The pain of existence.

Nothing seems to make it go away.

I feel dead already, and have for a while.

Actually, i don’t feel anything at all.

How much longer do i have to put up with this?

I have no idea what is proper social etiquette. I have no idea how to have meaningful interpersonal relationships. I have no idea why I want to have relationships with people. I have no idea how to properly control myself when it comes to trying to be friends with someone. I have no idea how to properly communicate what is in my head. I have no idea why I’m tearing up right now. I have no idea why I haven’t been able to cry for the past few weeks, except now. I do know somethings though. I […]

I waste this much for Drugs.
My Mind is on 100 when I wake up. The Fight/Flight* or rather, get away, love somebody or get lost in People desire is controlling me. I feel addicted, but only when I smoke cigarettes. I do not want this. But, I can not find joy in these People. I miss the People I like, I can not reach them ever. Therapy is hopeless, the strangers, the talks do not satisfy me. The point where I like to stay in a Jail is reached. I would kill if I should. My aches are very hideous, I can not make […]

thats all it ever is with me. i crave attention and will do almost anything for it at times. i act cute for it on a daily basis. all sweet and innocent. back in high school id play with my sleeve. hey look at me i cut again. care about me. hit my head off the wall. pay attention to me. stop me.

im sorry……the concerned look in your eyes haunts me to this day. every time i came back from a smoke. every time i came back from being with them. you could see where i was going and look at that….you were right. […]

I am not beaten down by death, I am beaten down by life.

As I watch how my life is burning away
I am powerless to keep the fire at bay
All I can do is watch it turn into ashes
Helplessly looking how everything crashes
I cry out to for help but no one came
Left alone to be consumed by this flame
Unable to keep everything from falling apart
Unable to escape this trap in which I am caught
What brought this accursed flame?
Am I myself completely to blame?
Did I light the match and set everything on fire?
Trying to conceal that truth like a liar?
I am trying to find the […]

I find people…difficult. Maybe everyone does. I don’t know. Most don’t seem to get so hung up on the little things. There’s this feeling inside of paralysis, of wrongness, when it comes to minor social interactions. I don’t know what’s appropriate. I am consumed by doubt. I fear negative judgement.

Do I insistently bang loudly upon the door until someone answers, or return some other time? Do I wait for that organisation to call me back, or take matters into my own hands, risking later confusion & annoyance? Is my uncertainty a demonstration of foolishness? Of lack of common sense? Would any normal person know what […]

I am a complete mess. I accept that. I love that.

I made a post going on about how much I hate myself, despise my loveless antics, all that jazz. But in all actuality, am I going to kill myself? No. Here’s why..

I love the unpredictability of life. Anything can happen. I can’t sit here and rush shit to just happen. Neither can you. I can’t fix any of you, I can’t fix me. But I’m accepting my flaws and I want to better myself. Not for any of you. But for me. I don’t care if the world hates me. If I never find love. […]

It’s been awhile. I just feel tired and restless this past few months. And I thought I had to visit and open my account here…again. I just need to let go the pain, or lessen.

I laugh, yes. I joke, yes. I dance and sing like a happy person, yes. But deep inside, I am burning. I feel like I’m on fire, it deeply burns the inner core of my heart. I am angry…and mad…and crazy. But I am also weak. My whole body is weak. My mind is weak, and so is my heart. I am drowning…with sorrow and pain. I can’t breathe…no, […]