I just wanted to say I came closer the other day than ever before. I never attempted, only thought and spoke and wrote and read about dying every day for 30 years. But Thursday I made initial covert arrangements to obtain in a hurry what I would need. It has been a relief to know I can get it done when I want. It’s empowering.
Tag:
30 years
So over the past few months I think about suicide daily, this was not me a year ago.
I’m alone most of the time, besides work, I’m 30 years, I have a lot of debt… But most of all its the loneliness.
I have a nervous breakdown Friday and Saturday night regularly. I go out toto try and meet people but as the sun goes down I can feel the panic and my mood start heading down hill so I quickly head for my car and rush home.
I am 63 years old. I was diagnosed with chronic depression almost 30 years ago. I used to be a musician but I’ve been out of work for a long time now. My wife is a nurse. She doesn’t like me anymore. She has her two dogs and they’re what she likes, not me. I can’r seem to do anything but annoy her.
I have no money. I can’t go anywhere, although the best thing would be for us to separate. She’s always giving me dirty looks and acting nervous and anxious with me. All I want is for us to get along but she seems […]
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen my wrists bleed.
I remember trying to slice my wrists in high school, and it accomplished nothing. I received no compassion. Instead people were disgusted and angry, and they scolded me and tried to shame me about it. I remember a slightly older classmate looking at my bandaged-up wrists saying “You’re going to have those scars forever and remember that dumbass thing you did.”
Here I am decades later, and the wrist has healed so well that I can’t even remember which wrist it was…. maybe it was both.
I tried OD’ing, and that was equally unsuccessful.
I didn’t keep cutting […]
I’m 30 years old. Nearly everyone has cheated on me. I think that my boyfriend will if he hasn’t already. There is always something for him that I have to fix about myself. I feel like I can never be good enough. My family is fed up with me complaining about him, because it’s my choice to be with him. I don’t want to break up with him because I remember what it was like to have him fawning over me, and I think that somewhere he cares. I’m so confused, I don’t know who the true person is for him. He’s criticized my weight […]
I don’t really want to kill myself, I just want the pain to end. The fact that I haven’t done it already also makes me feel like I’m a weak person. What an oxymoron, how can I be weak when I’ve been strong enough to get though almost 30 years of suffering with depression. Sometimes the sadness and anger feels unbearable. I have no one to talk because no one in my life understands or really wants to. Because of my depression and mental illness, I was not always a good mom. Now that they are grown, they do things to push my buttons and […]
Sorry I haven’t posted here in awhile. It’s October and the autumn leaves are falling and it’s getting cold again. I think seasonal change is bringing back a lot of the trauma from last year due to the environment being similar. I been in West Virginia for 13 months now. I’m alone, empty, and dead inside just like I was this time last year, just like I was this time 10 years ago. No one to hold, no one to share my life with, no hope for the future really.
While I’m still not suicidal, I often wonder if that post psychiatric ward hope was just […]
I’m trying to accept that I’ll never have a conventionally meaningful life (see previous posts for why.) I may feel this completely alone for the rest of my time in this world, even if I’m with someone. I will never be acceptable to others as I truly am, or part of any community. No one will ever really know me.
Ending my life still seems wrong though. While it would stop my suffering, it would inflict similar pain on my parents, who certainly don’t deserve it. Ruining 2 lives (3 including my sister) to end my own brokenness doesn’t make sense.
The question then becomes how to get through the next 30 […]
Waiting… for someone
Waiting… for some time
Waiting.. Waiting.. why?
Always waiting for things to ‘get better’
Time to ‘feel better’
Better has eluded me for 30 years now –
I think that 30 years is far too long to wait.
I just want to close my eyes and be gone.
Endless waiting vs. endless sleep?
I choose endless sleep
And just when you find a flicker of hope,
you realize all you saw, was a reflection in
the mirror, a glimmer now gone, so too is my resolve
I’ve had this image in my head for the last several weeks. It’s of me sitting in an empty white space, leaning up against a solitary white framed wooden door. I imagine that once I arrived in this white purgatory, I spent a great deal of time beating against the door, jiggling the knob, trying to move on to what’s next. But after a while, I realized that nothing I can do will open the door, so I sit and wait. Occasionally I knock on the door softly, whisper sweet nothings to it, but the door remains firmly in place.
It’s a metaphor for the way […]
I getting closer to 30 years old.
I am currently unemployed.
And apart from a few casual jobs which I could never last in,
I have never worked a day in my life.
I don’t have any friends.
In fact I don’t have any good rapport with anyone.
Which means I have absolutely no references.
I am still on my learners license after 9 years and 3 expiries.
I do nothing all day.
I am lazy and have no motivation.
Is there any hope for me at all?
So, I found out for the first time in 20 years that I was right.. Being married did NOT give him permission.
When I said NO and when I was asleep and woke up with him on top of me it was NOT consensual.
Multiple times over a long span of time I lived in Hell because it was his ‘right’ as my husband.
FUCK YOU – YOU LOUSY MISERABLE SONOFABITCH – HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME? HOW DARE YOU!
HATE and ANGER and DEPRESSION and MISERY and its all because of YOU, YOU BASTARD
I want to SCREAM – all these fucking years like this because I WAS […]
I had no idea there were places were I could write about the possibility of killing my self.
I am just tired of life. I have struggled my entire life to try and find meaning and direction and a path for me to follow but I have never been successful.
I suppose I have done a few things, had a few jobs, bought a couple of houses, had a few relationships and so on, like most people, but I have felt empty pretty much my whole life.
I just don’t and cannot see the reason to be alive. I use the usual distractions that I guess most people […]
today is a dangerous day for me. my husband is currently out of the state. my therapists and shrink don’t work on fridays. not that i would reach out to them anyway. i am alone with my thoughts and my gun. today is not the day i had originally chosen, but what is the difference? it is not going to change things if i wait a few more days. my “funky” way of thinking is not going to be changed. i have tried to explain how this go around has been different than the others. but i don’t have the words. all i can say […]
After years of searching without and within – I’ve decided that the best decision I can make for myself is to die now instead of later.
I’m scared to die because I’ve never died before; however, I refuse to stay and am terrified more of staying here – miserable for no reason at all. I’ve spent 3 years coming to this conclusion, asking questions, researching, you name it. I’ve had 30 years of sheer misery.. it’s time to go and this isn’t an act of desperation. At least I don’t believe it is. I’ll know on the other side. Since we all fail (daily for me), […]
I see people most days that are suicidal. Thoughts, attempts, hospitalized.
I usually get them. Not all of their struggles but I do understand the struggle with death. I call it my dance with death. When the invitation. Becomes so strong and i just want to give over into the strong arms of death. I am exhausted. I am mostly able to see hope for others. But I struggle to find a space where I
can experience my own existence as bearable. I don’t see my life as worthless but unbearable. This constant undercurrent of not wanting to be. I go through times when suicide’s voice becomes a faint […]
Has anyone been physically, emotionally and verbally abused and dumbed-down by their parents from the day they were born all the way into adulthood?
What does one do when they’ve been made useless by their parents and can’t make it on their own?
30 years of waiting for things to get better… just hanging in.
I don’t see this ending in a good way.
Which is it, I don’t even know. Both maybe. I’m 30 years old and mentally miserable with my life. I’m alone and no one understands. I was with my partner for 2 years when she decided to kick me out because she couldn’t handle my depression, anxiety, social disorders and PTSD due to so much trauma, deceit, abuse and neglect in my life. It’s been this way since I was young. I thought my world was complete with her. We did everything together and I was even starting to socialize more with her friends coming over, visiting, us hanging out on the porch together. […]