“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the […]
you lied.
you lied you lied you lied you lied you LIED.
liar liar liar liar liar LIAR
YOU WERE AND CONTINUE TO BE THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN, I FEEL SO ALONE WITHOUT YOU AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME.
FUCK YOU
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WISH I NEVER […]
i’m tempted to do it; to take a butcher’s knife and just cut off the flesh in which his name is engraved. i would take back my power and erase him from me. this vessel is no longer mine. i want to tear off my skin. i feel ashamed and disgusting to have ever been in his control. i have not yet figured out how to un-train myself to sit, stay, and lay down. the fear is embedded in my soul and my entire being.
i’m tempted to do it, if i’m lucky i might just bleed out
I can’t take it
i can’t I can’t i can’t
get out of my head
get out of my head
get OUT OF MY HEAD
I hate him
why did he do this to me?? why did he make me do all those things?? i want to tear my flesh open my skin is fucikgin crawling
I HATE YOU ****** you took EVERYTHING FROM ME
YOU TURNED MY 8 YEARS OF ABUSE INTO 9. THIS BODY IS NO LONGER MINE, YOUR NAME IS ENGRAVED IN IT.
im at my fucking breaking point. i’m VERY close to making an extremely irreversible impulsive decision. would that make you happy, ******???? […]
he gave me everything and nothing all at the same time. i was absolutely convinced that i was in love with him, that he was the only one who could ever truly be with me. because he told me so. he told me that he was the only person who could ever possibly understand someone like me, the only person who could truly make me happy. it was a falsity, to say the least. a sham. i bled for him. i destroyed myself for him. i gave him every ounce of life that i had left in me until i was running on empty. […]
it shouldn’t be this difficult. to get up, to function, to eat, to shower, to wash my face, to clean, to work. it shouldn’t be this difficult. I feel like I continue to hit a wall, attempt to stand back up, and immediately run back into it at full speed. withdrawal isn’t helping. the memory gaps continue to worsen. i barely remember what i did this week. the nightmares have been getting worse. you know what’s my fucking favorite? having a nightmare about abuse, waking up in the morning and thinking it’s over, go to bed that night only for the fucking nightmare to CONTINUE […]
they seldom had a name or a face. they knew everything about me but i knew nothing about them. their anonymity versus my specificity. no name, no face. just words, just abuse. they offered me nothing but threats and love that was a falsity. once caught in the first one’s trap, i was left wounded like a fox in the jaws of a bear trap. with bone showing and flesh cut away, it made me easier to catch. it weakened me. then came the next hunter, the next predator. and the next. and the next. unachievable is my justice as they remain nameless, faceless.
one of my biggest coping mechanisms is songwriting, so I thought I might share something I’m working on. it can be read like poetry I guess, it communicates a lot of the feelings I have about my recent abuser. even though its in present tense, the song is referring to past events. im no longer in contact with my abuser and am on complete social lockdown.
verse a
euphoria
it’s so possesing
can’t stop myself
from obsessing
you hold me close
just to bruise me
why is your love
so confusing
pre-chorus
i’m supposed to feel safe here
but everything’s so cold
you get me so high […]
the disgust. the self shaming and hatred. it kills me. because of the nature of the abuse i’ve endured, i’m left with a body devoid of purity, a husk adorned with scars and tainted with contempt. i am repulsed. i am repulsed with myself, i am repulsed by sexuality because it has not been presented to me as a loving gift, but a weapon. a weapon to degrade me and disintegrate any sense of dignity i had left. a weapon to steal away the power from me, to leave me as nothing but a puppet. a slave. reduced to an object. discarded once they’ve tortured […]
i spoke to my therapist today. i read to her my recent journals to help me evoke emotions so i could actually talk about something. i spoke about how bad the nightmares have been getting, how the paranoia is affecting me, et cetera… and i don’t quite remember how, but we ended up on the topic of the recent violently abusive situation i was in (in august). there was something there that i hadn’t unearthed before? the anger towards my parents. allow me to provide some context: in the situation i was in, i was being blackmailed. my abuser was forcing me to do horrible […]
i often feel like it’s my fate to never be truly happy. as if i’m destined to suffer, that’s my purpose.
many try to make the point of “oh, the bad parts will be over soon”
and to that, I have to ask when? when will they be over? when will they cease to repeat themselves?
it’s a question left unanswered, because the answer is something they don’t want to admit.
The answer is “never”.
for me, at least. I find myself to constantly be a target for abuse, manipulation, pain, et fucking cetera. over and over and over, a never-ending cycle of torture and emotional turmoil.
i don’t have the energy to […]
I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes. Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember. Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it. I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.
I feel sick to my stomach right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. The things he did. The things he made me do. It’s humiliating. I feel so small and hopeless. I just want to forget. Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.
I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this […]
I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]
Dead. Dead, but breathing, to put it simply. I can feel myself deteriorating slowly from the inside. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I can feel it in my bones. At this point, I look into the mirror and I am terrified. Who the hell is that? Is that me?
Is it?
I suppose I look like any other person. I suppose.
My insides are all sick and rot. Like bondage on my organs, the PTSD gets a tighter hold on me every single day. I can’t quite process what happened in August. I know what happened, but it all feels like a fever dream. Do I really have the right […]
I am abused. I’m in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend.
Every day, I get abused by him. Not just physically, mentally too. It’s gotten worse recently… He used to call me fat, he used to call me ugly. But now it has gotten so bad that. He will scream at me, begging me to kill myself. He tells me constantly that I’m disgusting, that nobody wants me (not even him), that I’m worthless, a disappointment, I’m an unwanted, shitty person and that I’m a complete waste of space. On top of all this, my boyfriend started physically abusing me about a year ago. He used […]
I finally pin pointed this anxiety I lie here with, and the sudden urge to Google your LinkedIn account. It has been two years today, since I finally left you. Almost three years of your mental and verbal abuse. You would have become physical, you had shown signs.
I have been better than I could have imagined, two years down the road. I am with a man who truly loves me, and I to him. I had never experienced this love before in my life, it is true. Selfless. Unbiased. Intimate. Trustworthy. Cooperative. He cares for me in a way I have never been […]
Petscop
(Themes/Warnings: Child Abuse, Adoption)
“Do you remember being born?”
Channel (15 Videos)
(About 2-3 hours long)
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZKQv0ZFHpeIUkOtNjtq4KA/featured
Man, I’ve been waiting all week to talk about this all week… I’ve been kind of lazy about it though because of all the links and photos I wanted to share and thought the story behind this might be kind of big. :p Hopefully I remember what I wanted to say and can compile something pretty good and worthwhile…
So like, Petscop is this creepypasta-esque “game” web series with as much interactivity and fame […]
I’ve tried asking for help. Yesterday I outright said, “I’m getting ready to jump off a bridge.”
There wasn’t a reaction. I was honestly considering doing it. I was wishing and on the ground screaming in my head.
“Why am I forced to live? Why can’t I just die. What’s the damn point? Let me die. Let me die!” I’ve fallen asleep like that and the moment I wake up I feel so much dread at the thought that I had to wake up. That I have to deal with another day and no one understands. Why does she not say anything useful when I tell her […]
I was born into a family history of abuse. My female progenitor, “Louise”, (who I stopped calling mother years ago) was raped by siblings and step-parents and ignored by her female progenitor who favored the boys according to Louise. She got pregnant with me seemingly to “catch” her boyfriend, who didn’t take the bait and left. I suspect they were both damaged, shitty, selfish, childish people who couldn’t love. Louise then neglected me from birth and abused me mentally/emotionally for several years as a single mother on welfare.
As an example, when I was a boy of maybe 8-10 years old, I wrote Louise a poetic […]
Fisrt of all I’m not proud of this. I’ve never thought I would be publishing something in a page like this. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
Second, I’m spanish that’s why my grammar sucks, pretty much that.
I have no idea where should I start. I’ve been depressed for a lot of years, I tried to kill myself a couple of times but I didn’t suceed.
Background:
My parents are not together, they divorced when I was eight. My mother started returning really late from work, kids started bullying me at school, but I could handle it, until I was twelve. My father was getting married […]