my life has got so much better. i love it. i got my first love back and everything is going amazing . so no more suiccide and I’m off this website bye bitchez. 🙂
survive my suicide attempt. Only one. Straight forward attempt. I worry if I try again I won’t be successful and I’ll have created even more problems for myself. But I really wish it would have worked back then so that I didn’t still have to struggle. Cause pain. Live a meaningless life filled with unfinished projects, poverty, sadness, shame, isolation, regret. I just wonder what’s the fucking point to any of it. Why did I survive. My life has no grand purpose. I’m just another shmuck trying to get by, trying to stay sane, powerless, defeated and over it. I want to try again but […]
I was setting up the Christmas tree, bittersweetly aware that it would be my last Christmas, when my (grownup) son joined me for a bit, and reminisced about bits of decoration – a garland he had made in primary school – little fake parcels he had thought as a kid to contain lollies, only to discover to is great disappointment  that they just contained tiny blocks of styrofoam – no matter how many of them he opened LOL
For some reason that broke through to me. All the sudden the abstract “my sons love me” became alive again.
So lets just say, I am now a bit […]
The two sexiest men in the world exist as ghosts. We know they’re there, but they’re unreachable and untouchable, and only make themselves available to the most unworthy people at random, and then disappear back into the void where they can only be admired from a distance and torture the heart and soul of the one who would truly care.
——
In the end I’m always alone. Always forgotten. Not important. Never was enough to be more than a passing thought only because I dared to insert myself.
Hazy, remember when you said I should die my hair pink?? Well this happened tonight and I LOVE it. It’s not pink but it is so me! I actually feel really good! Thank you for being such a good person 🙂 you really do make a difference. Now I am sitting back and waiting on the backlash.
I saw one of my exs a little bit ago. At the bar we ust to work together at. He’s the one who punched me in the face one night. It doesn’t matter why he did. All these emotions came rushing back. Fuck. I’m overwhelmed. Depression settles again, it was a good past few hours. And it came to an end quickly once again. I want to go home.
Things
I have done terrible things
Things to make you shiver in the dark
Things that make even my own skin crawl
I want them back, to take them away
I hurt others, so badly I cry
It wasn’t me! I scream
It was them! I can’t help it!
Please, you have to believe me
The things that lie in wait
To rip me apart
To make me rend and tear
As they watch
It’s the demons that lurk beneath the skin
The ones only freed by razors
Death is to begin again
Right?
They beg me to stay
I beg them to let me leave
I don’t want to hurt you anymore
I don’t want to make you bleed
No you must stay
You must endure
You […]
Sorry, long post…
I’ve been very well for quite a while, but in the last two months, depression has crept back in. I’ve been reading SP for a while now, again, after a long absence. After a long and slow build-up during the last few weeks I’ve today finally come to the decision that my life will end. My sons have reached adulthood, they were always the main reason for me to fight on, and they are still a good reason to do so, but not with the same absoluteness than when they were still underage, and I was the absolutely only family they had.
Well, I […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m drunk so if any of this is kind of drunk sounding… lol
I spent the last 8 months planning it. Now someone I thought was gone is back in my life. Kind of, anyway. Don’t know what I should do. I set everything up. I made sure everything would be as hard as possible to fix and get put back together in my life so I couldn’t chicken out. Even if I an turn it around, what would be the point? Is there even a point to life, or a place in it for someone so screwed up?
Im sitting in the back room at the bar I ust to work at. Waiting for my friend to have free time from the tables shes serving. My heart is racing in the pit of my stomach. I want to vomit. My head hurts. Im crying and I dont know what to do anymore. I need help.
So, I changed my mind. What changed my mind?
I was ready to go through with it. I was tired. I still am. I cant sleep at night, I cant handle the flashbacks of every horrible thing that has happened. But I still decided to stick around.
When midnight hit, I took my rope and the book I write my dark things in to my peaceful place. I wanted my family to find my book and realise how messed up I had been for the past few months.
I sat there smoking weed and drinking gin for a while, enjoying the peace one last time on […]
(Excuse the fact that I’ve probably repeated myself a lot, any typos and grammatical/punctuation errors — I’m very tired, team.)
“Same as usual?” The bartender scrubbed down another mug whilst gazing over at me.
“…you know it”, I replied, with weary eyes and short yet unruly hair.
“Looks like you’ve been at it again. I don’t s’pose you managed to get away unscathed this time, eh?” Placing the mug down, she slid across my glass before leaning on one arm, staring at me.
“Oh no, they got a decent hit in. Took a souvenir from my mouth, along with a couple other discrepancies”. I threw back […]
I told my sister I was sick and she didn’t believe me. Not until I mailed her a suicide note and travelled to a far away destination where I booked a cottage to kill myself. She sent me a lot of texts telling me how much she loved me but it was too late. Ingested the poison but was discovered by one of the custodians, rushed to hospital and later shipped back home where I was committed to a psyche ward.
All this happened  2 months ago. I am still here and still standing. Trying to recover from that nasty experience is not an easy task. Finding […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a8qBSxHUJY
I can never stop thinking. My thoughts just keep going and going and its wearing me down. I just seem to have these thoughts daily, its been the normal for a long time. For as long as I can remember, one that that goes through my head is my father. He passed away when I was only a year old and not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. Another thought, more of a memory, is the one that wears me down the most. Her. The one I have written about so many times. The one I have written about where […]
The only thing keeping me here is I really want to find myself again and see if I am any happier. So here is a really long vent.
6 years ago I was a teenager. I drove drag cars, I worked 2 jobs, I spent my days off working on my street car, I was a huge canabis smoker. I had a place to live and a room mate, and when I threw a party people came from miles around to be there. I would leave and catch a plane and go places on a whim because I wanted to get away. I was losing weight […]
The past hour has been dedicated through reading posts, comments and conversations on this site. It sort of helped relieve this constricting feeling in my chest, to know that there are others experiencing the near exact feelings that i’ve kept to myself for years. As well as finally feeling like this is a safe place to discuss aforementioned feelings.
I’ve had a private journal for some time on another site. I like to use it to attempt to look back at my past mind sets, and see that i’ve progressed past those terrible moments in time. Lately though, the entries have become painful reminders and bring […]
I know it isn’t healthy but I self medicate with alcohol to deal with my depression. Â Everybody thinks it’s a good thing that I drink a lot “Oh there he goes again at the bar! What a cool guy” or “Wish I could drink all the time like he does”. Â Going to the bar is comforting. Â I really like to see all the different people hanging out enjoying themselves. Â I almost always go alone, so the staff there kinda started to talk to me and I’m pretty good friends with them now I guess. Â But they aren’t really friends per se, just loose acquaintances I […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
so i thought my roommate would be gone the whole weekend but she came back today. and she was on speakerphone with her mom in the other room. and i heard them talking about the rent so i started listening. and then they were talking about the dishes of my mine that she stuck in a garbage bag in front of my door.and her mom was telling her to be nice and to do them for me but my roommate kept telling her she was just going to throw them in the dumpster.then she was telling her mom how shed be really happy if she […]