I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to die. People think it’s bad to cause loved ones pain like that. I don’t really care too much anymore if my family is sad about it. They helped make me like this, they treated me like crap when I already had to deal with a girl who ground my heart into dust, friends who weren’t so friendly, borderline failing grades, and social anxiety. Now it’s forward in time, and they treat me like I’m a rare jewel. Trying to feign care now that they know I’ve sat in my room with a gun in hand, waiting for the extra milligram of willpower to end it. They piss me off way to much. I hate them. I don’t want to see them anymore.
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I’ve been pretty depressed and anxious ever since. And my mom just found out I failed 3 of my classes last tri, and she said she’s gonna take my phone and car away if I don’t get better grades. That really worries me because my music is on my phone and I rely on my music daily. Everything’s getting a lot harder to deal with. If I see him in the cafeteria at school, I get sick to my stomach and I usually don’t end up eating very much, if at all. I feel like a failure. A disappointment. A mistake. I feel like the only thing I’m good at is letting people down. I don’t know why they have such high expectations of stupid little me. I’ve never cut, but I’m getting so damn close. I want to reach out to friends, but I’m really worried that they’ll look at me differently. I guess that’s why I’m here. I’m looking for support/help.
I know I always talk about my ex, but I can’t help it. He is a piece of my depression. A huge piece. I just want to tell someone… I haven’t checked my text messages in 11 days. I turned alerts off. I don’t even know if I have any new messages. I quit cold turkey. It’s like smoking. If he were a cigarette, I would be 11 days cigarette free. The problem is I don’t know if other people are messaging me. It’s not a big deal, it’s not as if I have a ton of friends… they have other ways to get in contact me if they wanted to.
As soon as I turned my messages off on my phone I felt so much relief. I stopped having panic attacks and my suicidal thoughts decreased. I still think of death, but… I was a mess before. Being away from him is good for me. I definitely can’t be his friend like he wants. I feel bad though. I completely cut him off. I know he isn’t as worried about it like I am. His thoughts are on himself, as it should be. And I know he must be tired of me. I wish him well, whatever he is doing…
I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was yelling (this is hardly the first time and it’s not even a huge deal) and I just completely lost it, I started sobbing right there. I couldn’t even keep quiet and she noticed and asked why I was crying, and to make it worse I’m pretty sure my grandparents might have heard me too. I kept trying to put a hand over my mouth to not make noise but then my nose made noise when I gasped, and then I just pinched it too, which finally made me quiet but then I couldn’t breathe so the gasping just got worse and when I let go to breathe it was still bad.
I’m such a fucking failure. This was the absolute worst possible time to completely melt down and yet there I was. I look like I’ve been crying and am still trying to hold back tears now. Honestly I don’t know how I’m supposed to face any of them; this is so embarrassing.
Jesus, I really need to cut. I wish I’d brought my blades with me here. How am I supposed to get over this?
Here’s me with my parents a few months after I was born. Dad was 24, Mum 22. They died 18 months apart (2002/2003) both were only 61 years old. They always said “when we retire we’ll…….”
I sometimes think that if there was such a thing as the devil and I would make a deal with him/her. I would have them back and allow them to have the retirement they deserved. I don’t value my soul that highly anyway, so no loss to me.
so over my short period of life iv had to deal with addictions because of this fucking void that needs to be filled so in high school it was weed I smoked weed everyday to till this fucking dark hole and then after I left college guess what that void needed next alcohol so I went though a period of drinking everyday because that void didn’t like weed no more then the void needed food so I eat and put so a hell of a lot of weight but then the void didn’t need food just the alcohol was enough to keep it filled so I lost all the weight and was a alcoholic so then I stopped drinking for 3 year now but guess what THAT FUCKIN VOID HAS FOUND FOOD AGAIN !!!
Life is too stressful as it is to be fat depressed and suicidal and have to think about my weight for god sake give me a fucking break what more do u want from me u can have my life I don’t want it no more anyways kill me now
When life has tainted you, it’s permanent. No matter how hard you try to change or deal with whatever issues it caused it doesn’t go away, because it is now part of who you are. At least that’s the case with me I can’t necessarily speak for others when it comes to this. I was sexually molested as a child and growing up all through my life. Not constant but there were intermittent instances and only 2 were more serious cases. I try to ignore the fact that it happened I never really think of it and I continue with my life. But the truth is I’m damaged and no matter how far I try to run from it my whole life has some how been about sex. Like that is all that I exist for and it fucks with my mind. Who am I kidding though it’s all in my head I’m just over analyzing things and creating problems that don’t exist. I’m suffering again and I don’t know what the right thing to do is or if I do know then what I don’t is HOW to do it.
I have an event to go to on Tuesday and it’s kind of a big deal. I’m getting an award. But my producing partner just had her marriage of 10 years blow up and instantly started jumping into rebound sex with some actor who she plans to take to the red carpet event.
I should mention that she’s pretty damn attractive. Tall, thin, blonde, straight… she’s going to look great.
And here I am now not wanting to go because I’m going to be stag, and I’ve never hated my body more than I do right now.
So here I am genuinely looking online to find a non-sexual female escort for the evening that doesn’t mind being a woman’s date… and honestly, I’m not sure which situation sounds worse, and it’s not like I can afford it either.
I’m sure this would all seem like some whacky fun adventure you laugh at in hindsight, but it doesn’t help that I’ve never been more suicidally depressed in my life. I feel like I’m bailing water out of my soul to avoid getting to the point where I do just hang myself.
That day feels soon, and this doesn’t fucking help.
I’m going to get so fucking drunk at this thing and torpedo my career. I just don’t give a fuck anymore.
I think the last time I self harmed was last Saturday or Monday I didn’t use a razor this time i used my knife haven’t used it in months it’s a different feeling then using a razor with the knife I’m calm relaxed hands steady but with a razor I’m nervous and hand Shanks but it’s really weird they both give of different pain and feelings of release what other way can u deal with emotional pain ? But in a way I like it I feel I deserve it
Hmm… I can’t exactly be sure why I decided to come to this site, to post about it… But i need to get it out and off of my chest to people who i don’t know. I don’t want my friends and family to know how i feel.
I’ve been depressed as long as i can remember. I remember as a little kid crying and asking my mom weird questions such as
“How do you know if you’re depressed?” “What is depression” “Is depression feeling sad all day?”
I was probably only 6 or 7- but my dad had very bad depression so it wasn’t not talked about in my household.
I don’t know why i feel this way. I am an only child, have been spoiled, two parents who have been together for 20+ years… why should i be allowed to feel this way?
My depression and anxiety probably really hit when i was about 11… I started to cut myself, bite myself, smash my head on my bedposts- without anyone knowing of course- but i just felt like i had to hurt myself, i LIKED to hurt myself. This had went on for years, and in 8th grade when i was 13/14 everything completely went down hill when my best friend died.
I would cut myself, lay in bed all day except when i was at school, and just listen to music in a dark room until i could sleep.
Life just seemed pointless. I had only 1 real friend, and when he died i just… I didn’t know how to deal with myself other than to just lay there in hopes to feel better.
It was probably… 7 months later that i met my now Boyfriend of 2+ years.
Now, a lot of people tell me that i’m very upbeat and that i make everyone happy, so i didn’t tell my boyfriend for months about my problems, but i did finally open up about how i felt.
How i would cut myself, how i would try to gather the courage to shoot myself and cut deep enough to bleed out…
Things… got a bit better when we were in the ‘honeymoon’ stage, i thought about him more than i did my depression. But of course that ended and fuck am i worse than ever.
I’ve been on so many anti depressants, therapy, but they all say nothing is wrong with me. Of course they would say that though, Like i said, i’ve a very ‘happy’ seeming person. I don’t tell people how i feel in fear of rejection and in fear of being weird.
My parents had always made it clear to me that depression is something to be ashamed about, something that is disgusting and to never let anyone know, and when i tried telling them i would get in trouble for ‘pretending’ something was wrong with me.
Now, I’m 16. I should be having the time of my life, the peak of my age. I have my drivers license, a car, a job, a loving boyfriend… what could i ask more for? Ugh.
I’m still depressed, i’m suicidal. All i think about every day and night is ‘When will i be alone, when can I have the opportunity to off myself?’
I feel pathetic. I dropped out of school, All i do is cry and sit on my computer all day, I over eat to the point i vomit, I feel like the only way i can keep control of myself is by cutting myself- it feels like the only thing i can hold onto. I can’t lean on anyone. I feel guilty even telling my boyfriend I feel sad- Fuck. I HATE looking into his eyes and telling him when i feel suicidal, to see him break out into tears, cry, and beg me to stay with him. I hate waking up to see him crying because he ‘can’t make me happy’ and i know thats all he wants. So I’m trying to keep myself smiling for him.
It feels like all teenagers my age are already popping pills and crying out depression. So i deal with a lot of people coming to me and telling me they want to die. I try so hard to help people, I just want everyone else to be happy. I just don’t want to tell people how i feel, but i am an artist of sorts… I draw a lot of… Self harm and sad pictures and post them to deviant art, but thats the only way i /try/ to… i don’t know… Call out for help?
I just know someday soon is going to be my last. I know i’m going to kill myself soon and i don’t know what to do with myself.
I feel like a spoiled brat.
Thank you to everyone who took some time to comment on my post last night. I was in a dark rotten place. (As you can see if you read through the comments.) I’m still there, to be honest, but at least I’m still able to write about it.
Here’s the music I mentioned. (Headphones recommended so the bass can come through better).
I wrote it in just a few hours, to distract myself from not being able to get online. For me, when I’m stuck here in bed at home, not being able to get online is a big deal, because it sort of feels like I’m “stranded”.
Right now I’m still partly stranded, since we’re having a big blast of ugly winter weather, and I’m not going to be able to get out for another day or so.
Anyway, here’s the music. I called it “Testing The Waters” because I was testing to make sure my new composition/notation software worked on the laptop.
I just wanted to say I like this site everyone is friendly and supportive I no everyone has their own Demons to deal with and the battle isn’t easy with mental health depression anxiety suicidal thoughts etc if the world was to support each other like we do in here the world would be such a nicer place to live in hopefully things get better for all of us
i am reeling from the death of both parents in a two month span. trying to deal with a slew of health problems. having an alcoholic husband. suffering from life long treatment resistant depression. and there is that suicidal demon inside who never misses an opportunity to point out how easy it could be to go. it tells me at seemingly random times i could do various things to end this sad life. six months ago i set a deadline. that day was yesterday. how ironic that yesterday i got the first check from my parents banking accounts. i can’t do that to my brother. i have to stay for him. but it is persistent and opportunistic. and depression never takes time off. i am trying to overcome. without meds. i am willing to give meds another try but the psychiatrist wont see me. i am looking into tms. all of this is pointless if the demon won’t let up. i am afraid. afraid this will be the year the demon wins.
So it is happening again, the depression and urges of suicide are growing stronger. The temptations are so hard to resist it’s like a chain I can’t escape this feeling. Why live an unhappy life? Depression is lifelong so why put up with this misery? It’s not environmental, I have a good job, good friends… it’s more like a riptide pulling me in no matter how hard I try to swim away.
Here is my story: like many of you my childhood was abusive, I was preyed on early and there are things that happened that I can never forget. I coped with drugs starting in high school, which only snowballed as time went on. I tried to kill myself for the first time in high school, when I was in 13. I went to a good college but the depression got so much worse that I could not attend class let alone leave my bed. I would cry or sleep all day. In college I tried to kill myself a few more times. I ended up going on medical leave and never coming back. I ended up dropping out and working full time. Post college were three more attempts. At a certain point it seems inevitable. I can’t hold down a relationship, I can’t find a way to think long term when I know I will end up dead.
Suicide is a struggle it really is. I hate when people say it is selfish because the hardest thing about thinking seriously of suicide is the people you will hurt through that action. Every day I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish these feelings would stop. And I’ll get a new job, things will go well for two weeks or so, and then the urges will come back with a vengeance. I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t deal with this everyday pain. I need help but I have tried medication and therapy and exercise and meditation – I try everything they say will help but nothing helps. I just feel like some people cannot deal with this cruel reality, and I’m among them. I feel like I am not truly living but in a limbo between life and death. The other side is pulling and tearing at me, I feel my time is soon. I can’t bear hurting my family but the pain I feel is too great to stop. I’m sorry for writing so much I’m just in a bad place right now and feel so helpless.
Why while everything is going fine, when I know how to deal with things and how to solve my problems do I refuse to be ok?
Why if I know everyone matter and everyone is valuable I just don’t know what to do with that?
Why do I feel so rejected? So inevitably rejected for all I am?
Why do I apologise all the time for what I am? Why can’t I stop apologizing? I hate to apologise for even breathing.
Why do I need to hear from others that I am ok? I need it every minute. I keep all day looking for someone to tell me I am ok. And I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s becoming an addiction. I just can’t get enough.
And I don’t want to need to be ok. I don’t want to do anything. I want to stop crying. I want someone to listen to me for real, but I don’t belive the people that tell they are listening.
I feel so out of place, so imprisoned in my self rejection. And I come back to this same point once and again.
Please don’t tell me I am ok, don’t. Just talk to me, help me out of here. Out of this, what ever it is.
I don’t understand how someone with so much love in their heart can kill someone so young. I don’t get it.
But I have a question for all of you:
If you have had a family member or a friend or lover that was a murderer, do you still love them, or hate them for the crime they have committed? Or do you hate the crime they committed and still love them? I would like to know. I know it is personal, but I am at a loss for words at what has happened and need to know I am not the only one who feels the same, because I still love this guy, he’s my best friend, I just hate what they have done, and am sad that they’ll probably be put to death and die alone in a cold chair by injection, or suffer in a cell. I know that it is best that they get the sentence they get (I don’t know what they’ll be given yet) but I am sad for the family he destroyed and the fact that he destroyed my heart and his other friends by doing this.
So I ask if any of you have gone through this? I
have no idea how to deal with this.
I’m gay, this is the first time I’ve said it to others. I’m to scared of living with myself if I come out because of the people around me, but I feel like I’m dying on the inside. I have people I care about and people I love, but I don’t want to put them in this situation of having to deal with my gay ass. I have a gay friend I like but she’s the definition of a hoe, but she has her moments. Then I have a straight friend that just leaves me breathless every time she speaks. I want to just be me but, nobody wants to go out with someone covered in scars and has shitload of problems nobody knows about. Then their is my unpredictable catholic parents that I love but might just get rid of me if I tell the world. I know life isn’t easy, but fuck nobody told me I’d have to deal with this bullshit and balance those problems out with my already established anxiety, Insomnia, and appearance issues.
Lately I’ve tried to respond to posts here on SP and for some reason they don’t show up. Wtf? Even SP is rejecting me. I am at the end of my rope. I’m unemployed and can’t find a job and I’m going to run out of money soon. I’m scared and alone and freaking out. I just want to sleep forever and not have to deal with this nightmare called life. I wish I could find the strength to over come my fear of failing at my suicide attempt. The method I have access to takes about 24 hours and I’m scared of getting found too soon and of the suffering before death. I just wish I could find a job and be able to support myself again. I also wish I wasn’t so alone in life. It should be easier to die but it’s not. Sorry I just needed to rant. Maybe if I continue to feel this way I will find the courage to end it.