In the mood for some Hicks today…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4R4UeIqgmU
Tag:
effort
With those judgey eyes
they try to stare into our minds
but they never get past our
appearance.
They only believe what they
see and hear.
Anymore would take too much
effort.
Instead of talking with calmness
they simply yell with frustration.
If they actually listened, understood
we wouldn’t be like this.
Their blinded ‘perfection’ constantly
crushes our sad reality.
We are shattered
and they still hold the hammer.
Everyone seems pretty adamant I’m going to college tomorrow. They don’t understand that I don’t need college, I’m doing a bakery business and I’m going to write. Wasting my time and effort at college doing art is stupid when I could be writing, or starting up the bakery.
I gave a hint about me not going, and my mum blew up at me on several occasions today. Great. I need to just avoid it all week until Friday, and tell my therapist. She’ll get it across into my Mum’s thick skull that I don’t need college. I’m going to fail anyway so why drag it out […]
It’s like I’m stuck in limp mode like a vehicle does when something seriously goes wrong with it. Even when I’m not in a depressed state I find myself conserving energy in everything I do. I’ll have a piece of toast for breakfast instead of eggs because it’s easier. I won’t do my hair or wear decent clothes (laundry) if I’m not leaving the house (which is at least 5 days of the week). Then when I do leave the house I do the bare minimum to just not look like a complete slob. It seems like complete laziness, but I just can’t seem to justify making […]
It feels so nice to say these words and actually mean them.
“I’m okay.”
I just came out of the psych ward today. It wasn’t bad in there. I met a few souls whom I spoke to and connected with on a very different level.
I know I’d been saying all along that the one thing I feared most was being admitted there and being seen by my classmates. But when I was there, I actually didn’t give a fuck. I was there to fix myself.
I’ve made a decision. This is a very serious and important decision for me and I hope I stick to it. No […]
To be honest, I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. Nothing particularly bad happened I’m just so unreasonably miserable.
Today, I’m so desperately wishing that the human body wasn’t built to survive, and that it wasn’t so difficult to die. I wish I knew how to use a gun, because if I did I’d shoot myself since I have access to a gun. I wish all the useless leftover antidepressants I had would kill me if I took them all. Maybe the lexapro would since I’m allergic.
I wish I knew one person who was kind to me, I wish I had friends. I wish […]
Anxiety? Social, specifically. I do – mine is so bad that I’m totally non-functional in life. I can’t do what other people do without extreme anxiety. I don’t see this getting better, at least not without a heroic effort (which I don’t have in me anymore, and anyway, I’d have to spread my heroic effort energies among lots of other problems which would mean none would truly be solved.) So, anyone…?
I am feeling so damned depression, feel myself nearing the outskirts of stability. So sick of fucking living in my mind. Wish I could talk to people, and extract some joy out of it. Wish that I felt wanted, wish I had something to interact with socially, and I don’t want it. It’s all a fucking joke. It’s all my mind, my brain chemistry, my destiny maybe (?), I got no fucking clue what it is, perhaps it’s my ever dwindling and fluctuating self confidence. I have no ability to focus, all I do is mindlessly watch television. I look at sp, and the posts […]
Wanting the ultimate adventure, I took the chance. To experience death while alive. Seemed like the ultimate. It’s been something. The last four years have been spent on rock bottom. I won’t make the effort, I can’t. And then I do. Thank you, Leonard Cohen.
So…in a couple of hours I’m going to be seeing my GP for the first time in a verrrry long time. I’m on medication for high blood pressure because I’m overweight. Problem is I’m a lot heavier than the last time I saw him, so my BP is probably through the roof. He’ll be wanting to know why that is. How can I explain to him why I stuff myself with food when I still trying to figure it out myself! The real problem is that hubby insists on sitting in on these 10 minute slots with the doctor. Maybe I should […]
You lay awake in bed at night wondering where every little thing went wrong.
You create amazing friendships hoping they will spark into something intimate. You spend days, weeks, months and occasionally years talking to someone only to one day realise the effort disappears and you find that you are now the instigator. They never message you first, or call or whatever. It’s up to you.
Then one day you decide “okay, I’m not going to start the conversation this time. I will wait for them to instigate it.” Next thing you know you it’s been a few days and then weeks and months and you realise […]
I haven’t really planned much I’d like to do in my final days or weeks. I see others like to treat themselves to an expensive meal, or visit somewhere special before they go. Me, I just don’t want to give my children’s father the chance to continue poisoning their minds against me for the rest of time. So maybe writing something for both of them to read when they’re older…. I don’t know. It all seems like so much effort. I’m beyond exhausted, every day is damage control. What about you? Have you thought of some things you’d like to do before it’s your time […]
I almost hate that my daughter loves me so damn much. She makes it so hard for me to leave this world. I’m sure many people read that as a positive thing, but really it’s torture. I often spend so much effort just trying not to resent her for it.
I have a decision to kill myself in the head but at the same time I have people who are trying to help me. They want to add psychoanalyst to my psychologist and psychiatrist. Also I am supposed to have a support person who would meet me I don’t know once a week. I feel like its too much. Too many people putting their nose into my business. And it feels like so much effort for nothing.
I don’t see anything changing my mind. Of course I can’t tell them my real thougths. Or maybe I should. I am hospitalized already… Ah I’ve been […]
There is nothing wrong with my life. Everything is perfect. But I am feeling so down, so sick, so bad.
I am so scare of failing my suicide attempt. I can’t move. I wont try it, I know it, and I hate it.
I am scared of men, I am scared of women too, I hate living. And yet, everything is going as each and every little thing should go. People are nice and everything is ok. Except my head.
I wish I was different in a deep unconscious way. But there is this part of me that’s rotten and that I can’t heal. I don’t know why. […]
so i was recently dating this guy we dated for almost two years… as you can probably imagine i was or still am in love with that guy… he messed up many times during the relationship and i always forgave him everytime! in november he started acting weird with me and he didn’t really seem to care about our relationship that much he would ignore me when we would go to family parties and just text me even thought i would be right there. i made me feel bad like he didn’t care! soon enough he became more distant we would go to dates and […]
Life is depressing
Life is frustrating
Life is a lot of effort
Life is painful
Life is a lot of bills
…and never enough money
Life is one struggle after another after another
Life is full of bad people, greedy people, and people who will stab you in the back
Life is full of racists, bigots and sexists
Life is full of corruption
Life is unjust and unfair
Life is trying so hard and still getting nowhere
Life is cruel to those born in poverty, living in poverty, born with disabilities or those living with disabilities
Life is not a life when you have no energy to do anything
Life is not happy for god knows how many people
All my life I’ve studied and worked like a dog to achieve success. Now, at 27, from the outside, it looks like everything is perfect – money, friends, girls. Inside, however, I’ve been battling anxiety for 9 months now. Every day I wake up and I dread the next bedtime. I fear I won’t be able to sleep well and everything I built up will slowly turn to dust as insomnia destroys my life.
Then, most nights, I actually do sleep well. The fear stays, though, and gnaws at me constantly. People say, “Let’s meet next week!” And I’m not certain I’ll make it to next week.
I envision catching […]
Memories are flashing through my head constantly now like a movie stuck on replay. All of my mistakes and superficial triumphs… In an effort to escape them, I resorted to my old self-harm habits: hair pulling, scratching, biting and eye gouging… With the very hand that is trying to rip away the past reflected in the eye above, so will it end the future. I find it ironic that if I came to SP sooner, I might have not “thrown away my ex due to depression” venting on here instead. Oh well… That superficial nymphomaniac probably would have dumped me anyway since I might as […]
I don’t even know if you really like me. You seem to put an unusual amount of effort into trying to talk to me, but maybe that’s just the way you are. Maybe you’re just nice. You are nice. Always. Even when you seem miserable. Not in a shiny, happy, fake way, but a sad, resigned, kind way. You’re probably the most enthusiastic person I know, and you put so much effort into weird little gestures that no one really appreciates. It’s like you actually care or something. I don’t see that often. Sensitive people are rare around here.
I catch myself wanting to stop work and look […]
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