my whole life feels like i’m living a lie. i wish i could run away from it all. most nights i cry myself to sleep, sometimes i want to die, but i’m always so damn depressed. school is hopeless. nobody cares anymore. i need to get away. get away to a place that i can finally belong. why does everything seem to make it worse? people pretend they care but i know they don’t give a shit. i’m sorry if i sound like a whiny ***** but i need an outlet for my pain…….
My mum had always romanticized death. I suppose she thought she’d pass away, be found, and after some tears and a funeral, people would get over it. To say she was wrong is a vast understatement. I know my mum, and if she knew things would have turned out the way they did, she never would have done it.
Being that this is posted in what the effects of suicide has on friends and family, let me dump it all out.
I last saw my mum on a Friday and told her I’d pop by on the upcoming Monday or Tuesday. She seemed totally fine. I woke […]
I wrote a previous post about me finally having the opportunity to see a psychologist. I also mentioned how I am going to end it all in a month.
Please hear me out:
I want the answers. I want to hear it from a real psychologist, the things I have. I want to know if there’s something else. I want to know if I have OCD or if its something else that makes me react at times. I want to hear the doctor confirm that, yes, I do have depression. Yes, I do have something. Yes, all my self-diagnosing was correct. I want to hear that I […]
I’m finally going to go see a psychologist.
I set up a meeting for next week.
I don’t know why I am doing this. If most of y’all have followed some of my posts, I stated my decision to end it all in a month.
I guess I just want to hear the problems directly. You know, self diagnosing? I say, before I die, I want to hear it formally. A real diagnosis.
How can I really die if I’ve never heard a professional confirm it?
But hearing it all is, ultimately, not what I want either.
Its just another reason to point out and […]
Okay, so i’ve been suicidal for a while now, always trying to overdose and shit like that. but up until now its never been all of me that wants to die, I remember my therapist would ask me how much (out of a percentage) wants me to live and it’d always end up being 50% or lower, as i’d always regret my decisions the next day, but recently i’ve not been regretting and ive come to realise that no part of me wants to live.
I just want to know what happened, what happened to the leftover spark within me which has finally gone out.
It may just be the caffine crash talking but i feel like shit. There is a hefty amount of optimism in my mind about he future. But i have doubts and i dont have the energy to do all I’d like to do. Also that pesky anxiety though the aforementioned(in another post) ashwaghanda is helping. I pray. I didn’t always but i pray a lot nowadays. Even if it just in my mind it helps. Depression is just a *****. I think of death and life evenly now. It’s not a battle more of a friendly debate between respected rivals. I’m just hoping that my […]
Just watched the documentary on the Golden Gate Bridge was a good documentary about suicide there was one story that stood out to me there was this one man who wanted to be a manager of a games store the day he committed suicide he got the call for the job he wanted it shows you never know what’s round the corner I hope things get better for all of us I hope soon the light will shine though the darkness I hope our path will be lit up so we can finally know where we are going
It’s taken quite a while to get Login details sorted out, but finally here I am. I’ve read other people’s posts for a several months, but it is good to have a voice on SP at last. So hello to everyone.
What brought me here is probably the best place to start my tale. I was searching on the Web for methods, and SP was one of the results because of the word ‘suicide’. It’s good for people to have somewhere they can go and discuss freely what’s happening to them and not have to bottle things up inside.
Anyway, back […]
I can’t wait any longer, all I can think about is how useless I am, how I’ll never get good at drawing, how I’m a burden on my family and everyone I meet. I just can’t wait any longer, tonight I want to take my life. I’m not doing anything good staying here. I think I’m finally ready.
My last post I thought I was crazy because I was hearing shit, but I went to the doctor and it turns out I’m just very sleep deprived and stressed as fuck so that’s good. And since I was feeling good and confident today I decided to finally come out over twitter I’m scared as fuck, but hopefully everything goes well fingers crossed. Oh and also thanks to Hazy Day Sunflower for giving me advice I really appreciate it.
After four days of being sick and near-bedridden because of the usual health issues, I was FINALLY able to get out today.
I was able to get up, shower, get dressed, and go out to one of my favorite WiFi spots.
I realize I should be used to it by now, but it’s just such an awful feeling to be trapped indoors like I am sometimes. It’s like being an animal caught in a trap. Stuck in bed, with bones hurting anytime I try to move. Rolling over in bed was something so difficult that it occasionally […]
Well I have officially been 5 months self harm free and the last of my scars have finally healed. thought you can still see some of them faint lite pink lines. But I am amazed at my progress though it is slow and the temptation is so real is not even funny. I am doing ok I started my new major this semester and starting to go out more. Though my depression symptoms are still there and haunt me from time to time there no where as bad as they used to be. I have not been to a counselor at any point during this […]
Her head rises and falls with each breath I take, and perhaps it’s fitting considering the fact that without her I might never have taken those breaths. Her long, dirty blonde hair is pulled back in a simple braid, and I’m eternally grateful. It allows me an uninterrupted view of her beautiful face, which I have grown to so adore. I feel I am unworthy of having this beauty at such close hand, and to have it all to myself is incomprehensible. Her lips draw my eyes and I remember the feeling of pressing mine against them. The way that it felt as though the […]
It’s almost 8 years to the day now when I got the call, that mom needed to come over to tell me something, and seated in the worn-out dingy couch on the porch, dark outside, the words spilling from her into me, something that could not be taken back, something final, a new reality shocked into me.
I remember somehow taking it so well, the determination to be strong overcoming any flirtation with falling apart or to pieces about it. It was his decision, and that’s what he did, he is no longer in pain, there’s nothing that can be done about it and we’ll […]
I made some lovely sausage rolls and chips and I am about to settle down and FINALLY watch the first part of Mockingjay! I’ve been waiting to do this forever it seem now, blimey.
And I’ve got some lovely chocolate biscuits to indulge in after my lovely sausage rolls.
Yes, I know that it is very late over here but I don’t work tomorrow, so a bit of naughty is totally fine.
The constant thought of ending my life is tearing me down. I wish to end it, but somehow I can’t.
The thought of suicide keeps coming back and slowly becomes stronger and stronger.
My friends and my family have abandoned me. I never bothered to look them up. Now I want to look them up, they don’t have time for me :'(
I don’t care anymore whether I live or die and now I am dealing with my survival instinct. I wonder when I will find the strength to finally end it all.
All the harassment cost me my friends and the people doing the harassing and stalking have […]
If only nature came with a Reset Button or a built in Self Destruct button (we already are self destructing, it just slow going before it “ends”) or both.
I am contemplating that as I climb down into my chilly bed, adorned with fuzzy house socks and my wooley jumper. (it’s brisk here) Wouldn’t it be lovely? (at the aforementioned)
Light will be breaking over the sea here any moment, I am finally off to bed to get a couple of hours shut eye before rising yet again, to a gloomy gray world, filled with morning tea, morning telly (god helps us) and sitting here pondering yet […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I have mentioned many times how I have been in love with this girl for so long. I also posted quite recently about how I have finally gotten over her and have felt like I can comfortably have relationships now that I am no longer in love with her. She messaged me a couple of days ago and damn, i’m back. How can I be so in love with a girl. She messages me and I light up right away and message her right back. I am evem expecting a letter in the mail from her. We’ve been exchanging letters since freshman year. […]
I can’t do this anymore. I keep getting beaten down and its exhausting. I’m tired. People keep telling me that “you’re so beautiful” or something along those lines, but they can’t see what’s inside of me; inside I am blackened and crumpled and there is only a faint glow of life but it’s about to go out. I have been struggling on my own for 3.5 years now and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been crying out for help but my “friends” either don’t care and walk away or they don’t know me well enough to recognize my pleas. For a little while I […]