I was fine… for a while. I thought I would make my life easier by pushing away my friends. Now I’m alone- during school, at home- basically everywhere. Its been awhile since I last posted an update, because I felt better. But depression has reared its ugly head again, so here I am. Tonight is one of those nights when I just can’t snap out of it. All I can think about is merciful death. Absence from school is a common occurrence these days because of depression. This just makes it harder to catch up and maintain good grades. I have no motivation to do […]
11 hours left.
I ended up at my mothers. I hate this place. I fucking hate this place. But I have to act normal.
I took me test. It was a bunch of mathimatical questions, story questions, thing you would answer for a high school test. It was all timed. I passed. The pizza place hired me. I am suppose to start work this Fridad at 5:30. Go through my paper work process. And get fimiliar with the job. But it’s all pointless. It’s not like I plan on living past tonight anyways. But you know what I did it. I went there and did it anyways. […]
There have been so many times when my brain fails me. If I try to function like a normal human being and actually make a connection with someone, my brain won’t let me. If I try to change my environment or take a step in the right direction, there is blockers again.
Idk of its anxiety or just feeling of powerlessness but I feel trapped within myself. Like there is an internal cage that has always been there in my life but it only gets stronger has it takes control over more and more of my life.
People say there is help out there but I doubt […]
You would think it doesn’t hurt anymore. When people come in my life, gain my trust and friendship, then rip away a piece of me as they walk away like I never meant anything to them. But the truth is, it hurts so much more each time it happens. It hurts so bad that I feel numb until another part of me disappears. It hurts so bad because of the feeling that I only ever made friends from pity and I cared about them more than myself. It hurts so bad that it puts me almost to tears, but then a dark part of me […]
I hate my life.
Anne Sexton’s poetry makes me whole again, it’s like I know her soul.
Lately, I’very been putting together a bucket list of things I would do if tomorrow didn’t exist or there would be no tmorrow very soon. Some activities appear normal while some are batsh*t insane. Deeds where the worst of my actions would leave me shame or embarrassment, or the greatest acts of kindness would present some of the best things I could offer those around me. Most things I have on that list show how selfish I can be, and the remainder show how selfless I am depending on the scenario. I suppose, if I am selectively selfless, wouldn’t that still make me selfish since […]
i think tonight’s the night to try again we’ll see how things go had enough of life i feel iv lived long enough you know when people say things get better when is that ? Happiness isn’t promised think I’m living with faults hopes with no plans for the future no goals just the battle everyday with myself this isn’t living life it’s just surviving another day and having to act like your doing fine and handling life but really your face down in the gutter drowning in thought trying to keep your head above water if this is how the rest of my life […]
I succumbed to texting my ex. It’s a been almost 2 weeks since we vaguely texted each other. I told him that I need to be his friend and I asked him if he still even cared. He said “Yes, of course”. But he doesn’t act like it. He never asks me how I am or how my life is. It feels as if he is not my friend, not even a stranger on the street. Why am I hanging on to him like this? I’m actually starting to be completely turned off by him, sexually and in a friendly kind of way. Maybe this […]
I just want to get away from me!
I don’t know what to do, all I have is a hope that it’ll be over soon if I can be brave for once in my life and just kill myself I’m so sick of being alive it’s so fake nothing about this is real. How can this be what life is supposed to be like I hate it I want off this ride I’m so done. Nothing even happened it’s just a culmination of my life I’m so sick of my memories my thoughts my worries. All I wanted I think out of […]
I have experienced abject suffering for the last four years, and I expect to do so for the rest of my life.
In case any of you were wondering how the other doctor appointment went Thursday…
I have an MRI of my skull scheduled for March 31st.
They’re doing two of them: “with and without contrast”. This means that for the second one, they’re going to inject dye into me so everything in my head lights up like a tacky Las Vegas strip.
I’ve had plenty of MRI’s in my life, but none with dye.
Best case scenario is that it’s a benign mass which isn’t growing.
Or, better yet, that […]
So I’ve been absent from this site for awhile. I’ve been busy clearing out my shit and NO WAY IN HELL would I have imagined what a heap of junk I’ve accumulated; I actually wish I had a huge pit of fire to throw it all into lol..I know this is something I have to do or I’ll feel like I’ve left a mess behind and I believe that would fuk me over if there is an afterlife..I’m just covering all my angles here. ITS STRESSFUL as for some reason I still have attachments to some of the junk but at the same time I’m […]
It really feels like there is a group of people trying to get me to end my life. I came really close a few weeks ago. I am wondering if these individuals realize that there are Criminal , Civil and punitive charges for these actions ? Even the failure to prevent suicide or death by authorities that I have notified is criminal negligence . The No fear Act , 18 U.S. Code 2340 , 18 U.S. Code 1512 and so many other crimes I am a victim of daily.
I read almost every post on SP but I rarely ever post. I take comfort in all of your words and witty banter. I feel like a stalker, lol. Thank you guys, for what it’s worth. I guess I just need to vent today because I feel so lost and alone. I have suffered with suicidal ideation on and off for most of my life. Came close twice but failed. I’m 40 now. No husband, no children, no boyfriend, no job. In January I was laid off and I decided to be strong and try to make big changes in my life and the depression […]
A few weeks back I was arrested for fraud and as I type this letter the Police are investigating me.
My life has collapse – I have lost my marriage, I will lose my house, no job and my dearest two boys particularly my youngest (14) does not want to know me but my oldest is autistic so he cannot comprehend the situation.
Our marriage has always been stressful – looking after our autistic son, my health problems and wife’s depression. Our youngest was always was protected – giving him a carefree life with a great education. With that protection he is now in a Royal Ballet […]
I hate this fat unlovable unattractive unnecessary pimple filled lonely face. I hate being constantly reminded of my romantic/sexual irrelevance to women. Im tired of working out and eating better just to pig out and ruin it. Im tired of being ugly. The moments that give me peace are the moments where my chest/heart go funny. I know its just the caffeine and bronkaid effecting me. I wish I could just die. I’m tired of being poor irrelevant lonely fat and depressed. Im tired of it it makes me sick. Sick of living sick of everything. No one will ever want me. I try to […]
Much sometimes. I have had such a crazy few weeks. I’ve been sick with a cold/flu/maybe viral pneumonia for two weeks now. All this coughing is a blast, I have had people get on my case about going to the doctor and my reply was, they can’t do anything this is the stuff EVERYONE else has and it’s viral. They can’t do shit to help me. I’m not wasting any money for them to tell me to take it easy and keep up on my fluids. Part of me wants it to kill me. If I don’t get better it’s going to turn into a […]
My vacation is over Friday. I don’t even want to get into specifics, but I’ll have more stress and more on my shoulders. I don’t know what this will do to my depression. Before, when I had this stress I had my ex to distract me and make my life feel better. I don’t have that now. I just feel so alone and so overwhelmed.
I can’t sleep once again. It’s been like this for a while. I just can’t seem to fall asleep. Staying asleep has just started to become a struggle. There is so much negativity in my life right and and all I’m able to do is sit here and watch. Rocketman, you are my official SP buddy. I’d like to speak with you, I found myself needing to come back here once again.
this pain is cold. i want another child but i may not be able to have one. its not fair. my life is so empty.