I’m tired of wishing I had ended it. I’m tired regretting the past with no future to look forward to. No one will ever care for me. I’ve led a life of such remarkable insignificance the bitterness and anger are becoming harder to control. One shot could have solved my problems. But I’m as weak now as i was then. I don’t belong in any conceivable way. I welcome death if ever it mercifully delivers me from this pain. I get it I’m inept socially. I’m incompetent to anxious/depressed/tired to work on things that I need to. I’m ugly and fat and poor and […]
I’ve become so depressed that I started cutting my wrist, not long ago. I wear long sleeves and sweat shirts to hide the scars. But the other day it was warm out so i wore a short sleeve shirt and brought a jacket to hide the scars if I needed to. It turns out that I didn’t need the jacket because everyone who must have seen my cuts didn’t give a fuck about it. They would look at my wrist then at my face and turn around and act like nothing happened. Um… hello you know that what you just saw isn’t something you always […]
I never thought I’d feel sick to my stomach with anger and dread, not wanting to go in to work. This has been the first full year that I’ve worked through a job, so I’ve never experienced anything like this before. And it’s the same thing I’ve heard my mom complain about why she absolutely loathes working. It’s because there’s always got to be some insufferable ***** there who makes everyone miserable!
So here’s what happened. The boss has been gone over a month now because she’s moving to another state. She’s supposed to be back at some point to tie up loose ends before she’s […]
I’ve lost 2 relatives that I was close to, both times I was woken up in the middle of the night and told they died. I get so afraid to sleep, in fact one of my worst fears is that I will loose my very closest and dearest loved ones while I sleep. I’ve had nightmares that it has happened and I wake up sobbing. My aunt died and they woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me. I have been battling some depression and Monday felt like a good day for me. Then I find out this morning that not […]
There are basically 2 kinds of people: Those who are satisfied, fulfilled, at peace with life and eventual death. They cruise through whatever bumps, minor or large, that life throws at them. Through it all they have strength and resolve to go on with life, good or bad. They find or are handed success and somehow they get to live full lives with intimate relationships and lots of good times.
Then there are the others. The ones like me. We never fit in.
We seem to carry pain around with us. Life never really feels “right”. We have more questions and anxiety than our counter parts. Finances, […]
23 hours left. (I’m sorry I’m going to post so much.)
Suicide Project. The name in it’s own.
Have you ever thought about is? Suicide project. That name. It’s cleaver. I would like to believe that it is that for a reason. For a purpose.
We the people of Suicide Project are almost like lab rats. Being watched. Just a group of people struggling with what is simpily death. I imagine someone is observing us. Seeing how we react to each other. How we help each other. What it’s like to be suicidal. Or you can look at it this way.
We are an ongoing project. As long […]
You would think it doesn’t hurt anymore. When people come in my life, gain my trust and friendship, then rip away a piece of me as they walk away like I never meant anything to them. But the truth is, it hurts so much more each time it happens. It hurts so bad that I feel numb until another part of me disappears. It hurts so bad because of the feeling that I only ever made friends from pity and I cared about them more than myself. It hurts so bad that it puts me almost to tears, but then a dark part of me […]
What do you do when you live in a world that requires you to have green paper with dead presidents stamped on it in order to survive?
What do you do when everyone around you has been brainwashed and conditioned to think the way society considers “normal?”
What do you do when you are the only one that notices that slavery never went away? For it has only been transformed.
What do you do when you can see exactly what people are thinking when they look at you, and have faces of disapproval when you do not meet their expectations?
What do you do when every one you’ve ever […]
After yesterday, being directly rushed to the E.R. by ambulance for suicidal thoughts, knowing how my family treated me (please read “No Emergency”) when they said I was over exaggerating, when my mom complained saying she could’ve bought shoes instead of paying for parking at the hospital, when my father complained about missing work, where my sister told me I was making things up,
Fuck I don’t even remember the point to this post.
Urgh I’m wasting everyones time.
But I feel I have to let this out.
I have no one.
I read almost every post on SP but I rarely ever post. I take comfort in all of your words and witty banter. I feel like a stalker, lol. Thank you guys, for what it’s worth. I guess I just need to vent today because I feel so lost and alone. I have suffered with suicidal ideation on and off for most of my life. Came close twice but failed. I’m 40 now. No husband, no children, no boyfriend, no job. In January I was laid off and I decided to be strong and try to make big changes in my life and the depression […]
I hate this fat unlovable unattractive unnecessary pimple filled lonely face. I hate being constantly reminded of my romantic/sexual irrelevance to women. Im tired of working out and eating better just to pig out and ruin it. Im tired of being ugly. The moments that give me peace are the moments where my chest/heart go funny. I know its just the caffeine and bronkaid effecting me. I wish I could just die. I’m tired of being poor irrelevant lonely fat and depressed. Im tired of it it makes me sick. Sick of living sick of everything. No one will ever want me. I try to […]
Does love really exist? I’ve wondered this many times. When I’ve dated guys and felt nice around them. When I’m with my grandma. When I think of dad. But then this feeling of emptiness comes along, and i hated it. Is that what love’s supposed to be? Emptiness? Why? Does mom feel like that when she thinks of me -if she ever does-? I hope not. I want her to only see the small good things I’ve done. they’re not so many but they’re something. Right? giving up my freedom wasn’t nothing, Right? God! If I had a dying wish it would be to hear […]
Today I sat in my room in silence staring at the floor realizing I have nothing , no one. I realized i don’t have anyone there for me when i need them, that my parents don’t realize how depressed i am, that no one asks how i am, no one checks on my mental health, that in the end everyone has their own person, my mom has my dad, aaron has eric, you have your ducklings and dad, danielle has her boyfriend and sister, everyone has someone but me, because in the end im the second chose like always. Yesterday i cried because i finally […]
Why is it that everything I do comes out wrong? I never get anything perfect, everything is a mistake, a failure. Well it makes sense because I’m a failure too. What’s the point of me living if I just ruin everything? The only time I try to help others, no one ever appreciates it. Fuck it! I wanna die!
I don’t particularly want to kill myself, but it has become the only practical solution. I believe some people aren’t meant to make it in this world, and that I am one of them. I learned how to pretend and act normal socially, but I can’t maintain it. When there’s no one telling me what to do, I just sit there, so I find it very hard to pretend to have a personality in a workplace or in order to maintain any human relationship. For a while, it works, because I can listen to other people and run around and have fun, and talk to many […]
The Early Intervention team called my therapist to say they’re not bothering with me again. She said they told her I’m not psychotic. I could’ve told her that.
If it were psychosis then this wouldn’t be real. The voices wouldn’t be real, the Angels wouldn’t be real, the others wouldn’t be real, the demons and shadow people wouldn’t be real. But they are real.
They said it might just be down to my depression and anxiety. Okay. They can say that, but it’s not. They’re just real, and that’s not down to anything.
I see my therapist next Friday now, so I’ll tell her it was a waste […]
When there is nothing and no one, consume me. Be my ally, and release me from this world.
I am so tired, both literally and proverbially. I am too fragile. This is not my life.
I’ll be honest i don’t like being on this site. Don’t get me wrong it isn’t you guys its just i rather not feel the need to post. I’m sure that you all can relate. No one wants to live in depression. That said I come back because I have these moments of pure depression. I try to tell myself in these moments i should accept that I feel this way and stop beating myself up for being beaten by life. I work all but 1 day in a culture full of depression triggers. This feeling is as natural as getting sick from a peanut […]
Feel like a piece of shit, like no one really cares, and I just need to be dead. That way, everyone else will be happy.
Today I feel lonely and depressed. I woke up and I don’t even know why I’m still here. I overthink about what happened and I can’t help but cry. I still miss that stupid asshole and my baby so much. I’m crying while typing this post. I feel that it’s all my fault. That thought haunts me. Plus, I don’t have friends IRL and therefore no one to talk to. My family doesn’t help me. If anything, they make me feel worse about myself. My mom won’t let me go out or do anything to alleviate the pain I’m feeling or at least distract myself […]