Today was a good day, got to pick up that special lady in my life. My 11 year old daughter, what a complete and wonderful BLESSING she is, and she can always bring me outta my funks. Nothing beats the pure and innocent love of a child, and it truly humbles me to know that there is still a love like that in the world. She doesn’t look at me like the guy who works all the time, or the guy in the Motorcycle Club, or the guy that used to be married to her momma, NOPE !!!!!!!! I’m […]
I had a job. A government job- with job security, promotion, retirement pension and all. I resigned on 2nd of this April. I have seen it all now. They can’t claim I was just a dreamer not knowing world and worldly ways. Though I hate society and its system to the very core of my being, I always gave them benefit of doubt thinking that maybe, just maybe they know something I don’t. Maybe things change with a job and responsibility. Anyway, on the positive note, nobody can claim I don’t have experience of worldly ways now. But it changed nothing. And I don’t know where to go […]
Imagine you are in an emotional crisis and you need to feel comfort and consolation, so you turn to the photo album you keep. You open it, hoping to find good memories from those few moments in the past when everything seemed okay, even if only for a short while.
But when you open the photo album, it is mostly blank and empty. 90% of the pictures have been removed, and you are left with nothing more than what your spotty memory can recall.
This is how I feel when I go back through SP, trying to re-live good memories from favorite fun conversations in the past– […]
Why am I with people I hate .
Why Am i in a town with no prosperity?
Why am I killing my self for the selfish people?
Staying with a husband….no a llittle boy who is just as selfish.
I am alone
Why did I do this? Why am i here?
Why? can’t I stop crying
Im so sad, so miserable.
I wake up crying ,I go to sleep crying ..
I want to go home there is nothing for me here or go anywhere with these people …I think I should end every thing
Rocketman posted an article some time ago about a Ballet dancer who was murdered. He was deeply touched by her story. This Rocketman is for you.
On quiet days like today I dream of ballet dancing. My feet don’t touch the ground and there is nothing but music and the faint smell of strawberries.
Be kind to yourself. Love yourself.
I found something yesterday. It is either the start of my redemption or the end of my torment. I decided to make a game. This game will be extremely difficult and almost impossible to win. Yet, I’m satisfied this is the future I’m placing this one last bet on. The rules sound simple: Make my ex who hates me, fall in love with me again within 4 days. However, my depression and apathy have caused her to view me as nothing more than an asshole who enjoys hurting her.
If she truly wanted nothing more to do with me, why would she accept my friend request […]
I’ve been told I’m this ,that , and all things under the sun.
yelled at swore at , treated worse then the dirt we stand apon ..
Been mentally and physically abuse
been made and out that I’m a nobody nothingness ..
And they don’t ask how I’m doing
they don’t see that I’m fulling
that I can’t breath
that I’m filling up my body with discuss
my soul is literally nothing
my mind is full of hate
and I’m giving up .
I’ve come so far, and have tried too hard to just give up now… But I’m angry, and I’m hurting deep inside too badly… I’m angry because everyone has tried so hard to help me, my therapist, psychiatrist, friends amd family… But no one can seem to rid me of this nightmare… I have tried so many medications just to be let down in the end… I’m angry because the last thing I want to do is give in now… I HATE the fact that I’m even considering suicide; but there is nothing left for me anymore…
I’ve tried to […]
So it seems like every time things seem okay then they just go to shit. Today I was driving my car when the engine died, but the car was still going because the speed I was already traveling at. Since the engine died the brakes and power steering went out right before a curve in the road so I had to try and get the car around the curve. I did and I got it stopped. I wish I would have been going faster when it happened so I could have just let the car go and let it kill me.
My job has stopped giving […]
I found a few leaves of a plant with a powerful effect a couple of days ago. Not going to name it to avoid giving anyone here ideas, which I will explain why I don’t want such a thing later.
So, yesterday, I decided to smoke a bit. It was 11 P.M. and I went for one last cigarette. I couldn’t roll myself a joint with the stuff because my parents were in their bedroom watching TV, and I feared getting caught and sent into rehab.
I am so fucking glad I had that fear that prevented me from rolling a joint, because I ended up smoking […]
Today someone was talking about suicide and he said no matter how bad it was it would get better. He then offered an anecdote of how he had a friend who had a friend who wanted to kill herself, and when she called up the friend and told him she wanted to kill herself and listed all the reasons why, he told her she was right but that she should wait a year, and then she did, and within a year her life had turned around, she was happy, etc. I want to know, where do people even come up with this bullsh*t?? do they just assume […]
I’m finally letting go. Life just keeps on getting worse. Nothing good ever happens anymore. I always have to put up a façade that I’m happy and hope that people don’t see what is really going on. I know if I act unhappy, people will ask and I know I will never be able to give a good enough answer without everyone being suspicious. I know I have to ‘catch the bus’ soon. I always wonder if there is an afterlife or if we just turn into ghosts and just lurk around, basically stalking people just we aren’t really there. I know I’m going to […]
I was once a young, ambitious man. I loved smoking weed and one day I got some from California. It was really good and I sold a lot of it. Within 6 months, I was making about $2-3000 a week. I sold for about 5 years. I never had a job, just a full time dealer. Last year I spent 22k on plane tickets alone.
I would always use cash and avoid using my bank card and account, but I still managed to have 150k go through my bank account in the past 5 years. Plane tickets, for example, have to be bought on a card […]
First of all, I wanted to thank you for the awesome and kind advice I got from you, especially my gratitude goes to Suicidal Angel, because the advice I got from this person truly helped me. Thanks to her I was able to stay clean for 2 months and 2 days! It was a really huge achievement for me, and I couldn’t have done it without her advice I guess, so if you’re reading this (even though I doubt it) a huge thanks to you again! I’m not really able to express my gratitude to you and the other nice pieces of advice from some […]
I can’t handle this abuse I get from you anymore I’ve had enough you pick at me, you yell, you scream. Call me names do your worst punch me, kick me, slap me. It’s nothing I’m not use to. You always deprived me of my bed whenever you were angry at me made me sleep in the hallway sometimes the bathroom even in the garage. You punish me because of what others do to you. You have no guts to stand up to them yet what you do to me is what you should do to them but what you do and how you treat […]
It is nearing the end of the semester for me, and I have no motivation left. I know what you’re thinking “No one does.” But it isn’t just the usual dragging my ass to the library or late night studies from procrastination. It is the refusal to do anything….some days I won’t get out of bed, even if I’m hungry. Some days I force myself to go to the library to write papers but I get distracted and do nothing. I cannot make myself do anything anymore…I have assignment building, bills piling, dishes not done, laundry soiled, and quizzes untaken. It feels like my life […]
Do you ever get tired of helping everyone else with their problems?
Do you ever get tired of no one helping with yours?
Do you ever get tired of being sad?
Do you ever get tired of being happy?
Do you ever get tired of nosiness?
Do you ever get tired of unconcernedness?
Do you ever get tired of being underestimate?
Do you ever get tired of being overestimated?
Do you ever get tired of being alone?
Do you ever get tired of being crowded?
of faking a smile?
of pretending to care?
of being burdened?
of having nothing to do?
of low self-esteem?
of being “plain-jane”?
of being liked?
or of being ignored?
Looking at you Al, its on triple J at 4:15am and making me feel a hell of a lot happier as i sit out front in the night looking at nothing but sky and sitting in despair…
But now with good tunes on its a chill nite
Just had a nice sweaty workout and I feel nothing but dead inside. I just had to come home and cry right after working out. I like working out, it feels like I have blood running through my veins during that, but afterward there are no endorphins. Nothing makes me feel good. I still want to die, if not more. Fuck.
Hey.
Been a long time again. In 25 days I will be in London looking for a job and stuff. Up till then I have nothing to do. Nothing. I have no job. I just workout. My days are so boring. Sometimes I walk my dog, I love him, he is so playful, he makes me happy and laugh.
On the suicide front I think I have made a progress. I think less, way less then before, but I still have thoughts. I have […]