This is my first post so. There’s no justified reason for me to talk about my background or how I came to the point where I am now talking about my worthless life to a bunch of people who I don’t know and who probably don’t care. I’m sure the things I post will be the same things everyone’s heard a million times. I’m not saying that it makes what anyone has been through any less significant or important or painful and damaging, but it kind of sucks that I’m just another depressed, screwed up teenager reaching out to people on the internet because there’s […]
I wrote 2890 words in 68 minutes. It’s for my essay that has a word limit of 2000, and it’s still not finished. I only stopped because my laptop died and I’ve lost the charger. Usually it would take me between 2-3 hours to finish it. I did it in 1. One of the only upsides to all this energy right now.
I have college tomorrow, the essay was due in last Monday and I was off so I needed it for tomorrow morning. Oh well.
I was talking to an old friend online earlier. Needlessly to say, they are barely my friend right now. They said […]
Good morning all, feeling alot better today, but as you all know, that’s subject to change. Even though I’m new here I have noticed alot of love and caring, and have received it from the people on this site and I just have to say thank you, like I’ve shared with a couple of people, it helps me to vent and let all of this poison out instead of letting it build up to a boiling point like I used to when I was younger. But then to receive kind words from complete strangers who are non-judgemental and have their own problems, […]
So I’ve been taking a shower like, once every 3days. Same with brushing my teeth. Been sleeping either a lot or not at all. I didn’t even realize the shower and brushing my teeth thing until my mom pointed it out. I guess im just not noticing time passing. Never thought I’d get this bad though
Ive been crying almost everyday, begging god to make everything go back to normal. Every once in a while my ex texts me, then i get my hopes up and i think “thank you god, he’s giving me another chance”. Then he just suddenly stops replying, and i realize that […]
Hello. Today was a bad day. I didn’t get yelled at or anything, just an angry look. That just made me realize how alone I am in this. I understand SP will be there for me, but outside of that, I have no one to talk to. I’m alone on this. I’m kind of a disappointment. And they are justified in being disappointed in me. I’m not the most outgoing person and I’m kid of lazy and pathetic. To them they’ve put so much money and time and effort into me only to have me come out as a sort of nothing. I see why […]
Last night, I had the most difficult attempt at sleeping.
I had booked a Motel to saying weeks prior with the intention of forcing myself to be social and go to an event at a bar. But as time grew closer, I was contemplating suicide.
Thursday 4/14/16
I was afraid that the room I had booked would be my last night. I thought of buying a rope but was afraid of being judged, so I decided not to buy it. I checked in and bought an egg sandwich and alcohol. I took a xanax and began to drink. I walked to the bar and the place was deserted. […]
Sometimes I think I’ve legitimately gone mental. My mind constantly feels like it’s spinning like that gravity ride thing at the fair (some of you know what I’m talking about lol) but it gets to this point where I lose sense of my own being, and I feel so weird and abnormal, and sometimes like a different creature or a different kind of being. I can’t explain it, but my mind is a roller coaster and I think that one of these days I’m going to completely snap on myself.
i don’t know what to write here. i just feel bad. angry, bitter, the works. nothing makes me happy these days. i’ve fallen back on a lot of old, terrible habits. i’ve gained more weight from binge eating. i’m stressed because the weather is getting warmer, but i have new scars littering my arm that prevent me from wearing short sleeves. my brother still hates me. my best friend doesn’t feel like a friend anymore. i majorly fucked up my gpa and my standing in school, which means my chances of transferring to another university, never mind a good one, have become incredibly slim. my […]
…I haven’t posted in a while, and that’s becouse I’ve been trying to be happy and stay happy. But why do I always end up at the starting point, feeling worthless and tired? This deppression suffocates me, it’s not letting go. Sharp knife rests on my wrist begging to slice it open! I know I shouldn’t do it. Trying to restrain myself….but it feels so good! The pain is addictive, the blood is beautiful! I’m afraid of what people will think of me if I tell them how I feel. Will they think I’m weird and insane? Am I weird? Am I insane?
I didn’t sleep Saturday night. I slept for 3 hours last night. I haven’t slept tonight – it’s 5AM. And I’m so energetic I couldn’t care less about the loss of sleep. I have done so much stuff tonight (this morning I stayed in my room because I couldn’t calm myself down – I was extremely happy and was thinking about all these great ideas to do, and I annoy people and get into arguments over it).
For the past couple hours I’ve been doing a sketch for a painting I’ve put off for almost 2 months – surprisingly I’ve been able to focus on it […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’ve been away from sp bc I was staying with family to help my mom who was here (NY) from Florida. I got home yesterday and I haven’t moved from my couch since except for the bathroom. I haven’t showered, eaten, unpacked my bags or done anything. I’m starving but I don’t care. I don’t even have the will to get up and eat. I see no point to doing a damn thing. I wonder how long it would take for me to starve to death. Probably too long. I’m just lying here staring at the wall. I feel paralyzed by hopelessness. How does one […]
My morning was reasonably okay-ish, until I found out my stepdad had been our drinking since 12. He came home around 4 and he and my mum had an argument, so he left to go drinking again. He came back around 10:30 and was completely drunk to the point where he could barely stand up.
Since the argument I’ve been feeling weird. It’s like how I felt last year before I went ‘crazy’ – for lack of a better word – for a week or so. My mind is racing, and my energy is building up. I feel like cleaning the house, but going for a […]
They are never interested in me, no matter how compelling it might be to think they are.
Also, I must make a point of viewing pictures of real dead bodies and videos of suicides to become desensitized the reality of my own death and the idea of my corpse.
So I found my ten pack of blades today…
Suffice it to say, yes I statted cutting again.
At least this time its the leg not arm
And its not the blood I want to see but the pain I want to feel to know that…. that…. thats all I have at this point… I dont know anymore than that right now.
Sometimes it feels like all hope is lost, like there is no reason for me to continue thinking or trying or breathing and the self hatred gets even more overwhelming and I just want to scream and cry and tear myself apart (literally) I have goals I just have no motivation to achieve them anymore because I don’t see the point, I don’t see why I shouldn’t just end it now and end my pain, I have no one, and everyone just discourages and belittles me and I’m tired of pain
If you tuned in on THIS POST, you not only got to hear me sing 197 digits of Pi at three in the morning, but you also got to hear me explain that I am going to spend my Friday drinking vodka and becoming (hopefully) less coherent as the night progresses.
I’ll spend most of my time here, but might drop a comment on your posts too, if you’d like. I promise to try to be on my best behavior if I visit you, but here on this post I may well descend into the […]
I’ve come to a conclusion about a lifelong question. Where is all this hardship coming from. I wondered why there is always difficulty, frustration and then the inevitable pain in so many aspects of life. I first thought that world was just bull shit and it was or duty to find and fix all the issues. But recently I have found out that I’m the one with the issues.
Discovering this I wanted to change and be like others, to be normal. I realized that me being against the world was the whole chicken and egg thing. I’m not stuck in this mess because I’m against […]
I’m stuck in this place between knowing that society thinks I need help and knowing that nobody could possibly help me at this point. I’m stuck in between this place of knowing this gets better and hating my life so much that I want to die and end the pain. I’m stuck in between this place of knowing that someone, somewhere, cares about me, and the realization that nobody around me loves me anymore. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. I want to end my miserable existence, but I’ve failed 27 different suicide attempts and obviously, that won’t work anymore. The man […]
I can’t honestly say right now that there’s anyone I love. I’m just too afraid of it. Until I was 20, I was determined not to date or do anything that might lead to loving someone. I knew I struggled with emotion regulation, so I figured all the strong emotions involved would mess me up. That’s still an issue for me.
But a bigger issue is my fear that someone I love might at some point completely depend on me for a long time. That might be my worst fear of all. If that happened, trying to take care of them would certainly exhaust my limited […]