i am ruined. i am disgusting. i am used. i am repulsive. i am unclean. i am filthy. i am tainted.
disgusting.
Tag:
self-hate
it shouldn’t be this difficult. to get up, to function, to eat, to shower, to wash my face, to clean, to work. it shouldn’t be this difficult. I feel like I continue to hit a wall, attempt to stand back up, and immediately run back into it at full speed. withdrawal isn’t helping. the memory gaps continue to worsen. i barely remember what i did this week. the nightmares have been getting worse. you know what’s my fucking favorite? having a nightmare about abuse, waking up in the morning and thinking it’s over, go to bed that night only for the fucking nightmare to CONTINUE […]
Have you just wanted to grab all of your belongings. Everything that makes you, “you” and just pile it all up. Clothes, jewelry, bills, credit cards, medication….
Just a few ounces of lighter fluid and a match…it all just go away and leave nothing, but ash and smoke.
Watching it all burn down, all the materialistic shit that you have accumulated in all these long years….wishing that you could go into the fire and be burned away.
I don’t want to live anymore.
I just have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t want to be alive anymore but I can’t kill myself because anytime I think about doing it and how much I just don’t want to be forced to live on this rock, I see my parents and friends faces and how sad they’d be. This always brings a sense of hopelessness, I can’t die, I don’t wanna be here but I have to be so fuck what do I do. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere on this whole world and constantly feel homesick for a place that I’m losing hope I could […]
I really hate my body. I’m not fat, I’m not too ugly, I’m just covered with scars and a I hate it when I sweat. I actually hate my skin. I’m only 19 and I should be beautiful at this age. I can resist my stretch marks because almost everyone has them so they are natural but I can’t stand my scars. My body is full of those red things. They first appeared the first time I shaved my body hair and now they are everywhere on my hands and legs. I used to have tones of acnes on my face and now they’re gone […]
I decided a while ago that self-hate is completely and utterly pointless. I don’t have any real reason to hate myself; neither does anyone else. You didn’t ask to come into this world. You were born, and you lived the life you did, and as much as you have free will, you are imperfect, and you will inevitably do stupid things. That’s not your fault. Your existence, no matter how good or bad you think it is, is not your fault. So try to redirect your self-hate. I, for example, choose instead to hate my life, not myself.
In hating my life instead, I often think […]
Recently, I’ve began to feel entirely empty.
Even the one thing that I once loved to do and helped me not feel like a freak… I don’t feel different when doing said thing.
I’ve felt that I should die even more intensely, even to the point where from my last suicide attempt, I barely felt anything. Just vast emptiness.
I’ve also experienced even more self-hate for my body. I don’t like seeing my own face anymore. I’m beginning to not even like my own hair, the only thing that I was actually proud of about my body.
Well, I guess I shall end this post.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I want to overdose and die
I want death
So badly
So badly
I almost crave it.
How do I stop these thoughts? All I seem to think about is death. Suicide. Being pain free. Am I wrong for that? Am I being selfish? Don’t I have a say in my life? Yes… I am being selfish. And, yes, I am wrong.
Where has the time gone? I’m losing track of everything and I can’t seem to grip onto something and stay focused and keep moving with life. I feel so stuck and out of place and away from myself, from the world, from reality. I’m so lost and angry and horribly sad and I […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Hi there person reading this my name is Barry :D. I hope you would read my story and how I’m at the point of just..being done. *Excuse my horrid grammar/spelling*
It all started when I started to live with my Mom. l had a step-dad, but I never really got to meet my real dad since he died in a car accident. It was around the age of 7 I think I moved with my Mom since I used to live with my grandma.
During elementary school people would judge me because of the way I walked. They used to say I always stuck out my chest […]
For the past 7 years I’ve made decisions that only bring me problems. Every time it seems I overcome something, I’ll make a shitty decision that’ll drag me for yet another ride through unpleasant times. I can’t keep up with responsibilities and I’ve slowly but surely tried to get rid of them. One of the few things I was proud of in myself, the value I put in giving my word, is completely gone, as I keep telling people I’ll do something only to give up on it for what seems to be no reason at all. I was supposed to finish college this semester […]
At age 6 I was raped. I covered it up, pretended to be happy. Pretended it didn’t happen. I was extremely shy and scared of people. He told me he would kill me if I told anyone.
When I was 7 my family moved. Leaving the man who raped me behind. I still miss the country side, my brother and I would go into the woods and catch animals. We had 2 begals, my dad traded them for a pig. He slautered it.
When school started I wasn’t very popular, and people bullied me. Calling me crack hills when I bent over, shoving me in the hall, […]
I’ve come to realize that when someone asks any variation of “how are you?” They don’t want to hear the truth. They want to hear something along the lines of “I’m good, thanks.” So they can go on and not feel guilty about not having asked why you’re sad. If you didn’t admit it, you’re not right?
The same goes for when they do actually ask if you’re upset about something. They don’t want to hear that you feel like your entire life is crumbling around you, they just want to look like a caring person for five seconds.
So you hide behind “I’m fine” […]
I turn twenty in September. I stand at 5’4”, 123 lbs, and am generally a healthy eater. I played the piano for seven years when I was younger and received copious amounts of praise for my talent. I enrolled in various activities, from fencing to tae kwon doe to art classes. I graduated high school with a 3.96 GPA and seven Advanced Placement courses under my belt. After all that, I was accepted into a prestigious university and ready to blossom into a confident, intelligent, self-sufficient and successful young woman, to break out of my shell, to take on the world.
I haven’t blossomed. In fact, I’ve completely […]
I feel so fucking useless. There is so much suffering and the world is tearing itself apart around me and here i am being a whiny little ***** helping nothing and no-one doing no good for anyone, anyone at all. I am useless.
I have no right to feel sad all the time. I should be fucking appreciative of everything i have because i know there are people out there that would give anything to live the life i do. But i’m too fucking selfish to be appreciative. The world is so unfair, that people like me who deserve nothing can have a good life and […]
missed work today and i hate myself for it. i couldn’t even call in, because i could not physically get out of bed to reach my phone. god dammit. what is wrong with me?
i am so damn sick and I can’t get the treatment that i need to get better. My current therapist is useless, and has misgendered me more than once. I can’t even go to a physical doctor without panicking that they’ll make me take my clothes off.
trying to treat one thing without the other things just isn’t working anymore. i dont’ even know what i need, but I need /something/. […]
Fuck it.
Fuck myself, fuck everything.
I’m in a perpetual emotional tilt. Dazed and confused. Head spinning.
Legs shaking. Feel like smashing stuff.
I would be a calm guy, I would. I am that guy. But have no choice anymore. I’m losing it.
There’s no choice. It all bullshit. Its in me and from the past. Its fatum.
Hey, I believed in peace and justice and all that. But seriously, if I had power, before abolishing this type of financial system, etc, I would FUCKING WHIP everybody first!
Just fucking burn, Just fucking burn.
All nonsense. I have nothing, nothing. Worthy men have died younger than me, so what the fuck? Why do I fucking […]
whats wong with me me evrey thing i see and feel seems to explode in to a ball of self hate and biter rage is there eney thing left for me here in this world with out hope its like i die evrey night i feel dead im sick of the same old shit that piles its self up on my door srowndid in a room one windo a gutar for fuck sake i cant see the floor for all the shit that i cant be botherd to cleen up is this how im going to live my life hevey metel and the cach frase of cant […]
all of my “friends†couldn’t care about me and recently i’m realizing that. i lost one of my “closest†friends last thursday because he called me a self-centered b**** and claimed he’d been there for me through everything and i hadn’t given a f*** about him once and never did for anybody. for once, i actually stood up for myself and told him that he was wrong and that sparked things. now we’re not talking.
i miss days from school a lot too and not once has anyone asked in the past few months where i’d been or if i was alright. they don’t even care. […]
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