I’m trying to quit only because if I carry on this way people are going to notice eventually. No one knows but my therapist, who I told because I can’t make myself stop and am hoping she can help me stop. But I love it so, so much. I love the pain and watching the blood, I love feeling like for once I’ve done enough, I’ve made up for my mistakes, I love having flexing my arm during day-to-day life later and having it twinge, I love it all. The only nuisance is people noticing. If not for that I could probably sit and cut […]
It was roughly about this time last year that that darkness swooped in and took over.
It’s happened before, but in time would usually pass, this time, it’s remained.
Every day is a struggle, I’ve tried so many things to shake it..
Girls, drinking, exercise, working, everything just a temporary distraction, just clicking off the seconds, trying to make it through another day.
Finding this site has helped, a place to vent, to read other peoples experiences and feel a certain kinship, to know am not alone, dealing with a life that once promised so much potential, now, just a daily chore to remain,hoping for […]
Dear Jordan,
I thought about you again today. I talked about you. It was quite a mess. I couldn’t gather up the words to say. There is just too much to share.
Good times and bad, you were always there. As I was for you. Memories we shared I will forever cherish. Our connection, our ups, and downs. What we’ve been through, what I put you through, what you went through, and those the same for me.
My most precious memory of us together was the night at Rock Fest. The only band we came to see was HURT and Blue October. I remember when you got to […]
Oh my gosh, I have been trying to remember the name of this site for the life of me! I’ve looked every where for it for the past two years and then *BAM* I finally found it! No, I just went back through some of what I wrote and I feel bad for my past self; I was not a positive person, but I know it wasn’t my fault that I was depressed. No, here’s what’s happened the past couple years – p.s. sorry for the long story.
My best friend moved to Arizona in December of 2014; I missed her like crazy. I went out […]
… so I was sitting on the couch listening ta triple J enjoying a nice coffee, right, and I’m nice and relaxed so I just put my head back and I had a sip of coffee in my mouth and when I went to swallow it I noticed a little bit of trouble like I just had to move my head (and with it my neck) down just a little bit in order to swallow, and it got me trying to drink down this drink with my head held all the way back and I just couldnt do it without the little bit of forward, […]
So this weekend some friends invited me to go hang out and go to the club with them, but it just ended up making everyone pissed off at me. We were hanging out at my friend’s apartment and drinking getting ready to go out and waiting for another friend to get off work which that was all fine. We stopped at a pizza place to eat and by this point I was already really drunk. One of my friends invited this girl I really didn’t like, then she invited more people I didn’t like, because they’re just generally rude people. We were getting ready to […]
When uv been depressed and suicidal for a long time you start to embrace the darkness finding ways to stay alive in the dark fog by self harming changing one pain for another only thing that helps emotional pain and thinking of death can calm ones active mind thinkin of a method iv got 3 methods to choose from OD not to keen on hanging might need to think more about needs planning and drinking poison need to do research or try the wrist
i don’t do highs and trains think it’s brutal shotgun to the face is the dream I feel so calm talking about […]
Cringe cringe cringe cringe I’m sick of this shit being dumped on me can’t handle it anymore even though I probably sound happy as fuck I’m not. Im slowly killing myself everyday causing my own pain I’m sick of my so called “brother” taking advantage of me. Just because he wants to fix his own life don’t come destroying mine honestly you made your decision marrying that ***** who takes control over your whole and the minute you say no she never lets you forget and then you get depressed and drink your own sorrows away. Can’t you see i’m trying to recover and heal […]
Of a lenghty e-mail reply. And the Wi-Fi connection to the lap top here decided to shit out. I’ve spent 3 hours trying to type. I’m unable to reset the internet until everyone is done using it. It’s just the lap top is having troubles troubleshooting.
I haven’t showered today. I ate however. Enjoying a beer, listening to clasical piano. My mother has been screaming and yelling all night. I told her something simple and she bit my head off pretty much. And has continued to bite my head of. Jesus woman calm down before I bite your head off. I would have so much to […]
I haven’t been here in a while… Which sounds good. It means I am trying to move on and maybe I will succeed.
Since than I have started to work out. Here is my fatball face with my workout buddy:
And I got my dream catcher tattoo which I was really excited about.
I am still planning my working in London, I just need […]
Another day without her.
Another day with the painful memories of the past.
Another day I need to move my stuff out. 7 days left here at this place that saw everything fall apart.
Another day still don’t know where going to next.
3 cigarettes and memories of how things once were, where things were going, between sips of black coffee, trying to wrap my head around how things came to this. How I became this person, unrecognizable from photos taken only 10 months before.
The fear it’ll never get better, and only possibly worse.
Homeless at 34, abandoned hope for a brighter future, the […]
Loosely-gathered thoughts on this exhausting day:
I might not be able to post this, since the site has been wonky for me lately. Some days it doesn’t let me post. I emailed the admins about it but haven’t heard back.
I am glad beaubri is still here.
It’s 11:00 at night and I have not eaten anything all day long. I should probably have something.
Has anyone heard from ToTrees lately? I know his MRI was Monday, and I haven’t heard from him since Sunday, I think.
My own MRI is in about nine days, and I’m trying to distract myself by writing more music. I may post it here […]
so over the last new months iv been working on a song about how I feel being depressed suicidal still needs work but il share the first couple lines with u guys
– I keep trying to fill that fucking void inside it feels like life is just passing me by looking in the mirror iv totally lost who I am the cuts relieve the pressure can you save me from myself
alone and depressed anxiety stressed I’m hanging on for dear life but I dont see the reason why iv been thinking dose God really exist cause this is bull shit this is hell in living […]
just a thought it’s not actually that easy to commit suicide or it takes a hell of a lot of courage sure it dose take a bit of courage to try overdose
but other methods takes a lot more courage and have to be planned out properly or you will wind up in a worst state then you already are
so what are the opinions here ?
Living a depressed and miserable life ?
plan and trying harder next time ?
Hoping things will get better ?
Go to a country were you can use the method you choose ?
At this point i think I’m more scared of living then dying […]
There have been so many times when my brain fails me. If I try to function like a normal human being and actually make a connection with someone, my brain won’t let me. If I try to change my environment or take a step in the right direction, there is blockers again.
Idk of its anxiety or just feeling of powerlessness but I feel trapped within myself. Like there is an internal cage that has always been there in my life but it only gets stronger has it takes control over more and more of my life.
People say there is help out there but I doubt […]
It really feels like there is a group of people trying to get me to end my life. I came really close a few weeks ago. I am wondering if these individuals realize that there are Criminal , Civil and punitive charges for these actions ? Even the failure to prevent suicide or death by authorities that I have notified is criminal negligence . The No fear Act , 18 U.S. Code 2340 , 18 U.S. Code 1512 and so many other crimes I am a victim of daily.
I’m so close to the brink- I worry I’m losing my mind. I tell myself to keep trying, one more day… maybe even finish the semester. Then I find myself crying and tapping my foot, looking at one of those options.
I don’t know what to do anymore- I must be crazy. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t my headaches go away? The seizures? The pain? Why can’t I just understand all this BS?
…I think I’m crazy.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I want out.
I read almost every post on SP but I rarely ever post. I take comfort in all of your words and witty banter. I feel like a stalker, lol. Thank you guys, for what it’s worth. I guess I just need to vent today because I feel so lost and alone. I have suffered with suicidal ideation on and off for most of my life. Came close twice but failed. I’m 40 now. No husband, no children, no boyfriend, no job. In January I was laid off and I decided to be strong and try to make big changes in my life and the depression […]
http://14572.greatrv.net/mobile/vehicle/24473042
That’s the home I got my heart set on. It’s affordable. It’s luxurious. It’s all Alan.
Side note, is it odd I feel Alan is the real me and my real name is just my “username” for the real world?
I’m trying to build myself up. Trying to stay focused. I’m trying to reach out for help. I see every step as do or die.
The negative backlash from my spouse is maniacal. From bawling she loves me, to fine just go now, to just kill yourself… yet she acknowledges her inconsistency, she still fails to understand how years of being abused has worn me.
So, mentally she’s […]
…That is a lie. There are times when I can go whole hours without noticing it.
But any time I have to do something involving conscious thought, up it pops. My body is hard-wired to react negatively to encounters with reality. Everything is just another sign that I’m inferior. That I will never live up to my own expectations. That I’m a failure as a human-being.
I’m trying to accept these feelings. This despair that smothers me. But it’s exhausting. I get a few hours a day when I feel strong enough to function, but the rest of the time I just want to curl up and […]