Have you ever felt like banging your head on a wall till it splits open? I’m just tired of trying to explain what is going on in my head. it feels as if there are three people living in my head, the goody two shoes, the evil bastard and last the one who just does not give a fuck. To be honest, the last one is the one i feel most comfortable with, the other two are just facades of an outward nature. Why cant i feel happiness? what the fuck is wrong with me, why is it that i cant find a smile in […]
She walks through this life
Untouchable
Like sunlight through fog
Protractible
Shes kidnapped your heart
Impressionable
You’ll never break down her wall
Understandable
Its ‘cos of what she’s been through
Detestable
You wanna make it all right
Commendable
But shes got her own plan
Irreversible
And when its all done……forgivable.
Sometime in the recent past, the school decided to hang small scraps of paper on every other wall that read:
“Who are we as human beings to ignore the suffer of others?”
But, do they think this will do anything? So many people I’ve seen in this school don’t really care how someone else is.
Really, I feel like most would say:
“Oh, you’re depressed? Well, suck it up.”
I’ve also begun to see who the person I [used to] love really is.
He’s a self-entitled bastard that thinks he understands how the world works and thinks everything is black and white.
I end my rant here.
I self-medicate with alcohol quite a bit.
When I’m faced with stress, often the only thing I want is to put a big fucking wall around myself so that no one can bother me. All my life I’ve been told that it’s not OK to want that, so then I usually start feeling guilt and self-loathing and an urge to do something self-destructive. Plus the original anxiety is still there. Alcohol both numbs the anxiety and satisfies the self-destructive urge, and I haven’t figured out a better way to deal with that combination of feelings.
Plus, when I hear my father’s voice in my head telling me to get over it, […]
Hello. I’ve felt that I have hit a wall recently. I haven’t progressed. I don’t really know where to go? You know I thought I had everything figured out, as far as future plans. Go to college, get a major in mechanical engineering, get a job at a local engineering firm etc. But that doesn’t really feel realistic. I recently had to write a life purpose letter. It was for some project I’m doing and it requires a letter that basically explains my plans for life. And I found it ironic. I thought about all the plans I had and realized none of it really […]
I’ve been away from sp bc I was staying with family to help my mom who was here (NY) from Florida. I got home yesterday and I haven’t moved from my couch since except for the bathroom. I haven’t showered, eaten, unpacked my bags or done anything. I’m starving but I don’t care. I don’t even have the will to get up and eat. I see no point to doing a damn thing. I wonder how long it would take for me to starve to death. Probably too long. I’m just lying here staring at the wall. I feel paralyzed by hopelessness. How does one […]
Ok so I’am sitting on a bunk bed , yes a bunk bed of course the bid nice house was a lie its a two leveled apartment with three room all small. I’m staying in the smallest room with two sets of bunk beds. that I think half the sizes of twins and since my husband refuses to sleep in separate bed for two night I sleept in a wall. When I asked to sleep by my slef the whole group said if you fitted on the couch at his grandmothers whats the Problem.
So t
Lake tahoe looks like a shitty little mountain town with enough […]
This is Ylem the Masochist speaking. And no… Not in a sexual way…
I want to strangle myself until I’m blue. Deprive myself of oxygen. That is just the beginning.
I need a whip. Scourge myself to the brink of dead. See flesh peeling off and blood pouring. Beat myself up like a fucking animal that I am.
I want to cut open my veins and watch the blood pour out. Feel dizzy and drained from all the blood loss.
I’m not done.
Bang myself against the wall until I have a concussion and collapse.
To top it all of. Plunge a knife in my gut and hold my intestines in […]
My step dad is drunk, he keeps yelling at my mom and saying how much he hates me. I was in the basement and he started yelling at me and calling me an asshole. My mom tried to get him to stop but then he attacked her and he grabbed by neck and pushed me against the wall. He’s never done this before, he keeps saying he’s getting a divorce and that it’s half my fault. I really don’t want him to hurt my mom or my sister.
.
This morning (Monday) I finally got to sleep for the first time since Friday.
Slept for 12-13 hours, and still woke up feeling like someone who could give zombie-lessons.
I can sit and stare at the wall for an hour, doing nothing and thinking almost nothing, before my brain finally nudges me into consciousness.
Something is definitely weird.
I have two different doctor appointments next week, so maybe one of them will have an idea what’s going on.
Until then, hi, everybody.
Mondays are rotten for most people, so […]
Happy Leap Day
Well, today is an oddball for sure. I think there’s even a leap second or something to go with the leap day, but I’m not 100% sure about that.
Anyway, speaking of leaping things, I wish I could leap. Over this fucking wall of depression. I’m sure many feel similar.
Fuck.
The past couple of weeks, I’ve been really down on myself. Looking in while looking out at the same time. It’s been hard. I don’t know what I really want from life, I really don’t. If I am honest, not sure I want anything at all.
I came by this forum a few months back, been hit or miss for me, like a mad hit and run. You guys are great. And the I thought I would share something totally off the wall with you all. I was in very much in need of a good laugh, so I turned to a program to which again, […]
Really just feel stuck against a wall. I’m joined to someone who wants to fix me. Sure my emotions can be intense. Ups and downs, but I’m OK with that. I have my vices and quirks. I’m OK with those too. They continually force me into shoes that don’t fit, then go off when I express discomfort. They bleed all the joy from the little things in life, they work diligently to prevent the bigger ones. Then mock my misery.
They sit me down for “serious time” to get to a deeper level of understanding. History has proven that just refills their arsenal to use against […]
I failed again :(all they did was forcefully pump pills from my stomach and ship me off to a mental hospital for three days worth nothing. I drew a picture on the wall with a girl with a noose and they thought to keep me longer but mom wanted me home. Wish she would have left me there.now i have to contemplate doing it again cause its not gonna stop till im dead.but i wish it would. Pills are useless.i need to be more creative. I will try drinking dishwasher soap this time . though I don’t know when. And i hope these are my […]
Do you ever just lay there and listen to the way your house breathes? Do you ever just lay there and watch as the shadows on your wall slowly change and grow as the time passes and the suns position changes? I can feel my depression breathing deep in my gut, spreading its shadow into my heart. It ways heavily and I fear there is not much I can do to stop it anymore. Slowing it seems to be my only option, but its triumph is inevitable. I hate feeling this way. I wish there was an option to surgically remove this depression and anxiety. […]
October rain this is especially for you.
I thought about writing a poem examining the similarities of dancing and typing (writing). However, it’s impossible to wring out a dried sponge. Hahahehehoha… Anyone up for scrambled eggs? I’m sure my brain is just as scrambled and just as tasteless. It sucks living in both the past and the present. A world of reality and fantasy every single day… Every goddamn second! Even as I type, the responses are being predicted or would it be lack of? I’m not sure I even care, maybe I’m just trying to prevent myself from banging my head into the wall over and over… My head hurts and […]
I’ve been feeling suicidal for the best part of 3 months now, but the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult.
I feel like the thoughts are controlling me rather than me being in control of them.
Before, I was thinking, oh i’ll do THIS and THIS is when i’ll do it etc etc.
But recently I’ve been struck by impulsive thoughts where I feel if I drift off for that second too long that I’ll jump in front of a car. I parked my car at work yesterday morning, then found myself stood against the wall of the car park leaning over wondering if I jumped […]
It’s hard feeling so alone sometimes. The nights are cold and long. My body is pretty tired and my mind is worn down from all the overthinking both positively and negatively.
I constantly feel like I’m losing everyone important to me. I have a lot of friends, it’s true, but I long for companionship. I need somebody to console me. I have lost a lot but I’ve thrown away more. I realise that.
It’s hard wanting love but not accepting it. The one thing I want most, is the one thing that I’m terrified of
Feeling unwanted is the sole reason I hurt inside. Yet letting someone in […]
There are these layers within me. The first one is an ugly smile. I wear it when I can.
The second is my humour. Its black and depressive but effective.
The third is a wall of nothing. It stands there as a last outer defense against this world and all of its people.
The fourth is tears. Those pathetic single-tear dramatisations which reveals and inspires the shame of my being.
The fifth is weeping. The kind when you try to keep silent so nobody hears you but can all see the hiccups of your chest. It lasts for a lifetime. Its the thickest, but most fragile wall. It makes […]
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