So I haven’t been back in a while. Not a long while, but a while. I got a job. Saving up for an apartment. Been going to counseling. I’ve noticed I’ve held up my head as I walk to class now. It’s an odd feeling. A little part of me doesn’t like it. I feel like I’m arrogant for feeling confident. When I’ve basically felt so small about myself for so long, this new attitude feels foreign and bad. Can’t really explain it. I told the cashier her hair looked nice. Felt like […]
I need to get out of here.
I can’t live here anymore. I’m here, but when I was last here I was just a ghost. Now I’m a real person again, but I can feel her presence, existing in my peripheral, tugging at me, lapping at me like a tide. I can’t be alive here at the same time that my ghost lingers.
I was away for months and it felt so good. I was like a phoenix reborn, but better. i was a vivacious and inspiring and unstoppable woman. I was so smart for the first time in years. my head was clear and I pulverized […]
“If I drive fast enough…the impact will make it quick.” “If I could just drink a little more, I’ll fall right to sleep…” ” If I could just cut a little deeper…” These thoughts used to scare the hell me…but now, they just hang around in my head, like a lingering headache, that you just can’t seem to get rid off. Death now, doesn’t scare me. I don’t care if there’s ‘another life’ after this one or if I just end up as plant food. I just don’t care anymore. I haven’t cared for a very very long time.
…I don’t care if deep inside, I rot […]
I grabbed the rope, tied it to my doorknob. Tied a slip knot on the other end. Put my hand in the knot and pushed down to see if it would hold. I put the rope around my neck and pushed downwards with my head. I felt nothing but blood rushing to my head. I tried to put the rope lower on my neck, higher. Still nothing. I can’t even kill myself right. I’m such a fucking failure.
The fear of going to hell can only hold me back for so long. My paranoia has gotten the best of me and now I have severe depression. No energy ,ruminating bad thoughts that terrorize me all day long. I’m in hell. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I am fatigued all day my body feels sick . I want to sleep to get away from the thoughts but cant. I’m almost over the edge and ready to snap. I have not drank alcohol for two years but almost ready to drink again and live homeless I don’t care anymore it’s the only thing to […]
She never liked me, but I always thought that maybe she some day would. Three years ago I tried kill myself, because the pain was too much. Because once she said that she doesn’t like me, I never felt so empty. I never stopped think about her, I thought that I could change and became someone that she would like.
Now I feel this hole inside of me. It’s just getting bigger and bigger. Now she has a boyfriend, so I don’t see a reason to continue.
I just want it to stop.
I don’t know what else to do or say. I just want this pain to stop so I can start living my life without feeling like, every day, that I should kill myself. I work so hard at my job and my mind still tells me I’m not good enough. I try my very best in school and my mind still tells me that I should just give up. I’m outgoing, I have friends, I know that my family loves me, but my mind still tells me that I’m completely alone and nobody cares.
I just want this to end, to […]
People always tell me to talk to people about my problems. Almost every person I know will at some point say “Hey if you ever need someone to talk to you can just talk to me.” They tell me to talk, then when I do they don’t listen. I’ll have moments in my life when I feel like my head will explode and so I’ll sometimes unload everything I’m thinking to someone. Some will be very worried and concerned… for at most a few days. Then they assume that I was just having a bad day that day and assume that everything I said that […]
i’m sorry i’m not what you want me to be. Despite what you say, I try hard at everything I do, I don’t half-ass things. I wish you knew how much your words hurts. I wish you wouldn’t make fun of kids who have mental health issues, and I wish you believed that mental health is a serious issue. I want to kill myself, yet I can’t tell you that because you won’t believe me. You constantly tell me how much I’m disappointing you, or how I stress you out, or how much money my extracurriculars cost. So, I wanna make your life easier […]
I cant reply for some reason, again…
“With days going on, I learn more and more about myself.
I had it hard in my life. I still am alone”
This left me shocked. You know, our brain decides to shut down any bad memory and throw it into our inconsciousness thus developing who we really are. The more you dwell on it the more the more you remember everything bad that has you went through.
I remember thinking I went through a normal life, but then I started remembering of being bullied, massively going through physical and menyal abuse by my parents and on and on… It is like […]
Today for the first time finally I stood up for myselfand I was betrayed…by my own mother?! I honestly didn’t see that coming..and now the tears just won’t stop…
With days going on, I learn more and more about myself.
I had it hard in my life. I still am alone. I hid anything I can from people who know me in person.
But sometimes, I feel like I had enough.
I decided, hope for long, to stop crying and ranting about my life. I want to move on, and IF my focus will stay on – “what is bad in my life”, or what bothers me, or all those horrible things that are living in my past and present – then I would never overcome those demons.
If I […]
What is wrong with this world?
In my opinion this world is shit.
My parents divorced, my sister’s treating me and my mom like shit, and hey, there was never a father figure for me. Until high school, I found my father figure in a book. The reason to why I read so many books was the men I found in the books were so kind and ideal. Then, I became really attached to my mom’s boyfriend. Though I don’t think he thinks much of me, I’ve started thinking of him as my father and referred to my friends as such. I guess I tried so much to get love (which I didn’t get ) from him because […]
I don’t know why, but I feel scared. Have the urge to claw at my skin again…
I lost hope in myself. I experienced love and happiness, i’m rather spoiled with all the tech. Yet it’s not helping the fact I have no confidence in myself and my interactions with others. I have friends and family that are normal. I still disappoint them otherwise, seems like I am trap between staying discontent and taking my own life. I don’t want to burden many people with my death. Walking through a forest seems simple enough.
Today I found out what I am most scared of. The thing I fear most is people. If no one existed the only thing I would have to worry about is my own sanity. There are ways to stave off insanity. Finding out my worst fear has given me strength.
I will not kill myself. But I now earnestly pray for a young death. Regardless of my hopes, God will do what God will do. And if God doesnt exist, then whatever happens will happen. My mind tells me this hope of a young death is not probable, yet I hold on to it and […]
found this website while searching for ways to overdose painlessly.. im writingthis when i’m crying so sorry if it’s kind of mushed together. i feel like such a burden on everyone i talk to because i’m sad all the time and i just want to disappear. imtoo scared to try to fall asleep because ill havenothinf but the thoughts in my head so here i am at 1am going through this suicide discussion page relating to thecposts ive eaten almost nothing today and ihavent even left my bed my energy is gone i can’t even manage to soak in the sadness socinfeel so empty i […]