ever since we were young, they always told us we could be anything. we could be an astronaut, or the president, or an artist- whatever we could think of, we could be. because they always told us “skys the limit” or “if you can dream it, you can do it”. but the thing they never told us, were the curveballs life would throw at us. the things that would hinder us incapable of achieving that dream. they never told us how shitty growing up was.
and yet, here i am. just on the cusp of graduating high school, trying to make it through so i […]
I am so fucking sick of this shit. Sick of living by everyone else’s standards and everything that everyone else wants. I fucking hate it.
I hate hearing “do this” or “do that” or “you’re not allowed to do that”. Like just fucking let me live my life without being critiqued on everything I do.
Maybe it’s this critiquing that I have faced over the many years as a child is what turned me into the self hating adolescent I am now. And since I hate myself SO much, I’m just one big pushover who lets people treat me like crap. Which in turn, makes […]
It’s past midnight where I live, and I’m still awake. I’m still awake after taking my remeron, staring at mt celling in the dark. My mind is racing.
It feels like it can’t stop. Or won’t stop. Whatever, it’s not like I’m used to by now. It’s overwhelming living like this, it really is.
Every time I think things are getting better, it’s like something else happens that makes me feel like absolute shit again. It’s hard to find hope when every time you think you found it, it slips away from you.
I know I’ll never be good enough. I know my parents would rather I […]
it needs to be perfect. everything you do needs to be perfect. you need to be perfect.
those are just a few of the thoughts racing around in my head, each and every day. its not like my parents had anything to do with this, no, its all me. im always worrying about everything, always tense, always wanting whatever i do to be perfect.
because i want to be perfect.
what a silly thought right? no one is perfect you might say, or we all have our flaws, or its okay not to be okay. but no, to me, its not. its all or nothing in my […]
she sits on her bed, with tears running down her face
covering her mouth with the sleeve of her sweater to muffle the cries so she doesnt wake anyone up
she sits there, silently crying, wishing someone in this world cared enough
she wonders why shes like this. why shes this depressed ball of sadness and anxiety. why cant she be normal? she asks herself this every day
she knows she’ll never be good enough. she knows that its better to just bite her tongue and not argue. even when she knows shes being walked over. even when she knows shes being taken advantage of
because its better to stay […]
if we all felt love would we still want to die? would we still have the “i dont give a fuck” attitude? if we lived in a perfect world, where everyone was kind, supportive and loving, would suicide rates go down?
this is something i wonder. i wonder about it alot actually, usually in the context of myself. if i felt like people truly cared and loved me, would it make enduring the pain of my illness easier? would things get better? i dont know. but i wonder.
i sometimes also wonder if my hospitalisation has had an impact on my boyfriend. ive tried to be as […]
i wake up every day telling myself that today will be better than yesterday. that i will be happy. that i will get through the day without a mental break down. every day i fail at this. every day some stupid shit goes wrong and sends me spiralling downward. i truly hate myself with all my heart. its funny because im actually looking forward to the future. im looking forward to moving out of this shitty city away from the shitty people. but yet, i always find myself looking at the bottle of 50+ ativan ive been saving for that day where i kill myself. […]
im such a sad excuse of a human being. someway, somehow, i manage to fuck everything up. i really fucking hate myself, down to the core. my friends dont actually care, my classmates dont actually care, my boyfriend sure as hell doesnt.
in fact i bet my boyfriend is only dating me cause im easy. or if he broke up with me he doesnt want to live with the guilt of me killing myself. the one person i thought was different really isnt shit.
i thought my friends understood. but they dont. its still a constant state of “well youll get better” or “you can […]
last night i went for a run at night. it was pretty foggy and cold but i decided to go for it anyway. i ran as fast as i could through the trees and down the sidewalk, hardly being able to see 10 feet in front of me. i ran until my legs burned, until my lungs couldn’t handle it anymore.
i ran and ran and i just kept wishing i could run forever, away from my problems. away from this shitty city. away from these shitty people. i just wanted to run, and never stop.
there are train tracks near my house, and every time […]
for the first time in months id actually say im starting to feel better. im on a new medication, ive accepted my offer to my first choice university, and im on track for alot of good things. im not by any means “happy” but im definitely feeling better. things are starting to lighten up for me, and its a nice feeling. but something that keeps dragging me down, is my boyfriend. someone who i thought was always going to be there and support me… well hes not so supportive anymore. needless to say, im quite upset. it sucks when you know hes the anchor dragging […]
for once in my life i want to feel like i am enough. i want to feel like ive accomplished things, great things. things that people will remember. i want to feel like people value me as a person. i want to feel like ive impacted the world in a good way. i dont want to be invisible. i just want to feel like im good enough.
i dont even fucking feel good enough for my illness. i feel like this is my fault that im depressed. that its my fault i have anxiety. i feel like fucking shit and im mad at myself for […]
i am so fucking worthless. from my head to my toes, i hate myself. i care for people who dont care about me, and maybe thats my problem. maybe thats why i feel so worthless.
it hurts when you know that youre always the one there for your friends. whether its 2am or 2pm, youre there. dropping what your doing to support them, because thats the kind of person you are. the kind that cares too much and falls in love too hard. maybe the reason why im always there for people is because i never want them to feel as alone as i do. because […]
im having a panic attack. over what? i dont know to be sure. but i feel sick. i feel like people are moving on without me. i feel like because ive been in the psych ward for 7 weeks people dont really care. i have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and i cant make it go away. im hyperventilating and the world around me keeps like its closing in. im shaking. i really just want to feel loved and valued. i might be feeling better than i have in months, but for some reason none of that matters anymore. i just […]
every time i think things are getting better, they just go to shit again. i just want to fucking feel happy in my life, but apparently fate doesnt want that for me. i continuously ask myself, why arent i good enough? why am i such a fuck up. why cant i do anything right. you see, i have a boyfriend who ive been with for nine months now. i can just feel him getting tired of my shit. i say i love you to him and he doesnt say it back. he doesnt even seem to give a fuck about me anymore. i mean hes […]
every 40 seconds someone in the world dies by suicide.
every 40 seconds i wish i was one of those people.
i wake up and look at myself in the mirror and hate who i am. i hate my skin, clothes, body face; you name it. it wasnt always like this, really. i used to be so fun and joyful and happy.. what happened? i would die to go back to those times when i loved myself, when i was content with life, when i smiled every day. my life feels like a series of unfortunate events, just happening one after another. its funny because from […]
every person on this planet has problems. issues of their own that they wish werent existent in their lives. some have bigger problems than others, but we shouldnt be allowed to dismiss other peoples problems just because they dont seem “big enough”. big or small, problems are problems, and my question is; why do we have to feel guilty about feeling emotion over issues that seem irrelevant.
we should be allowed to feel however we want to feel. a major problem to someone, might be considered a minor one to another. but we shouldnt be allowed to judge people based on that. emotions are something […]
anyone here on antidepressants? anyone here know the numb feeling you get when your on the drug that isnt right for you? im on prozac right now and all i feel is the intense urge to die. i feel incredibly more suicidal on prozac now, more than i ever was before. but for some reason, my doctor doesnt think its the drug. i dont feel like myself though. i feel so out of touch with my feelings and i just feel so numb about everything. theres nothing coming in between myself and my suicidal plans, because i have no feelings. has anyone else felt this […]
im a coward. one big coward with daddy issues. to him, it seems like my problems are far from real, and that they’re just in my head. that if i just “thought” about being happy, i would be. newsflash, depression doesn’t work like that. i cant just turn my suicidal thoughts off. believe me, i would if i could. but i cant, and thats why im sitting here in the psych ward hating myself and wondering why im still alive. id be happy if it was that easy.
but instead, the doctors are trying to get me to talk to my father about my feelings. but […]
sick and tired. thats what i am. stupid me for breaking down at school and telling the school guidance counsellor about my plans to kill myself. right back to the psych ward is where she took me. i cant believe i cracked, i wish i didnt. now im here against my will for who knows how long. im so angry. so angry and tired of people making my hospitalisation for wanting to kill myself about them. “dont you think about your impact” yes, of course i do. but do i care? i dont. im so numb and sick of people telling me it gets better […]
yesterday was my birthday. i originally planed for it to be the day i killed myself, but i held on. just to say i made it another year, you know? well, maybe i should have went through with my plan, because while i was walking home, i was sexually assaulted. what a great fucking present. i cant even describe what im feeling now. as if i dont have enough issues of my own. its just what what i needed. i cant stay strong forever. i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate all of this.