beautifulsinner

I am so fucking sick of this shit. Sick of living by everyone else’s standards and everything that everyone else wants. I fucking hate it.

I hate hearing “do this” or “do that” or “you’re not allowed to do that”. Like just fucking let me live my life without being critiqued on everything I do.

Maybe it’s this critiquing that I have faced over the many years as a child is what turned me into the self hating adolescent I am now. And since I hate myself SO much, I’m just one big pushover who lets people treat me like crap. Which in turn, makes […]

she sits on her bed, with tears running down her face

covering her mouth with the sleeve of her sweater to muffle the cries so she doesnt wake anyone up

she sits there, silently crying, wishing someone in this world cared enough

she wonders why shes like this. why shes this depressed ball of sadness and anxiety. why cant she be normal? she asks herself this every day

she knows she’ll never be good enough. she knows that its better to just bite her tongue and not argue. even when she knows shes being walked over. even when she knows shes being taken advantage of

because its better to stay […]

i wake up every day telling myself that today will be better than yesterday. that i will be happy. that i will get through the day without a mental break down. every day i fail at this. every day some stupid shit goes wrong and sends me spiralling downward. i truly hate myself with all my heart. its funny because im actually looking forward to the future. im looking forward to moving out of this shitty city away from the shitty people. but yet, i always find myself looking at the bottle of 50+ ativan ive been saving for that day where i kill myself. […]

im such a sad excuse of a human being. someway, somehow, i manage to fuck everything up. i really fucking hate myself, down to the core. my friends dont actually care, my classmates dont actually care, my boyfriend sure as hell doesnt.

in fact i bet my boyfriend is only dating me cause im easy. or if he broke up with me he doesnt want to live with the guilt of me killing myself. the one person i thought was different really isnt shit.

i thought my friends understood. but they dont. its still a constant state of “well youll get better” or “you can […]

last night i went for a run at night. it was pretty foggy and cold but i decided to go for it anyway. i ran as fast as i could through the trees and down the sidewalk, hardly being able to see 10 feet in front of me. i ran until my legs burned, until my lungs couldn’t handle it anymore.

i ran and ran and i just kept wishing i could run forever, away from my problems. away from this shitty city. away from these shitty people. i just wanted to run, and never stop.

there are train tracks near my house, and every time […]

for the first time in months id actually say im starting to feel better. im on a new medication, ive accepted my offer to my first choice university, and im on track for alot of good things. im not by any means “happy” but im definitely feeling better. things are starting to lighten up for me, and its a nice feeling. but something that keeps dragging me down, is my boyfriend. someone who i thought was always going to be there and support me… well hes not so supportive anymore. needless to say, im quite upset. it sucks when you know hes the anchor dragging […]

for once in my life i want to feel like i am enough. i want to feel like ive accomplished things, great things. things that people will remember. i want to feel like people value me as a person. i want to feel like ive impacted the world in a good way. i dont want to be invisible. i just want to feel like im good enough.

i dont even fucking feel good enough for my illness. i feel like this is my fault that im depressed. that its my fault i have anxiety. i feel like fucking shit and im mad at myself for […]

im having a panic attack. over what? i dont know to be sure. but i feel sick. i feel like people are moving on without me. i feel like because ive been in the psych ward for 7 weeks people dont really care. i have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and i cant make it go away. im hyperventilating and the world around me keeps like its closing in. im shaking. i really just want to feel loved and valued. i might be feeling better than i have in months, but for some reason none of that matters anymore. i just […]