HEEEEERE I AM IIIIIM DRRRRRUNK AAAAGAIN!!!! LOL
its the weekend and until tomorrow morning my emotions and stuff can take a hike.
Abandoned
Why cant they understand that!? Im not worth it anymore. Im not the same person they loved. Im someone different now. Im not the me that they loved.
Update because thank you radio for reminding me.
Mothers day is coming up. I have 3 mothers yet none. My biomother who is a f*cking c*nt that started all this bs in my life. My stepmother who swears up and down that she loves me but i almost never hear from her and my mother-in-law, which just isnt the same as im sure some of you understand or maybe you all understand idk. Point is i f*cking […]
Idk why i chose this to be the topic of todays post. Maybe because i remembered and i feel like shit now. Even though its not my fault.
Ever watch the big bang theory? I only saw a little bit. I was at a family friends house with my parents. I think it was sheldon. I dont remember it was YEARS ago. Anyway he said something like “kids are like pancakes the first is always a fail” and my parents agreed. To our friends. With me RIGHT THERE. It took everything in me to not cry right then and there. And they all laughed. All […]
“Im wrong aint i? Its real isnt it?”
“Its real”
This is the conversation i had with my friend before leaving for work this morning. Deep down you know its all real, but you dont want to know. This morning i told my friend that my dissociation is different now. Everything use to be distant. I could reach out but reality was just too far away. Lately ive just been feeling dead. Like im in a coma. Like this life of mine isnt real. I told him i was waiting to wake up. That i was waiting to wake up to a happy life, with a […]
Im scared of the nothingness and uncertainty that comes with death. But how can i be scared of what i already am.
Whats any of it matter anyway. They all stripped away my chances of life. No happy family. No children. No drivers license. No independancy. Nothing. Its all gone.
How much longer until i wake up from this nightmare?
So the topic of todays post.
How do you feel about where you currently are in life? And im not looking for a simple you hate it. Why do you hate it? What about it do you hate? Have you gotten use to it?
Personally, im a little bit of both. In some moments thats my life and whatever. In other moments i hate it. I hate always changing my mind. Not being able to stick with anything. I hate how it feels like i lack control over most if not all things. Do i want to hit my head off the wall? No, but […]
YAY STILL NO BOOZE. at least people say thats a good thing. idk
anyway i had this idea a while ago and lilsuicideangel007 reminded me of it. and im curious if it would help others.
so i was wanting to cut one day a little while back but at the same time not really. then i got to wondering if maybe theres an app for that. well not saying there isnt just saying i didnt find one on the google play store. (if you know of one cool and pretty please tell me?) so what im thinking is what if there was an app for cutting. you […]
i am starting over, sort of. i am currently high so thats not it. however i havent had a drink. one problem at a time. ill tell him a few days into this so he can forget about my mistake and just focus on the past few days. anyway, not why im here today, just thought id give a quick update.
they lied to me. they tricked me. they played on my biggest fear. OVER SOMETHING STUPID! heres what happened.
they were always yelling at me to clean my room. ok it wasnt the cleanest room in the house but i knew where all my stuff […]
It doesn’t matter if I die today,
tomorrow, or years from now.
It will still hurt you the same.
i always wondered about robin williams death. what happened that someone so amazing, so well loved, could just……commit suicide. well i finally read up on it today and for those interested…https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2018/05/robin-williams-death-biography-dave-itzkoff-excerpt
paranoia, staring into nothingness, banging your head off walls……
what happened to him, looking at both situations from a few steps back obviously they arent exactly the same, is almost like a perfect mirror of my life. if someone like him couldnt find help, couldnt be save, what chances do i have?
today seems like a good day to be drunk.
the 17th and 18th was my mothers bday and anniversary (i can never remember which is which) my father messaged me. i didnt sleep last night so i feel like shit and i cant stop thinking about death. if anything a drink would do me good today
Technically true i still havent had a drink. Although ill be honest…ive been high for the past few days. (He doesnt know…..yeah ill tell him….later.) for now id like to focus on the fact that today i figured out that i can stop drinking and smoking up outside of a recreational weekend thingy. Just not in my current situation. Once i get moved and i can do things i like again then ill be too busy to smoke up or drink plus my brain will be overall busy as well. Yes there will still be bad days but the ocassional bad day is better then […]
(technically day 11 because of yesterday but whatever im just counting days)
although im wondering whats the point. i already fucked up. i dont want to stop drinking and smoking up. but he will never be happy for as long as im doing it. i still think he would be better off without me. why cant he see that. why cant he just go away and forget about me.
repetitive conversation at this point. forget it. i know the answer. and i cant convince him. ive even tried to make him hate me and it wont work. of course making him hate me without upsetting him is […]
Sort of…
YES! I LIT IT OK!?
1) its only half gone
2) im getting back on the sober train right now. It was just to take the edge off. I mean the inportant thing is i dont go back to being high 24/7 right. And i havent touched any alcohol. So its not that bad right?
No i havent told him yet. But i told him i rolled it. His response was….well….”you should unroll it” dude….it doesnt work that way. But it was cute. What i didnt tell him was if i wanted to i could have cut it open and put the weed back […]
ill be honest….i cant see me making it through the day. i think i can leave the alcohol alone for now. but a joint seems inviting.
i rolled it. just dont smoke it right? i want to forget reality though. but hes proud of me. i dont want to ruin that.
he is happy that i made it past my last record of a week. and i did tell him no matter what id be sober the day of his bday. yeah i had to tell him…i knew it was a matter of time before i messed up and i didnt what to have to tell […]
so im over my last record of a week, and every part of me is wondering why im bothering. im just gonna go back to drinking and smoking up. but its his bday, and i fucked it up big time last year. stupid mental disorders. its only a few more weeks…..however with each passing day i want it more and more. i thought things were suppose to get easier.
also (disclaimer not saying anyone should just wondering other peoples opinion on the subject) why not? i mean yolo right? and if we’re suicidal anyway why not live our life the way we please until our […]
idk. the more and more i think about it the more and more i wonder how bad drinking and smoking up really is. its better then this reality that haunts me every waking second
i feel like shit. i woke up feeling ok. i dont know what happened. and im not eating. i just looked at my breakfast and felt revolted pushing it aside. ive been dealing with a headache since yesterday. i took like 4 advil yesterday and today its even worse. everything was fine just an hour ago. it was actually amazing, i saw a bald eagle yesterday and it was no more then 20ft then me, i heard a coyote pack howling (which honestly scared me lol) and i was still going on about it this morning then i was doing some jigsaw puzzles and now […]
Aside from my mental breakdown this morning… im not feeling too bad today.
am i really doing the right thing here? once the month is up…..i might wait a little longer until after his bday considering i started a few days sooner then i planned but aside from that….once the month is up. im going back to drinking and smoking up all the time. it was the one time i wasnt suicidal. the one time where death wasnt on my mind. why am i even bothering if im going to go back to it like i never stopped? idk. maybe my mind will chance by then and even if it doesnt the occasional break will be good for […]