You’re on all sides. Speaking to me. Watching me. Breathing in my ears. I can feel you. I can hear you. You’re telling me I am not worth a shit. I believe you. I am not. Imminent fear. Impending doom. My heart beating through my chest, the inability to catch my breath. I want out. I am weary of this, I am weary of doctors, I am just weary. The weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I am collapsing. Free me. Through death. Slit my throat, jump from a high bridge to an unforgiving surface below, overdose. Free me. You’re inviting me […]
Chronic Pain
Every day its the same thing, a deep pain inside of me that pushes me to have no motivation or will to live. It just keeps getting harder. All the people in my town are stuck up and have huge egos. No one ever cares. It is so hard to live in a world where everyone can just betray and ridicule me. I don’t want to be on this planet but I don’t want to be selfish either. No one understands how much they hurt me and they continue to step all over me. One day I will believe things are getting better and be […]
How do you see your life? Be honest, not to me, but to yourself. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and just think. These thoughts are something you never have to share, and might alter your viewpoint on the world slightly. But, maybe not. I’m just curious how we’ve evolved to a world of depression and suicide. For anyone reading this, they have something. Access to a computer, a smart-phone or a tablet what have you. The ability to read English and thus more-than likely write it. For some this is a blessing, a privilege that a majority of the world can’t say they […]
This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]
I have been ill a very long time.
As time goes by I developed severe brain pain and more. Almost 2 decades. It’s become unbearable. I have no life to speak of. Doctors have been useless.
I am wanting to look at possible alternatives to dying that are not very painful.
There are lots of people in this world that are physically worse off than I am physically. The only positive thing I can say, is I am glad I do not have to endure their pain, and I am sorry they hurt.
I have neuropathy, arthritis throughout my body from my feet( in the words of the Podiatrist “you have more arthritis than a 90 year old”) to my back, degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis in the lumbar and thoracic spine, bulging discs. Back to my feet. I have a subtalar coalition. Fancy words for fused joints. This was not done surgically. This is as a […]
…Jump. Been in the longest relationship with her my whole life. Even though I’m pretty young, it feels like it’s been forever with her. Funny I never liked people. I counted it off as being anti social or just not being able to put up with people’s shit. It felt cool. I always ditched public outings with”friends” just to hang out with her. Even in the emptiness I find peace.
They always ask me, “why don’t you come around”. I say “I’m busy; I’m busy with her”
‘Who is she?” Man I couldn’t tell them. Well to be fair I didn’t know who “she” was. […]
Man, never wouldve thought for once in my life id be at a family like this. I had it all planned out yknow? . 17 in a couple of months and i feel absolutely shit. I eat and eat to shove down all the pain. It used to work. But now its just diabeties and overweight scares. I need to not feel anything. Ive always womdered how people do that. They completely turn emotions off. Man!.
My first post on here happy to be here?
… because I find it hard to believe that “the world would be much different place without you”
I’m sure many of us have heard this phrase before that we hear people say to others in an attempt to try and prevent them from taking their own life. However, if I was standing on the edge and ready to jump and someone said that to me I’m afraid that it wouldn’t persuade me to not kill myself because I’m pretty sure I would respond with something like: “The World? The World will remain the same. It will continue to spin on its axis. It will continue […]
Wow, just wow. I’ve been doing better without any friends but it was really hard in the beginning. So after a week I check my messages: 0 Just why do I care so much…? When you’re someone, that has so much affection to give, what the hell do you do.? Seems like, everyone who’s not depressed, is just not much of a friend these days. Oh, to be 16 again and have a bunch of depressed friends and they have so much free time, you could actually form a ball of clay and stick together for forever. Loneliness is no joke…
I feel like I’m destined to forever walk this Earth alone with no one to love
It seems like every day I wake up questioning whether love will ever find me. Whether I will ever meet someone that I can love romantically. Someone who can love, appreciate and accept who I am even my flaws as I will do the same for them. Or that anyone would ever find me attractive. Every day I can never seem to shake the belief that I am destined to forever walk the earth alone until the day that I die, not knowing what it feels like to have someone love you or what it feels like to love someone. Or maybe it’s that I […]
Have you ever kept the seriousness of your mental state to yourself.? Just to finally open up to a person and they’re not being understanding whatsoever.? Yeah, well. That happened to me tonight.
It’s night and I’m miserable. I’ve told my friend, that they have not been there at all, when I needed them to be. And I understand, that they are busy and I’ve been ever so patient. But it only goes so far, you know.? I’ve been feeling extremely lonely lately. I’ve just slept 18 hours straight. I’ve reached out to many people, just to get nothing back in return. Isn’t that already […]
At this point, the glass isn’t half empty or half full, the glass is shattered and the pieces are embedded deep in my flesh. I have final “insurance” if you will, I’m just waiting for the right time to use it. I’ve practiced over and over. It’s not a matter of if I choose to make my exit, but when. And oddly enough, having a surefire “insurance” policy helps me through the bad moments, the mere knowledge that I can reliably end it when I choose to do so, when the time comes, is almost enough to bring me peace. I’m playing a sick game […]
Do you ever feel like your head is just a place of storage of memories of all of the wrong you’ve made? I try to focus on the happy memories but my mind is in an eternal loop of all of the things I’ve fucked up. The people I’ve hurt. The shit I’ve done to my body. To my mind.
And I try to break the cycle and sometimes I can feel a little bit better but it’s just a few days and then I fall into the dark again. And my mind keeps making scenarios of my death and what it would be like. […]
Today was a bad day. Symptoms are very bad. They get worse and not better. Crazy to think how even 1 month ago things weren’t as bad. 6 months ago the symptoms first started. At this rate, I’ll be dead in another 6 months. Begging for the hospital and my doctor to help me. Admit me to hospital and treat me properly. Still waiting for the neurologist to give me an appointment. I’m convinced they think I’m making it all up in my head. I wish I was. I want to make it through this illness and get better. I have so much to lose. […]
I’ve lost near all hope, yet idk what that entity is and why It keeps this flame alive. But when that time comes I’ll know I would be free to do anything without guilt and insecurities.
All i know is that this hope holds me here, chained, while oxygen feeds into my soul. The air feels thin. The weight feels heavier. The people.. those parasites. They refuse to understand that we are barbaric by Nature. Crule and capable of extreme physical and mental dangers to the living. Pretending that Light is bright enough to chase out the darkness. But in this world you cant have good […]
Why am I this way? I wish I was handsome. I wish I had a nice smile but I’m ashamed of my smile. I have so few friends, there has to be something wrong with me. I wish I was the type of person to draw people towards me. I wish I accomplished something in my life so that I could have something, so that my daughter could have something. I wish I had a real family that really loved each other, unlike the weird, finite, or selfish love that is shown everywhere. I wish that I wasn’t a single dad. I wish I was […]
It was back in January. Our friends and I were sat all of five feet away from her casket during the service. She wasn’t religious, but they held a service anyway.
I felt like I couldn’t be seen crying. My friends were distraught, feeling sick and bawling like newborns. I was like a rock. I don’t think I cried at all. How sick does that make me? The monster who didn’t cry at their friend’s funeral. What’s worse is I’m now realising I never got to break down like them. I didn’t cry for hours or get comforted by doting parents. I was left […]
About 3 years ago, I had my first “real” suicide attempt after I was raped at prom (I don’t count all the times I went to sleep with things tight around my neck). For a year or two after, I struggled with suicidal and shame-filled thoughts and was desperate to find an escape. I finally did in the form of my boyfriend who came with a brand new family and a brand new life. For a while I forgot about all the trauma and sadness, I was able to bury it deep under all the new excitement and hope I had. Unfortunately, for the past […]
I’ve been thinking about things that have happened to me a lot lately, and I have realised that I am stranded, stuck, lost, alone in this world now.
My parents, as much as I love them dearly, have no idea about what I’ve been through, and wouldn’t (couldn’t) understand if they did.
My friends don’t understand why I am not the same, why I am not the old me. They have noticed that I am not miraculously better, even after being given time and space.
The only one who does know, is the one that left me like this, and they don’t care. They just went back to […]