Chronic Pain

Its been a while since I last posted. I visit the site once or twice a week lately, but don’t stay very long…unsure why. Many of you have shown concern for me…I am surprised by this, I would’ve never guessed people would do this. I don’t see myself as the type others would think about. Anyhow. Thank you for this, it makes me feel…human? Better? Alive? Please know I’m grateful,  Idfk Anymore.

A lot has happened since my last post March 28th. I wrote that post as I was sitting in the emergency room, having been remanded into custody by a counselor I’d been seeing weekly […]

There is no going back to that other person, that other place, this thing, this stranger, she is all you are now.

Just a line from a movie, but it is so true.

There is no healing in regression, because regression is not an option.  There is only forward motion and it’s pain, or there is stagnation, and its pain.  Either way.  The universe holds its arms wide open to you, and says “Welcome”, as it smears shit across your face and destroys your heart.

For me, the worst pain is the pain inflicted by a taunting promise that says change is possible, yet inside, I’m too crippled […]

and…. nothing. Not even my stomach hurts, let alone kill me. The thing fizzled in my mouth and while it did feel funny I was not hurt. What a waste of a napkin.

They weren’t wrong when they called me an idiot for this behaviour, can’t believe this is going to be my first post after stalking this website accountless for years.