My family always called me a glow stick because I shine to them with my fake smile, I don’t need your pity when my life sucks ass? and I’m in love with a Taurus male. It’s important I’ve known him for so long and we both love each other in a romantic relationship way. So we are kinda just really close friends. My friends probably know who this is already I know too. But what do they really know about me? I don’t even know myself or who I am.. all I know is for a fact I love him, he loves me. It’s started […]
my nightmares have gotten worse. my fear of being asleep is debilitating. it’s getting harder and harder to remind myself that i’m being excessively paranoid about things that are “unlikely” or some shit. i’m convinced that i’m constantly in danger. i don’t like being asleep because it means i can’t defend myself or my family. i don’t like not being in control of my surroundings. i want barbed wire on the fence. i want a taser. i want a full, realtime security system where there’s a security agent constantly watching the cameras and who will call 911 when something is happening. i want to be […]
Its been a while since I last posted. I visit the site once or twice a week lately, but don’t stay very long…unsure why. Many of you have shown concern for me…I am surprised by this, I would’ve never guessed people would do this. I don’t see myself as the type others would think about. Anyhow. Thank you for this, it makes me feel…human? Better? Alive? Please know I’m grateful, Idfk Anymore.
A lot has happened since my last post March 28th. I wrote that post as I was sitting in the emergency room, having been remanded into custody by a counselor I’d been seeing weekly […]
I’ve fought so hard for this. My whole life, I’ve never been able to feel positive emotions . I can remember some memories from when I truly felt joy, when I used to hang out with some friends but nothing more than that. I’ve spent hours days trying to dig up some happy memories but nothing. I’m nothing more than an abused child, nothing more than my past. I wanna be able to feel something, anything. All I can think about nonstop is how to hurt myself. I’ve thought about burning myself to death, cutting a finger, breaking a leg. Some very violent ideas are […]
the easy way out. it’s tempting. I don’t know. but i cannot step foot out of this house without thinking about my family.. about they might feel. I don’t want to leave them with my selfish decision. I don’t know what i want… but it seems so easy.
I’m tired. I’m so done. I want to kill myself because of how much of a failure I’ve become. My mother is mad at me and is ignoring me. My father doesn’t really talk to me much. My friends never text me anymore, only when i text them. Im failing classes. I don’t see a point in being alive anymore when everything around me is falling apart. I’m so tired of having to live. I’ve been trying to make everyone around me (in my household + coworkers) believe that I’m 100% and that nothing can phase me.. but I’m so broken to the point it […]
I think i might suffer from ptsd And my relationship with my father is pretty bad. We’ve never been really close especially after some events that happened in my childhood. Long story short, verbal and physical abuse. He even used to beat my cat. At best, he would totally ignore my existence, greeting everyone on the table except me, at worst call me a dog in front of guests, whispering that i was digusting. I was pretty badly beaten by my sibling n he n my mum would make me apologize everytime that happened. It was pretty rough man. Sometimes i wonder how i made […]
anyway just leaving this up
“Postal” has made creepy comments bordering on sexual harassment on System’s posts, posts the same incoherent bullshit over and over again while aware of their actions, irritates everybody here except those naïve enough to talk to her, posted stories, selfies and comments that don’t line up and contradict each other, masqueraded as multiple alts, harassed members here with flat out blatant lies, please get rid of them now, I don’t want to see this bullshit when I come here
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I’m really losing my mind and i don’t know what to do. i just can’t get used to this feeling, the sadness, the hopelessness. I feel nothing. The only two emotions that exist in my mind are anger and sadness. I don’t wanna die but Im extremely tired. My psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants , but i don’t know i’ve read so many bad things abt them. I’m afraid that they would change me or make me « dumber ». If someone has already tried em, please help me out.
Time is a heartless master in an entropy driven world. For those who are suffering, it drags and drags on, while for those living in pleasure, the clock can’t ever seem to slow down.
I wish people could fathom the pain I have endure everyday. The pain I have endured for well over a decade now, since I was only 10 years old and became fully aware of how cruel the world around me was. I was always told time heals all […]
To The Person That I Mirrored Myself
Despite the fact that I am fully aware of what is going on in your life, your inspirational and motivational messages captivated me. I admire your ways of dealing with life because I don’t. Four years ago, I was in your shoes. I am a goal-oriented person who is concerned with the future and success. I was a “church girl” who read scriptures always and prayed three times a day, […]
I’m so not okay, I can’t feel anymore. This darkness inside of me is growing so rapidly that I can’t even control it anymore. I have nothing, nothing at all. Only the pain in my heart. Nobody even sees me anymore, I’ve become someone I don’t even know, I’m so fucking lost. I’ve tried to end it all twice and both times I woke up the next day, contemplating my life again. My heart feels heavy all the time, yet I’m numb to everything. I look at myself in the mirror, while I’m crying and I don’t see myself in my eyes anymore, I don’t […]
When I was in the russian supermarket today, the happy disco music which my mother said, was from her youth, didn’t sound so happy to me. Frankly I wasn’t hearing it at all. I was spaced out. I couldn’t believe I was so deeply unhappy with my life and for how unkind people had been all my life towards me. I didn’t even know what I wanted. Cookies, coffee, cinnamon.? I want nothing. I just want these thoughts to stop.
For every friend talking to their important friends or posting something on instagram instead of talking to me. I’m just f*cking done. I was a long […]
I’m young, and some people might think that i haven’t known real pain. I’m turning 19 this year and life isn’t going good. My depression first started years ago when my parents degraded me, even calling me a moron for not doing well in my exam. I was humiliated so i started to do well in my next exams and i did well in highschool. It wasn’t enough for them, they still degraded me even when i got an above average result. I got an offer to enter a uni but i got rejected, probably i wasn’t good enough for them. I don’t have enough […]
There is no going back to that other person, that other place, this thing, this stranger, she is all you are now.
Just a line from a movie, but it is so true.
There is no healing in regression, because regression is not an option. There is only forward motion and it’s pain, or there is stagnation, and its pain. Either way. The universe holds its arms wide open to you, and says “Welcome”, as it smears shit across your face and destroys your heart.
For me, the worst pain is the pain inflicted by a taunting promise that says change is possible, yet inside, I’m too crippled […]
“Hey dudes I’m afraid I’ll hurt people if I leave”.
Really? Come on dude. You’d have to have pretty low emotional intelligence to honestly ask yourselves this question. Can we be honest here? Completely honest? How many of you actually think this? How many of you are just using this an excuse, a cover-up not to leave? Bargaining by saying these people will be “hurt” if you leave and they’ll miss you lmao. Or pretending that you care HAHA! What kind of reasoning is this? How do you have so much trouble with a simple matter of discretion?
I can’t imagine many of us have people […]
I have been both depressed and mentally ill for as long as I can remember. Despite this, I have managed in my late 20’s to have a stable career, a place of my own, and even decent bonds with friends. On the surface I have “made it” or at least I should feel that way, yet I still want to end my life every single day.
I wake up to go to work, a job I actually like doing and pays well, and yet I look myself in the eye and think “Why am I even bothering?” Every day feels about the same: wake up, work […]
It seems that like on my “good days” I’m a pessimist and on my “bad days” I reach my breaking point, turn into a full nihilist, lose my sanity and laugh at the very notion that my life has any value or deserves anything good. I can’t ignore the fact that nothing we do matters or that on a geological or cosmic scale we are utterly meaningless. So why should we view ourselves as having any value because I certainly can’t seem to do that no matter what other people tell me. Whenever someone tells me that my life is valuable I have to fight […]
and…. nothing. Not even my stomach hurts, let alone kill me. The thing fizzled in my mouth and while it did feel funny I was not hurt. What a waste of a napkin.
They weren’t wrong when they called me an idiot for this behaviour, can’t believe this is going to be my first post after stalking this website accountless for years.
I want to make this thread, to gather people like me, who probably considering suicide because “i’m being a burden to others”. Other people that want to talk about the topic but don’t actually have that personal experience are also welcome.
For me? I felt that i have been a huge burden for my family, I’m the first kid in my family (male), i have a little sister in highschool, i’m still in college, but i have somewhat realized that i’m incompetent at times, can’t make any money, and just generally being a burden and a nuisance for my parent. I’m not “The Perfect Kid” That’s […]