The effects of suicide on family and friends.
does anyone else feel like they have reached out but received zero support? I’ve tried my best friend, and doctor yet neither seemed to take it seriously.
The effects of suicide on family and friends.
Last Friday I nearly killed myself. I have been spiralling worse and worse over the last couple of years. 2 years ago my best friend killed himself, and it has amplified and set my pre-existing depressive feelings out of control. I have been cracking down the last couple of weeks, drinking heavily and doing drugs. On Friday I got really drunk and split off from my friends. A few hours later, at around 3a.m I walked toward the local river. I stood on a the bridge over the slight drop into the water, just looking at first. It was very pretty. Then I started thinking how easily I could just jump facefirst into the rocks and let the water drown me. It wasn’t a huge drop, but I know with enough force against those rocks it could be enough to maybe knock me unconscious. And I stood there, for what must have been an hour, just one slight motion from the jump. It felt like a dream, but a really sweet dream where I finally get to sleep peacefully. I eventually snapped out of it, acknowledging the damage my friend’s suicide had caused me, our other friends, and his family, and knowing I don’t want to do that to my friends again.
It was scary, and after I started to cry, realising how close I came. I dunno why I posted here, I just feel I need to acknowledge this as something that happened.
I smile often when I’m in public. A strong clear smile.
I laugh loudly as well. So loud you could hear from a hundred miles.
With this I attempt to conceal. To present a false sense to the ones I love.
The people who’s opinions I do wish to preserve.
I try to conceal, not only for me, but also for them.
I do not want to cause them much suffering by knowing me.
I do not want my illness to spread like a plague to them and the heavens.
So I conceal, I hide, I smile, I laugh, I dance, I distract, I please, I HIDE.
Am I the only hidden one?
I can’t stand the thought of my mother, or family walking through my bedroom door and seeing me there lifeless with blood pouring from my body. I know there’s other ways… but no matter what they’ll find out… that it was me who did it. I don’t want my mother to ask the what if’s. She will always blame herself. Other lives and feelings are worth more than mine… so if I have to carry on wanting to kill myself every second just so everyone else is happy, I will. But it’s so, so hard to do and I can’t fucking do this alone anymore. It’s all I think about. Every time I see a window, a sharp object, my damn pills, I just think that it could all be over the moment I do it. And I get a smile. But then I would put my family through all the pain that I was in. Then I put the knife or pills down. I’m still in middle school and there’s pain to last millions of lifetimes. So don’t tell me it gets better. Because it doesn’t. It won’t. But please… tell me how to do this without hurting people. I can’t do this cycle anymore.
When my friends are sad or when I people I admire or look up to are sad or cutting, it makes me want to cut like as if its a trend when it shouldn’t be? I’m a sheep. A follower. If my friends jump off a bridge I would too. So I guess when other people tell me they’re cutting it makes me want to cut or feel sad about my life or feel like it should be bad. Even in movies or tv shows if people have shit lives and cut themselves or commit suicide, it makes me feel like my life is shit and it makes me feel like I am relating to them even though sometimes I’m not. So when other people are depressed whether it be in real life or in movies, it makes me feel like that’s the expectation and I blindly follow the miserable trend even when my life is decent at the time. Is it just me?
i found a new girl, we have been talking for a bit but i think i’m getting to deep to quick. I flirt with her even without trying to and i can’t stop myself. I think i’m breaking her because i’ve started cutting again. I need to break it off but i dont know how. Someone please help me.
all i do now is bs my homework for grueling AP classes i barely care about or fall behind and get chewed out by my parents who i hate to disappoint, but i’m a disappointment anyway i guess lmao what else is new right
my family and friends might love me but i’m starting not to care anymore because i just hate myself so much and become so jealous of their flourishing lives that i’m pretty sure if i were to show how i really feel to other people i’d truly be the burden i believe myself to be deep down
i’m just surviving day by day at this point and i can hardly look forwards to things i usually would be ecstatic about
i feel like i can’t tell anyone
i feel so trapped
i’m so tired
I have an issue were I go to say something, I forget and stutter or when I try to say something it’s awkward and I stutter.. I don’t know how the hell this seemed to develop in me..I seem to forget words.. I’m so embarrassed. My friend was over and I hardly had anything to say…I’m so bad at communicating and when I do try to communicate it’s like I’m speaking stupid. I don’t know how he gets through the day with me, let alone calling me.. I wish I was better.. I wish i wasn’t afraid to speak my mind or be me..
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
I’ve never posted here before, or ever really posted anything about my feelings publicly before. I never learned to properly express my emotions, either. I think that has led to me having a lot of things bottled up inside me. My childhood wasn’t great, so I have a lot of feelings built up about that. I ended up having to act like an adult before I got the chance to really have a childhood. I think that’s really taken a toll on me. I may end up posting here more. It can never hurt to try another way of coping.
It’s been a while since I’ve last been on here. As a matter of fact, it has been a while since I’ve confronted myself about what is going on around me. For the most part, I blame it on school. I have loads of work to do and having to balance it while also dealing with my parent’s bullshit takes up all my time. I guess part of the reason I have not been putting anything on here is also because I fear someone finding out that this account belongs to me. Anyways, things have been all over the place. I have relapsed twice last month and as of today, I am six days clean of cutting. I held on for about 180 days and I didn’t cut but I just kept on feeling numb. At this point I can say that I no longer care, I do not think I am ever going to completely stop cutting. If not cutting, I self harm using other methods. To be completely honest, I do not know how much I have put out there but I’m going to start by saying that I had a set plan. I was not in the country and before I left I told myself that on the day I was supposed to come back I would take my life, but unfortunately I did not. I have nothing to hold on to anymore and I just do not seem to have a purpose.
On a side note, I got my ears pierced a few days ago without asking my parents for permission. Where I live, it is totally legal and you do not need your parents consent as long as it is on your ears. I have asked my mom whether I could get them pierced before but she kept on saying no and although I tried convincing her she wouldn’t listen to me and she would just shut it down. At one point, she was fine with it and told me it is your choice but I know she said it to send me away. Finally, when I went out with a friend, I gathered enough courage to get more piercings. We were at the mall, and I suggested it since there was a pharmacy that would do them for around 16$ for two holes. She called her mom to ask whether she could get it done and her mom said she could only get one. On the other hand, I saw no point in calling my mom because first, she had no idea that I was at the mall since my parents would never be okay with me going out with a friend on my own to the mall. Second, I knew it was a hopeless case and she would say no. Third, I stand to believe that it is my body and it belongs to me which means I am free to do whatever it is I want to do with it, so I did not need her permission to do something to my body. As ironic as it sounds, I was not put into her in order to serve her, if that makes sense. After getting them done, I told my older sister and she said she was glad I finally got them done since she knew how much I have been wanting them. I kept my ears covered for the past few days but I forgot to do so today. I had just finished working out and my mom was calling my siblings and I in order for us to have lunch. I hurried and forgot to put my hair done so when I was half way done with my lunch, my mom asks me whether I got my ears pierced and frightened I say no, she gets up and asks again so I said yes. She came closer and started hitting the place I got pierced and I told her to stop because it hurts. She kept on hitting me while asking where I got them and how. With my dad just sitting there, I lied and said I got them when I went with them to the mall, since I visited the mall the day after getting them pierced but with them. She kept on implying that obviously I’ve done worse shit without them knowing. I continuously told her that it is my body, however, she asked over and over again what people would think of me now since I had more than three piercings. That set me off, I just hate it so much because all people care about over here is what others have to say about each other. If I do end up not killing myself, I just hope I get out of here. For those of you wondering, all my dad said was that it was because they give us a monthly allowance, which is literally the only thing he provides for us so he can fucking continue spending his money on hookers and trying to cover up how big of an asshole he is. Yes, my relationship with my parents is based off of lies. They lie to me and I lie to them. There is no point in trying to be honest with them because they are the least understanding people and most probably the biggest hypocrites out there. I still remember when I was about 7-9 years old, my mom would force me to sleep and if I wouldn’t sleep she would tell me that she would call my dad and let him hit me. Often, it happened and I think it is why I fear just speaking to my dad.
The sickness came
We didn’t know
what it was, or
if it would stay or go.
The doctors said,
“She won’t stay long”
but we still hoped
that the were wrong.
Then she went
she flew away
God took her home
She’s there to stay.
When she went
I fell apart
it pierced me through
just like a dart.
Picked up back habits
I knew they were bad
had no other explanation
other than that , “I’m sad.”
Changed my life
the way I lived
most of it
was not what I wanted.
My dad told me,
“Think about you Mom.”
‘When she’s looking down at you
is she proud of who you’ve become?’
My friends told me,
“Keep your head up,
You’ll be fine.”
How could they know
What’s next in line.
*just a poem I wrote late year when my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and passed. It’s not done but I wanted to share it:/
They asked me.
“Why do you cut yourself?”
They asked me.
“Why are there scars in your body?”
They asked me.
“Are you crazy?”
They told me.
“Attention seeker at its finest.”
And i sighed. Breathed heavily and walked away.
Whats the good in telling them what my demons tell me what to do, it’s better to keep my insanity to myself.
Because it’s better keeping everything inside rather than telling the world who doesn’t know how to listen.
I’ve never believed this before.
So naive of me.
Naive enough to settle around with the idea that people are to be trusted and to be humbled the fact that they will always keep you sane.
Never believed in such saying until friends turn to enemies and laugh turns to frowns and until then when my heart has been shuttered by the awful truth that friends can be a sharp tool towards the breaking of your own sound mind.
And so when i felt my world crushing down, I came to the standing ground of believing that the only one you can trust is yourself.
Nothing like waking up to my sister screaming and crying on the phone. *sighs* so much for a nice day off of sleeping in.
The situation with my sister on the other hand is an entirely different tale. The count is 4 fights now in the past week. I feel like I’m starting to get through to her that I don’t like how she treats me. But yet nothing ever really changes. No matter how many times I stand up for myself it seems like the only one getting hurt is me. I actually had my mom even admit to me that she even couldn’t control my sister her youngest daughter.
This is a letter I sent to my mom of what started the original fight.
Also this stays between us. But what started the arguement was I was trying on my yuri cosplay upstairs and actually feeling good about myself for once. When she made an extrmley rude comment and asked me how much I paid for the jacket and then started telling me about how I should cancel me and my partners vacation and how much of an stupid ***** I am. Just because I havent paid her back yet. then she started yelling at me about the phone thing. I am seriously tempted once I give her the money for the first ticket to tell her to shove the 2nd one and tell her to sell it to someone else. Because I am tired of her shit. She has been a psycho ever since she went off those anti-depressant meds before and refuses to get help. I know it and you know it! The problem is most of the people in this household dont have the guts to admit. I know shes trying to self medicate. I’ve been doing it for years. Not only is it a bad idea and its not for everyone. I dont really have the option or the finances to go to therapy. She still does and maybe she can finally snap out of it. Its just a theory but this is what I believe.
I know this letter might of come off as a little harsh. trust me I watched my moms reaction she just sat there in silence for a few minutes before looking at me and went back to what ever she was doing before on the computer. The thing is I do have the money . The thing is shes been such a snarky ***** to me that I refuse to give her the money until she starts acting nicer. It hurts me cause when I graduated from school in college in December 2018 If the situation the same or worse than it is now I do plan on cutting her out of my life.
Which hurts me cause there is a part of me that hates her for how much pain and hurt shes caused me. and then there is another part of me that thinks of her as that little sister I held in the hospital the day she was born to the girl who I thought for a few years would always be my best friend when I was going through some of the roughest times in my life until everything changed into the person she is today and I hate it. I hate the monster shes become and from the earlier part of the post it looks like nothing is going to change anytime soon.
This is how bad it truly is before I was forced to stop going to my therapist she told me this once to my face but I didn’t really believe her at first till what happened recently. Her exact words and I quote I think I know the two main triggers of your depression and anxiety is getting so stressed from school and working two part time jobs and your sister who is at this point and time is a serious hazard to your mental health. It wouldn’t be wise to cut her off at this point but when you get out on your end it maybe wise to do so.
It finally feels good to be writing all of this out. I mean I really can’t tell anyone in real life but at least its safe on this website to talk.
Happy Easter Guys! If I don’t post on here again till after.
This is my first time writing here and also writing about this so openly. I don’t know where do I start, but I do know when will all of this ends, very soon actually. I’m on the edge now which isn’t so very surprising considering there are about millions who are like me too, some, worse than me. It saddens me that I’m just one of those millions who suffer like this, that I’m only a part of some statistics scientists conduct every year. That I’ll never be someone, I’ll just be a part of something bigger. And soon, no one will remember that I was even a part of that thing.
Anyways, let’s start.
I’m an average girl just like everyone else, none of my attributes nor personality makes me special. Maybe my wounds made me special? Maybe not. I think special isn’t the right term too, but rather a monster, a freak. And that’s all I’ll ever be.
At first I don’t know what should I write or how would I express this unsaid feelings or whom this messages for but it turns out I want to write for everyone, even for myself.
To my family- I’m sorry that I was such a big disappointment. I’m sorry if I could never be the child you always wanted. I’m sorry if I had to do something stupid and hurt you, I’m sorry for making these deep wounds in my arms. I’m sorry if I added more pain to you guys after he passed away. The truth is, he was very close to me too, you all knew that but there are also many things you don’t. I had so many wishes and messages to him that I didn’t get the chance to say. It was already too late for him, he had a great life ahead of him and I know how that must’ve hurt. But you didn’t know that it was already too late for me too. You didn’t know that I was a part of his “why’s”. You still don’t know about it but everyday it haunts me realizing that I should’ve done something. That maybe thing would’ve been different. But it was already too late.
Mom and Dad, there’s some secrets that’s buried here, you’ll probably never find this and that’s a good thing but something inside me hopes that you will. In my room, in my desk, in the cabinets. By the time I’m gone from this world, if you search long enough there, you’ll find papers containing my “why’s and apologies.” I wrote a few which almost push me into doing it, I wrote a few that was the reasons for my scars and I hope that’ll be enough for you guys as my explanation. I was supposed to burn it, making it like beautiful ashes that scatters in the wind and ever fading away but realize you should have it. And I’m sorry.
To my friends– You guys have done so many things for me that I could never thank you enough for. You’ve been a family to me and I wish I was the same for you guys. You saw something inside me that no one else saw. Even though I was that freakish cliche loner girl that was always in the corner reading a book, you still saw me. Even though I had so many knives in my back, you all tried your best to remove it and never added in it. I know you all were scared trying to approach me for the first time, I know everyone were but you guys had the guts to do it and I want to thank you for that. But you will probably never see this, but that’s okay, I just wanted to let this feelings out. I’m sorry if you saw my wounds, I’m sorry you had to worry. You guys are really important to me.
To James– You have made an impact on my life which really surprised me. You helped me on my darkest nights, you were one of the reasons that I didn’t add more wounds in my skin. You understood me and you helped me even though I wasn’t worthy to be helped. I was happy, talking to you, making horrible jokes, being with you. You saw so much, maybe too much in me that I was too blind to see. I want to thank you for helping and being with this broken girl you liked.
To Someone who made a very big impact on my mind, my heart and my life– I never thought it would be like this. I never thought it will go this far. I never thought it will actually happen. We were just both random highschool kids that was always facing the cruel world that was never on our side. You wanted to help me, you wanted to fix me even though it means you were willing to put your pieces in me to make me whole. You made sure that I was okay, you cared so much about me but cared so little about yourself. Maybe in another universe, we were both okay, happily talking with our happy lives, always smiling but I know that this will never be that universe we always hoped about. Why? Because you’re gone. And it’s all because of me. I cared so much about you too, I’m sorry if I could never repay the feelings you had for me. We were both so unstable and I only made it worse. I tried to be there when you had panic attacks, I tried to be there and talk to you like you always did for me. I started caring too much and decided to let you know about the wounds, and that was a big fucking mistake. You got scared and I got scared also, it was because of my scars that made things worse for you, for us. You didn’t believe in yourself but you believed in me even though I didn’t believe in myself. You fought for me even though I couldn’t fight for myself. You loved me even though I couldn’t love myself. When the nightmares began I didn’t know what to do. Until everything got worse for you, for us. It got worse and worse until one day..
Maybe the thing that made me feel afraid the most was the fact that we both knew what was gonna happen to the both of us but we tried our best to prevent it but in the end we couldn’t. That we weren’t afraid of the things that we couldn’t see but rather the things that was right infront of us. That in the end we both stopped trying, or was that only me? Because you never stopped trying to help me. You never stopped loving me. Maybe I got tired first but you were the first to give up. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry if the world was cruel to us. I’m sorry if you felt hideous, I’m sorry if you feel that you fuck things up but you didn’t when you helped me. I should be happy to tell you that I’m not slitting myself anymore, but how could I when it’s already too late for you? You were one of the big reasons why I stopped, maybe because you died stopping me? I don’t know. I want to tell you so many things. So many unsaid feelings, because I know you were always there to hear my scream and pain. You were. But you’re not here anymore. And I don’t want to let you go yet. You made me feel weak, you made me want to die of regrets but you also made me feel special, that I was someone. You made me happy, for a while. I wish I could’ve repaid you. I wish it wasn’t too late.
For me– You. You’ve done so many fucked up shit in your life and you still are. You were always afraid of everything. Afraid to stand up for yourself, afraid to be yourself, afraid to be judged, afraid to risk, afraid to love, afraid to be forgotten, afraid to fight, afraid to live, afraid to die. Maybe that’s why everybody hate you, maybe that’s why you hate yourself. Everyday seems to be an endless cycle of unfortunate events. You should be happy, you have a home, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, couple of friends, good grades, a broken family, even though they are a mess, you’re lucky to have them, and finally, you have a life that you get to live. It’s not too late for you. It’s never too late. You got tired, you fall down. And I’m sorry things have to be this way. I’m sorry about the people. I’m sorry for all the messed up shits that you’ve encountered that made you like this, that pushed you to the edge. Please don’t be an egotistical lady. Please realize that there’s a bright future ahead of you. Please don’t go blind. I know things are getting blurry everyday, I know it’s so hard to hold on, I know it’s much easier to let go. Please hold on a little longer.
For someone who continues to try– For someone who continues to try and help others, for someone who tries to hold on everyday, continue trying if you still can and I hope you can. The pain keeps getting worse everyday, I know. And you’re strong for that. The world is a dark place and we use dying to find light. But sometimes there are tiny lights around us that maybe we’re just too blind to see. And maybe, we could be lights too. So don’t go blind. Don’t be blinded by the lies of this world, don’t be blinded by the regrets. Fighting might be hard and I’m hoping none of us lose. Thank you for trying.
x x x x
At first I didn’t really know why I wrote this. Maybe I just needed this feelings out. It gets hard when you bottle all of the feelings inside, it’s a lot harder when you can’t contain it anymore. I don’t know where all of this will lead to. I don’t know whether if this is what’s gonna make me whole or this would be the end of me. Will I survive? Right now I’am, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it.
even though i’m an awkward introvert with social anxiety, i miss people. i miss being around people.
i’ve come to realise i’ve never really had a true friend, so, i can’t say i miss having friends. i don’t really know what it’s like to have friends. the idea doesn’t appeal to me much anymore. maybe, i miss the idea of them. the idea of a boyfriend is more appealing, which is weird, i know.
the idea of having someone i can expose myself to, and let them truly know me like no one else knows me, is bittersweet to me. it must be so… amazing, to love someone and have them love you back. all of you, all the bits and pieces you choose to expose to them and the bits that they discover themselves anyway. but, i’ve never had that, and it looks like i never will have that, which is the bitter part.
i’m the only person who knows me. who knows me inside out. and, that’s sad to me. if anything ever happened to me, no one would know the real me. i want to have people in my life who deserve to know the real me. i want to have people, or just one person, in my life that we can expose all aspects of ourselves to eachother, that we can love eachother so deeply, that we can rely on eachother no matter what.
i’m not just lonely, i’m alone. i’m so alone, and, i don’t want to be alone anymore. people need people. i need people.