General

…What the fuck it that like? What’s it like to actually enjoy spending time with other people?  To not walk through this world alone?  The times that I feel the loneliest are when I’m around other people spending time together. It’s this stark reminder of what’s missing in my life. I feel even more awkward, even more out of place. Like I don’t belong, or I’m intruding. I shouldn’t be there…I shouldn’t exist. It makes me not want to go outside.

This pain is so bad it hurts me even physically. Let me die now, I cant handle anymore. I’m too weak, too horrible, too selfish because I cant make it go away. I’m not worth loving no matter how much I want it. I’m part of the rot of the world that fucks up everything. I deserve to die a long and painful death. I think they know. I think they’re ashamed to even look at me. I try so hard. I fuck up everything. Theres no point. The world would be a little better if I were gone. It hurts. Please kill me.

It is just a bunch of things on my mind
I guess I’ll just keep idling because life really isn’t for me, no-one asked to be born and we were all forced into this world whether we wanted to be here or not. doesn’t help that I’m rather broke but I have too many internal issues as it is… not necessarily something that can labelled as an ‘illness’. Why are we calling them mental illnesses anyway, because it’s like saying that WE are the problem, the actual problem here is society causing everyone to be so miserable. Try having a slightly different ‘unapproved’ opinion to […]

See we may think that we have close friends and for the people who are committed in a relationship they will think they have each other at good and hard times  . But the fucking point is everyone are alone inside them . We may portray ourselves as we are happy with no problems. Truth is we all face mental illness and we feel depressed and fucking low . And that time we expect our closed ones to understand this . No one will be there to help us out . Self motivation is gonna stick up with us and will help to move on. […]

For example, there are probably a lot of suicidal people who never tell anyone, even including never post on the internet. They probably just stay silent, while struggling on their own (for many different reasons & factors we never really know for sure).

Some (or probably a lot) of suicidal people are probably just too tired to even say/do anything at all. Because they feel that it’s all pointless, meaningless, or hopeless.

It’s sad to think that perhaps all those numbers & statistics of “suicidal people” in the world therefore are probably HUGELY underrepresented, by any ‘mainstream’ media, articles, or even studies & researches by the so-called […]

Saturday, 17 Sept 2022

I wish I was kidnapped, or at least had cancer. Perhaps then I would have found meaning in my life, something to live for.

Mine is an empty existence. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing to leave behind. Not even words…

I got out of the hospital yesterday. I was there for almost 2 weeks at that point. Most of it spent in the ICU. It was awful. Being hooked up to vital machines and IVs. Being told to eat shitty protein drinks and foods. Being woken up at night to take medication. I hated it it. 2 weeks of my life spent chained to a bed not being able to work. It made me anxious that I’m behind. I’m still anxious. I was already feeling bad about all this, but now I’m teetering back […]

Life is meaningless, purposeless for me but not entirely because the meaning of life is life itself. This sucks. What do you think?

The last post I made was posted from a miserable hotel room in the middle of nowhere. I spent four days there this week, and four days last week, and that cumulative time was enough to convince me I need to do something else with my life. I was also working overnights, doing work on a Walmart…… unholy triad of evil there. I remain baffled that Walmart stays in business, and I could carry on for a good twelve hours listing all the ways it has worked hard to undermine the American working class. Per my therapist’s recommendation, I’ll stay focused on the now, and […]

blood in the sink, i can barely think. you can take what u want cause im almost dead. i just wanna. it feels like everyone is leaving me. no. im leaving them, and they haven’t noticed.

There are blankets and blankets of green fields out there.  I just wanna sink in it with the warm sun on my face. And fresh cut roses, the delicious smell of flowers, I remember holding you and falling asleep there. Time vanished

. Conversations were butterflies, sweet adrenaline like pollen. I miss you so much. It’s just cruel.  A meat-locker for an office, with boxy windows. You’ve moved on, and the smelly printed paper has me looking through an old box of notes, or window. You’re everywhere. I’m in a house of mirrors. It isn’t fair. How many years will you be just fine while my […]

I had my interview yesterday morning, and it went reasonably well, with an exception; I won’t know if I got the job or not for a week, and it will be at least two weeks after that before I can start…..

Three weeks, minimum. Right now I’m spending five of my seven days a week on the road, working overnights to earn my pay. I was just home on Monday morning, and already I feel overextended, I just want to go home.

Last night sucked so hard. I was getting that urge, the urge to get out at any cost. My first instinct was to quit, because […]

Not dead yet. Which is uhm, cool, I guess…

I’ve finally found a method, shitty though it may be in some ways, I could still make it work. It’s progress I guess, I never really knew how exactly I’d go out, which made me start questioning if I’m really as bad mentally as I think, or if I’m just “magnifying” it as they say, basically being dramatic. I don’t know. I haven’t said anything to anyone for a while now. Nobody around me knows anything. I’m doing it like that so I don’t just become a drag for them for months or a year or however […]

I haven’t met a person who completely understands my feelings and emotions . I have a small circle of friends and i feel like they are my closed ones. But when they itself can’t understand me and juz turn me off ….. I feel fucked up . Why this human creatures know only to hurt people ….. but not to embrace everyone with love and affection . And we can get down for our closed ones but when it is gonna happen continuously its stressing.  I cant take it at some point . Why everyone are like this …. Or idk I’m the one doing […]

There’s a kind of absurdity that comes from recognizing that you’ve become the lowest of the low. A huge amount of dissonance arises. On the one hand, you’re you, and you’re an essentially good person, right? There are reasons you do the things you do, and you feel at least somewhat justified. You don’t want to hurt anyone, really – at least, not most of the time.

And then you get these moments of distance, when you see yourself through the eyes of others.  And you think back on your actions, your motivations, your desires. And you realise “Oh shit, I’m the bad guy! I’m the […]

maybe it’s childish, maybe i deserve it in the end. i don’t like to go outside of my room and see his horrid face and hear his demonic voice. i keep myself in my room until he slumbers, starving myself till it’s time to go out.

i’ve been living with hunger pains for 2-3 years, and only now am i getting more moody and suicidal because of it. cutting myself more, bashing my head more, and choking myself more just to get the pain out. even so.. after all these years of being hungry, i still limit myself to 900-1200 calories. is that too big? i’m […]