General

All I do is wait for the next day. Nothing happens today. Nothing will happen tomorrow. Nothing will happen the day after that. It’s such a boring life, and it feels like I have no choice but to live like this. But what can I say that I or someone else hasn’t already said before? It’s so pointless.

i shouldn’t be feeling like this. i don’t have any real reason to be feeling like this. or do i?

maybe i’m losing track of myself? i am forgetting to breathe too often.

maybe i’m just hungry.

after sleeping i will be feeling better. but what if few hours later i will screw up myself like this again.

hm i feel better already after writing this. how does this even work.

write dumb words. head empty and chill.

why would this site help me calm myself like this. it has never before worked like this. this site normally just makes me stressed. but for some reason just writing things now can […]

Really I do but I feel restricted. I know you don’t mean to and I know you’re trying to get better at helping me but right now I think what I need is breathing room….

Suicide postponed

Everyday that i suffer through my depression, i feel like im getting closer to committing suicide. It feels like it’s inevitable. I can remember being depressed at 12 years old. That was the first time i’ve thought about committing suicide and now 25 (about to turn 26 this year) the feelings of depression are becoming more and more severe.

I have not slept well for the past 3 months or so…im not eating well because i can’t bother to cook because of my depression, poor personal hygiene, not cleaning my room and living in the moment with no future perspective whatsoever.

I see no future for […]

When i was hospitalized over 20yrs ago fiona apple seemed to be my go to music to listen to.

My relationship didnt work out cuz i completely shut down and went ghost. I cant handle havin anyone like me back, but my dumbass will be like months from now “why dont men like me?” Because thats just the demented vicious cycle i seem to be trapped in no matter how much i try to break it. But whatever.

Me and my kids spent mothers day at milwaukee zoo. Was a great day, i luv animals so much and always wanted to work in a zoo or be a marine biologist. Being busy made me feel like our life was “normal” again. Reality didnt set in […]

If I had an infinite amount of time and words I couldn’t summarize my life any better than that.  Nothing.

The worst pain that can be is internal pain… the one in your mind that interferes with years, days, months. If you just feel like you can’t live but can’t end your life. I always get this feeling that a can’t live but something always interferes. You feel alone because no one’s next to you listening to the troubles. No one will comfort you if you get hurt. It’s hard….. I know.

I wish I had the guts to kill them. I wish I had it in me. They were allowed to be abusive throw shit at and smack and threaten and terrorize me all they want while they hold my ssc an other crap hostage on me and force me to work for them as cheap labor and shove me around telling me what worthless shit I am all the manipulative crap and everything else while they get away with it all and not a god damn thing out there gives a shit. I hate how fucking low I went to make money under their noses, […]

It’s been a while since I shared a song. I’ve been thinking about this one for the past week.

It’s really typical to say, but I really connect to this one.

I’ve been back home since Friday. I don’t like it here. I miss being by myself. Being alone. Being alone is safe. It’s lonely and I feel lonely, but being alone no one can touch you. Being around my parents and my brother is hard. When I’m alone I feel safe. I stay in my room a lot. I don’t like being in such […]

This is part of the reason I need to take a break for the time being. I don’t have a voice. I can’t do what I want.

Example. I want to purchase a phone. But I can’t or should I say won’t. I’m not sure if he’d have a problem with it. But whenever I try to do something he’s always pointing out what’s ‘wrong with it’. I’m not a child. Don’t do that. So I don’t want to hear it and end up just not bothering. In my current relationship dynamic I do not feel like an equal.

I don’t have the energy in me to build up these really strong emotions any more.  Most of the time I’m apathetic.  I think sometimes it’s better to feel strongly even if it’s negative because it can maybe drive you towards doing something different.  I feel defeated.

Yesterday was my birthday, I’m 39, and I’m still alone. Work in the ER with no support system has finally messed me emotionally up beyond fixable. I have wanted to end it periodically for at least 15 years. I have wished I was never born most of the time since my earliest memories. Now I am actively wishing for accidents and disease and constantly thinking about methods. The primary reason is a lifelong monstrous, crippling and all pervasive anxiety and low self esteem reinforced by an endless stream of abusive and unfeeling people. My work in an extremely hostile environment is just fuel on the […]

I miss him. I miss him so much, even though it’s been months since he passed. He was such a gentle, kind, yet energetic and crazy doggo.

I’ve had him ever since I can remember, he’s been there for me for my whole childhood. It might sound weird, but he was like a sibling to me. No, more than that. If a dog could be a soulmate, then he was mine.

In a way, he lived through similar things like me. He experienced some of my parent’s abuse, he was there for me when they argued or when I got yelled at.

When I was around 12 or 13, […]

I don’t understand why…
I guess it’s true that they will only miss you when you leave.
What do I even do?
I don’t deserve all this good treatment I’m getting. I don’t deserve anything at all.
I wish everyone would stop trying to help me and just leave me alone.
Is it that hard?
Is it? Is it that hard to just leave me alone and let me die… They are always so curious about me. They want to know what I do, what I want to do, how I feel, what I like, what I don’t like.
Why? Why is anyone interested in […]

If it was easy I would have done it already. It’s not piece of cake because the survival instinct is hard for me to overcome, almost impossible

I’ve never cared much for meaningless ad hominem adjectives.  My story is more one told by a sadist.

I often wonder how much of my life was actually within my control.  Sure, I make choices every day… but is there anything I could have done differently to not end up here, or is this the best I could have done?  I don’t have any specific regrets and I’ve always tried to make the best decisions I could have.

I don’t get to go back and live another life without going through the trauma I did and see how I would have turned out.  Or what I would […]