General

It’s time to revisit the classic literary works I used to love.

Sidenote-Anyone ever been to an abandoned building knowing it was a treasure lost to time? For me, it was a small opera house with dark red curtains, a long time ago.

Back then, I was all about that. Exploring the ages. It was exciting- My friend’s great grandfather built a bomb shelter himself- he prepared for everything. I remember the technicolor orange that filled the room- so ugly – and how small it was… it had a ladder to a secret tunnel, all the way to the surface. Standing in the yard, you wouldn’t notice […]

Nice shoes or nice teeth?

Still homeless with my kids goin on 4months now. But an ex of mine offered us a place to live. So im going to take him up on that offer considering i cant afford anything on my own and he has a great payin job. My depression comes n goes. I havent burned myself since feb nor considered offing myself so id say thats progress. Idk what else to say other than im alive and persevering.

This is an update to a posting I did in October and I am now finalizing my decision..  I’ve added my reasons at the end…

I do make an effort to follow my therapist’s advise and use methods I have learned to steer my mind away from the dark thoughts which have plagued me for the last 45 years.  Sometimes this works and I can get myself on a positive track but it is not a stable track.    Too many of the triggers I have for dark thoughts are around me and I am unable to control that.   I have limited my access to news […]

I HATE THIS SITE

i keep coming here because i’m hoping to see people post something like: “i was just kidding, i didn’t kill myself, i am going to make my life beautiful and reach for my dreams and become the best version of myself i could, i am not going to give up this easily”

but NO. no. not here. you people will never do this. this site is so full of negativity that i can’t take it. every time i come here i only get stressed and worry about everyone. i keep wanting to post a comment under every single post i see even though […]

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything but there is nothing left. I’ve even gone to a psychiatrist hoping that she would help me  but i just couldn’t help but feel like i was being judged. A culprit defending himself. Yesterday i didn’t feel like going but i had to since the doctor had postoned one of her meetings to meet me; However i just couldn’t answer any of her questions ,i got defensive. She got mad, even though she tried to hide it i could feel her anger then she said that i was depressed, told me that next time i […]

Life is so incredibly sad and painful. As children, we’re idealistic. We believe in the goodness of others, and that the problems of this world are simple. Of course we’ll find a solution if we all love each other. For me, part of maturing has been coming to accept that the world can’t be saved. The easiest way to be well in civilization is if you’re either ignorant or indifferent to the impacts of humanity on the suffering of other living beings. For those of us who are aware, life can be unbearable. The way we treat animals, our environment, and each other is a […]

I don’t understand. I thought that I wouldn’t need to use this again but here I am. Again. At 11:50 am on a Saturday. Usually I just do these things at night. It’s getting harder to not want to cut myself. I started realizing recently that it’s just a coping mechanism just like porn, and they are interchangeable. Would I rather permanently damage my skin or permanently damage my brain? I think my skin is the better option. I never wanted to look good. I always thought that it was so unfair that just because of my appearance I was treated differently than others. It […]

My mental health has gone to shit and it’s been shit for so long now and I always wonder why I never just end everything for good. Am I some sort of masochist or something? I keep on jumping between being majorly depressed to having just minor depression and nothing is fixing the mess of my mind so I don’t know why I’m staying here when I’m just in constant pain. I feel like I’m not going anywhere and I’m just watching everyone around me grow and excel in life. I feel like my life no longer has any meaning or purpose since […]

Well I have been seeing my bipolar ex wife the last three months and she went off on me yesterday about me trying to control her and that all I want is for her to be my good little bltch. We were starting to fall in love again and the feelings started getting in the way and she blew a fuse. I got tired of her wanting everything her way and confronted her about it and she didn’t want no part of it. She thought it was ok to blow $5000 dollars the last 3 months and she wanted some more money and I said […]

I have 2 buds left. They have to do me for 2 weeks and I can smoke 7g in 1 week. Oh boy money problems, responsbility and addiction are NOT freinds. But knowing how much stress my husband’s in over this I don’t want him helping my addiction when there’s more important things. Like not putting ourselves in dept to eat. Of course what can one expect paying 2 rents and getting fucked over at work so your pay gets cut in half.

I was thinking today about something while I was outside walking my dog. I was getting really angry, mainly at my parents, like I usually do, and I was thinking like, why the fuck do they want to control me I don’t want them to control me I am my own fucking person but at the same time like, they always give me correct advice, so just to be fucking petty I do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do so that’s probably why I’ve been feeling like shit. But eh, I’ve realized now that if I stop giving a fuck about […]

i dont understand why you cant have partners or share methods here??? Like what if you want to end it but you dont want to die alone bc thats exactly whaat i want to do…me and this other girl were going to both die on new years eve but she killed herself on sep 15 of 2020 and im so fucking sad and mad bc i dont wanna die alone i dont know if any of you guys undersatnd this situation but pls hear me out…

Hey, new here. Confused. That’s all I can think lately. I’m stuck. I don’t know who I am. Am I the sporty girl in class with boy shorts and a random t shirt? Or am I the girl with nice necklaces and bracelets with a skirt and my hair down? My parents look at me like I’m crazy. As if I need to be told that. On Monday I’ll go to school wearing a mini skirt and a crop top with my hair down and vans shoes. And on Tuesday I’ll be wearing boy shorts with a t shirt and my hair in a ponytail […]

You can tell me I’m insane. I can know I’m insane. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the way I feel, just the way I’m treated.

it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, if you saw my last post; I’m still in love with him 🙂

i’m not drinking much anymore, had to move back into my dads because of it. I guess it’s good I’m not drinking but i miss it, a lot. I never thought I’d miss the burn of alcohol, being drunk and not feeling anything; or feeling everything and spend the whole night crying. It’s a bad place to be in and i know i shouldn’t want it but for some strange reason i wish i was there again, drinking every night for god knows what reason. […]

That’s all I want, is one more second with him. One more second to be in his arms before the universe rips him away from me. Everything good in your life you deserve but he was the only person I saw light in. I wised away by the whispers that he left behind. One more second, I would be okay is only I had one more second in life. The time where nothing else matters except being with him. I can still feel him laying in my bed by my side being there when I woke up from a bad dream to comfort me and […]