General

I have a few things that seem to be constantly in my path. It isn’t like a person, more of an energy, if you believe in such nonsense. It’s kind of the concept of/person of God. It’s like in that movie “Harvey”, the guy has this invisible white rabbit following him around, with non-specific abilities and a non-specific supernatural origin.  That’s what it is like for this 32 year old Christian, 26 years into the practice. I’m not even sure if I’m allowed to call myself that, because there is no church or faith body in the world that feels like home, at least that […]

It’s as though my feelings of despair and hopelessness exist in a secret vault that isn’t accessible at all. All around that vault are littler, less secure vaults that I’ve learned to open so I can wrangle with their contents, bending and twisting them into submission, if only for a while.  But THIS vault, where despair resides with its dark friend hopelessness, is locked.  I have no key.

Yesterday, I read a story of an ICU nurse who was shot to death as she was driving to work on a freeway. 26 years old, a career based on giving, and her life ended at what may […]

my mom saw my scars and asked what happened to my arm. i don’t know what to tell her.

i cant keep living like this….im sorry

I had a classmate back in highschool who did something bad, nasty to me and even after all these years I can’t forget it and if I’ll ever meet and catch him alone somewhere I’ll fuck him up

F^**. I think i need stitches.

I didnt pass out. I woke up hungover as hell. Crusty. And sore. I made it through a few days in pain. Covered (thank you winter) and full of “f*** you”’s in my head.

I wanted to write letters but didnt. I wrote (my job) to cover for the lack of idiotic leadership we have in this pandemic, not from any direction but because it felt right to do…instead.

Im nothing more than a s*** dad just wanting one more hugs from his kids. That will never come. I’m too inebriated and emotional for this rn. F***. Reach out to your parents […]

I don’t know how to not push the pain away anymore. There’s something inside of me that I can’t get out. All this sadness, pain and suffering is about to burst. I wake up and think to myself, “Again? I have to do this all over again?”. I don’t have the guts to kill myself but I believe I shouldn’t be able to use that easy way out. Maybe I was meant to suffer. I’m stuck in my head and I can’t get out.  No matter how much I yell and scream I’m just sent further back into this black hole that’s always crushing me. […]

I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.

This is the shit I’m talking about. There is no one that understands what this feeling is in my life and no one that can have a conversation that is helpful.

I’ve told the two people close to me about my mental state but they all seem to think it’s a short lived phase. I’ve been here before and I know that’s not the case, until something drastic changes I’ll be stuck in this pit. It’s not going to disappear. They asked me how I was in that condescending tone that makes me feel so out of place and eventually I just started telling them […]

So I was frying up some bologna to eat. I was making 2 sandwiches for hubby and I was going to make 1 for me but just to dunk in some ketchep.

Hubby was watching tv and the guy in the video said something about hot dogs with ketchup being for 3 yro. I know I was making bologna and not hot dogs but they are still roughly the same idea. Anyway I just put all my stuff back.

Seriously watch what you say, jokes hurt and I’m tired of hearing the same ones over and over again but refuse to saying anything because it’s […]

Not suicide related

Well. I agreed to study a course early next year, or maybe a bit earlier! Hopefully there’s room for me (online course).
If I dislike life so much anyway, I guess there’s no harm in doing this. I’ll have to see what happens with the world in the coming months. Still don’t and (won’t) like where it’s going.
Only thing that annoys me is the workplace placement part, although I can understand needing to do that.
I don’t know if I even want to do this. But ok, whatever.

So often I feel like I’m sloshing through muddy thoughts and I just want something, someplace new to clear the water.
Today I want to walk into the darkest cave and never say goodbye. I kinda want to be told to stay but I don’t want to say goodbye or tell them to ask; that defeats the cause.

This makes zero sense, maybe someone understands what I mean. It’s difficult to explain when my brain isn’t working.

Earlier on I was able to write about my frustration in my dopamine/manic state, and I read back on those and realize it’s just the other side of the same coin. Once I realized it was a dopamine overload, I started trying to cut down my nicotine and caffeine intake, and to eat more regularly. The point is that when they pulled me down in the hospital they went way overboard with anti psychotics, starving myself of dopamine is just as effective to restoring a more level view.

Things are fine, I don’t know why I can’t accept that. Today I woke up more with the […]

its just one thing after another until everyone hates you.

“i never know what to expect from you”

as i become more and more “myself” the more people hate.

the closer to death i get the heavier i feel.

please, not much longer….

i cant sleep at night

feeling neglected and alone

even the love i do get

i dont believe it

they dont really mean it

i should be dead

all i can do is count the reasons

and the number just keeps growing

I have a chronic illness that has wiped out my life. I used to be highly athletic, worked hard, loved life. Now I’m in pain every second of every day and my anxiety is any high. This is due to chronic Lyme disease which half the medical community doesn’t even recognize. Nothing helps. Nothing makes it go away or better and worst of all, all expenses are out of pocket. No insurance coverage for this. I’ve been thinking suicidal thoughts every single day and they won’t go away. I’ve tried to hang myself on my knees but it doesn’t work. I get this surge of […]

A big fuck you to my family and to everybody else. I swear, the people I’ve met are like demons that just want to make my life hard and destroy me and like animals that go into stupid crazy mode
I’m stuck and nobody’s helping

“Everyone has their peaks and valleys” somedays are harder than others to which I want to scream at all of that non-sense. I KNOW some days are harder than others, I AM TIRED OF RUNNING THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER  COASTER. I get tired of feeling like I am doing this all alone. I push people out for what feels like silly reasons even though I feel like I am trying to keep myself sane. I stopped taking the 2 a.m calls from friends with tough nights or dropping everything I am doing because if the roles are reversed, the people in my life who were […]

She yelled and slapped me when I was a child -and when I shouted at her and misbehave- and now she’s yelling at my niece when she misbehaves and when she yells at her… I f***ing cannot live here anymore, each day is fighting and fighting between them… AND MY NIECE IS 7 Y/O AND MY MOM IS 64!!! I can’t understand!

Furthermore, sometimes my mom mocks at my niece when se has done something bad, she calls her “dumb”, and for me at least, I consider that hearing that from a person you love when you are a child is heartbreaking… and you think […]

This is a post, for you. Whoever is reading this, feel free to say anything in the comment and I’ll reply when I see your message. Even if you just want to rant or for someone to listen. I don’t care how long it is, I’ll read through and try and understand what you’re going through. You don’t have to fight things alone, sometimes a strangers advice is better then the ones closest to you, even just a fresh new pair of ears, so feel free

Hey chen. I know I told you can look at any post, but maybe skip this one. Just a thought.

I feely oddly content just being her friend. I told her how I feel and she gave me an answer. Sure I was sad that she said she didn’t feel the same way, but I understood. What with everything going on in her life. Yet, I’m still happy I know her. I still like talking to her and I still care about how she’s doing. I know that in a small part of my mind, I’m hoping things […]