General

So. As it turns out, I have an incurable disease. I’ll spare you the description and just insert some links:

https://psychology.wikia.org/wiki/Korsakoff%27s_psychosis

If you haven’t guessed, that kinda sucks dick. If you haven’t visited the links, I suggest you do so now, otherwise continuing to read will be pointless and any comments made on the matter can presumably be said to be likewise. No, I’m not alright.

If you’ve been reading my posts, or have skimmed anything I’ve written, you’d find that I’ve been struggling for some time to identify a very strange condition which has afflicted me since I was 17. It’s been 8 years now, 8 years […]

Thinking of you friend. Wondering if you made it where you needed to be.

Are you still walking forward? do you still come here?

Much Love,

HDS

im going to start this off with, im disabling comments because i dont want to be hated i hate myself enough as is and i dont need a strangers opinion on the damn internet. as we have seen from recent posts people dont know how to be respectable even on a suicide site where it should be a damn given. these people are sensitive and probably hate themselves enough on their own without your help. honest to god, treat others the way you want to be treated, unless of course you want people to hate you but thats your choice i guess.

wow i really digressed. […]

There seems to be a lot of comments unnecessarily throw out I’m assuming by the mods.

Just know I tried to find some faith but wasn’t able to
I tried to turn all of my weaknesses to strengths but wasn’t capable

I took a shower. I’ve been working at this assignment that’s due tomorrow. I’m just going to turn it in late. There’s nothing else really about it. I am dreading however working on this thing 24/7 for the next few days though. I think I have developed a fear of coding. I don’t know why I chose this as my minor. I realized in the shower that part of my anger and sadness comes from the fact that I don’t have anyone. I’m so isolated. So when things go sideways, like they always do, I spiral, because […]

The first time I tried to cut was in fourth grade.

Kinda weird that it happened when I was nine years old. I say tried, because the blades of the scissors weren’t sharp enough anyway. But it was a fair attempt. Good try, young me.

Anyway. I was in class. Hacking away at my wrist with scissors, not getting anywhere fast, only receiving the most minor scars in the process. I remember this kid looked at me with this odd stunned look. He didn’t like me much (not many did) but the look in his eyes looked like that of concern. Or at least pity. The way […]

I screwed up again. I messed up. The past few weeks have been mess up after mess up after mess up. I did poor on my test. I just realized I have an assignment and report due tomorrow. I’m sick of it. I’m tired. Why do I do this? Why do I bother? I’m never going to make anything out of myself. I’ll never become something. I’m nothing. So why put in the effort? I’m sick of the race. I want to bail. I always bail. I’m good for […]

not suicide related

Yeah I have bought lotto tickets over the last view months, look everyone knows this is pointless and stupid… I’m sure that kind of money would be rather useful to my mum, instead of that measly pension she gets…
But nobody wins, and even people who do win sometimes end up in strife anyway. lotto must be so bad since I mostly only win a few dollars. The most I’ve won is around $50. I’ve won more on scratch tickets (disclaimer, they are just as bad). And poker machines? Oh don’t get me started on those evil devices.

For the past week I had symptoms of covid. Fever, cough, loss of taste. I tested positive then a day after it got hard to breathe. Hospitals won’t accept me because they said I look fine, not even pale or anything and because I am only 20 yrs old. Even if I tested positive I wouldn’t die, it’s not that dangerous for me. And that’s all bs. My sister and I had no choice but to go where my dad is admitted.

When they checked, my oxygen levels were already low. I was already in state of confusion though I don’t look like it. That […]

I don’t have it in me. To end my life, or to make my life worthwhile. I just want to give up. I want the pain to stop. But it won’t. It only gets worse. And I’m too much of a coward to end it. I’ll just suffer on miserably, until things finally fall apart, and even then I’ll cling on. And when death is finally forced on me, I’ll still deny the reality of it.

I can’t continue wanting to kill myself all the time.

Here I am again!

And again I wish to die after a period pretending life is good and possible. I’m tired of this shit to be honest.

May be if I had someone who could give me a decent burial I would go. I dont know what I’m still doing here. If I die today the rats who live in my roof will eat me but no one will bury me. I deserved at least a funeral and some beautiful words over my coffin.

Pushing myself from one week to another and lying to everyone and myself I have plans and wanna do this and that when to […]

how’s quarantine for y’all? it’s kinda shitty for me, i don’t have easy access to booze or tobacco as i’m living with my family rn. back here after a month. overthinking should be my middle name fr. from over analyzing every text of hers to deciding the title of this rant, i’m a confused mf. i came across this website four years back when i was 15, fuck i’ve grown a lot since then. nothing new in my life rn, online uni is trash (engineering). i met some nice people online in may/june, caught feelings for a girl who lives 2700 kms away. apparently she […]

I see a lot of posts about people who say to themselves they are fine. I feel like I’m the opposite. My default is “fine”. It’s when I’m alone with my thoughts that I talk about how untrue that really is.

Fuck these mood swings and fuck this roller coaster. I want to stay in my box.
I just had this random urge to throw out the goodbyes I wrote months ago and start over again. Why? What is the point if I can’t even leave? Stay in your box and board up the doors, there is no respite from the torrent outside. Don’t do this again.

Truthfully I’ve tried many attempts all failed &  failed without recognition from anyone, you know… to help me & say “ don’t do it, I love you “instead it felt like the universe was working against me and may I add overtime I mean it’s not like I would want to put my anyone through my selfish decision and leaving them to wonder where they went wrong or maybe I do so they could spend the rest of their lives on this earth feeling how I felt maybe they’ll join me in the afterlife and we can sit at the table down there if there […]