General

Parts of me want so badly to stop. That hate what I’ve become so much. But this stubborn resistance refuses and clings to existence. So I post here, in an attempt to relieve that feeling for a while. So for a time I can pretend that it’s not hopeless. In hopes of feeling a little less alone. Sometimes it works.

I’m not a cutter – generally averse to injury of any kind. But something to interrupt these feelings – this despair – that appeals right now.

This state will not last. In a few hours, it will have been pushed down again by some form of distracting […]

I won’t be sharing some details, i was born in a muslim world, my parents were divorced when i was still a child, ever since i entered fifth grade i’ve been bullied because of how socially awkward i was, i had a computer that i would play games every day so i could ease my mind, i had a teacher that would shout at me even though i tried my best to study, i’ve been depressed for so long, i tried drowning my self more than twice, but i just couldn’t do it because of the ideas that god exists and that i would go […]

I feel sad, I feel like shit. Not many reasons to live anymore at the moment.

I spend too much time thinking about dying nowadays. There’s no hope. There’s no future. They’ll try and force that va ccine on all of us won’t they…?

I wish i could live in another world because I don’t understand this one.

I’m older now. It’s been years since I’ve visited. They tell you it gets better.

It does. Of course you will still have those thoughts. But they will be in such a quick, passing manner. It gets easier to convince yourself those thoughts are wrong. You have to be nice to yourself. Once in a while they will creep back in and maybe even get so intrusive that you visit this old blog that you haven’t thought about for years. But I know better. You know better. There’s a whole world out there. Sure you’re probably not going to be great at everything like they told […]

It was your birthday just yesterday. Less people every year are writing on your Facebook wall. People are moving on. Still, nobody knows that I kissed you. Still it is just me, feeling guilty for being the one who made you lose your best friend. It didn’t mean anything to me, I don’t think it meant anything to you either. We were both just there. And I hadn’t talked to either of you in years. I didn’t think he still harboured feelings. You were the one who said yes to a dance when I asked you both, you were the one who walked me home. […]

My wife wants in. She’s afraid all the time I’m going to kill myself. She’s right. I don’t know how to let her in. I’m a prisoner of myself. I want to be free. Let me out.

I have been angry before. I’ve even had rage before. Never before tonight have I had the urge to hurt someone else. I held it down long enough to quickly escape to the shower where I released my rage on my face and the wall. I’m out now, I have two black eyes, a sore jaw, and multiple busted knuckles. It temporarily satisfied the monster inside me..I don’t know when it will come out again….

Life isn’t for everyone
I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since I was 8 years old
I remember it clearly
The first time I said “I want to die” like it was a first kiss
I didn’t care about boys and school
I was busy being bullied and witnessing abuse and alcoholism
I’ve felt like an outcast all my life and still do
The only thing I look forward to is death
It’s a consistent feeling every day that will always be in the back of my mind
Life isn’t for everyone and that’s okay
I don’t want to be saved
I don’t want any help

I hate this world so much, there is no point of being alive on a planet that makes you miserable. I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy, but I don’t want to feel like this all the time. suicide just seems like the best answer.

On Friday I reported a coworker who was borderline harassing me and making me feel uncomfortable. And I keep going back and forth on if I should’ve reported them or not. And honestly it’s making me more and more anxious and depressed because now I wish I just didn’t exist so this problem wouldn’t exist and I know the easiest way out of this, but I can’t take that exit because itd make others very sad. And I’m just at the point where it takes very little to have me have those thoughts. It’s not even just wanting to cut myself to calm down it’s […]

I just got off the phone with my college’s helpline. For whatever reason I thought It would make me feel better to empty my head. I usually come here for that, but I felt the need to hear a real person speaking back. I wasn’t in any particular distress. I’m actually somewhat calm right now. I have a lot of things to do, and have deadlines coming up for various things, but I spent the whole day sleeping. I just felt like sleeping, so I did. Anyways, for whatever reason I decided to call these people, just to […]

I put the band aid on my wrist myself
Because no one will put it for me

It looks cute
It looks sad too

Deeper
More deeper
Until the bleed cant stop anymore

Like this
Like that
I always imagine myself to die

But Im still here
As always

That’s what it really comes down to, I want to know that they will be okay without me but they won’t let me go.
It’s ironic considering I feel like the side character in everything, I’m not the loved one, not hated, just there, in the background and forgotten, playing a role that doesn’t affect the main storyline. Not the person you think to invite to any occasion but might be there with someone more important. Why won’t you let me let go?

…and the ammo. Kthnx.