General

i feel like shit. i woke up feeling ok. i dont know what happened. and im not eating. i just looked at my breakfast and felt revolted pushing it aside. ive been dealing with a headache since yesterday. i took like 4 advil yesterday and today its even worse. everything was fine just an hour ago. it was actually amazing, i saw a bald eagle yesterday and it was no more then 20ft then me, i heard a coyote pack howling (which honestly scared me lol) and i was still going on about it this morning then i was doing some jigsaw puzzles and now […]

Hello, I am from a southeast Asian country. I don’t really know this website until my old friend introduced this to me 6 years ago. He’s from the USA and I met him online. From then on, I kept reading posts from random strangers who had different stories to tell. I felt the belongingness that I kept on searching for all of my life. I stopped.. because it’s consuming me. 4 years after, I am here again. There is this sadness that I don’t even know where it is coming from. It keeps on haunting me. Every night. Every time I’m alone. Always. It’s like […]

I shouldn’t have said anything to anyone that I actually know about my feelings. I know it’s supposed to help, it hasn’t.

I feel like now that they know what I felt I have to be better now so they can now stop worrying. I’m walking on eggshells every time I open my mouth for fear that what I’ll say may seem suicidal/depressed/distraught and give them a hint that I’m still not okay.

I have and do feel better, better in a way; I’m better in that I can hear the world around me over the voices of my mind, I can actually comprehend what […]

Just someone to listen…

No not about Corona…

I think because of the emotional and physical suffering I went and still go trough I won’t last much longer.

Aside from my mental breakdown this morning… im not feeling too bad today.

I hate talking about my feelings. People nod and smile like they understand how my emotions make me feel. They laugh and say everything will be okay, but it won’t. It never is. I smile back, give them a nod.

”Yeah, you’re right. Thanks!”

I say it every time just to get away. I break down, mentally exhausted, and reach out for comfort or even help… but nothing arises. They just say the same old shit:

Itll get better, you’ll be fine, stop worrying so much.

It gets worse when people have nothing to say. They just give you a sympathetic look. They just try to relate when they […]

Apparently closed eye hallucination is a thing. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t dreaming, I was fully awake, I felt as if my eyes were open, then I had to close my eyes multiple times in the hallucination to open my eyes in real life. I felt first as if I was lying on the other side of the room, then from the dark behind my eyelids I saw a man walking to the washroom, I was squatting by a trash bin, there was a cup of coffee on top of the bin, the man walked into the washroom, then suddenly there was an lineup, a […]

i’m losing everyone i had. even my own son. and it’s all my fault. i can’t even be the mother my son needs. with his father out of the picture i’m all he’s got. all he’s got for a damn mother who changes her mood every hour. who one second will love him to death and another second will want to be left alone. i yell and i am so sorry. i can’t control it and i grew up being used to being yelled at. i try so hard to be what my parents weren’t. loving. yet i feel myself falling onto the patterns of […]

I don’t remember when I found this place. I was in highschool and feeling like shit and just sad, and somehow I wound up here. Over the years I come here on and off and on and off again. Just depends on how I’m feeling. I think my initial reasons for using this place was to vent and find some sort of help. I found out some what later that this isn’t really the place for that. This is more like a journal for me to put my thoughts down on. I’ve often described this place as a […]

There’s this constant battle between wanting isolation and not. Finding solitude but also wanting it to break for a time. Has it just became a habit that I want to be alone because it’s more convenient? How my mind contradicts with the thought of not wanting any more hands to hold in fear of mistrusting someone and making the biggest mistake of your life and also reaching out for someone and still possibly making the biggest mistake of your life. There are days where I find comfort in loneliness but there are days where I want to escape and tell the world how I feel. […]

I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know who to trust at this point. What if you trust two people but they seem to be telling different points of view about something that has happened but it doesn’t connect with each other? How will you know who’s lying? How will you know who to trust when all of them has lied to you at some point in your life? I feel like I’m losing my mind.

am i really doing the right thing here? once the month is up…..i might wait a little longer until after his bday considering i started a few days sooner then i planned but aside from that….once the month is up. im going back to drinking and smoking up all the time. it was the one time i wasnt suicidal. the one time where death wasnt on my mind. why am i even bothering if im going to go back to it like i never stopped? idk. maybe my mind will chance by then and even if it doesnt the occasional break will be good for […]

No specifics about method per rules.  Have my chosen chemical, anti-emetic, Xanex to relax, and pain meds now so ready to hit the road.  Not about the COVID pandemic – just isn’t much of a concern for me as I’ve been ready for a long time. After 30 years of hard work and being kicked to the curb from CEO to poverty plus multiple system atrophy (MSA) I just don’t have the drive to carry on and will end it in the coming days. It was a good run with lots of great travels to countries and interesting work, but time to go.  Well insured […]

My mother was cleaning out a bookshelf today to put in my brother’s room. One of the books I saw lying around was my sophmore yearbook from highschool. I couldn’t help but take a small look at it. Flip through the pages a bit. They were all strangers. People who seemed vaguely familiar yet looked like every other person I’d see walking down the street. A few faces seemed recognizable, but I can’t say I could put a personality or voice to the face. They were just blank sets. Then I saw my picture. What a […]

I feel so terrible about myself, but simultaneously love all the reasons I have for hating myself. It’s both the worst and most awful thing ever and the most amazing incredible thing imaginable. In short, my mind is fucked.

I don’t want to feel this anymore. Except parts of me really do.

I want to eradicate this from my mind. Purge it all, wipe it from existence. Or sink into it and be completely consumed by it.

It’s living with it that’s the problem. Like a shard in my mind. This terrible unforgivable thing driving me. I can’t bear it. But I can’t bear to let go either. […]

I shared a room with my younger brother and our room, connected to our father;s by a shared bathroom.Now a lot of this is a blur to me because for one I was little and for two, I spent most of my life trying to forget. I don’t remember when it all started but I do remember this one day. I was in the bathroom and he called for me. His room was always dark and cold. He gestured for me to sit on his bed and I did. My dad was the only parent I ever had. I dont remember much but I remember […]

After I found out….. I just gave up. My friend offered to take me in after my sick sadistic retard mom made me stay with a family of narcissistic sociopaths for two years… That alone drove me into a mental institution. And our mental healthcare system is so fucked

They didn’t care why or how I got there… Not that I told them anyway. Not the real reason, just part of it. I wasn’t about to tell them I talk to myself without realizing it. Why would I give them an advantage like that over me, something to torture and prod me with… I just told […]