General

I’ve settled with the day Im going to do it.

My 20th birthday in September.

Absolutely fool proof.

Now I have 9 months to raise the courage.

UPDATE: I drove off the road today. Stopped myself tho.

When my boyfriend broke up with me, he used the excuse of my mental health 🙂

He told me that if i began seeking help and worked on fixing myself we could get back together. I don’t know why I tried to fix things with him, I was so unhappy with the way he treated me and not to mention cheating on me with two different girls.

We continued hook up even though it broke me because it made me feel like he wanted me. After a month of trying to fix me he broke things off and it came out that he was leading me on […]

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here.

Things are slightly better, thanks to the shittier years before this one i failed school, I’m not that caught up on it because I’m stuck in the mentality that it doesn’t really matter because one day I’ll die and who cares about if I failed school then.

I’m almost 18, I’ve never had a proper job and I still can’t drive, every time i try to apply myself to these situations I have horrible panic attacks and can never bring myself to do it.

I hate my body and my soul, every time i try help myself through a […]

I want to disappear.
That’s pretty much how to sum it up.

You know, I’ve always been jealous to babies who weren’t born; who weren’t given a chance to grow up- to have consciousness. To animals who have insufficient intelligence to grasp abstract thoughts and ideas; just pure instinct.

I hate myself while thinking I’m better than almost everybody.
I hate having so much plans for the future, and not see myself in the future.
No, not see myself getting to the future I want, but not seeing myself just existing in the future itself.
I hate a lot of things, most of the things I do, […]

send me a kik message at: Kalmahavak

I officially lost all my friends and I don’t want to be lonely. Please I need someone to talk with and not leave me please.

But the future doesn’t look too good either.

I just told a friend of mine that I have suicide thoughts and I don’t know if this was the correct thing to do. She was surprised because I did bring it up of nowhere and I knew I would burden her with it but still I thought it was good to tell her. But now afterwards I am not so sure anymore because I know it will be hard on her and it’s just not fair from me to burden her with this knowledge.

Anybody similar experiences?

every single day.

i’m being forced into living and it doesn’t work anymore, my head won’t work.

it’s fun to see how long i can last without help, it’s been what, 3,4 years? never even seen the face of a therapist, and hopefully i’ll die before seeing one

I feel completely and utterly worthless and pathetic. Everyone has different expectations of what they want me to be. My friends what something, my parents want something, everybody just expects so much from me.

I’m only one person.

I fail everyone I care about and feelings of hate and depression have been welling up in me for about 5 or 6 years now.

It won’t take much to push me over the edge, I’ve had enough of this shit. Fuck everyone’s expectations, fuck what everyone thinks of me, I’m just tired. I want everything to be over.

Everyone tells me that this feeling will fade with time. I’ve waited […]

i had a fight with my bestfriend and i think i ruined our friendship with it, she said she needed space and left me hanging with one of the hardest moment of my life coming up. she was doubting us being beter again and it breaks my heart since she was the only person who made me realise life can be nice and worth living she means evrything to me and il do evrything for her. sadly i ruined it i guess if she leaves me its time for me to leave this cruel world.

i told my friend that i hope he finds someone. i know he doesnt like being alone. but i dont want to lose him. i have trust issues and abandonment issues. i dont trust anyone. but i trust him. im probably being selfish…..

I keep getting overwhelmed by the thought that I should be ending it now, while I still can, before something terrible happens. Not that things aren’t bad now – but it’s more or less tolerable. I have no life, no prospects, no real relationships – I’m completely alone. I’m full of regret, longing, guilt, shame, self-hatred etc. But I’m used to it. I’m used to being miserable. If everything just stayed like this, I reckon I could stick it out another 50 years and die naturally. Or at least until my parents died.

But things won’t stay like this. Things will continue to deteriorate. And the […]

It’s February 1, 2020. In the simplest terms life has been nothing but a cluster fuck. I just don’t seem a reason to keep living. I have relapsed on many occasions. I found this website in hopes of finding people that will understand what it’s like to just want to give up on life. I can’t seem to wrap my head around this. But basically I’m a lesbian and my girlfriend of 2 years was cheating on me. She told me to kill myself before she left me so now I’m honestly considering it. I don’t believe in heaven of hell. I think that when […]

I’ve been thinking about saving up money to help my parents pay for my funeral. I almost want to write in my suicide nite for them not to bother with one, but I know they’ll probably want some send off for me. Apparently funerals cost from $7000 to $10000 dollars. I figure I’ll save up $7000 for the cost. If they want to waste more money on me, that’s on them. But they shouldn’t have to pay for an event they don’t even want to be at in the first place.

Why’s dying got to be so damn expensive?

If you make it look look like an accident is it easier for your family? Any death is tragic but suicide takes first prize, so it stands to reason a car accident would be easier to accept, family don’t have to face a reflection such as  ” he was in that much pain, he went against the natural law of life and killed himself”. These single vehicle accidents late at night you hear about are mostly suicides, carefully orchestrated to look like accidents to prevent the family left behind unbearable reflections.  All I would have to do is leave the road at a respectable velocity […]

It’s been a year since I “ran” away and nothing has ever changed. I thought going away will make everything better but I have never been better. It’s still the same– I’m still the same pathetic me.

Does anyone else feel guilty over things they’ve never done?

I read a post online from a deaf girl who said she was tired of people pretending to know sign language. And I thought “Damn. Well, I feel like a shit person now.” That being said, I’ve never interacted with a deaf person nor have I ever pretended to sign to them. I guess it taps into my debilitating fear of accidentally insulting someone. I hate any kind of conflict, and I’d rather bring a razor to my wrist than bring about any kind of animosity with someone.

I’ve pretty much decided that if I end up […]

That moment you are sad and need to talk to somone so you call your bestfriend but shes asleep, you call a few more friends but nobody awnsers and you sit lay there and cry feeling the deepest loneliness you can feel having nothing and nobody but yourself. For who am i even stay in this world if evryone is to busy for me.

I dont have anyone that really cares about me